| Smog Gets In Your Eyes! |
| Here's Issue number 2 in the twelve-issue series! Yay! Whoohoo! So! The issue opens with a stunning drawing in which everyone is blue and running in fear from a huge dragon (whom we later find out to be named Smog and who probably also acted in the animated movie "The Hobbit" as Smaug) who is doing nothing other than breathing. However, this breath is a very dark purple smoke. It turns out that the town is "the tiny European village of Clenaria... a peaceful farming community, with no factories, no smokestacks, and few automobiles." I wonder where those cars gas up. So the dragon continues to breath smoke until some jet fighters with American-sounding pilots with names like Maverick, Topper, Iceman, and Goose come to attack. They are all completely blown up to little pieces, but miraculously, everyone manages to eject despite the flames all around them. Go figure. Say, did you know that my cat likes to drink lemonade? So Smog flies off back to Blight after setting fire to some houses, and it seems that the dragon will keep coming until the town and mayor give into her huge ransom demands. They have no other choice! The drama! The scene follows Smog back to Blight's craggy hideout, a castle in the mountains surrounded by butt-loads of fog. Blight starts congratulating herself about Smog and is predictably interrupted by MAL saying that he had his part in it, too. Seems Smog is kept in a (huge) cell not unlike one you'd find in a prison, and Blight talks with MAL about how Smog is spreading their new super-smog. "One more trip and that town will be unlivable!" she says. Heaven forbid she use a word that sounds a bit more sophisticated, like "uninhabitable." I had never even seen "unlivable" before this issue and therefore doubted its existence as a real word, but I see now, upon typing this summary up in Microsoft Word, that it indeed is real. Blight makes a bad pun about the mayor having to "cough up" the money and is picked upon by an annoyed-looking MAL. Meanwhile yours truly is tortured by yet another commercial about kids' songs, this time about Biblical stuff. Not that I mind Biblical stuff; I love it. It's just that kids' songs are annoying as snot. And speaking of commercials, here's our first advertisement break! Hockey cards! "Bobby Orr and Eric Lindros join Score's winning team" [sic, there's no period there]. It's some sort of special offer, but I'm not entirely sure what the offer is. You just send $6.00 check or money order payable to major League Marketing (U.S. funds only) and get some set of 40 cards of young players. I don't see what's so big about that. Haha, Connecticut residents must add 8% sales tax, but I guess they couldn't have figured that amount out for the poor kids who want to buy these sets. The kids have to do that themselves and find out 6-8 weeks later that they were short one cent because they miscalculated and sent $6.47 instead of $6.48 and no refunds are allowed. Actually, I'm just making that last part up. The ad doesn't mention refunds at all. So they're probably not. Hey, we're back on Hope Island, and we get to see how everyone likes to spend their recreational time when the hacks force them to be outside! Kwame and Ma-Ti are both flying kites, and Gi and Linka are jogging. Wheeler is sitting against a tree doing nothing, but he's also the only one who isn't colored orange. The Crystal Chamber is still purple. Linka asks him how he can sit there and be lazy, but Wheeler says that she can't get him "to do any of that exercise stuff." Linka replies by saying that she wouldn't expect him to join, as he could not beat the girls, causing Wheeler to rise to the challenge, literally, start running... and promptly trip over a root. Everyone takes the opportunity to laugh at the American, but then Gaia, in all her pinkness, suddenly appears with an urgent mission! "Over 25 million lives will be saved," says the ad for the Game Genie (no relation to Game Shark), for the NES. Say... I wonder if I could get one of those, as I still have an NES... Soon everyone is in the Crystal Chamber, and Gaia shows the devastation of the "tiny European village," saying that Dr. Blight created a dragon, yadda yadda. Wheeler says he hasn't seen so much smog since he was last in Brooklyn. I've been to Brooklyn several times, and I've never seen as much smog as is in that picture. And there's certainly more in Manhattan, and I can recall distinctly the first time we went to New York to see Cats on May 3, 2000. There was an intersection nearby where there was all this smog hovering over it in the sunlight. Quite disconcerting. But enough about that. Gaia explains to the ignorant American that it's a super-smog that can't escape into the atmosphere because of the mountains. Like they'd *want* it to escape into the atmosphere? The Planeteers get into the Geo-Cruiser and fly quite haphazardly through the mountains. Some random person, we're not told who, says to Linka that she seems homesick, and she says the mountains remind