| If You Can't Nuke `Em... Join `Em |
| Welcome to yet another comic summary! Aren't you excited? I know I am! Let's take a look at the cover first, shall we? Allow me to describe it for you. We've got Duke Nukem front and center bursting out of the street, but he's about 50 times his normal size or something. He's holding Linka in his right hand, and she's "brilliantly" stating that she can't use her wind power. Well, no duh, since Captain Planet is flying right in front of her. Off to the right are Gi and Ma-Ti, looking rather scared, and Kwame is tied up in the bottom right corner, saying, "It will take more than ropes to keep Kwame out of action!" Before I forget, let me just say this: THERE ARE NO ROPES ANYWHERE IN THIS ISSUE!!! AT ALL!!! And finally, Wheeler is down on the left stating that the other five can't do it alone and need him to help. Haha, yeah, right, like he could help any more than the other wussy Planeteers. Did you know that Microsoft Word doesn't recognize "wussy" or "woosy" and has no sufficient spelling suggestions for them? Thanks a lot, Word, now I have to just guess how to spell it. Turning the page, the reader is greeted by a full-paged picture of the Planeteers running and calling out their powers. Out of order. Well, let's continue on to something relevant. The Planeteers are in Brooklyn, working on fixing up broken-down, abandoned buildings, and they plan on using their powers to help. Gi, Wheeler, and Linka manage to use their powers, but for the life of me I can't think of a single thing Kwame or Ma-Ti could do, except maybe "convince" some passersby to do the work for them or something. Wheeler uses his power to fuse a water pipe together while Gi uses her power to break open a fire hydrant and clean off the sidewalk, apparently. Maybe it was summer and she was hot or something, because that really didn't do much except lower the water pressure for when some apartment is on fire and needs to be extinguished before it spreads to the others, but where's the water pressure? Oh, no! The fire's spread to the entire block and hundreds of people are dying! Oh, no! The wind is carrying it to other blocks! Oh, no! Now all of Brooklyn's on fire! Who could have done such a terrible thing as kill the water pressure? How does that feel, Gi? Huh? You feel guilty about any of this? IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU LITTLE WATER-WASTING WENCH!!!!! So while Gi's plotting the deaths of millions, Linka is picking up trash and whatnot with her power while stating, "You would not find buildings in this condition in Russia!" Pardon me while I go into the corner and snicker loudly for a moment at such a ridiculous statement. Gi, either too intent on her murderous task or too polite to comment, says nothing in reply. Meanwhile, Kwame and Ma-Ti are picking up purple trash bags. Kwame aims to plant new trees and grass, but I don't know where the heck they'll be able to do that. Ma-Ti, who looks very much like some random person and not the Ma-Ti we all love and make fun of, seems to think the buildings will then be turned into low-rent housing. Not in today's world. Some landlord'll probably buy all those apartments and then charge people some exorbitant amount of money even though they're really crap. But enough about that. "At a nearby nuclear research facility..." there are about four scientists working outside some sort of gassy chamber that looks more like Greedly ate a dozen burritos and then got locked inside there than some nuclear thing. As far as I know, radiation isn't in the form of a gas. It's more of things like gamma rays and junk. Well, in any case, a mysterious man steps into the room (Al Gore!) and says that he's there for the inspection, specifically to inspect the radiation chamber, which shall henceforth be known as the Chamber of Farts. A scientist warns "Gore" not to enter the Chamber of Farts, but "Gore," being the stubborn individual that he is, does so anyway. No sooner has he entered the CoF than he begins to grow and change before revealing himself to be none other than... Al Gore! No, really, it's Duke Nukem come to juice up on the research facility's new, experimental nuclear energy. (Apparently nuclear energy works best if you add methane.) Pronouncing himself "stronger than ever," Nukem plans on getting revenge on the Planeteers and Captain Planet, who are in the city for "Clean Up New York Day." Ha, they'd need about three years. At this point Rob, the editor, feels compelled to tell the readers that they haven't missed an issue and that the