Jokes

Heaven is when you have:

American salary, Chinese food, British home and Indian wife.

Hell is when you have:

American wife, Chinese home, British food and Indian salary.

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There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of the passengers survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect man! Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus, and there is no such thing as a perfect woman.

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You must have all heard of ABCDs, ABCDEFs and ABCDEFGs, but have you heard an expansion covering the complete alphabet?

Ok, here's the lighter side: An ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ is

American Born Confused Desi, Emigrated From Gujarat Housed In Jersey Keeping Lotsa Motels Named Omkarnath Patel Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways, Xenophobic Yet Zestful !!

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In a square room, in 4 corners, Superman, Spiderman, Sardarji, intelligent-Sarjdarji are standing, in the middle of the room one cake is there. now my question is who will take the cake first?

Sardarji ! because Spiderman, Superman doesn’t exist, in the same way intelligent Sardarji doesn’t exist.

This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" (What happened Sardarji? Why do you afraid of it, it is just a movie) Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata" (I am a human being and have intelligence, know that this is a movie but that is an animal it don't know that this is a movie")

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"

Surjit Singh saw that his friend Baljit Singh was very depressed. "What happened ?" asked Surjit.

"Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday." "How come ?" "Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown live on TV. I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet." " But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?" " Yaar, I bet on the highlights (replay of the match) too "

Do u know What Sardarji will do after taking Xerox ?

He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!

What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning?

A visitor.

SURD #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"

SURD #2: "No, who wrote it?"

What about the surd wife who gave birth to twins?

Her husband is out looking for the other man.

SURD: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" MAN: "It's 3:15."

SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? -

Because below 18 was not allowed !!!

How do you keep a surd busy?

Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

How do you keep a surd busy all day?

Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?

Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday?

Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?

Because it said 'concentrate'.

Why do surds work seven days a week?

So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses?

Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

How do you confuse a surd?

You don't. They're born that way.

How do you keep a surd in suspense?

(I'll tell you tomorrow with more details.)

Why can't surds make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.

What's the difference between a surd and a computer?

You only have to key-in information into a computer once.

What does a surd say when you ask his if his car blinker is on?

It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.

What do you call a surd with half a brain?

Gifted!

What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case?

Branch Manager.

What do you see when you look into a surd's eyes?

The back of his head.

What do you do when a surd throws a hand grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

A surd's response to the comment, "THINK about it!"

"I don't have to think -- I'm surd!"

A surd was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On his way home the same surd drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Competition involving three gruelling tests.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1. Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go

2. Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3. And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many people bravely tried their hands (or should I say mouths) at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could reach the third stage. And then, one fine day, a nonchalant Sardar walked into the contest.

Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, "Yeah cleared first! Where is the lion". When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it. Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the Sardar and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed. As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the Sardar. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out - victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle. And then he asked, "Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?

Once in an air plane One muslim, One hindu, One sardar and One american were travelling. Suddenly plane engine goes bad. So everybody is advised to jump. But they find out that there are no parachutes on the plane. Sardar being a little bold thought any way before dying why not try something, he removed his turban and holds it as parachut and jumps luckily his idea works well and floats in air. Seeing this hindu pandit also opens his dhoti and does the same, he also starts floating. Now Muslim also removes his kurta and does the same and he too starts floating.

Now comes American's turn. Poor chap is wearing a torn Bermudas and a tattered baniyan type T-shirt. Anyway he also removes everything ties everything up and jumps. Now he starts falling very quickly. On the way to the ground he passes the Muslim, Who says Allah will save you, then he passes Pandit. Pandit says Krishna will saves you. Now when he quickly passes Sardar, Sardar says "Good are you racing me!" and he leaves the turban.

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Subject: Akbar

One day Akbar, his wife and Birbal go into the forest garden for an evening stroll. Akbar keeps praising Birbal for his wittiness and keeps telling his wife all about Birbal. He tells her "Sometimes It is very difficult to understand why Birbal does some wierd things, but they turn out to be some ingeniously planned actions for our own good. He saved me and the royal family many a time from tight situations with his wit and brilliance."