her of the ranges in the Soviet Union. Sure, whatever. She must travel a lot, cause there ain't any near Moscow. Now appears the panel that I've had on my home page for the longest time. But anyway, Gi pilots the GC over the town, and Kwame gets on the loudspeaker and announces their presence, automatically assuming everyone can speak English. Gi gets a very worried look on her face, and, when asked about it, announces that she can't see where she's flying. Then, instead of doing the intelligent thing and hovering in midair, Gi decides to do a nosedive, literally. Fortunately, someone on the team has some common sense, and Linka uses her ring to blow the smog away so that they can see. Wheeler tells her she's "a real breath of fresh air!" "Shut up, Wheeler," she says back. Wheeler, once they exit, moans again about how it was bad in Brooklyn (it is not so bad as he's making it seem!), and everyone's coughing a lot and saying how Blight did it. Thanks for that info, Kwame. It's not like we already saw Blight and MAL talking and Gaia telling you that exact same information. They talk amongst themselves some more about how evil Blight is, then Linka once again does something intelligent and informs the others what she knows about air pollution, smog in particular. This is more for the benefit of the readers, I imagine, as she's looking right out at us. Seems ozone causes smog, which is very hard to get rid of. Ad time! "BOO!" Trading Card Treats! Special cards designed especially for Halloween that are sold wherever Halloween candy is. I'm sure that makes sense somehow. So if a candy store doesn't stock them because all it sells is candy, are the Halloween police going to come and arrest the manager or something? Will a kid, unable to find the cards he so desperately wants because he saw them in a Captain Planet comic (hahahahahahahahaha, like he'd even be reading them unless he wanted to get beaten up!), get his parents to sue Marvel and the store because the ad lied? Bullpen Bulletin! Time for the September COOLometer: Stuff that's cool: Julia Roberts, The Adventure of Captain America, the FOX network, DINKS (Double Income No KidS), child stars in prison, Paula Abdul, bananas. Stuff that's in the middle: diplomatic immunity, motorcycles, Tiny Toon Adventures, marrying millionaires, 70's rock groups, total lunar eclipses, Marvel Fanfare, country/western music Stuff that sucks: Rick Dees, lip synching, goatees, tube socks, flea markets, Kiefer Sutherland, bowling, the metric system. Ah, the COOLometer. Proving once again that Americans hate the rest of the world and their damn sensible ways of measurement. The Planeteers, after smiling and nodding at Linka until she shuts up, run to whom is presumed to be the mayor. He is. Ma-Ti tells the readers that their rings will translate the villagers' language, but he says nothing about how the villagers can understand the Planeteers. Oh well. The mayor says how the "land is no longer fit for man nor beast." How dramatic and Old World-ish. While standing in front of an obviously American tourist who got lost looking for the Oktoberfest, Kwame says that Gaia, the Spirit of the earth, sent them to help. The mayor decides not to comment on the Wicca-ness of all this and simply explains how they've been under attack for a few weeks because they won't give into Blight's demand to pay up one million drableks. Any idea what a drablek is or how the writers came up with it? Anyway, the mayor has his midlife crisis of despair right in front of the Planeteers, and Ma-Ti gets this determined look on his face, even using American slang. "What can you do? You're just a bunch of kids! Er, no offense," says the mayor, but Linka replies intelligently that one shouldn't underestimate others because of their age and proves it by using her ring to blow a few bits of paper around. "Holy hootenanny!" exclaims the mayor, making one wonder whether we are really in Europe or perhaps in some American town in the south somewhere. Upon seeing the she-devil's, er, I mean Linka's, powers, the mayor begs her to carry the smog away, and at this comment she looks very surprised. She's even got surprise lines coming out of the right side of her face. Being asked to help on a mission to save poor, destitute townspeople? Who woulda thunk it? But anyway, before attempting this whole shindig, which seems to be a real word, surprisingly, that means party or something, Linka warns that she's never done anything so huge before. Boy, did that sentence sound wrong. I guess she warned them so that she wouldn't get beat up or anything if she fails. In the next panel "Linka creates a gust of wind which begins to carry the smog up into the sky... ... at the same time raising the hopes of the cheering villagers." As Linka is lifting the smog (and a whole lot of dirt, apparently), Wheeler cheers her on as well, saying, "Come on, Rooskie-Tootskie! You can do it!" The smog tornado climbs higher... higher... HIGHER!!! But, as Linka is pushing herself "as never before" and "taxing her powers to their limit," the super-heavy smog "proves too much" for her, and she collapses to the ground under the onslaught of all these quotation marks. Wheeler seems extra worried, crying out, "LINKA!" Yet even though Wheeler is in front, it is Kwame who is holding Linka up off the ground in the next panel and who looks stoned in the one after while saying, "Don't try to speak. Save your strength. You tried your best, and that's all we can ask of anyone." Yeah right. He's probably really thinking, "Dammit, you stupid Commie! Can't you do any better than that? The other guys and I had a football game to watch today! We could have made it back to the island on time if you had just been able to get rid of this stupid smog. I hope that someday you lose a family member to drugs!" While two random men that we hope are from the village and aren't just two random tourists who also got lost and are looking for a good time from a semi-lucid, attractive blonde and figured this would be faster than getting one drunk lead Linka away, the mayor says that Dr. Gustav will take care of Linka, and Wheeler and Ma-Ti get all mad. Gi looks at Wheeler out of the corner of her eye like he's going to explode or something and spray everyone with concentrated Americanism, and Kwame, while clenching a fist, looks more bored than anything else. Wheeler then calms down immensely and asks the mayor if he knows where the dragon hides. The mayor doesn't know, and he still doubts the kids as though they were 4-year-olds with a plan to kill the dragon by throwing mud "cannon balls" at it or something. Gi, with eerily pink eyes, says that he shouldn't worry because of their secret weapon. At this the mayor says that he'll reject Blight's demands. Talk about wishy-washy! I mean, for all this guy knows the secret weapon might really be to throw mud at Smog. On the next page the reader finds that Blight's castle must be somewhere in or around Germany, hence the "Verboten" sign at the foot of the mountain. Blight becomes mad at the mayor for rejecting the demands as she watches him and the Planeteers on her own little Planet Vision device, so she goes to send out Smog to harass them some more. When Smog licks her in a friendly manner, Blight gets mad and hits him on the nose with her riding crop, which I doubt the dragon really even felt. Meanwhile, back at Dr. Gustav's house, the four healthy Planeteers are checking up on Linka, who says that the doctor said she just needed to rest for a little while. Wheeler, being as awkward as ever, says that once she's better he'll challenge her to another footrace. I don't know about her, but I think I'd rather stay sick. Also in this panel the reader sees the only mainstream religious artifact in the entire TV or comic series: a plain Latin cross right above the bed (and also right above Wheeler's head because of the perspective. Kristine, take from that what you will ;-) Ah, I'm just kidding ya). Gi, apparently bored talking to Linka, looks out the window and notices the dragon coming back, which interrupts her making fun of Wheeler for his footrace comment. Linka asks Wheeler to help her up to go and fight, but he tells her to stay because she's too weak. Cue the "Awwwwww...." soundtrack. Any Awww-ness is immediately destroyed, however, as Wheeler says, and I quote, "Don't worry, kiddo. We'll polish off Smog, and be back before you can say 'dads-fat-on-ya'!" She replies, "Wheeler, I believe the term you're looking for is... 'dosvadonya.'" Linka, I believe the term you're looking for is "Do svidaniya." As they're heading out, Ma-Ti tells her to get well and that she'll be with them in spirit. Well, for one she's not dead. Not yet, anyway. And two, what if she doesn't want to be with them in spirit, huh? Three, either you're with someone or you're not. There's no "in spirit" crap. Okay, moving along. Smog is once again burning stuff, but he is hit by a blast of fire, something he never expected to be used on him! Oh, wait, ad. Just that 1-900 number to make dirty calls to the X-Men again. Wheeler is getting really mad now at Smog because of what he did to Linka. Well, it's not like Smog even did anything. He probably doesn't even know who Linka is! She brought it on herself. Because of his angry impulsiveness, Wheeler soon finds himself trapped in a ring of fire and has to be saved by Gi. Good one, Wheeler! You'd better hope she doesn't have to rely on you to save her in the future, because you'll die long before you'll even get to her! Gi continues to extinguish flames here and there with water directly from her ring. Just remember this, kids: matter can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change form. So where is all this water coming from? Kwame shoots a pillar of rock up at Smog with his left hand and smacks the dragon in the chin. Unfortunately, Smog's tail whacks part of the column off, and Kwame is hit in the head by a falling rock. Ma-Ti announces it's time to call Captain Planet and calls to Linka, asking if she's