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| **The scene opens to find Rob Osbourne walking out of the office of Christina Danky. He fixes his hair in a large Victorian mirror in the foyer and walks out the door whisteling. He hops in his purple Ferarri and speeds through Manhatten onto the freeway. He drives North for about 30 minutes at 120 m.p.h. He finally gets to a state park and brings the Italian sports car to a hault. He hops out and unloads some items from the trunk. He lays out on the ground a duffel bag, a portable MP3 player with headphones, a large plastic Ziploc bag of pot with a pack of papers mixed in. He sits down and pulls out from the duffel bag a notebook and pen. He begins writing...** |
| "The search for the legendary begnings of the Bongs of New York" "I sat there in the wilderness, contemplating the future of this great city as it stood in the clutches of peril between two groups." "But then, just when we thought our team was about to become victorious, I got another one of those 'HUNCHES' I am always getting in this lifestyle I have chosen." "However, this time, I told the others of the impending events that were to unfold upon us. How ironic could it have been that I received a certified piece of mail from Mark X. , from the CWF offices in Toronto? Why would he be asking me if I were interested in joining up with him and some friends to go 'give Paul Blair' a hand?" "No, surely there was something to my hunch. Then, out of the blue, Captain America himself rears his ugly head. But, again, the last I read in the dirt sheets, he had signed with the CWF, along with that snake in a bag, Jeff Jericho. But, it also said in that dirt sheet report that the great and mighty Mike Van Prick-up-my-ass was there too. And Terrell. The Mark Azz that P-Loc is going to rub out this week." "Is there going to be a group of fools that are insane enough to try and rain on our parade? We shall see. But I'll be damned if they are going to beat me at my game." -Rob Osbourne Wednesday, December 18, 2002 |
| **Rob closes the notebook at shoves it back in the duffel bag. He pulls out a small baggie from inside the large bag of weed. Inside the bag are a few pre-rolled doobs. As he sits looking at them like a child trying to pick between Starburst and Skittles at a candy store, a PWN Camera Crew approaches him.** |
| NRO: What do you want? I'm on Robbie time right now, ok, so you guys are going to have to sit here and get stoned with me if you even want to think about asking me if I will give you an interview, ya got it? Reporter: Yessir Mr. Osbourne sir, please don't Badd Dream me again... NRO: Oh, it's you? Here dude, you choose the doob....ah...but choose wisely! Reporter: Oh god help me!!!!! |
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| **The reporter takes off screaming. NRO giggles as the camera man and the sound dude sit down and each grab a doob and blaze them up.** |
| NRO: Now that's what I'm talking about. Hey, do you guys have steady gigs with PWN, or are you free lancers? Camera Dude: I'm on the payroll, but I only get about twenty hours a week. Sound Dude: Yeah same for me, and I don't even get any health benefits. It's pretty fucking shitty if you're a family man. NRO: Yeah, I bet. So listen , you guys want a job? Camera Dude: Working for you? HELL YEAH!!! NRO: Don't you even want to know what the job is yet dumbass? Camera Dude: No offense dude, but we've been in your house, in your plane, in your club, in your dressing room, and on your boat. We get a freakin' contact just shooting a promo with you. So if we worked for you, we'd be high like, uhm, shit, all the time, right lunchbox? Sound Dude: No shit man! And, you're a millionaire, so I bet you pay pretty fucking good too! NRO: Now you boys are talking my language! I'll give you both 100K a year, company provided rides for you and your spouses, full benefits, incomparable to what you'd find elsewhere. Hell , I have been told that employees of Osbourne, Inc. get better packages than the AIW, PWN, or IoA all offer! Camera Dude: Are you fucking serious dude? Sound Dude: Are you for real man? This is crazy....am I so high that I am trupping all of this shit or what? NRO: No way, I need a producer and a "sidekick" for my new show, "Hits From The Bong." I want you two. Camera Dude: When do we start? NRO: Well, here. (he tosses them both some cell phones from out of his duffel bag.) Call your bosses at PWN, tell them to insert it marginally into their rectums. Then call your wife and, or girlfriend and make sure its ok with them. If they say no, tell them it's too late, you already quit your other job. Then, we start. Camera Dude: Right now?!?! NRO: You want to make the big money with the little work? Camera Dude: May I speak to Mr. Kingsley? Mr. Kingsley? Hey, it's Jocko and Frank, we quit! Yeah, our new boss said to have you insert it rectally! Sound Dude: Honey? It's me, hey listen, i just got a job offer, a permanent job offer. Are you sitting down? as the producer of Rob Osbourne's new show on PWN. What do you mean he's an asshole and a male shouvanist pig? How much? 100K............so is he still a pig? Well, I can't sleep on it baby, I already quit my job with PWN...no I wouldn't still be working for PWN, I'd be working for Osbourne, Inc......yes, same Osbourne...no I don't think he's related to Ozzy, yes I'll ask. I love you too, bubye! NRO:So which one of you is Jock and which one is Frank? Sound Dude: Whoa, Jocko, how did he know our names man?Are you the Messiah man? NRO: Jesus, which joint did you light? You must have gotten some of that laced shit from El Pollo...no, I'm not the Messiah you dumbass, Jocko there just said to Mr. Kingsley that Jocko and Frank were quitting. Now unless you two were calling in the resignations of some friends of yours, then you are Jocko and Frank...sheesh! Camera Dude: So who's gonna be the producer, and who's gonna be the sidekick? NRO: Well, dumbshit over there can't be on screen, people will be turning the channel. Besides, he already told his wife he was the Producer... Frank: Yeah Jocko, i did! Jocko: So what are we working on Mr. O? NRO: Funny you should ask Jocko, today we are just going to get some promo shots. See, I can pay you two what I am going to pay you, because with you two having the , well, skills you have with the camera and the boom mic, I have my own personal promo crew that airs what I want, when I want, and asks the questions that I want asked. See, it really is a win win for me, isn't it? Frank: I don't get it? Jocko: That's why you're behind the camera and I'm going to be in front of it you burnout! NRO: Nice one Jocko! Listen, after we take these frames, I want you two to get back to Manhatten and get the set finished up. Jocko: The set? Do we have to build a whole set in one day? Frank: We could just use an existing set from somewhere.... |
