Shitty Ass Animal Movies            Jan 24, 2001                by Tim Berger

I just saw a preview for a movie called “MVP : Most Valuable Primate” and my impression was : WHAT THE FUCK!? I’m gonna have to get the movie so I can find out who made it, because they need to be shot. In the wretched tradition of “Air Bud” and even “Air Bud 2” (yes, there was an Air Bud TWO, and I’m as embarrassed to be a human because of it as you are.) and fucking “Football Horse.” Let me clarify this for the movie industry, more specifically, Disney. Animals do not play sports. And if an animal is involved in a sporting event, they are either the mascot, or that species of animal and ONLY that species is the sole species participating, as in horse racing, or dog racing, or cock fights.

I think it’s Ok, to some extent, to have animals interacting with humans in animated features, IE: that little monkey in Aladdin, or…Ok, maybe that’s it. And the movie (Aladdin) certainly would have been just as fine without the damn monkey. I’d also like to know why the hell the monkey wore a fucking vest and a hat, but no pants. And don’t monkey’s have big, freaky asses? I don’t remember the movie very well, but it would be pretty impressive if they avoided and shots of the monkey’s back, and if they covered his ass with hair, well, that’s just anatomically wrong.

Anyway, why the hell are there these movies with animals playing sports? I have NEVER seen an animal even come close to playing a sport. And I have a dog that likes to get the football, but she has never come close to taking it to where it was supposed to go if it were a game. She just takes it and tries to eat it. Our Nerf football has a bunch of chunks out of it and smells funny, but Shadow has a lot of fun with it. I don’t play with it because I think the ball is disgusting and I throw like a girl.

But, anyway, since animals don’t play sports, and even if they could, no sports team would put an animal on it’s team, because there’s always gonna be a human player that would do a better job, and not to mention UNDERSTAND ENGLISH! So that’s why whoever came up with the idea for the “Air Buds”, “Most Valuable Primate” and fucking “Baseball Mongoose” need to be beaten over the bottom of the skulls with a heavy rubber hose, drug out into the street, and shot between the eyes.