statement of revenge was referencing previous episodes of the TV show. Of course, it's not like anyone who didn't already watch Captain Planet would pick up and read this anyway, so there was really no point in wasting the panel space. And we're back in Brooklyn again. But what's this? A gang spray-painting?! On "Clean Up New York Day"? Heaven forbid! Ma-Ti's the first to spot them, but it's Linka who tells them to stop. A very mannish-looking Linka that really looks more like some cross-dresser or something. Did you know that "linka" in Hungarian really means "mannish"? Interesting, huh? Wheeler then informs the group that the three, who are wearing blue jumpsuits with red dragons on the back of the jackets, are Specs, Tubby, and Dave. He then proceeds to tell them to stop, but Dave, I guess it is, tells Wheeler that it's not their style because they're in a gang now. He invites Wheeler to join and says that he can even bring "the blonde chick." Heh, bet I know what Dave's thinking about. Wheeler protests, saying he's already in a group that runs around saving the environment, and Dave rightly makes fun of him and says it's not cool to turn against friends. The three then walk off, presumably to vandalize some other building or something. Suddenly, a small figure swings, literally, into the scene, followed closely by six adults out to get him. "It's Bartmania for your NES and Game Boy!" After Bart Simpson and his ad leave after Wheeler's friends, "Mannish" tells Wheeler he did the right thing because they're just a bunch of trouble makers, but Wheeler, looking for a panel like a red-headed Prince Valiant, yells back at her that he decides who his friends are. Interestingly enough, he still calls her babe. Ah, heck, here's the dialogue: "You did the right thing, Wheeler. Your old friends are troublemakers. You do not belong with them." "Who are you to judge my friends? *I* decide who I belong with, *babe*!" What's up with that? Wheeler even gets so pissed that he walks off after proclaiming he's quitting the Planeteers. Now, there have been some ridiculous plots in the episodes where Planeteers nearly quit, but I think this one takes the cake. Kwame, noticing that Gi has dared to breathe in Wheeler's direction, tells her no even though she hasn't done anything. We find in the next frame that Kwame was referring to her imagined action of trying to stop Wheeler when he says that the pyro needs to work things out on his own. He recommends the Planeteers get back to work on the building so that it will take their minds off Wheeler for the time being. Seems to me that'd be the perfect time to think about Wheeler more, especially if the work doesn't require much mental activity to complete, like fixing up old buildings. It leaves the mind nice and free to think about whatever. "Get A Grip!" shouts the next page as Wheeler leaves, and, even though it's really advertising these little handheld game things, it certainly is portraying the right message to our wayward Planeteer, if only he could hear it. But he can't hear it, lousy, low-budget Wal-Mart, and Wheeler walks off to meet the gang, even though they hadn't told him where they would be. Maybe he's got ESP or something. They welcome him back in, and the first thing he says is, "Want to go to the arcade?" And you thought it was bad when he hadn't known what a rave was. His friends laugh at him, and Dave explains they "go for different kinds of entertainment now" because they're in a "gang." Say, this gang kind of reminds me of Larry's gang that must have had about two members, tops, for Kwame and Celso to be able to fight them off. But that's a different story. The gang's idea of fun is being nasty to ladies, painting graffiti, and fighting with some rival gang called the Demons. This is different from their previous activity of sticking around for autographs (inside joke). Wheeler gets this kind of worried look on his face, probably unsure of joining up. Well, it's either that or he's thinking about being "nasty" to "Mannish" and needs badly to "relieve" himself. In all seriousness (haha!) he's noticing how much his friends have changed. Oblivious to the mental and primal problems going on in Wheeler's mind and loins, respectively, the Planeteers are currently in the process of painting a renovated building. Kwame and Manny are painting the windows and their frames white while Ma-Ti and Gi are painting the perfectly good brick walls a shade of light, light yellow. Well, maybe it *is* an improvement, since the brick is pure orange. "Suddenly" the ground begins to