| (The scene opens to...really people, does it matter where the scene is opening to? I mean, Rob Osbourne is back...what more do we need?!?! You want to hear it anyway? Oh, ok. The setting is the front lawn of Osbourne Inc. towers in downtwon Nashville, Tennessee. There is a construction crew nearby in preperations to change the signage on the perimeter. The camera pans angles and zooms in on the top floor and to the boardroom. Seated behind three leather wing back chairs on one side, near the door and inner walls are three old codgers clad in typical CEO and Lawyer garb, black suits, briefcases, the whole nine. One of the men, a true throwback to his "peers" sports a monacle and chest draping gold time piece . On the other side of the table, standing, with his back to the men, gazing out of the 57 story building, wearing Khaki shorts, a Cuban dress shirt, with his hair in a neat cropped pony tail, stands the embodiment of the perfect creation of God. "The Nitemare" Rob Osbourne. The men are shuffling through what appears to be three copies of the same document, clearly stamped "PHOTOCOPY." After several minutes of there rifling through the thick mass, Osbourne appears to begin losing his patience, he turns to face them.....) |
| NRO: Is there a reason this is even neccessary? Shouldn't I be the one concerned with the paperwork? I am the one selling my company, I am the one losing an annual revenue of 32.3 million a year for a one time lump annuity of 123 million. I would make that in four years, let alone what I would generate over the next 30 to 40 years before I would hand it over to my son anyway. Why is this not a scene of you three bumbling monkey boys to the Supreme Potentate Donald Trump drooling at the aquisition? Monacle Man: Well Mr. Osbourne, I shall say, your cander, or the lack there of is appreciated. While we at Trump Inc., and Mr. Trump himself are dumbfounded at why you would make such a deal, we are also not fools.... NRO: WHAT?!?! You think I'm an unfair business man? You think i would cheat or swindle in business? Monacle Man: No sir it's just that Mr. Trump thought it would be best if we looked everything over.... NRO: So The Donald thinks I'm a scheister then eh? Monacle Man: Sir... NRO: It doesn't matter what The Donald thinks...wait, on second thought, get his horse hair comb over havin ass up on the speaker phone now Monacle Man before I drive your old baldass wrinkled up head through this conference table leaving your scalp nothing but a masse' of blood, skin, and splinters of cherry wood. |
| (Monacle Man begins whimpering like a whipped pup as he clumsily dials the private line to Donald Trump's suite in Manhatten. After three rings the distinguishable sound of The Donald is coming over the loud speakers in the board room. Monacle Man begins doting out apologies and pleasantries to The Donald. Osbourne cuts him off) |
| NRO: Donald, baby, what the fuck? DT: Rob, I don't know what to say. I told these guys you were slick, I guess they took it upon themselves to assume that meant I was implying they shouldn't trust you. I never meant for them to present myself or Trump Inc. in that manner. NRO: Well I was just telling Monacle Man that with what he said, I oughtta Badd Dream his bitch ass through the 1300 dollar cherry conference room table. What do you think Donald? DT: Oh, by all means Rob, feel free, in fact, do you have a video linkup? NRO: I sure do. (he flips the switch and the Donald is on a projection screen and a small camera in the outcrop indicates Osbourne is on his.) DT: Good, Pete, I'm not responible for what Mr. Osbourne is about to do to you. Fred and Wilbur, I want those papers signed if Mr. Osbourne has to have one of you bend over and aplay table if this one should, shall we say, come to perish. Monacle Man Pete: What? Mr. Trump as an employee of Trump Inc., and with this event being witnessed and filmed, I expect you to intervene.... DT: Fred...Wilbur...Mr. Osbourne...do any of you see anything? No, I didn't think so. Oh, and Pete....YOU'RE FIRED! |
| (Monacle Man cowers and starts to scamper but Osbourne quickly overtakes him and shoves the mans head in his armpit, he grips the left and right arms under both of the mans shoulders and joins them together, he drags the mans heavy body up onto the table he bends his legs just a bit then thrusts the mans body at a 45 degree angle into the air, then lowers his body bottom firt, kicking both legs forward to speed the velocity and intensify the impact of the perfet double armed DDT he calls The Badd Dream. The mans head cracks through the first layer of Cherry wood and his head is mashed with wood the color of blood. As his own blood does begin to flow the pattern on his head engrossingly fills the screen as The Donald cringes and then all four men begin laughing as Pete, the Monalce Man throwback nostalgic bsuiness man is lying on the ground convulsing. Osbourne quickly signs the papers and they say pleasantries. The lawyer, Wilbur, stamps the deal making it official. Trump clicks the button on his mouse, showing Osbourne over his shoulder, the money being trnasfered to his off shore account. As Mr. Trump begins to make the formal purchase to an end, Osbourne revelas his cunning business mastery) |