After some time... Akbar and his wife sit under a tree for some rest. Akbar orders Birbal to keep a watch on the movements around and warn him if he sees any danger. Birbal says it would be easy for him to do that if he climbed high on the tree under which Akbar was sitting. Birbal climbs up the tree and starts watching. After some time, Birbal says "Sir don't embarass me like this, don't forget I am up here watching, you can do your romance in your bedroom". Akbar startled by his remark, says "I am doing nothing of that sort with my wife here. I was just talking to her, can't you see". But Birbal goes on... Akbar gets very angry and orders Birbal to come down and see. Birbal comes down and says "Oh pardon me sir, I think this is a magic tree", "because I saw what I was saying when I was up there, why don't you try it yourself your majesty??".

Akbar climbs up the tree and high up where Birbal was earlier. Birbal immediately starts screwing Akbar's wife. She says nothing but lets Birbal fuck her thinking this is one of Birbal's ingenious actions. Akbar from above exclaims "Oh this is wonderful I too see what you saw!!".

Banta singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK !!!"

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "Why are you sitting here?" Sardarji replies "Now-a-days these trains are late, why do I have to die with hunger"

Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passer-by saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for!" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

******* Some Airlines behaviour when the Plane Ditches.....**********

Lufthansa -

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an

emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane" After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...

---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "

British Airways

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

Air France -

There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system..."This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late." Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life... "This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late." The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system... "Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late. "On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said: "I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting

flight from New York!"

Philippine Airlines -

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean. Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would likeyou to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me: "Our Father Who are in Heaven.........."

Your Day of Birth in Numerology

1st Day of the Month

A birthday on the first day of the month means that you have a strong will, are self-reliant and independent. People may say you "think too much," because you like to plan but not to actually build. Similarly, you're better at diagnosing what's wrong than prescribing a remedy. You have a good mind and like to reason things out. Practical and idealistic at the same time, you refer most things to your head rather than to your heart. As a result, although you are capable of great affection,you are not usually demonstrative of it. In spite of all your independence you are very sensitive and need positive feedback and encouragement. You possess a great deal of unexpressed power.

2nd Day of the Month

A birthday on the second day of the month indicates that you are highly emotional and very sensitive to your environment. Somewhat nervous and forgetful, you make friends easily and they have great fondness for you. You're warm hearted and need demonstrated affection, so you like people to make a fuss over you. It's important that you avoid mood swings and anything that depresses you. While you like material comfort, you aren't always willing to make the effort to get it. Your talent for rhythm can be expressed in writing poetry or music.

3rd Day of the Month

A birthday on the third day of the month indicates that you have great vitality and can quickly recover from illness. Your vivid imagination enables you to make a good story out of the smallest event.You have innate critical and literary abilities, and need a variety of interests to keep you busy. Intense and extreme in your affections, you have great emotional crises from which you recover quickly. You're a social animal, expressive in public and at your top form in front of an audience. Although you are restless, you are also easily satisfied and able to make the best of conditions.

4th Day of the Month

A birthday on the fourth day of the month indicates a four-square individual, a lover of nature, home, family and country. You are most likely to be successful in manufacturing, building, utilities, textiles-any occupation connected with the products of the earth. Music, painting or sculpting offer relaxing sidelines, although you could commercialize any of these as well. You're rather set in your ideas and tend to impose them on others, seeing yourself as the final arbiter of good manners and correct ethics. Your belief in discipline makes it hard for you to express your feelings, and as a result you suffer a great deal emotionally. When it comes to work, you drive yourself tirelessly -- and, unfortunately, everyone else, too. You have a decided tendency to overwork and if need be should schedule time for recreation.

