| The Quest to Save KFC |
| By Jeremy West |
| It was just another day at Ho Island. Yes, Ho Island. Wheeler apparently thought it would be funny to scratch out the other two letters. The Planeteers were amusing themselves in various ways. Linka was sunbathing while Wheeler and Ma-Ti looked at her through a pair of binoculars. Various exclamations were heard from their direction, including "Ooh ooh, I saw a titty!" and other such nonsense. Suddenly, Guya signaled the alert. Linka dressed and ran into the Crystal Chamber. Wheeler and Ma-Ti struggled to hide their obscene photos of Linka as they ran towards the emergency. "Where's Kwame and Gi?" asked Linka. Seconds later, Kwame and Gi appeared. Kwame's shirt was not all the way tucked in, and Gi had a white stain on her jacket. Eyebrows went up, and knowing smiles were exchanged as Kwame struggled to right himself. "What's the emergency, Guya?" asked Wheeler. "The word is in peril, Planeteers," said Guya. "Hoggish Greedly has stolen all the chicken wings from KFC. He plans to study and learn the Colonel's secret blend of spices. Governments around the world could buckle under the stress. Also, Doctor Clucky's experimental chicken-powered jet engine will not work without the fabled chicken. His engine could usher in a new age of clean propulsion. We must put a stop to this!" Immediately, the Planeteers sprang into action. They powered up the Geo-Cruiser to take them to Greedly's hideout in Las Vegas. The Geo-Cruiser had recently been refitted with a steam-powered engine that was dependent on coal. Kwame took control of the flight stick and yelled at Ma-Ti to start shoveling the coal into the furnace. Ma-Ti whined as he did it, but one blast of fire from Wheeler's ring fried his pet monkey, and Ma-Ti shoveled like the wind, afraid he would be next. Two hours later the Planeteers arrived at Greedly's hideout in Las Vegas. "Mmm, smells like fried chicken," exclaimed Gi. As Gi and the others walked towards the pungent aroma of the Colonel's finest, Wheeler started getting the shakes. His last heroin fix had worn off hours ago, and he was desperate for some. He broke off from the group and ran to a deserted alley in the heart of Las Vegas. Wheeler finally found a dealer, but he realized he was out of money. Without must hesitation at all, he slipped off his ring and traded it for some of the precious drug. Finally having taken care of himself, he rushed to join the rest of the Planeteers. The entrance to Greedly's hideout was unlocked, and the Planeteers cautiously walked inside. It was dark at first, but the insidious laughter of Greedly turned on the lights. As usual, Greedly was eating while Rigger stood at the ready. "You pesky Planeteers!" yelled Greedly. "You'll never stop me! Soon," he gestured to the scientists in the other room, "I'll have the secret recipe, and nothing will stop me. I, and I alone, shall hold the secret to the most awesome fried chicken ever! Rigger, take care of them." Rigger immediately flipped a switch he had been holding. A net came crashing down from the ceiling. Only Wheeler was fast enough to get out of the way, and he watched in horror as the net caught his friends. Thinking quickly, Kwame started the call for Captain Planet. "Earth!" yelled Kwame. Kwame was puzzled by the pause and looked expectantly at Wheeler. "I... er... lost my ring," he lied. "What?!" yelled Kwame. "You stupid shit! You traded it for drugs again, didn't you?" "Maybe," Wheeler sheepishly replied. The Planeteers all joined in yelling at Wheeler at this point. Finally, Wheeler decided to get his ring back, no matter what. He ran out of the open door moments before it closed. Wheeler shuddered as the door closed, afraid for his friends. Focusing on the task at hand, he set out to find his ring. Wheeler's search took hours. He finally tracked his dealer to a secluded building in the more questionable section of Las Vegas. He opened the door with authority, and the dealer, who had been sitting at a table, jumped up in surprise. "I want my ring back," commanded Wheeler. The dealer had regained his composure by now, and a crude sneer adorned his face. "You gave it to me fair and square; no dice, bitch," cackled