My Scary Movie

As the scene opens up from black it is Febuary 24th, the day after Cold Hard Truth. You find yourself, although you do not recall anything about the rematch with Reinhardt, evidentally still the IoA World Champion, as it is apparently the only thing you are wearing at this moment; by the looks of your hotel room, it was a hell of a title defense after party. You slip on your pants and a polo shrt and your sandals and toss your belt on the bed. You walk down the hall to the food court and buy a bag of doughnuts and a Mt. Dew Code Red from the vending machine then purcahse the morning paper from the newstand. The headline reads " Professional Wrestler "Riverdragging" Chris Rinedheart found dead in hotel room; suicide note found, blames Rob Osbourne for ruining his life" YOu run back to your hotel room, make a few calls and find out that it is true. You don't know what to think and decide to deal with it the way you do all tragedies, by toking up and dorwning your sorrows in THC. You blaze up while you stare at the TV set.

The screen fills with a dark green and aqua blue mist; almost like colored smoke. You pick up the remote control and hit the button but nothing happens. You look over at the clock and it is falshing 4:20, you look around the room and you see the same smoke and mist as what was just on your television. You do a double take at the TV and realize you are seeing yourself on the screen. You realize that after you smoked that peyote, something odd must have happened. You run to the door and grab the handle but it just melts in your hand like warm butter. You feel your feet start moving and you look down to see that the floor has turned into Tapioca pudding. You could try and wade through it, but you are high, and you do have the munchies, so you decide to dive in head first and suck your way a path to freedom. After just moments of ingesting liquid volumes of warm Tapioca you emerge from the goo and begin vomitting up what you had taken in. You realize that maybe eating your way out of a never-ending Tapioca ocean may not be a good idea.

You then realize that only moments before you woke up to see the green and blue mist taht you had been dreaming of trying to get some warm butter on a knife for your toast and then you also dreamt about Tapioca. Oddly enough, those things have now become reality. You realize that some strange phenomenon has begun in which you can simply think things, and they will be so, no matter what the history of the world may or may not have shown, you now have the power to altar the universe and the cosmos. You decide you would like to hink about a time machine. Just imagine the glory, you could solve world hunger, prevent the births of Saddam Hussein and Adolf Hitler, and Mike Van Pro. You also realize that you could go back and keep that asshole Barry Louden from hitting on Jamie Lynn Dickinsider minutes before you did in Junior High. You also fathom the possibilities of going back to the founding of the country and beating George Washington to the Cherry tree. The possibilities seem endless but you determine also, in good moral standing that the time machine may only be used for the good of the world.

You activate the time machine and set the date to....Febuary 9th, 2003?!?!? You climb in and hit the activate button. The machine starts spinning and filling with that strange green and blue smoke you saw earlier. Moments, seemingly, the doors open and you step out. You are standing at the very spot you had entered the time machine; The Ritz Carlton in New York. You glance at your atomic watch to see what the time is; 1:13 p.m., the exact same time it was when you got in the time machine. You blurt out a few curse words as you spark a doob and take a moment to reflect...then you glance down at your watch again, who knows why, you just had a feeling to do so. It says 1:15 p.m. 2/9/2002...HOLY SHIT! IT WORKED!!!

Realizing you have very little time to get to Atlanta to stop yourself from making the single biggest career mistake by winning the IoA World Heayweight Championship from Chris Reinhardt in order to save the life of the man you loathe. Fuck you hate being a stand up guy! You hail a Taxi on the street and quickly reach for your cell phone and dial up your chafeur in Nashville.

"Page? Hey brother it's Rob. Send the het to LaGuardia A.S.A.P........what do you mean I'm on the jet? Oh shit, the other me, that's right, i was tripping on the plane and shit with Ira Huff. Damnit...what? Nevermind...look, call and book me a ticket for a friend then will ya, i don't have mycredit cards on me, its a long story. Anyway, put it in my name at LaGaurdia, first class, one way to Atlanta. And have a car waiting for me. And however strange this may all seem, just trust me, hell, better yet, come get me yourself, okay?....good. See you in Atlanta at the terminal."

You end your call and the Taxi pulls up at LaGuardia and you hop out. A few solid connections through the years has you getting better service at this airport than the President himself. An old worker from the GeWA lives in Soho and works at the airport and has you a hook up that lets you slide through any and all lines by using employee bypass hallways that are accesible to anyone, but a labryinth for anyone who doesn't have the map. After making your way through the maze and to the Delta flight desk and claim your ticket, board your plane and head to prevent destiny. . .

Meanwhile, in Atlanta the real you, well, the you that won the belt, have just arrived at the arena and you answer your cell phone.

"This is Osbourne. Page? What's up mybrother? Oh yeah....really? That's about a bitch. Thanks brother, yeah, do it, get it done, if I said to do it, I must have had a reason. "

Suddenly the you from the future remembers getting a phone call from Page Steele when you got to the arena about you calling him while you weren't there buit you had just ....oh fuck I've gone silly remembering who was you and who you wasn't....

