| **The scene opens to find Rob Osbourne sitting in a black arm chair in his mother�s foyer in her modest home in Nashville, Tennessee. He is on his phone handling some last minute business preparations for his board meeting at Osbourne, Inc. next week. The sounds of laughter and splashing ring out from the back yard where his extended family has gathered his mother�s birthday party. He finishes his call and stands. As he walks through the house and opens the sliding glass door he thinks he sees his brother Chris walking around the back of the house. At first he does a double take, because Chris was last seen boarding a plane bound for Hawaii just before Summer Smash with his son Drastic. That plane supposedly went down over the Pacific and the two were presumed dead. Then this past week on Showdown, his nephew Drastic showed up and helped Rob�s son Bob win the Unified Championship. He looks again but sees no one. He walks outside and up to his mother who is seated in a lounge chair. He embraces her in a long hug and then kisses her on the cheek and sits down next to her to check on her.**
NRO: Momma. You okay? Mrs. Osbourne: Why on earth can�t you two just get along? Is it too much to ask for an old woman to ask for her sons mend their broken fences? NRO: Who momma? Mrs. Osbourne: You and Christopher. I just don�t understand why you two have to bicker the way you do. NRO: Momma, Chris and BJ were on a plane that went down over the Pacific. They are presumed dead. Mrs. Osbourne: Oh stop your fooling child. Chris was just here, not a moment ago. NRO: WHAT!?!? Mrs. Osbourne: Oh you sonofabitch! You�ve been out with that other woman again haven�t you, diddling that bimbo up in New York again haven�t you Joe?!? NRO: Momma, it�s me, Rob. It�s not daddy. He�s been gone for 12 years now Mom. Mrs. Osbourne: Robbie? Oh Robbie! It is you! Are you back from your trip with that handsome young Jimmy Blast? I hope you two knock the daylights out of the Maniac and the Tornado Warrior at Pop! NRO: Momma, it�s 2009. Jimmy retired a long time ago. **Realizing arguing reality with a woman in the late stages of Alheizmer�s is pointless he heads inside and grabs another beer. Minutes later his own son, Robert Joseph Osbourne, Junior � Bob Osbourne to the CWF faithful, arrives kisses his grandmother. He takes up a lawn chair near the grill where Matt, Tim, and Tom Osbourne are all gathered. Rob looks out into the pool and sees his uber-hot wife floating on a raft and sipping a cocktail. He also sees Matt�s kids splashing around the shallow end of the pool. Just as he is about to get the party started a familiar voice rings out from across the lawn.** Pledge: Hello Osbourne Family! Your favorite black sheep is here. Please, please, don�t get up. NRO: Pledgie!!! Glad you could show up. Pledge: This isn�t going to be like the Family Reunion where we all leave with black eyes is it? NRO: Chris already came and went. Matt has accepted that you are who you are. I don�t see there being any problems bro. Grab a cold beverage and meet me by the grill. Pledge: Righteous. Smells great. What is it? NRO: A side of Shock Value with a little ruler mixed in. Should be grand. Pledge: What?!?!? NRO: My bad. You weren�t here earlier to hear the joke. Basically, the members of Shock Value are filthy swine. We�re having Baby Back Ribs. So..in effect, whiny filthy pigs�Shock Value�same difference. Pledge: Ok, but what�s the Blair reference about? **Osbourne stabs a grill fork down into the grill and pops it back up with an overcooked hot dog attached** NRO: Shrivelled burnt wieners anyone? Anyone? Pledge: You�re aweful. NRO: And Blair�s a dick. Fitting really. Pledge: Ok, so it can�t be all about the match as to why you invited me to this little shindig. What gives? NRO: Pledge, pledge, pledge. Always assuming I have an ulterior motive. Which is true, of course. Mwahahahaha!!! Pledge: Business, pleasure, or both? NRO: Hmmm�.depends on how you look at it I suppose. It is no secret the situation I was in at Osbourne, Inc. I need a favor. I sort of fudged some documents that seemed legit to Frost�s people. They have relinquished control of the company back to me. However, to make it official, I need to buy your shares. Pledge: I have stock in YOUR company?!? Oh THIS should be good�go on. NRO: Part of your inheritance for being one of Papa Joe�s fling results was a small percentage of his net worth at the time of his death, which equated to a 1% stake in Osbourne, Inc. at the time. The market shares are worth $269.00 per share. I will buy your 1% or 3500 shares�for $1.5 million. The market value would only bring you $941500.00 � this is $100000.00 more than the market value. What do you think? Pledge: Make it $2.5 million and you have a deal. NRO: WHAT?!?! Pledge: Exactly my point. It should be more than worth that to you to have regained control of a billion dollar company � not to mention if you hadn�t gotten control of Osbourne, Inc. back you wouldn�t have been able to pull off the seizure of the CWF the way