shake, and Ma-Ti immediately accuses Kwame, who denies all involvement. Manny intelligently announces that it feels like an earthquake, but Gi retorts that that's almost impossible in New York. I beg to differ! Recent findings indicated that New York City is planted smack dab on top of a fault, so it's not so impossible as everyone previously thought. But anyway, something begins to emerge from the ground, and Gi automatically assumes it's not friendly. You know, it's people like her who will cause some interplanetary war when normally peace-loving aliens come to our planet and are attacked as soon as the hatch on their ship opens. Heck, the aliens would probably just be asking for directions to Betelgeuse so that they can get to Fun World with their two kids when they're out of school and then some humans will just blow them away, leaving two orphans crying inside the ship until the FBI or some organization comes to cut them to pieces while they're still alive. Humans suck. Al Gore quickly reveals himself to be none other than a 50-foot Duke Nukem who apparently has walked around the New York sewers for a while until he was right under the Planeteers. There are a few problems with this. For one, no sewer in the world is that big, not even the ones in a city with over 8 million inhabitants. Second, how did he know where the Planeteers were? Did he ask the rats or something? Well, Nukem immediately starts blasting nuclear farts out of his hands as he tries to grab the Planeteers. Gi retaliates by splashing him with water, which doesn't really do anything and only destroys another fire hydrant (and lowers the pressure). Manny blows at him some while Kwame tells Ma-Ti to contact Wheeler so that they can summon Captain Planet. It's frames like this next one that make me want to shoot the hacks doing this. Ma-Ti, in a gloriously pink frame where his head is much too large for his hand right next to it as he looks up dramatically to the upper right corner, attempts to call Wheeler but is hindered by a large, red dragon about to barf on a board game called "DUNGEON." This aids in Wheeler resisting Ma-Ti and shunting the Kayapo out of his head. To him, spray-painting in one color only (green) is more important than potentially doing nasty things to mannish ladies. Wheeler's repulsing of Ma-Ti is so strong that the shrimp is actually hurled backwards and hits an unpainted portion of a building. That's a shame, really. It would have been humorous if he'd gotten a load of white and light yellow on his back. I really am easily amused. Wheeler, probably deciding that doing the nasty with Manny is at least a little bit tempting, announces to the group that he's going to go be a lookout because "every great gang's gotta have a lookout." Last time I checked, every great gang's gotta have more than four members, too. Back with the main group again, Kwame is helping Ma-Ti up from the mental assault, then they all try to use their powers against Nukem at the same time. Even Ma-Ti tries, though I don't know exactly what that was supposed to do. Make the background pink, I guess. None of these have an effect upon Nukem at all, and he sends a hand fart at them with a loud "ZA-CHOW!" while worried onlookers point like they think that everyone else around them is practically blind or has severe ADHD. Realizing that nothing they do can stop the huge Nukem -- who I just noticed isn't wearing his usual Hawaiian attire and in instead wearing some sort of gray spandex that, thankfully, grew with him -- Ma-Ti contacts Gaia. Gaia appears to Wheeler with yet more pink and tells him that his friends need help. This is occurring just as Dave is saying that Wheeler needs a cool nickname, like "Dave," "Tubby," and "Specs" have. I know it's just his last name and all, but "Wheeler" is automatically cooler than something like "Specs." Apparently, Wheeler is the only one who can see Gaia, so either he's tripping on the LSD that the gang slipped him, or Gaia's really in his head and made visible so that readers know that he really isn't high. Despite Gaia's pleas, Wheeler still says that he's going to stay with his "friends," even though the pink spirit says that the Planeteers might not be around much longer. I don't know what that sounds like in Wheeler's mind, but it still isn't bad enough to leave the gang. Who wrote this piece of crap? As Gaia and Wheeler argue, Nukem has picked up Manny and is climbing up a somewhat short building with her, reminiscent of King Kong or whatever gorilla thing it was that did that kind of thing on the Empire State Building. Manny calls Nukem a Capitalist swine like that's supposed to hurt or something, and Kwame tries to save her by hitting Nukem in the head with a pillar of rock. This has the predictable effect of causing Nukem to drop the Commie who "concentrates [her] powers as never before" to keep from becoming a bloody pancake on the ground. Kwame, shocked that his plan to off her didn't pan out as he's hoped, notes with surprise that she can fly. Looking at it from the reader's perspective, it seems more like she just slowed herself down, which she can do in the series anyway. It's not like she took off and flew around or anything. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Mannish declares that she needs to work on her landings, as this one apparently wasn't too good. Bear in mind that she hasn't even landed yet when she declares this. Angered by the lack of bloodshed, Nukem punches a random building, causing bystanders to flee helplessly and moan because he's wrecking buildings they just fixed up. Look, people, at least he didn't destroy any important buildings, just some run down ones that no one was living in. COUNT YOUR FRIGGIN' BLESSINGS ALREADY!!! The people run until they are passing the Dragons and Wheeler. If they're that close, then how come none of the teenaged boys noticed the fifty-foot being or heard the destruction or anything? Well, anywho, Wheeler stops a man and asks what's wrong. When the guy explains, Wheeler runs off to go help. Go figure. Even though Ma-Ti and Gaia both contacted him, Wheeler had no intention of saving his friends' lives. This random person comes along then, and all of a sudden Wheeler gets all hero-y. The heck? So Nukem corners the four Planeteers, but before he can attack, he's blasted from the right by a butt-load of fire, and the full team of Planeteers uses this diversion to call Captain Planet, this time in the right order. Next we've got an ad, and I'd like to take this opportunity to say LOAD, YOU STUPID PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME ANIMATION, LOAD!!!! Well, looks like Fleer trading cards are back, and this time they've got a whole new arsenal of onomatopoeias. "Slam!" "Jam!" "Wham!" Exciting, nyet? Captain Planet appears, shinier than ever, and declares who he is without actually using any logos! He does the usual good guy thing and gives Nukem the chance to surrender, but Nukem's not interested. Since Nukem "poses a threat to all the people in this neighborhood," including Mr. Rogers, Cap immediately shoots at the mutant's face with (greased) lightning. Great, now that song is gonna be stuck in my head the whole time I'm looking at this ad for the Dungeons & Dragons board game. It turns out that Cap is actually attacking with a miniature hurricane, but it doesn't really do any good. While the two powerful beings are fighting, the Planeteers, sans Gi, are meanwhile helping some people get out of a building that debris has fallen in front of. I guess people in New York don't know how to climb through windows. I guess that also means that all the criminals come from New Jersey. Wouldn't surprise me. The Dragons, too apathetic to do anything to help, make fun of Wheeler as they watch, but Dave can't help but notice how Wheeler's changed. The scene then cuts back to the fight, where Duke is shooting nuclear farts at Captain Planet, who keeps dodging... until he's hit, that is. We don't immediately see what happens to him, because the Planeteers are still struggling futilely at the giant rock or whatever. Dave offers the help of him and his gang, and together they manage to free the guy, who promptly gives Wheeler a high-five for whatever insane reason. Wheeler and the gang congratulate each other for moving the frickin' cement, but Kwame and Gi hear something inside still and see Al Gore lying on the floor, enticing them to come closer with his supple and sexy thought balloon. They reach the VP, but before they can help he jumps up and implants large hearing aids in their ears! It's not Al Gore at all! He would never do such a thing! (Or at least I don't *think* he would, but I don't personally know the guy.) It's really some rat guy that we wouldn't know about at all if we didn't watch the show. The hearing aids immediately turn the two Planeteers into mind slaves who do as they're commanded. In this case, that means denying there was ever a man in there. "It must have been a rat we heard," says Gi. Haha, what a riot! Say, couldn't these things cause some real problems during day-to-day activities? I mean, we've now got four of