You hang up your phone and turn to your long time employer and good friend Tige' and ask him what it was that had just happened and he tells you that you got a phone call from Page Steele in Nashville saying that you had just called him and said you were in New York and you needed a one way ticket from LaGuardia to Atlanta purchased and that you wanted Page to come pick you up personally in Atlanta. Then he says that Page said you said that it would all seem weird but to just trut him. You are beside yourself, and as high as you are, you wonder if, in theory, the other you was really here and you ran into each other, then you would be beside yourself even moreso.

Back in New York the future you settles into the seat on the jet. Minutes later, you remember why you bought your own jet and stopped flying commercially when a mentally retarded man in his late 40's wearing a bicycle helmet and a bite collar approaches you. he is dressed in black and white checked capri pants; women's capri pants....and he is wearing a button up short sleeve white dress whirt, but it is almost yellow tinted for whatever reason. He is also wearing big thick red elastic suspenders and he sits down in the seat across the aisle from you and starts drooling while he attempts to look at you, but his eyes go in completely opposite directions. You brace yourself for the inevitable.....

Retard: Hey....der...yer Rob Osbourne...yer the Nitemare...yer gonna win the world championship tonight.....I know!!!

You feel yourself starting to profusely sweat a a charge of natural endorphines are released within your body sending an adrenaline rush to your blood system, pushing the stagnant THC in your blood around, getting you high all over again. you start tripping while this retard is talking about knowing you will win tonight. You clam up and begin to sound paranoid....

Rob Osbourne: How do you know that? What else do you know damnit? Why are ya doing this to me spirit? Why?

Retard: I made poopy..

Rob Osbourne: Damn it don't you realize that I am STONED!!?!?!?!? I am Rob Osbourne, but I am not the Rob Osbourne you will see wrestle tonight, well I am, but i won't be wrestling because I already beat him, and now i have to face him again and it is already Febuary 24, 2003 for me, and well...what did I just say? Oh fuck it, wait a minute...did you just say you made poopy?

Retard: Yeah....in my pull up. There just like big boy pants.....iut smells like stake nachos and tapioca.....

As the retard says tapioca, it echoes and plays over in slow motion. ..."TtttttttAaaaaaaPpppppppIiiiiiiOoooooooCccccccAaaaaaaa" and immediately you flash back to swimming in the warm sea of bubbly goodness and you recall the vomiting that was induced because of the warm residue commonly refered to by white trash as "Dragon Eyes" and you drop to your knees, clutch your abdomen and begin vomitting, no, that's too nice for it, you were straight puking dog, I'm talking projectile vomitting, like as associated with demonic posession and bad movies...it splashes all in the face of the retard, and oddly enough, he is delighted by the act....

Retard: Wow! Wait til I show Leon...I got world champion puke on me...that was cool, can we do it again, it smells like .........................TtttttttAaaaaPppppppppIiiiiiiiOoooooCccccccAaaaaaa........

Again at the mere mention of the word you begin hurling. He keeps yelling it and you keep barfing, all the way to Atlanta. By the time everyone gets off the plane, they all smell like puked oup...uhm, well, the T word, ya know....you walk to the restroom and wash yourself off, while you scrub your face in the warm water you heae a man on his cell phone in the stall next to you...and his voice sounds familiar, suddenly you remember taking a shit two weeks ago and some sicko just breathing heavy while you were dropping your load at the airport...you relaize that it is you in the stall and yes, to settle all doubts you may have, you now know that your shit does stink. You hear yourself hang up. You try to remember if you met yourself, but you haven't yet so you wouldn't have and you ....oh my head hurts.....you suddenly recall what crazy old Doc Brown said to you right before you left Feb 24...."Marty, you cannot disupt the space time continueum, it could have grave consequences on the futue as you and I know it, you must under no cicumstances come in contact with the other you from 1985..."...wait a minute, that wasn't said to you before you left, that was in Back To The Future 2 when Marty and hiself are racing to both get one task accomplished...weird, deja vu....

Meanwhile, in the stall inside of the original you from Feb 9th.....you hear some asshole breathing heavily outside your stall. You flush and bust open the door and who do you see standing there? Yourself? Of course, because you are looking in the mirror. Then your reflection says "Hey Rob, I told Page this would be weird. It's me, I'm you from three weeks from now...listen...

Again with the flip flop? Sheesh...you hear the toilet flush and you decide what the hell, you'll confront yourself from three weeks ago. You step ou of the stall and you look up at yourself in a daze and then you realize that you are stoned, well you knew YOU were stoned, but you realize you are also stoned. YOu also remember thinking you were looking in the mirror in the airport bathroom three weeks ago and you satrted atlking to yourself and then you remember that you are you from the future and that yuou are talking to the you from the past and somehow, th you of the present gets all fucked up in the head and just starts frolliing along singing madly....

