| The Power of Heart |
| Welcome to the third issue! Upon looking at the cover the reader is immediately repulsed by Ma-Ti leading a hoard of animals, including a rabbit the size of a small dog and a dog the size of a small horse. Well, maybe Ma-Ti's just short. Either way they're all really mad and baring their teeth and stuff. We turn the page and are instantly greeted by Argos Bleak and his mercenaries barging into McArthur Missile Base at 5:48, firing weapons everywhere. One of the geeks at the console tells them they can't come in there, but, frankly, who in their right mind tells that to five heavily armed individuals, one of which is firing haphazardly into the ceiling, probably shooting some poor guy in the butt while he's sitting on the can after eating a Super Frijole Casserole for lunch? Come to think of it, Argos is probably doing the floor above a favor. Argos tells the stupid scientist or whatever to shut up, explaining pretty much what I said above, that they've got guns and can do whatever they want. One would think that security would have guns, but I guess this base is severely understaffed and only has just enough people to press important buttons and play Pacman for the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of the day. One scientist gets brave and tries to make a run for it but gets noticed. You don't suppose this has anything to do with the fact that he's running with his hands in the air and isn't trying to be quiet at all? Argos shoots his pistol at the "egghead's" feet four times, causing the guy to jump into the air. I'd guess he's about 35, but that's completely irrelevant. It seems that Argos and his gang want to use the base for their own nefarious purposes, as a missile full of toxic waste is supposed to be launched into space today. But Argos wants to change course so that it will hit Washington, D.C.! Oh no! Not Congress! Not Bush Sr.! Not... oh, hell, who am I kidding? Go, Argos! More power to you! Then Argos, using a communicator on his left arm while identifying himself as "Right Arm," calls "Head Office," which turns out to be none other than... a green-sleeved arm with a pink, tiger-print elbow. Three guesses who, and the first two don't count. The mystery arm commands Bleak to broadcast their demands. Bleak appears on TV's all across the nation, even the ones that are turned off, scaring the living daylights out of some kid who with a shirt that is way, way too small for him and his mom, who looks rather butch. Oh, I just noticed there's another person in the scene, but he's mostly off the page, smoking, and reading a newspaper. Die, you random father, you! You're subjecting your poor kid to second-hand smoke! Do you know the damage that can cause?! The broadcast is also showing in storefronts and government offices, and Bleak says, after apologizing for interrupting "Inspector Gadget," that he and his mercenary terrorists are going to launch the missile at D.C. unless they get paid one million dollars within two hours. Come on, that's nothing! That would be so easy for the government to get together! But the government official watching the broadcast, probably very pissed that he didn't get to see how Inspector Gadget beats the Claw or whatever his name was, says into some random phone that, while they can't raise that amount of money, they still have to try. And we're on Hope Island, seeing yet another thing the Planeteers like to do in their spare time: practice with their powers. A huge, magical tennis ball is flying around their heads threatening to give any one of them a concussion at any second if they so much as blink. It seems the game is called "Fly-Ball," and the first to attack the poor ball is Wheeler, who shoots fire out of his hand, literally, and flames the ball before running off to get some badly needed first aid. Actually, his hand is fine, and now Linka puts out the fire with her power. Next up is Gi, who splashes the metallic menace, followed by Game Genie, who promises that "over 25 million lives will be saved." Kwame takes a turn and shoots up a pillar of earth that smacks the ball while declaring "in baseball lingo, this would be considered 'a base hit,'" whatever that is. The ball flies straight at Ma-Ti's head, and the others wonder what he'll do to the ball, but all it does it fall to the ground after a few seconds, and Wheeler starts making fun of his powers. Well, it's not like it's his fault, as the ball has no mind or anything that Ma-Ti can influence. Still, Wheeler points and laughs and says that Ma-Ti's the weakest of all, only to be admonished by Linka. For all Linka's efforts, though, Ma-Ti finds himself agreeing with Wheeler and imagines a sewer he can hide in until a couple of Ninja Turtles poke their heads in to promote their new Game Boy game. Yes, I am incorporating the ads into the storyline. Get used to it. Before Ma-Ti can start crying, Gaia, pink still, appears to tell them to head over to the Crystal Chamber. The teens and the preteen take off, Wheeler running like a dork and calling out Whoopi's name and Gi lying to Ma-Ti and telling him he's not useless. Once inside, Gaia shows them the McArthur base and explains to them the situation and how the nation's capital will be unlivable (there's that stupid word again!) if the missile is launched. In the next panel, they lift off in their "solar-powered, non-polluting Geo-Cruiser," and Gi turns Terminator for a moment as she says "Hasta la vista, baby!" She, of course, is immediately accused of watching too many movies. Ma-Ti, of course, is still moping around, musing about how all he has as a