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| It had been months since anyone had even mentioned the name....Rob Osbourne...save for that lame ass memorial pay per view at least. Then the news broke in the wee hours of the morning before Triple Header took to the air waves; the case had been cracked, and The Nitemare was alive and well in South Florida on his honeymoon with his wife and new daughter Tziporah. But what the investigator from the NSA found out was news more alarming to those that new the icon and self proclaimed millionaire; he was dirt broke. Worse than that, he had gone in the hole by nearly five million dollars. A string of bad business investments and broken contracts left the Osbournes penniless and homeless, a fact hidden by The Nitemare in the last two weeks of his previous IoA stint. So, he did what any red blooded American would do, hge staged his own death to cash in on a six BILLION dollar policy. Some might say, how could this be possible, he has committed flat out fraud, and no one is pressing charges, how can this be? Because the dumb shit "authorities" in Nashville, Tennessee didn't do their jobs and closed the investigation without ever taking the first statement and just claimed it as accidental death. Now, rolling on easy street with a hot ass mother fucking wife and a beautiful baby girl to add to his already ten year old son, Rob Jr., would he choose to go back to the world of professional wrestling? Because he's the baddest mother fucker on the planet, and now he ain't gotta worry about selling to the fans to make money, he ain't gotta worry about sucking up to the suits to get the fat contract; now he does what he wants, when he wants on HIS terms. And he did just that last night at the IoA summer classic, Triple Header. Let's look back at the return of the legend.... [Shawshank picks up a chair and begins assaulting Trent until Trent falls out of the ring. Shawshank throws the chair out, just missing Trent. Shawshank hops out of the ring and picks up Trent and whips him into the steel stairs. Trent stumbles back into the ring and Shawshank slides in after him. Shawshank runs at Trent, but Trent picks him up and hit�s a huge spine buster. Trent points out to all of the fans and climbs to the top rope. Trent flies off and nails a picture perfect One and Only.] Fury: ONE AND ONLY!!! Gordon: It�s all over! [All of a sudden the lights go down and the crowd is silent. A huge explosion goes off on the stage and laughter is blasted through the speakers, followed by �Crazy Train� by Ozzy Osbourne. The crowd gives a huge pop. The lights come on and Rob Osbourne is in the ring with a chair.] Gordon & Fury: ROB OSBOURNE!?!?!?!??! [Jericho sits up in his seat and his eyebrows scrunch out in consternation.] Jericho: What the hell? [Trent and Shawshank are both on their feet and Trent turns to see Rob, and Rob swings the chair. Trent ducks and Rob crushes Shawshank�s head under the force of the chair. Shawshank crumples down onto the mat and Rob looks back and forth between Trent, who looks confused, and Shawshank, who is unconscious, spouting blood. Rob pulls a microphone from his back pocket.] Rob Osbourne: You piece of garbage! You overrated piece of IOA SCUM! Don�t you realize that I am the GREATEST IOA International Champion of all time? I am �The Nitemare� Damn it! I�m Rob Osbourne! And I want my Title back next week. So I suggest It�ll be me and you, one on one for the International Championship on Heatwave next week asshole!! Oh yeah, and if you don�t like that slick? I got one for ya! [Trent pulls Shawshank to his feet and hits an Irritator. Trent hooks the leg for the pin.] 1... 2... 3!!! Gordon: Trent Davidson is the new IOA World Champion! [The ref hands Trent the IOA World Championship and Trent climbs up onto the turnbuckle and raises his arms in victory as the fans are going nuts.] Fury: He�s done it!! Gordon: With a little help from the returning Rob Osbourne! We will now bring to you what the cameras didn't show last night when Triple Header went off the air.... [The scene shifts from the assaulted Pledge Alligance and the Unholy Alliance v3.0 to the parking garage where Rob Osbourne is about to get in his world famous purple Ferrari. IoA Reporter Charlie Gordon rushes to the front of the car blocking Osbourne's departure. Rob revs the engine and looks at Gordon with 'you don't think I'll do it' look. Gordon screams out "Rob, you're gonna have to kill me to get away, cause the only way anybody's beating me to this story is over my dead body!" so Osbourne copens the car door and steps out of the Italian sports car to grant the Exclusive to Gordon...] Charlie Gordon: Rob, the whole world has to know, what are your plans now that you have made a very big return to the confines of the IoA here tonight? Rob Osbourne: Boy, you're about as smooth as a Muslim's beard ain't ya Chuck? I think I made it perfectly