ready. Linka pops her head out the window (lucky for them she was suddenly well enough to get up, unlike just a few minutes ago), and they call Cap. Yay. Cap appears, looking like a typical superhero with the super-huge body and a small head, dern hacks, and proceeds to shoot lightning at Smog. Oh, another ad. This time it's more T-shirts, but they've got Wolverine, Spidey/Venom, Darkhawk, and a bunch of X-Men on them. The lightning does nothing to stop Smog, who proceeds to breathe at some girl stuck in a very wide alley. Figuring that the girl doesn't know how to hold her breath or breathe through her shirt to filter the air or anything, Cap does the hero thing and flies down to save her from the smog, which he apparently accomplishes by standing in front of her and pronouncing, "Whew! I saved her!" Too bad Cap's so susceptible to pollution, because, as the girl watches in horror, he coughs in the manner most befitting this issue ("Kaff kaff!) and falls. Back in Linka's room we find that she has grown suddenly weary, quite different from her chipper self a few pages ago, and a mysterious stranger enters the room. It's Al Gore! If you don't get that joke, then I pity you. It's a shame neither Chesney nor I saved that RP. Anyway, we don't really find out who the guy is (but think about it, who's the only Eco-Villain in the series to ever really disguise himself in anyway, and taking over bodies doesn't count), but he takes the opportunity to place a "tiny" device in her ear. Yeah, right. That thing is large enough to be a nose plug for a hydrophobic cow. There's no way in heck she wouldn't notice that, but we'll go with it. Meanwhile, the four able-bodied Planeteers reach and help Cap with a random garden hose, and Cap remarks that he won't have to take a bath this week. This week?! No wonder Gaia makes him stay in the Crystal Matrix when there aren't any problems! This time when Cap flies at Smog, he turns into water, and there is a huge explosion! Apparently Smog was also shooting sodium metal. The flash is so bright that the Planeteers are force to shut their eyes, and Ma-Ti, looking like a small version of Gi, turns his face away like he's crying. Hey, speaking of dragons, time for DUNGEON! Some board game that looks like it's related to Dungeons and Dragons, though you shouldn't quote me on that. Maybe it's just a copy. In either case there's a big, red dragon that looks like he's about to hurl on the board while three white, male teenagers smile at each other almost painfully and hold dice and stuff. TSR, Inc. Ever the astute individuals, the Planeteers notice that Captain Planet is gone, and Wheeler says, "I think that dragon *iced* him!" Iced, evaporated, same thing, right? The four are all sad and whatnot, and Gi cries some. Wheeler gets all mad again at Smog for hurting first Linka and now Captain Planet. Maybe he had a crush on Cap as well? Maybe I'm going too far with that statement. Smog flies back to Blight, who is happy as can be now that Cap is gone for good. MAL says the village isn't destroyed, but, like usual, Blight pretty much tells him to shut up. You'd think she'd learn one of these days that he's smarter than she is, especially since he, while she's off partying in her own little world, notices a small cloud following Smog, a cloud that changes into Captain Planet. When Blight closes the door, Smog bursts in anyway and backs her into the cell, herding her with fire. Blight comes to the realization that maybe it wasn't a good idea to destroy most of his mind when she created him, but before she can escape, Cap closes the cell door. Predictably, though, Smog just starts licking Blight again, and Blight makes the usual you-haven't-seen-the-last-of-me threat. "Soon," or so the comic says, Captain Planet is back in the village and is doing what Linka, little Commie that she is, couldn't do: use contractions in his speech. No, really, he lifts the smog away. And Linka is miraculously all better once more. Cap flies down and says that the smog was so thick it could only hold together below the mountains. Yeah, like that makes any sense. Some guy washing his Volkswagen Beetle, his pink Volkswagen Beetle (what a loser town. No wonder they don't have many cars if all they can get is pink), thanks Captain Planet, who then disappears, and the Planeteers are once again left to help with the cleanup. Wheeler once again portrays the typical lazy American in saying, "I wish *I* had the power to disappear whenever there's work to do, just like Cap does!" But wait, he has a point. Why does Captain Planet never help out? He's great at cleaning stuff up, as is shown later in the series, so why is he so lazy? Well, that is another mystery for another day. Planeteer Alert! Awww... Wheeler and Linka are walking along in some town in America (they're driving on the right, and it just looks like America, okay? Deal with it) talking about air pollution from cars, lawnmowers, and whatnot. Ride a bike, kids! The end. Holiday Savings ad! No, no Captain Planet. Sorry. |