weapon is his own heart, which is a very small weapon. I don't know about that. It's certainly large enough to pitch at someone's head and make them retch in disgust while you make a getaway. I don't know how Ma-Ti would feel about you ripping out his heart, though. The gang passes the time by singing B-I-N-G-O until their brains explode in agony and land the Geo-Cruiser in some woods near the base, which is surrounded by a wire fence with a big red sign that says "KEEP OUT." In order to hide themselves, Gi makes a puddle (there she goes shooting water again), Wheeler evaporates it into steam which then condenses in the air to form water vapor, and Linka directs the vapor to the fence so that they can all climb over. As they do so, Wheeler and Gi congratulate themselves while Linka tells them off. The two guards standing at the door see the fog approaching but decide it's not worth their while to leave their posts and orders. They sure don't pick them for their brains, do they? Seems Bleak needs to learn how to hire ones with an IQ of more than 3. The Planeteers sneak inside and move through the corridors until they see two more guards standing near the control room. One of them pulls out a cigarette and asks his buddy Rocco, who apparently has lost a very ferocious fight with a hair trimmer and a pair of scissors, for a light. Wheeler takes this as his cue and jumps out, shouting "Fire!" A blast once more emanates from his hand directly and hits the smoker's gun. As his piece is now too hot for him to hold, the guy drops it, probably to focus more of his energy on coming up with his alliteration of H's. Say, just to interrupt here for a second, shouldn't that have made the gun blow up or shoot or something? I mean, that gun's flaming, so you'd think the gunpowder would ignite and maybe shoot Ma-Ti so we could get this issue over with, but no such luck. Ma-Ti turns out to be useful a second later when he puts the guards to sleep by shooting peppermints out of his ring. The men promptly slump to the ground against a door that probably is the one the Planeteers need to enter. Despite the usefulness Ma-Ti just displayed, Wheeler still makes fun of him, much like I've been doing, and Kwame reprimands Wheeler. Leaving Ma-Ti outside the control room in order to keep the guards under control, the four enter the room after Kwame creates a diversion by posting the October COOLometer. Things that are cool: Peewee Herman, Marvel stock, virtual reality, seventies rock music, dirt roads, serial killers, arena football. Things that are in the middle: multi-format first issues, Beverly Hills 90210, Apatosaurus skulls, hipsterism old westerns, dental hygiene. Things that suck: informationals, Catwoman, Sy Sperling, Druids, self-organized criticality, network TV. It's a sad day indeed when serial killers and Peewee Herman make the top, isn't it? "Earth!" shouts Kwame, who causes some dirt to shoot up from the floor. Linka actually puts her power to good use, however and blows away a few guards. At the attack, Bleak presses the only button not designed for playing Pacman and launches the missile. "CHOOM!" it goes, and the Planeteers automatically call Captain Planet because they're telepathically linked by Ma-Ti. That would piss me off, to be linked with other people. You'd have to always be watching what you think. So Captain Planet appears with his special logo again despite the fact that he doesn't say his normal catch phrase. But in calling Captain Planet, the four Planeteers in the control room are left without any defenses when they are surrounded by the mercenaries. Meanwhile, out in space, Captain Planet catches up with the missile and blows it up in space, where the toxics will presumably fall back to earth, if I know anything about gravity. Which I do. Captain Planet flies back down to the base and breaks in through a window or perhaps the main view screen, though it actually looks like a giant microwave oven or something. The Planeteers are seated on four rolly-type chairs, so at least they're comfy while Bleak taunts Cap with the fact that he has to do everything the mercenary says lest the Planeteers get blasted. Unsure of how to proceed, Cap mentally asks Gaia for advice, and she tells him not to do what Bleak commands, probably because in this panel Bleak has a head the size of Cap's entire chest. While Argos makes fun of Captain Planet's hair color, Ma-Ti peeks in the open door, apparently unaware that he's hiding behind pane of glass. Without Ma-Ti's power to suppress the sleeping guards, Rocco manages to wake up and pull his gun on Ma-Ti. Suddenly, Suchi leaps up and clamps like a leech onto Rocco's head. He probably thought that Rocco's bad haircut was what was actually threatening Ma-Ti, but the result is the same. Rocco drops his gun and holds his eyes, and the two small primates run off. Rocco yells into the control room that the planet kid got away, but Bleak isn't worried. After all, it's Ma-Ti we're talking about? Who would be worried? Bleak is concerned enough, however, to post a two-page spread of the sexiest Marvel shirts around, featuring the X-Men, Spidey, Silver Surfer, and many other superheroes. "Spidey says order now!" Like we're going to be taking orders from a superhero in a pink Santa hat. Bleak then tells Captain Planet to go and retrieve the Geo-Cruiser because they're going to launch another missile, which I guess is also filled with toxic waste even though only one was scheduled for launch at Moscow. DIE, COMMIES!