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| Marvel-ing at the popularity of 'The Nitemare' |
| **The scene opens to find Rob Osbourne seated at a conference table in a Hollywood, California office. On one side of the table is Osbourne, on the other is the executive in charge of new media concepts for Marvel comics, Mr. Rueben Finklestein and the brains of Marvel, the legendary Stan Lee. On the table between them lies a large poster board print of a comic book cover entitled: Bat-mare: The Nitemare�s begin** Stan Lee: Mr. Osbourne, let�s cut to the chase. We here at Marvel always have, and always be huge wrestling fans. We have made comic book lines in the likeness of numerous heroes in your sport, and now, we want to do one featuring you. Rob Osbourne: But I don�t go by the name �The Nitemare� anymore. I�m �The Eternal Heel� now. Reuben Finklestein: Mr. Osbourne, this comic would follow your life from about the middle of you�re high school years thru about 2001. Stan Lee: And if sales are what we project they could be, then there will always be a possibility to go further. We also have included in this conceptuals here, a movie contract, in which you would play yourself, not in the whole film, but after you have progressed to your current appearance. Rob Osbourne: A comic book series, and a movie? For me? Shit, Z-Pac says my career is nothing. This nimwitted little cocksmoker that just arrived, Michael Bautista, says I got where I have by kissing the administration�s ass. Why on earth would the greatest name in comics want to produce anything about me? Stan Lee: While D.C. would stoop to the lows of writing a single book on your infamous cousin, The Gravedigger, which flopped so horridly they had to do a second crossover with Marvel to rebound, we on the other hand never venture into anything we don�t think will be a success. Rob Osbourne: What about the Punisher movie? That thing was a giant stink nugget!! Hands down the worst film Dolph Lundgren ever made; and Dolph Lundgren made a lot of shitty films broheim! Reuben Finklestein: Mr. Osbourne, the Punisher film was not licensed by Marvel, our names were not on that floater. I urge you to please, take a look at the line, and the movie script�. Rob Osbourne: Whoa chief, you�re just going to make a movie that is based on a comic that you haven�t even put out yet; not knowing what the comic sales will look like, or, for that matter if it will even be a success? That�s just not good business gentlemen� Stan Lee: Listen, when they said that I was a fool for being in Mallrats, they were wrong�Marvel sales increased by 39.2% over a sixteen month box office run with Mallrats; which was based on a comic we presented to Kevin Smith to option as a movie as well. Then we licensed X-Men, and the critics said to cover you�re noses because it would stink. They were wrong. They said the same thing about Spiderman and Daredevil�.BAM! Stan Lee always gets his man. Did you know that behind IoA Heatwave in the ratings for the highest overall rating number of any show broadcast on Saturday�s is X-Men Evolution on the WB? Trust me Rob, you don�t last as long in the comic industry as Stan Lee and Marvel have without knowing what the people want� Rob Osbourne: And you think they want me? Stan Lee: Rob, with all due respect, as a fan and a follower of your sport, let me say this to you�you�re letting them do it again. Rob Osbourne: What the fuck are you taking about? Stan Lee: The Trifecta�the Boston Pops. They WANT you to think that you are through. They WANT you to think that you are below them. But I have survey�s, on-line poll results, phone call questionaire�s and the like to all say the opposite�that when 9 out of 10 people were questioned on a name association quiz, when asked the first person they thought of when they heard �professional wrestling� and the answer was �The Nitemare� Rob Osbourne. Rob Osbourne: Holy fucking shit, are you serious? Wow�how do you conduct you�re surveys? Stan Lee: If I told ya, I�d have to kill ya! But seriously, take home the script, read it, tell me what you think. **Rob flips the script open and reads the intro scene�..a few minutes later he is cracking up and laughing hysterically. He lays it down.** Rob Osbourne: So you will have me in the beginning and the end, but pretty much it�ll be me looking back, with a humorous twist? Stan Lee: Precisely. We will have the main secondary character be Jimmy Blast. The villain seems to be, at first, Pledge Allegiance. But we will introduce Z-Pac at the end; if the sales are good enough we�ll do a sequel, and in that we�ll feature all 3 members of the Trifecta. It looks very promising. Rob Osbourne: You don�t think that the world will get sick of a guy who�s main pre-occupation in life is weed and dick and fart jokes. Don�t ya think? Stan Lee: On the contrary, that shit sells! My finger is on the pulse, and the pulse is thumping with dollars for Rob Osbourne action figures, comic books, movies, animated TV shows. The sky�s the limit kidd-o! Rob Osbourne: I�ll do it. Stan Lee: don�t you want to sleep on it, or even talk with you�re �people� about it? Rob Osbourne: No, I AM my people. Here (Rob signs across the bottom line of the last page of the contract.) I look forward to hearing more. Who will play me, or at least who do you have in mind? Rueben Finklestein: Well we had thought of for you�re high school and early college era we would use Hayden Christenson. Rob Osbourne: Annakin Skywalker as Rob Osbourne? I like it. Go on. Rueben Finklestein: Your professional career , and more than likely, the man to play you in the sequel will be Paul Walker. Rob Osbourne: Lance from Varsity Blues? Brian from �Fast and the Furious�? Word to the mother fucker yo! What about Pledge and Jimmy? Stan Lee: We�re thinking maybe Keaneu Reeves for Pledge and possibly Martin Landau for Blast. Hey, Landau was great as the wiry old veteran grappler in Ready 2 Rumble. Rob Osbourne: Man, Landau is old. Blast is an old fuck, but Landau?!?!? How about , oh I don�t know�how about see if you can get Gandolfini. He�s looking for the big roles that will break the shadow of being Tony Soprano. I know the guy is a fan, I�ve seen him in the front row at shows in NYC. Stan Lee: See, this is why we wanted you involved Mr. Osbourne. But the question we have is�who should play Z-Pac? Rob Osbourne: Wow. What a question. How about Will Ferrell�hey, it is a comedy, right? Stan Lee: Will Ferrell? Interesting choice. I�ll see what we can do. And by the way, good luck in beating that son of a no good biscuit eater�s back side this week. Yeah, now that you mention it, Will Ferrell is an excellent choice. We�ll be in touch. It really was a pleasure meeting you Rob. Rob Osbourne: Stan, the pleasure is all mine. If you�ve got some time, I�d love to talk about a few books you wrote over lunch�. Stan Lee: It would be my pleasure�. **The scene fades out as Rob Osbourne and Stan Lee leave in Rob�s purple Ferrari. To be continued�** |
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