| DT: Well a pleasure doing business with you Mr. Osbourne... NRO: You mean a pleasure doing business for me right Donald? DT: I'm sorry, I don't follow you...... NRO: Yes, yes you do follow me. See what you just did was pay me to run my company. I just outsourced the entire entity to Trump Inc. You are now responible for the management, production, facility maintenance. You name it, Trump Inc. does it. They receive 65% of the annual profits, I retain the remaining 35%. Should you decide to be clever and simply ruin the company I have a clause in that official document granting me 51% ownership of Trump Inc. in return for damage to my assets and to assure me, for the most part, thatyou are a professional and would never disparage to do something so drast. Yes Donald, it will be a pleasure having you do business for me, freeing me of my time so that I can go back to what i love, and not have to worry about this business staying where it is in the world markets without me at the desk 65 hours a week. In truth Donald, it allows me to go on a permanent vacation, not like the little 4 or 5 month stints I used to pull out once a year. No, i have kicked ass and taken names in the business world the last two years, and i miss the taste of my own blood so much, I am willing to put myself in positions to taste it. I like the mind games of the business world too Doand, just like I have shown you here today, but my my, how I thrive on and am completely invigorted by the mind games in wrestling. The pain is fun to. But for now. I'll just settle for the tag team circuit, cause I'm not trying to fool anyone, it's been nealy two years since I laced a pair of boots. I still work out everyday. But you get ring rust if you're not in the ring all the time. But I don't think it will take me a long time to get my stroke back....it never does. DT: Mr. Osbourne, your tactical maneuvers are what keep me from being the best. you never cease to impress me either. What about Pete? Is he gonna be ok? NRO: Minor brain damage...it happens to every person I Badd Dream. Take it several times, you'll lose your mind, like the great ones that fell to me in the past. Look at Blair, I've Badd Dreamed him so many times he thinks he's me now. I've got it all Donald, that's why I am who i am. Don't make my company look bad or you'll be just another Pete to me, capesche? |
| (Osbourne reaches up and flips the switch on the camera and the two monkeys scamper out. Osbourne kicks Pete in the face for good measure and leaves the room himself. As he walks through the hallways of his building he steps out into the sunlight. He walks casually to his parking space and unlocks the door of his Ferarri and speeds off. Along the way he Nextels his pilot to confirm the Condor 216 is ready for take off. He pulls off of I-24 and into the Nashville International airport hangar area. As he nears his plane, the cargo bay doors on the only private jet larger than Airforce One lower and he gently pulls the expensive Italian sports car in and the hatch closes behind him. He walks up the bay corridor to his quarters as his pilot announces they are taxiing the runway waiting for take off. CWF Headquarters EAS 3 hours sixteen minutes. Weather will be sunny and we will coast at 30,000 feet. Rob pops in a burnt DVD disc that says Chapelle Show sketch w/Rob Osbourne. He pops in the disc and sits down on the purple suede couch and packs the bowl of his double chambered graphix glass bubbler as the two old men sing the intro....) |
| Dave Chapelle: What's happenin America? Dave Chapelle here with another episode of Chapelle's Show. We got a great show for ya tonight America. Lots of sketches, lots of comedy, and lot's of offensive racial content. Ya'll ever be watching Rasslin' and see them big dudes beating the hell outta each other? They do some crazy shit! We were wondering what it'd be like if a crackhead went to one of those "Beat the champ and win 500 dollar" contests. Let's take a look.... Tyrone Bigguns: I thinks I can beat the champ fo fy huneh dollars! Damn, that'll buy a LOT of crack!! NRO: What the fuck is this shit? Cut. Hey, Dave, I thought you said this was going to be funny? Dave Chapelle (in Tyrone costume): Yeah Rob man, you'll kill this crackhead...unless he smokes some crack, or drinks a red balls! NRO: YOu think me killing him is funny? Dave Chapelle: Yeah, really, it is, but what we thought would be funnier is if he does smoke some crack and then beats you. That shit would be funny B. NRO: Where's he gonna get the crack? I mean, if he has crack, he wouldnt come to wrestle me for the future crack, right? So, wheres the crack? Dave Chapelle: Well, to be honest with ya Rob, we hadn't thought of how we were gonna do it, we were just gonna improvise. You got any suggestions man? NRO: Yeah, how about he breaks into Rothchild's office and smokes the crack he must be smoking thinking any of these marks in this so called "tournament" can hang with the Eternal Heel. No one the CWF threw at me while I paraded around as Steve Dart could even make it past the half way mark of the time limit. I mean, the great and powerful "Personification of Greatness" Paul Blair was a test run to get myself ready for the seemingly forgotten tag team championship tournament. Then the CWF, not knowing it REALLY had thegreatest legend back in its locker room also signs and brings back "The Golden Boy" Jeff Jericho. They also bring back my life long arch nemesis, The Maniac. Or as I used to call him "The Fluke." But not just that, no that wasn't where Rothchild err'd. No, he also brought back the biggest human sleep aid device known to man, F-Troop....wait...Z-Pac, yeah, thats his name. Quote the Wicked Sick nevermore. So what does all this re-emergence of the stars of yesterday tell us about the current state of pro wrestling