you did. Which I must commend you over. Nicely done. NRO: Well, I was able to talk Matt out of his 1% for 10 cases of Lowenbrau and a pallet of Skoal from Sam�s Club, so I guess I should take the deal you are offering me. You�re a bastard and I will kick your ass for this. Pledge: Sure. you will. I can't wait! NRO: Good. Well, Mr. CWF President, can you hang out with the fam for awhile, or do you need to splitsville? Pledge: I can hang out for an hour or so. NRO: Good, you have to hear about Bob�s plans for next week when he defends his title. Pledge: Need I remind you that he won CWF gold faster than you and me either one? NRO: No. No you don�t. Asshole. Now come over here and listen to the kid� **Rob and Pledge walk over to the gathering around Bob where he is telling the family about his plans. The scene fades out. When it fades back in Rob and Christina are out on the Cumberland River on The Jammy Dodger � Joe �The Crippler� Osbourne�s 32 foot Silverton 310 Express. After some �Mommy/Daddy Happy Fun Time� Rob trots off to the head to take a leak while Christina goes to the galley to make them a quick bite to eat.** Christina: ROOOOOOB����.FOOOOOOD NRO: Hell yeah! I�m starving like Marvin. Christina: Well, you didn�t have the galley restocked so I had what I had. NRO: Peanut butter and fucking jelly? Are you shitting me? Christina: Afraid not there Daddy Warbucks. I�d shut up and like it if I were you. You wouldn�t have that had I not busted open the emergency rations. NRO: I can�t believe I didn�t have the boat restocked. Damnit. Well, maybe we can dock and go grab a bite to eat. Christina: No can do hotshot. I have to go. I love you baby. I expect to see a title back around your waist next Sunday when I get back. **Christina Danky-Osbourne hops off of the boat and walks up the dock to where her Mercedes CLK is parked. She hops in and is gone in a flash. The Nitemare unhooks the docking chords and lets the boat set adrift. He grabs a Heinken from the fridge in the galley and sits down on the deck. He plugs the MP3 player in and sets the playlist to Kings of Leon. As the opening riffs of �Sex on fire� plays he drifts off to sleep�he opens his eyes and he is no longer on the boat in the warm Sunday sun of a Tennessee afternoon in July. Instead of being shirtless in a pair of Bermuda shorts laying out on the deck of the craft, he is now in a full black suit with purple tie. He is standing outside of an all night diner on an otherwise deserted road. It begins raining and he hurries to the door. As he opens it and walks in, he is struck with the realization that he is once again dreaming and that this is not a good dream at all, but in fact a very scary nightmare. He knows he has seen the famous painting over and over, but never dreamed it were possible�** NRO: Oh great. Just fucking beautiful. Marilyn Monroe: Hey there handsome. Come in and take a load off. NRO: What the hell? Why am I dreaming about Marilyn Monroe?!? Marilyn Monroe: Oh honey, you aren�t dreaming. NRO: WHAT?! But you�ve been dead for what�37 years? Marilyn Monroe: Uh-huh. NRO: Wait��that means�...if you�re��how did I? Humphrey Bogart: No kid, you ain�t a goner yet. But you could be. You could be saddling up right here on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. You�re not working here pal, you�re just a stopper by. NRO: So as long as I don�t wake up here in uniform it�s all a bad dream then?!?! Elvis Presley: Naw man. It�s an out of body experience. Not a dream. NRO: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. James Dean: He�s right you know. People like you that get the chance to just come in and have a cup of joe don�t realize they are here to fix something that is wrong with their lives before it�s too late. See, there�s a common theme here. It�s called the Boulevard of Broken Dreams for a reason. Marilyn Monroe: Right. We�re just the afternoon shift, me Bogey, JD and The King. Morning shift is Janice Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger, and Jim Morrison. NRO: So whose the night shift? The sign says 24 hours� Marilyn Monroe: Oh, they�ll be coming any minute. See, we always put the newbies on the night shift until they can handle the busier times� **Just then 4 swirls of light come rushing into the building from outside. They swirl around and each one spins around one of the celebs, engulfing them in a cocoon of light. The lights go black, then cut back on and standing in the place of Monroe, Dean, Bogart and Presley are Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, David Carradine and Billy Mays. Mays, taking over the body of Bogart at the front counter turns to Osbourne and starts talking.