clear here tonight my plans are to regain my International Championship... Charlie Gordon: You mean Shawshank's International Championship, don't you? Rob Osbourne: No, ass, I mean MY International Title. I have never, NEVER been beaten for that title. The first time I won it, I retired and StickBoy won it in a tournament. The second time I won it back, from that fucking overrated clown shoe, Z-Pac, I nearly met my untimely demise, and was left for dead in the middle of the ocean for a month. i survived off of my own urine and feces. , floating on a piece of the plane's flight recorder that floated to the top when I hit the ocean. It was brutal, I almost died, and was left for dead and the IoA strips my title and stages some goofy ass "Badd Dreams: Rob Osbourne memorial" ...what the fuck? Even if I had been dead, fuck, you could have at least put together a decent card to honor my memory... Charlie Gordon: I know for a fact that you and your wife and two children were vacationing in Arruba nearly the entire time you have been quote unquote dead. Rob Osbourne: Oh, yeah, my bad. Who gives a shit anyway? Huh? Who cares what I was doing? You writing a fucking book slick? Charlie Gordon: Actually, now that you mention it, I am.... Rob Osbourne: Well leave that chapter out you two bit nickle and dime nothing doing bastard! You know what, this interview is over. Charlie Gordon: Please Rob, one final question... Rob Osbourne: Make it quick shit for brains... Charlie Gordon: Why do you seem so very high strung? I have been an avid supporter of you for years, even when that dick, Mike Van Pro made it company policy for immediate termination if anyone even thought your name, I still stood up for you, and I have never seen you like this.... Rob Osbourne: It's called pure 117% rage Chuck. And it is no longer subdued by marijuana or the active ingredient, tetrohydrocannibizal. Something no one in this federation has seen but one man, my brother, Pledge Alligance. Charlie Gordon: Rob Osbourne, clean and sober?!?!?! Rob Osbourne: Clean, yes, sober, no. But my new manager.... Charlie Gordon: New manager? What's that all about? Rob Osbourne: I think you begged once for one last question, and by my count, you already asked it, so step off now Chuck, or get knocked the fuck out. Charlie Gordon: Wait a tick Rob...[Gordon presses his hand to his ear piece] Rob, the UA just jumped Pledge and left him for dead. [Osbourne starts to get out of his car. Stops, leans on the door, rubs his chin and then hops back in and speeds away.] Why would Rob Osbourne just leave his own brother to fight off one of the most vicious stables the IoA has ever known, two versions of which, he was a part of? Why has he abruptly stopped his marijuana use? Now is the time for us all to find out the answers to those questions and so many more as we present to you our very first episode of our hit new reality show, Rob TV, where a camera crew follows Rob Osbourne around 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Yeah, we were gonna call the show, The Osbournes, but MTV threatened to sue even though Ozzy personally told Rob he could share the show's title, but Rob pissed on one of the assholes from MTV, so the crew, and me, the narrarator were forced to take the show to Showtime, but with its vulgar and violent content, Showtime was a lock. So here you go, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, welcome to..... |
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| **The scene opens to find Rob Osbourne clad in a very suave and devonair dark purple suit with his hair pulled into a ponytail. He is seated at a large dark cherry conference table in a very dark room with little to no decorative items. The only light in the room that can really be seen comes from three monitors on the wall. One monitor displays the Pro Wrestling Network. The second monitor switches to several different cameras in the casino on the lowest floor of the building. The third camera is a simulcast paramutual betting screen showing thoroughbred horse racing from around the globe. Seated across the table from Rob in front of a pane glass window that looks out over downtown Daytona Beach, Florida is the new manager of 'The Nitemare' Rob Osbourne. The first and only manager he has ever had, aside from business associations with Don Russo, the retired famed manager of Pledge Alligence. Ironically, it was Don Russo who put Rob in contact with 'The Sheik.' The man across the table is known by many different names in many different places; but his real name is Anthony Carillo, Tony by his friends, Don Tony by his Family. He speaks with a thick New York accent, and he often mixes Sicilian in with his English. Let's join them in their conversation...** |