| **Rob scratches his chin for a moment and takes another hit from his doob. He takes the cell phone from Jocko and dials a number. After a few seconds of formalities, he tells his pilot to get his jet fueled up. He calls his offices in Nashville and tells someone to get his brother on the phone.** |
| DCO: This is Chris Osbourne, this better be good? NRO: Fuck you jackass, lick my balls. Hey, do we still have all the sets from the NCW? I mean the only thing you took was the ring and the merch when I sold it to you, right? DCO: Yeah, why would I want that shit? All you had was the Idle Chat set and the fucking BlairVision set, why would I want that grab.... NRO: Thank you, that's what i wanted to hear. Have Page meet two guys that will be arriving on my plane in Nashville in, three, maybe four hours. Have him take them to get ID's made, then have him take them , with a crew from the warehouse and load the BlairVision set up on a truck, take the truck to the plane, load the set on, I can fucking do the show from my plane dude! You got it? DCO: Yeah, but what do you want THAT set for? NRO: Why do you ask me questions to things you can't understand? It's psychology young Chritopher, I am just going to save myself the time, money, and labor dollars of making a new set, while I simply further enrage Paul Blair by using his old set! It's great!!!! DCO: Whatever. |
| **Rob asks Jocko and Frank if they caught all of that. They nod yes, he poses for a picture they shoot the picture then they hop in the production truck and split. Rob sits there smiling, sitting on the hood of his Ferarri.** |
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| NRO: Once again, no, no, I haven't forgotten about the Stickboy! You see, I fail to realize just how you manage to perform simple tasks such as walking, and speaking. You have the mental capacity of a lead nail my friend. While, we all were once again impressed with the ease of which I delivered not one, but two Badd Dreams to you at Heatwave, it wasn't a very wise move on your part to spend nearly all of your promo time reshowing an entire match that makes you look like a dick pal! I seem to have missed the point to your aired promo, as you really fail to say anything except that the AIW sucks, Rob Osbourne sucks, and you are a Sick Boy, is that about it? |
| NRO: So please, forgive me if I have to once again show you that your mouth has written a check so insurmountable that your ass never has had, doesn't right now, and never will have the funds with which to cash said check! Please don't view my hostility as a threat, don't take it as blowing smoke up your skirt. And don't think I am just trying to intimidate you. SickBoy, you won a championship in a promotion where the best talents were yourself, and my fucking cousin! Come on, I've already shown the world what a joke he was, and he kicked your ass a few times, didn't he? Wise up Stickboy and keep fer fuckin trap shut son! You cannot, and never will be able to even carry my fucking cup, your old lady couldn't handle having me, she would be sore, she would waddle for days, every time you would try and touch her, all she woul think about it how bad it hurt, but how good it felt when i was in her, and she won't even be able to look at you. Is that what you want to happen? Do you want to get so far onto my bad side that I fuck your old lady Stickboy? I'm sure Emma loves the cock! But don't let me get inside your head. Please, don't let me see what makes you tick, or I may use it against you! WELLLLL I'LL BE DAMNED THAT'S THE SECRET TO YOUR SUCCESS!!!! Who all has seen Scary Movie? Huh? you know the one, with Doofy, Sickboy is to wrestling what Doofy was to Scary Movie, he only pretends to be a whitless moron, but he's really the secret success to us all. Fuck me running, who'da thunk it? But you won't live to get in the ring one on one with me Stickboy. You have to get in the ring with the former SAW All American Champion, former AWF World Champion, former AWF Tag Team Champion, and kick ass mother fucker, "Too Xtreme" Eric Badger. IF you make it further than Eric, you'll get your wish assclown. And oh how I may pay Eric to do the J.O.B. just so I can break you down little man! |
| **Suddenly "The Nitemare's" cell phine rings. He answers it, it is his cousin "The Saint" Tim Osbourne.** |
| Tim: Hey Robbie, it's TIMMIE!!!! Got a sec? NRO: Yeah, what's eatin ya cousin? Tim: I wish it was a hot bitch, but it's just the desire to win that fifth spot for the PPV. What do you think my chances look like? NRO: Well, there's you, and what else needs to be said, you're an Osbourne for Christ's sake! Then we have MOD, tough son of a bitch, but he's getting up there in the years, you're younger, faster, stronger, and plus, you've been in prison, and taken it up the ass, so you can probably take him. Tim: But what about Eric? And Shane? NRO: Hillard hasn't shown up to TV yet, neither has Eric. They are both double booked, and more than likely just as worried about their other matches as they are this one. You're in the goods kiddo, you only have one match to worry about, you can concentrate on the three of them, while they have the three others in the match to consider, plus an extra one for all of them, and two extra for MOD, cause he's in a friggin tag match. You got this B! Tim: I hope you're right. NRO: I'm always right cousin, remember that. Listen, you in Nashville? Tim: Yeah, actually, I'm at the Club training. NRO: Really? Why do I hear music? Tim: I'm at the Nitemare Club, and I'm training a midget how to do jello shots off of a hooker's tits!!! NRO: Right on! Now, I can dig that! Tim: Hey, Every mile, is Osbourne Style! |
| **Rob hangs up and tosses his bag and MP3 player back in the car. He hops behind the wheel and speeds off. FTB.** |
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