** Billy Mays: BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXICONTIN! IF YOU�VE GOT AN ACHE PR PAIN THAT JUST WON�T STOP AND LIKE ME, YOU�RE SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED, JUST POP 1�3...7�13�THE WHOLE BOTTLE�WHATEVER IT TAKES!!! OXICONTIN WILL GET THE JOB DONE!!! Michael Jackson: Oh Billy Mays, you are so silly HE-HE I like working with you. You�re my best pal ever! We can ride around on Unicorns and drink Jesus Juice! It�s going to be grand! SHAM-ON! David Carradine: And I�ll shove a dildo covered in barbed wire up my ass while Mays chokes me and Michael sucks me off! NRO: No wonder they put you freaks on the night shift!!! Farrah Fawcett: Don�t mind them, they still haven�t accepted that they�re dead. NRO: So�..you have then? Farrah Fawcett: Oh yes baby, I know my time has passed. I couldn�t be happier personally. Ryan finally married me, I�m no longer in pain, and I get to spend eternity looking like this instead of how I looked at the end of my natural life. NRO: Well, if it�s any consolation I wish you could have went quickly and peacefully like Michael and him been the one to rot away from ass cancer. That would have been justice. But you do look great. Just like the poster my dad had in the garage! Farrah Fawcett: Awe, thank you sugar. NRO: So none of these other crackpot mother fuckers can seem to tell me WHY I�m here. Can the legendary Charlie�s Angel help me out? Farrah Fawcett: Of course I can, but I think you can figure it out if you put your mind to it. Think long and hard. What�s the name of this diner? NRO: Boulevard of Broken Dreams. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Farrah Fawcett: So you got it then? NRO: Yeah, that�s creepy. My lone remaining career dream is to hold the CWF World Title. If I don�t get my shit together and make that happen soon, I�ll come here when I go to the Street of Broken Dreams�.that about sum it up? Farrah Fawcett: Perfectly. Now get back up there and make the most of it. Billy Mays: BUT WAIT! THAT�S NOT ALL!!! CALL IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES AND YOU CAN GET MY EXCLUSIVE DVD�.THAT�S RIGHT FOLKS! BILLY MAYS HERE FOR DYING YOUNG�. **Osbourne blinks and opens his eyes and is back on his father�s boat. He heads down below to the cabin and switches on his uplink to PWN studios and cuts his first promo for Showdown.** NRO: Ladies and gentlemen, fans of the CWF, I want to address you all directly. As many of you who tuned into Showdown this past Saturday are aware, I am now the new owner of the CWF. I want you to know though, that I realize my being at the helm would not be taken in the right light. Therefore, I have installed my brother and soon to be CWF Hall of Famer, Pledge Alligence, as the Interim President of Wrestling Operations until a time I can screen potential permanent replacements. I want to congratulate Mark Xamin on throwing me one last curveball. Maniac�s return was definitely not something I saw coming, and I have always had an uncanny ability to see into the future of this business and very rarely get left at a loss for words. He got me this week. And so did �The Fluke.� Ah, The Fluke. It had been way too long since we danced. I appreciate your assault on X more than you can imagine. I disagree with you telling him that you would have finished me off anyhow. They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. You beat me once in the MWWF. You beat me once in the EWA. Now, with Xamin�s help, you�ve beaten me in the CWF. You tried to beat me more than once in the MWWF, and in the EWA. You failed. Miserably. My college history professor once said �we study history because it tends to repeat itself. If we know what happened before, we will know what will happen again with a fair amount of certainty.� What makes you think you can change that now? I think I�d like to put you in your place. Which is at the bottom of the food chain, where you belong. But I digress. Maniac is not my opponent this week. No, this week, it�s time for my dreams to become reality and finally�FINALLY claim my place in the annals of CWF history as the CWF Heavyweight Champion of the World. To do that, I must defeat Magnus Thunder. To most of the CWF roster, they would find this to be a problem. Not so for me. I have already ran through one of the seven foot, five hundred pound �unbeatable� behemoths. Doesn�t make a fuck to me. Line �em up, I�ll knock �em down. �But with Magnus, it�s different!� is what they�ll say. Like I give a horse cock fuck. I�ve already established what I think of �them� � whoever �they� are. It doesn�t matter which cartoon character or comic book phenom I�m in the ring with. It can be Astro the Jetson�s dog, Juggernaut of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, or Thor himself Magnus Thunder. When I�m in a match as the underdog, I ALWAYS find a way to come out with my hand raised. It�s in my blood. I�m an Osbourne. That�s what we do. It may not always be within the limitations of the rule book, and it may not be pretty, but we get the job done. Just like I will next week against Magnus Thunder at Scars �N Stripes. Do me a favor Mags�can you have Chiron polish the belt extra hard this week? Not the knob man, the belt. What are you, some kind of perv? Sheesh. **Osbourne switches off the uplink as the scene fades to black.** |
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