5 Rules of Cooking

In all my misadventures, some just stand out above others.  Some of my most humourous and dangerous stories however, seem to stem from my misadventures in the kitchen.  It is there where I am a force to be feared.  For I am, without a shadow of a doubt, the world's worst cook.  I have never even read of somebody else approaching my own level of stupidity and incompetence within the kitchen.  So I believe it is safe to say that I am the worst cook on the planet.

However, in becoming the world's worst cook, there are 5 rules that I have learnt when in the kitchen:

1) Black Means it's done.

I realized, after a while, that when carbonization takes effect, it usually means that I don't have to heat it any longer.

2) Chicken is the most flammable of all meats.

OK, I know...  Not really a rule, more of an observation...  But it is still true!!!  I have NEVER cooked chicken that has not caught on fire or billowed black smoke.  They should really have a warning label on this stuff.  It is very dangerous!!!

3) Doubling the temperature does not half the cooking time.

This rule took me a long time to figure out.  I figure it took perhaps 15 - 20 times before it really sunk in.  But even now, I still fall prey to this mistake.  I think it is an easy mistake to make.

4) Everything is combustable - EVERYTHING.

OK, yes I know...  This one was stolen from "The Laws of Anime"...  But it does not make it any less true.  I have burnt everything from chicken (of course...) to salads.  Everything in the kitchen and anything within a good 5 km of a kitchen can catch on fire.  Just trust me on this one, OK?

5) No matter how simple the recipe, there is always somebody, somewhere who can mess it up.

Again, just take my word for it...