the rude man. With a wave of his arm big men with bloodshot eyes and baseball bats moved towards him. "Oh, you gonna play like dat?" chuckled Wheeler. In an instant Wheeler pulled out his gat and blasted them muthafuckas. The dealer looked on in horror as Wheeler put a hole in the head of each of his cohorts. Then, the shining barrel of Wheeler's .357 was pointed at him. He stammered like an actor with stage fright and, with shaking hands, gave Wheeler his ring back. Wheeler put the gun up to his head, but, with a chuckle, he noted the dealer had messed himself and left to help his friends. A blast of fire from Wheeler's ring blew the door, and he rushed to find his fellow Planeteers. He finally found them tied up in a storage room. Quickly he freed all of them with the exception of Linka. "Wheeler, why haven't you untied me?!" shouted Linka. "Cuz, baby, you look good tied up," observed Wheeler. A string of curses that would've put a sailor to shame issued from Linka, and Wheeler unwillingly untied her. Now that they were free, the Planeteers would put a stop to Greedly's plans. Meanwhile, Greedly had finally gotten the secret formula as he desired. He held up the paper in triumph only to have it blown away by Linka's wind power. Greedly was so surprised by the sudden appearance of the Planeteers that he had a heart attack and died. (An autopsy later revealed that Greedly's arteries were fully blocked by cholesterol.) Rigger had a copy of the recipe himself, and he ran to Greedly's private jet, rocketing away. "Quickly, to the Geo-Cruiser; we cannot let him get away. That recipe is vital to the free world," exclaimed Kwame. With amazing speed, the Planeteers rushed to their aircraft. Ma-Ti manned the shovel, and they were off. The Geo-Cruiser was fast, but Greedly's jet was just a little faster. "Shovel faster, fool!" yelled Kwame. "I can't," whined Ma-Ti. In exasperation, Wheeler whipped him. Even with the whipping they were being left behind. "It's time for Captain Planet," said Kwame. "Let our powers combine! Earth!" "Fire!" "Wind!" "Water!" "Heart!" In a shimmering display of lights, a figure emerged. "By your powers combined, I am Captain Penis!" "Psst, it's Captain Planet," helped Ma-Ti. "Right, Captain Planet, damn Alzheimer's," said Captain Planet. The customary "Go, Planet," was replaced by "Get yo ass up and hurry up!" due to the annoyance of the Planeteers. Captain Planet rushed toward Greedly's jet. Rigger saw him coming and fired a recipe missile at him. The missile hit Captain Planet, and the spicy mixture splattered all over him. "Aah! Too... uhh... spicy," Captain Planet gasped as he started to fall. "Take that, Planet Punk!" teeheed Rigger. "Who you callin' a punk, biatch?!" Rigger yelped and looked in front of him. Captain Planet had in his hand possibly the largest joint ever. It was 5 feet long and 3 feet wide. He was tokin' on it like a champion, and it gave him strength. Captain Planet ripped apart Greedly's het and grabbed Rigger by the hair. The recipe was destroyed in a ball of fire, and the future of KFC, and possibly the world, was safe once again. As a reward for helping out, Doctor Clucky gave the Planeteers one of his chicken-powered engines for the Geo-Cruiser. All Ma-Ti had to do now was throw in a packet of spices and a live chicken every once in a while. Now that their job was done the Planeteers decided to see the sights in Las Vegas. They visited one of the famous casinos, and Wheeler and Ma-Ti immediately took out their cameras to take pictures of the strippers. "Wow, these pictures will be better than the ones we took of Linka," cried Ma-Ti. "You have sordid pictures of me?!" questioned Linka. "Well," Wheeler grinned, "actually, Hustler has them now. But don't worry none, baby, we'll split the profits with ya." All of a sudden Linka, Wheeler, and Ma-Ti noticed Kwame and Gi were missing. They gave up looking after a minute or so and resolved to head back to the Geo-Cruiser. The aircraft was swaying on its landing gear, and loud moans were heard from it. "Whoa!" exclaimed Wheeler. "Well, if the Geo-Cruiser be rockin' we sure as hell ain't knockin'." Ah, just another day in the life of the Planeteers. |