Rob Osbourne of the Present: Rund duh duh dung dung Dung duh duh Dung Dung Dow! Ring ding a ling ling ring dalading ding dow!

You just look at present you and laugh hysterically. Past you doesn't know what to hink and you just take off out the door and find Page and head for the arena....

Man you don't know what the fuck just happend, but you told you a bunch of shit about you and then you laughed while the other you was singing...it was almost just like that Jet Li movie The One....but then you realize that it is more kind of like that Michael Keaton movie Multiplicity, because the more of you there are, the stupider you get. Like this one that just told you to lose the match to Reinhardt in the cage and then just go after Pledge because they would find Reinhardt's body dead in an alley in New Jersey the day after the PPV because he loses the rematch match and dies of an overdose. You laugh it off and wish it were that easy and decide you will just walk down to the car and head to the arena to show this future you who was the meanest Rob Osbourne around! You go to stand up but find yourself sinking into now shin deep warm tapioca, you look down and the entire room , the ceiling, the floors and the walls, they are all made of tapioca, and you become encased in it. You know your only chance to survive is to eat your wa out of the gooey funstuff. You start suckingas much as you can.....until you start puking...just when you feel like your last breathe is about to escape you you sit up in a cold bed spitting tapioca like projectile vomit from your mouth and nose. YOu look at the clock and it is flashing 4:20. Oh shit...did I ever get to the arena?

While the you from the past is entangled in tapioca and eating his way to survival the way you did earlier is busy you race to the arena for the main event at Heatwvave pitting you against Chrie Reinhardt in a steel cage. YOu walk in the building and are mobbed with questions about the match. You slowly walk past all of them quietly and head to the locker room, as you pass the last fan you decide to look up and it is the Retard from the plane...he starts screaming out ....

Retard: NO!! GO AWAY!!!! YOU'RE THE BAD ONE! NOOOOO....GO AWAY, YOU CAN'T MAKE YOU LOSE, YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD AND LET YOURSELF WIN, YOU CAN'T LOSE....YOU HAVE TO WIN, AND THEN WIN AGAIN IN TWO DAYS....

In a split second you realize the retard knows more than he is letting on. He just said 'and then win again in two days' he is on to you...or does he just believe you? you did tell him the whole story on the plane before you ralphed on him for thirty minutes traight, which he is till coated in, by the way. You kick the kid in the gut and Badd Dream him on the concrete splitting his skull open...whoa....Deja Vu again.....You make it down to the ring but as Reinhardt makes his way to the ring there is a brilliant flash of light and there standing in the ring is Rob Osbourne the White, and he is shining like the son of man and the saints. He stands in the ring with a microphone.....

Rob Osbourne The White: Yes Chris Reinhardt, it is I, thank you for telling me my name, as I had forgotten it. You see, I fell for so long, and with the Balrog beneath me...he was shooting his flames at me the entire time. We fell quite some time. I forgot how long really. But then I decided I had had enough and I broke my fall with his body. I have seen great and mighty things...Holy things Frodo, things a man shoud not see....

Right as you are about to call yourself a dumbass the scene goes to a WIDE fucking angle zoom, mainly from outter space watching the planet. Then that shot becomes and inset and on the main part of the screen we see the past you who was stuck in the ....you know...I don't want to say it again...but you know...the T stuff. He comes racing to the ring and slides under the bottom rope on the opposite side of Chris Reinhardt as Rob Osbourne The White. You blink then see present you skipping still singing that annoying song, also slide in and flank Reinhardt. You decide that the circle cannot be complete and you will not get back to the futur...uhm , wait, I think that is copyrighted...uhm,.....you want to return to tomorrowland..yah...fuck that sounds gay, i hate how shitty copyright laws are.

You all four, Osbourne past, Osbourne present, Osbourne future, thats me, and Osbourne the White all surround the current and reigning world champion and you all converge on him at once causing a pause in time and he goes down to the mat hard and you all form one whole Osbourne that climbs the cage and is declared the new World Champion...you realize your quest has failed and you are instantaneousely transported back to uh, you know,the day after today.... and when you open your eyes the clock is flashing 4:20 and you smell Tapioca cooking.

You get up off the couch and walk into the hallway of the hotel and you see a wave of Tapioca pudding coming down the hall, this time you wisely shut the door, lock it, then run and hide in the bathtub under a throw rug naked. You look at your watch and it says 4:21 a.m. 2/22/2003 and you realize you are being given a last chance to save Reinhardt from the eternal damnation one receives when committing suicide. You know that now the words are done for and that you have 24 hours before you kill again. You must murder Chris Reinhardt to save Chris Reinhardt's soul. God, chasing Demons sucks. Chris, are you ready to die for what you believe in? I am, I am ready to die for the World Championship, vane I know, But I am willing to make this a "last man left alive wins" match? Why not, what else have you got to lose, you saw the future, if i win, you will od tomorrow. The ball is in your court Chris, you gonna take the shot or are you gonna toss up another brick?

FADE