The Election Fiasco Converted To A Football Game
Posted on 12/11/00

It appears that Al Gore is willing to throw out rules and reinvent them during the process. Well, the Right-Winger would like to take a look at this situation and move it from the election process to the football. This is the cast for the drama you are about to read:

So here is the battle between Bush and Gore in the Superbowl.

Announcer: "Well, here we are at the two minute warning and it appears that the George W Bush Whackers are going to defeat the Al Gore Victims. The Bush team has the ball and looks like they will run out the clock. With only two minutes left it doesn't look like the Victims will be able to overcome the 29-20 deficit. "

Color commentator: "I'd have to say you are right. Let's take a look at the events that have lead us up to this moment. First the Gore team was stopped inside the five yard line twice. It must be pointed out the Bush Whackers got away with an apparent pass interference penalty that wasn't called that helped stop the Gore Victims. If they would've been able to get into the endzone one of those times it would be a much closer game."

Announcer: "That's right. The Bush team was stopped only once inside the five yard line. But let's not forget about the missed field goals."

Color: "Yes. I'm sure Gore will have some words for his kicker after missing three field goals. Although two of the attempts were over 50 yards."

Announcer: "It looks like the Bush team is getting ready to go. They hike the ball and the quarterback takes a knee. The Gore team immediately uses it's final timeout."

Color: "I'm not sure if the Bush team can run all the time off the clock. This is not very professional, fans want to see a complete game and don't want to be disenfranchised. I think they might want to try and get another first down."

Announcer: "The Bush Whackers take another knee and the Gore Victims won't be able to stop the clock. The Bush team will run another play and then probably punt the ball to the Victims."

Color: "I think you will see the league offices look into instant replay and maybe allow the officials to use it when determining penalties. The time the Whackers got away with that pass interference in the end zone clearly change the momentum of this game and it needs to be looked into."

Announcer: "The Bush Whackers are ready to punt the ball now. Only forty seconds remain. The kick is up and it's a beauty. It's caught at the fifteen yard line and is returned to the 26 before he is stopped."

Color: "Did the Whackers have an ineligible man downfield on that play?"

Announcer: "I didn't see anything."

Color: "Hmmm."

Announcer: "The Gore team lines up and snaps the ball. The quarterback has plenty of time and hits the receiver at the 45, but is stopped before he can get out of bounds, which means the clock keeps running. They hurry up to the line of scrimmage and spike the ball."

Color: "You gotta love their determination. This team has heart."

Announcer: "The Victims snap the ball and the clock starts again. The quarterback has to scramble to avoid being sacked. He looks downfield and let's it fly. The receiver catches it on the 25 and tries to break a tackle. He gets down to the 22 and is stopped. The clock is going to run out and this game is over! So at 7:05pm the game comes to an end."

Color: "That's too bad. I love watching a team play with heart."

Announcer: "Wait a sec. There is a conference going on at the 25 yard line. The official has come out and let's hear what he has to say."

Official: "The game will be reset to 15 seconds to ensure a complete game has been played."

Announcer: "What!"

Color: "The officials are trying to make sure that a complete game has been played. The fans are getting their money's worth."

Announcer: "Whatever. Here we go. The Victims have the ball on the 22. The ball is snapped and it's a pass...TOUCHDOWN!"

Color: "The Victim fans are going crazy!"

Announcer: "I'm not sure what has happened, but the lead has been cut to 29-27...Hold on. The officials are meeting again in the middle of the field. One of them has a cell-phone. Let's hear what he has to say this time."

Official: "The league office has called voided the previous play. The score is rolled back to 29-20."

Color: "What was the spread on this game? I wonder if someone in the front office has any money riding on this."

Announcer: "Well, it appears the game is over...again. So now it's official. The Whackers have 29-20...again."

Color: "The Victims are meeting with the officials on the field now. I wonder what this could be about."

****Time Passes****

Announcer: "This meeting has been going on for fifteen minutes. The souvenir vendors were reporting good sales, but now they are saying that the merchandise is not moving. The fans are standing around not knowing what to do. Hold on. The official is going to make an announcement."

Official: "After further review, the scoring of the game will reflect the intent of the teams as they neared the goal line. Twice the Victims were stopped within the five yard line and the Whackers were stopped once. The score of the game will be changed to reflect those drives as touchdowns. Figuring that Gore's team was trailing they probably would have gone for the two-point conversions, thus their score will reflect that. The score is now 36-36."

Announcer: "What the..?"

Color: "If it wasn't for that pass interference call, the Victims would've scored a touchdown. This seems only fair. The Victims' fans are loving this!"

Announcer: "The official is now answering his cell-phone. It was a short call, whatever was said. Let's listen to him...again."

Official: "The league office has called and overruled our decision. The score will be rolled back to initial score of 29-20."

Announcer: "There you have it. The Bush Whackers have won 29-20...again!"

Color: "This is clearly a mistake on behalf of the league offices. I think the relationship between the Whackers' owner and the league office needs to be looked into."

Announcer: "Now what! There is another meeting going on with the officials and the Victims."

****Time Passes****

Color: "The souvenir vendors don't look to happy. For a moment there was a rush at those stands and now no one is there."

Announcer: "It's now 10:25pm. The fans are getting restless. The meeting on the field is finally breaking up. Let's listen to the official."

Official: "After further discussion, the 50 yard field goals attempted by Gore's team that were missed will now count toward their final score at the end of the 15 second extension. The score is now Gore's Victims 33, Bush Whackers 29."

Announcer: "Unbelievable!"

Color: "This is only appropriate! The pass interference penalty that wasn't called stopped a Victims' scoring drive. It's only right they make amends for that blown call."

Announcer: "How can they add it to the touchdown that was nullified?"

Color: "This is a gutsy group of officials that want to make sure that every point counts. The Victims' fans are cheering loudly."

Announcer: "The league commissioner is walking onto the field at this time. He has taken the microphone that was on the official. Let's give him a listen."

Commissioner: "The officials of this game have over-stepped their powers. The score of this game will revert back to the original final score. The Bush Whackers win 29-20."

Announcer: "There it is. The commissioner has fired the gun. The game is over...again! The Whackers win 29-20...AGAIN!"

Color: "It must be pointed out the league commissioner lived in the city where the Bush Whackers play."

Announcer: "Whatever! So at 11:25pm the Bush Whackers win the game. Thank you for watching this professional sporting event."

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