| Tony: Robbie....what gives man, I thought you said that nickle and dime fed head Paul Blair would do business? The contract that got faxed over here and the marquee above the building says Non Title, and that ain't playing ball paizan! Rob: Hey, Blair would play ball, but evidentally there has been some shifting of power in the offices, something that they evidentally haven't let the fans know about on the air as of yet. Tony: Whadayatalkin' about? Rob: A 'little bird' told me that Blair has sold the IoA and is only acting in an on camera role, one that very soon will be changing to an in ring capacity!!! Tony: Well then babe, who's callin the shots? Rob: Dude, I know it's a New York thing, but please, if you can help it, don't call me babe. Capesche? Tony: Ah, now you tellin me what to do, see, I was afraid of this. I was afraid there would be ego battles. I shouldn't have signed that contract. This isn't gonna work. Rob: Ok, ok, you can call me babe, but make sure that if anybody asks, you don't lie, you tell em, it's a New York thing , ok? Tony: You got it doll! Rob: Aye Carrumba, this is gonna take some getting used to. And to answer your question, I don't know who the hell the new owner is. I wish I did know. But do you realize that once I 'earn' my title shot by beating the incumbant dickhead this week, then next week or the following, whoever the owner is, he'll have to give me a title shot. Plus, after that, I go after Blair. I'm doing it for the fun this time Tony, baby, and I wanna play with the Ruler. Tony: I got a call from Don Cosetti last week. You remember him don't you? Rob: Yeah, yeah, he's the little short fat smart ass in Manhatten, right? Tony: A very dangerous fat little dickhead, but yes, the same Il verme . Rob: What did he want? Tony: It seems a friend of yours has gotten on his bad side. Not a very safe place to be. He was wondering if I could squeeze you for your friends whereabouts.... Rob: And what did you tell him? Tony: I told him he might not want to go looking for this person. I know this person, or at least, I know of him, and moreover, his brother... Rob: Wait a minute, don't say another word, the TV show, remember, there's a camera on us, I know you're talking about now. What did he do? Tony: Apparently, he was sleeping with Don Cosetti's daughter. Rob: God damn, how many times have I told him to keep his dick in his pants? He'll never learn. It'll be fuckin' some broad that gets him killed.... **The Sheik backhands Rob across the mouth and draws blood. Rob just stares at him like he knows not to touch him, but would rip him to pieces one on one.** Tony: That is my Godaughter. Don't ever disrespect her again. She told me that she has broken off the relationship with him on one condition, that her father not have a hit put out on him... Rob: And I'm you're cashcow, you ever hit me again, I don't care how many bullet holes I get filled with afterwards, I will send you to hell before they send me. So why did the old man call you anyway? Tony: Balls, fucking balls the size of Boston, but then agaian, Boston, they ain't got no balls. He broke his word with his daughter. That is not a good thing. He has shown me this day that he cannot be trusted; that he would break his word with his own daughter. How can I ever trust him? Rob: That's deep yo. What're you going to do about it? Tony: I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. You call your Paizan and his brother, you tell the big one to heel and not do anything foolish, you tell the other one it's safe to come back to the states. I'll take care of Don Cosetti. Rob: I'll get right on it. Tony: Rob, one last thing before you go. I am concerned; you don't seem one bit irritated, agitated, nor do you display any sign of anger. Have you learned so quicky how to channel your anger, or are you back on the shit? Rob: Trust me, if you could see things the way i am seeing them right now, you would know. I can do this. And once I do this, I will become the complete machine. Tony: And then, you will take my place as the head of the family. Don Roberto... Rob: Whoa, I don't know if I'm up for heading the Family just yet. I have alot to learn about the way your world works. Tony: You are so close, and you don't even smell it. Come with me, I want to take you with me to see Cosetti. I want you to make the offer. Show him who is running his Family now. Rob: Tony, I ain't moving back to New York right now. I like Daytona, Christina likes Daytona, llittle Rob likes it. I ain't going. Tony: No, goombah, your friend. I am going to offer control of the Manhatten branch. Let's jump on a big bird and then we'll fly! **The Sheik and The Nitemare stand and exit the room** Well that's all the time we have here on the very first episode of the new Showtime original reality show, Rob TV. Join us next time when Rob and Tony off the Don in Manhatten. Thinking of watching ER instead? Fughetaboutit! Check out this shot from the third part of this week's show, when The Sheik takes over Miami's cartel. |
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