Top ten things men should NOT say out loud in a lingerie shop...
10. - Does this come in children's sizes?
9. - No thanks, just sniffing.
8. - I'll be in the changing room going blind.
7. - Mum will love these.
6. - Oh the size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. - No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4. - Will you model this for me???
3. - The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!
2. - £45 quid?! Why?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!
1. - Love, you'll never squeeze your fat arse into that.
Understanding Women
Q - How many men does it take to open a beer?
A - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q - How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A - When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q - How do you fix a woman's watch?
A - You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q - Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A - Two Mothers-in-law.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it ...... once.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Wendy
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read 'Wy'.
After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing- optional beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.
"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"