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! We don't see how Linka reacts to this news, but I imagine she's pretty worried about her family or at least her pet canary or something. According to Bleak, the explosion will create an environmental disaster, an international incident, and will also blast the Planeteers to ashes. I don't know how that's going to happen, but let's read on! Cap flies off "with a heavy heart" in front of a huge image of himself for dramatic effect and flies the Geo-Cruiser back to the base, all the while hoping Ma-Ti can do something to help, since Gaia thinks he can and all. On his way he flies through an advertisement to choose five books from a list for only $1 when one joins the Science Fiction Book Club. But they're not all crappy titles. I see "Star Wars: Heir to the Empire" in there, and I'm assuming that "Jurassic Park" is a good read. However tempting the offer may be, Captain Planet passes it up and lands at the base, putting the GC right under the missile. So that's how it'll blast the Planeteers. Poor guys. Bleak commands Captain Planet to go back into the rings, and he obligingly disappears, probably thinking, along with hoping Ma-Ti is ready, that Bleak is a dumbass, because Cap really goes back to the Crystal Matrix and only borrows the powers of the rings. Even the comic states that he returns to the earth and not the rings. Whatever. While Bleak forces the Planeteers into the Geo-Cruiser, Ma-Ti watches from a distance, wondering what he can do with his puny power. Gaia appears... still pink... and says that he can do it, yadda yadda. In the frame following this, Ma-Ti looks very macho all of a sudden, and Suchi reminds me of one of the monkey guys from the original "Planet Of the Apes." Ma-Ti says that he can use the help of his animal friends but then thinks of rats getting stabbed with needles, monkeys with wires in their brains, dolphins with military stuff on them, and the influenza virus, for whatever reason. I guess it could be the HIV virus, but I don't think that virus's glycoproteins look quite like the ones in the picture. It's probably influenza. Terribly disturbed by all the pink animals and viruses, Ma-Ti uses his power and overly large head to communicate with the animals and ask what they think. They reply that they will help, and a rambunctious raccoon cheers, "Let's go kick some tail!" Back at the base, Argos is just about to force the Planeteers into the Geo-Cruiser (finally!) while the other guards continue to make fun of Ma-Ti. But before he can act, Argos is poked in the eye by an extreme camera close up and then turns to see a stampede of squirrels, quails, deer, bears, monkeys, wolves, birds, and God-knows-what-else running at him with Ma-Ti miraculously in the lead. Heck, if his power is no good, at least he can run at superhuman speeds. Since the guards are too stupid to fire at the animals and bring them all down with their assault rifles, the animals start knocking the bad guys down, giving the Planeteers time enough to call Captain Planet once more. But Ma-Ti starts off the call! What gives? Here's the order, as best I can discern the circular pattern: Heart, Earth, Wind, Water, Fire. Well, whatever. Cap appears, says the catch phrase he forgot earlier, and is immediately knocked out of the sky by another two-page spread, this time of sports cards by Fleer with their trademark onomatopoeias. He quickly picks himself back up and lifts a wall of earth around six of the mercenaries while Bleak makes a run for it. Ma-Ti demands the chance to be useful, and so Cap relinquishes his power back to him. Argos wisely runs like hell from the stampede of animals and one puny human but then stops once he's in the woods and realizes that he's running from Ma-Ti, of all people. Ma-Ti and the nearest buck screech to a halt, Ma-Ti narrowly avoiding falling on his butt, and the Kayapo ignores Argos's taunts of how crappy his power is. "Heart!" he calls, looking suddenly Asian, and confronts Argos "with the reality of the blackness of his soul." Even though this will have no lasting effect, Argos is overwhelmed and passes out, though it's likely due to all the pink light getting shot at his torso. I mean, I'd pass out just to make that stop, too. Exhausted from shooting pink all over the place, Ma-Ti likewise falls to the ground. Who's that? Look, Al Gore is back, and he slips a hearing aid into Ma-Ti's ear while he's unconscious. Ma-Ti wakes up to find that the Planeteers and Captain Planet are standing there staring at him and grinning, probably because he wet his pants or something. Wheeler admits that Ma-Ti's not useless, and Captain Planet makes some comment about how Ma-Ti taught everyone a lesson, though they didn't learn anything about how Captain Planet can mysteriously appear without being called by the Planeteers. Maybe that's explained in the mythical 13th issue that I just made up. Ma-Ti sits up like a girl and thanks his animals friends while Al Gore hides out in the bushes while wearing a trench coat with an extremely high, turned-up collar and a red hood and scarf. Man, three years after losing the presidency because of some stupid Floridians who can't follow stinkin' arrows and look what happens to the poor guy. He's even grown a tail, for crying out loud! Planeteer Alert! Don't buy disposable razors! Don't waste paper! Wash out paper and plastic cups to use again! (Okay, Cap, so long as the paper doesn't disintegrate in the hot water like normal) Recycle! But don't recycle old book reports, like Wheeler suggests, especially if your grades are as bad as his. The power is yours! Screw the last ad. I don't care any more, `cause Captain Planet still isn't in it. |