Dave? Dave Chapelle: Uhm, that it stinks Rob? NRO: Hells yeah! I mean, if the guys we passed the torch to like Chemical X, SickBoy, Rusty Miller, Mayhem, Astro, Lu Yen, among others, if they had been good enough to carry the sport we wouldn't all be getting lucrative contract offers from Jason Rothchild to come act as lif preservers for the faltering, sickly , death bed patient the SWF has left the CWF to be. So I fight for the CWF, is it because I love the CWF? No, it's because Rothy is a damned good business man. I'd fight against the CWF to the highest bidder. Dave Chapelle: Damn niggah, the show's only a half hour, I'll pay you to shut up and shoot this bit, damn! NRO: Oh damn, my bad Dave, you know how it is, i be rambling when I'm stoned. Dave Chapelle: Cool cool, and....action.... NRO: So you think YOU can beat me? Tyrone Bigguns: Oh no sir, Is cant beat yoou...but Crackeye can! {Tyrone runs out of the ring as the referee starts the 20 count. He heads directly to CWF President Jason Rothchild's office and crashes throught he door and retrieves a can of Crackeye brand crack in a can. He downs it and flexes his muscles as the theme from Popeye plays. He races back to the ring, his legs disappearing and two shelby racing tires appear spinning and he takes off, reaching the ring at the count of 18. He jumps in the ring, bounces off of one rope and gives Rob osbourne a clothesline. He counces off the opposing rope and delivers yet another. Then, jumping to his feet he grabs Rob osbourne and attempts to give him his own finishing maneuver when suddenly Osbourne breaks character and low blows him and then gives him a Badd Dream of his own rendering Dave Chapelle momentarily unconcious. Minutes later he shakes his head and apparently more entertained than angry he stays in character and stands up looking at the camera.} Tyrone Bigguns: Godamn, crack will make you do some stupid shit. Kids, say no to drugs...that way lil NeyNey still got rock left after I "sell" my cheeseburgers, you know what im saying? Peace! {In a flash of light Tyrone takes off like a superhero into the sky and through the roof. Osbourne stands there puzzled for a minute and then asks the director what is going on. } Director: Oh, he still has som of the weed they got for the Half Baked movie, and he smoked a doob of it while you were rambling earlier. NRO: Really? {Osbourne smiles and reaches down picking up the roach off of the ground and smokes the shit out of it then flips off the camera and flies out the hole Dave left behind. The screen goes black and dvd returns to the menu screen. } |
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| NRO: Wow, that was pretty funny. Not as funny as the CWF looking like 1998, well, since we're there, I'll steal a quote from then..."Cwf, I'll run through you like a hot knife through butter, brother" - "HOtshot" Mike Stewert 1998. Thank you very much. But I must make it my point to discuss each and everyone of the entrants into this little Rob Osbourne wrestling clinic that the CWF feels the need to host. I will win, if not all, then at least 90% of my matches, of course, we know this Dmaien Blood has not a chance on this earh or below it to even make it to the ring, let alone actually have the gumption to get in the ring with the greatest man in the history of this legendary sport of kings, me, Rob Osbourne. I mean, come on, this guy lost a bout to Darren Dangerous. Darren Dangerous? Jesus H. Christ man, come on , you have to have something better than that to call yourself? How bad can your real last name be? I mean, it obviously isn't Dangerous. You are the furthest thing from the word. You look like a big Teddy Bear that i want to hold and cuddle and squeeze and call George. The thought of you making it past the first round is unfathomable, so I dont have to give it even a second thoght. Freeway, Blair, Chemical X, Ryan Jones....NNNNNGGGG!!! None of them even got a near fall on me. I took them all to the cleaners, the same way I took Donald Trump to the cleaners, the same way I will take each and every one of the CWF roster memebers in my way in this tournament. I don't care if , as in 1998 it is once again either me vs. Maniac or against my brother. I won one of those matches, the other was chance. I'd love to beat Maniac again, and Id love a chance to even the score with my own younger brother Chris. But Chris, you have to stop wanting to be me. I mean, you pretended in public this time Chris. Mom told you, your therapist told you, Jenna told you, you just cant listen. It is not healthy to want to BE me. Emulate me all day long, as Paul Blair has done. Mimic me in the ring as Trent Davidson and Jeff Robbins do, but dont try and play my life out, because unless you have the forethought I have, you'll never make it. One before the CWF saw me come to its hallowed ground that Dart built and in the debut of the Blair Jericho Wrestling other I outlasted 29 other men, other CWF Superstars, you know, back when they were REALLY superstars, and won that match to face off against Z-Pac for the World Title. Then the CWF went to shit immediately after I was robbed and Z awarded the title. Rothy, baby, don't let history repeat itself. Just save all of these two bit dishwashers the time and energy and bruises and internal bleeding and broken limbs and pulled muscles and bloody stools. Just give me the belt and cut it a round short, ok? No? Well, prepare CWF, because once again, your Life is paiN....Sweet Dreams! {FTB} |
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