the Planeteers conditioned to take whatever orders are given them. Wheeler's the only one not under this rat guy's influence. Hey... wait... that would make doing nasty things with Manny all the easier, heh heh heh. Bullpen Bulletin! Here's the November COOLometer: Stuff that's cool: The Addams Family, Boris Yeltsin, Scorsese/DeNiro movies, the Fantastic Four, Comedy Central, Peter Bagge's "Hate," environmental impact statements, Mikhail Gorbachev (actually spelled Gorbachyov, but I bet you don't care), "Captain America: La Pelicula," image seminars. Stuff that's in the middle: the discontinuation of foam packaging by McDonalds, Spider-Man balloon in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, the letter "L," taxation without representation, Amanda Pays, awards shows. Stuff that sucks: semipermeable membranes, Nutrasweet, ABC sitcoms: especially "Who's the Boss," the October COOLometer, self-referentialism, nuisance suits, Macauley Culkin, Communism, the New York subway system. Well, that was an interesting COOLometer, wasn't it? Back to the show! Apparently unaffected by the blast that previously hit him, Captain Planet is as upbeat as ever as he continues to dodge gamma toots from Nukem's hands. LOAD, YOU STUPID FLASH!!! For whatever pseudo-scientific reason the blasts dissipate in midair with no ill effects on the environment. I don't know of any radiation that simply disperses like that. Well, at any rate, Cap manages to get Nukem so riled up that the baddie gathers all his power to create one gigantic super-fart that sprays out various T-shirts with various Marvel characters. Captain Planet manages to avoid all the shirts and gas, and suddenly Duke shrinks to a size of about 6 inches. Okay, no comment from the peanut gallery over there. Captain Planet picks up the tiny Eco-Villain and places him in a glass jar that seems to have held gefilte fish. Having tried that stuff before at a Seder that was held at our old church (it doubled as a Jewish temple on Saturdays so they had one big shindig, a word that I will use more often now that I know it's real), I pity Nukem. The danger now over, the comic wraps itself up. The building has been finished in those ugly colors (even the door is light yellow!), and it seems that the gang has been helping the Planeteers over the past two days. The Dragons have been so motivated and inspired by the Planeteers that they're changing their name to the Planeteer Auxiliary. Say, time for a short lesson in language. The English word "auxiliary" comes from the Latin word "AUXILIA" (boy, do I hope I'm spelling that right!). For example, one calling for help would yell, "FERTEAUXILIAM". Oh, lesson two: Latin has no spaces and is all in capital letters. Lesson three: FERTE is the imperative form of "to bring." Oh, pardon me a minute here while I watch this Flash animation. That was fun. The weird thing was that it loaded pretty fast (for this modem) on this other site but wouldn't load on ebaumsworld.com. Uh, I think I'm distracting from the point of this whole thing. So the Dragons have learned that saving the earth is "cool," and everything's all hunky-dory. There's a brief blurb at the bottom of the page that says, "Fun! Games! Death traps! Environmental disasters! Cap and the Planeteers make their 'Last Stand In Pollutionland!' in 30 eco-days!" What's an eco-day? Planeteer Alert! Actually, I guess this isn't technically a Planeteer Alert, as it's not mentioned anywhere, but you know it is. Gi and Dave are in some school cafeteria, for whatever reason, and Dave's eating tuna. Automatically, Gi's got some vendetta against this guy for killing fish, I'll bet, but she just calmly asks him if it's dolphin-safe, but he's all confused, so Gi explains. Then Dave has the gall to think of throwing away his paper lunch bag, so Gi demands he recycle it. She then demands he reuse it. Kind of hard to do both at once, and what if Dave got mayo on it or something? Then, get this, Dave is using a styrofoam cup for his drink! The horror! Hey, styrofoam's not in Word. Weird. Oh, apparently it's supposed to be capitalized. That's not biodegradable, says Gi. Assaulted every which way by eco-babble, Dave finally says, "Gosh, Gi -- eating lunch with you gives me a lot of food for thought!" Har-dee-har-har. One thing to note, Dave hasn't used a single contraction during this entire Planeteer Alert, despite him having used them throughout the entire issue. Gasp! I bet he's Manny in disguise! Or, wait... maybe that's her *true form*!!!! That would explain a lot in this issue. Catch ya later! |