5th Day of the Month

A birthday on the fifth day of the month indicates that you are adaptable, enthusiastic and somewhat boastful. You have a fine mind and active imagination, and love to serve up your stories with all the trimmings. A lover of life, hale fellow well met, you're excellent company and keep things moving rapidly. Yours is a life filled with all sorts of new experiences and constant change. Although you are the type who refuses to be tied down by anything, you are the "marrying kind." You have a good singing and speaking voice.

6th Day of the Month

A birthday on the sixth day of the month indicates a love nature. You bloom with praise and appreciation, but wilt in the face of criticism. When involved in a relationship you lavish your affection on your beloved - at least for as long as the relationship lasts. The 6 seeks perfection and seldom finds it, so it looks elsewhere. Following such a course will earn you a reputation for being untrustworthy. You love children but don't have to have your own to be happy. Even though you are well protected, you worry constantly about not having enough money. Mental rather than intellectual, you have natural acting abilities that can help you succeed on the stage or in business. You have literary and artistic tendencies,and can attract the money or backing you need. The one area in which you are not talented is mechanics. Having people around you in a harmonious atmosphere is essential to your well being.

7th Day of the Month

A birthday on the seventh day of the month indicates a specialist, one with a keen mind capable of deep mental analysis. You shouldn't gamble or speculate; on the contrary, you must closely examine every detail of any enterprise before becoming involved in it. Strongly intuitive if not psychic, you should never take advice that goes against your "gutfeelings." You must WAIT for what you want rather than aggressively seek it, for what you long for comes to you only if it is not actively sought. You have talent for stringed instruments (including the piano) and the organ, as well as excellent judgment in money matters. Your opinions are firm and you don't like to change them; moreover, physical adjustments are not easy for you and you tend to be a loner, all of which makes marriage difficult. Spend a portion of each day alone to relax and meditate.

8th Day of the Month

A birthday on the eighth day of the month indicates a creative, productive individual with natural business acumen. Progressive and expansive, you deal well in matters of general or public interests,but should avoid equal partnerships because you need to be in a position to make the final decisions. Large businesses, corporations or governmentare your bailiwick, in any of which you must express honesty and integrity in order to be permanently successful. More fond of books than you are of reading, you're inclined toward large gestures; if you have it, you give great sums of money to institutions or charities. You are somewhat ostentatious and want your family to be a credit to you.

9th Day of the Month

A birthday on the ninth day of the month indicates publicity, distribution, art, broadmindedness and philanthropy (defined in The Wizard of Oz as "good deed doing"). You're interested in metaphysics and relate them to what's going on in the world. Literary, artistic and strong willed, you're a natural ruler who can succeed in almost anything artistic, as well as writing, teaching, law, publishing or the ministry. You need a broad education so that you can better choose your profession. You belong both in and to the world, making it difficult for you to lead a purely personal life successfully. Marriage during the middle portion of your life is likely to end, through death, divorce or some other separation, though the love may remain intact. Yours is a life filled with long journeys and many changes.

10th Day of the Month

A birthday on the tenth day of the month indicates a person with many interests, capable of doing several things at the same time. Many others depend on you but few offer help, so you may feel rather isolated and alone. You have a good mind and strong will, and are an adept promoter of things you believe in. When it comes to friends and possessions (which you may regard in the same light) you are quite jealous and exclusive -you do not share either. Your creative talent is best expressed in the business world, but art, particularly music or painting, is a fulfilling sideline. Hospitable but not domestic, you don't like to be burdened with the details of maintaining a home. Your vitality enables you to quickly recover from physical and emotional ills.

11th Day of the Month

A birthday on the eleventh day of the month indicates an inspired, imaginative individual with determination and perseverance, but with fluctuating levels of energy. In keeping with this master vibration,you are very dramatic in both thought and action, brilliant, scintillating,but nervous and high strung. You react quickly - shoot from the hip - and need to be careful that your intellect doesn't bury your intuition. There's a tendency for you to impose your own moral code on others and not allow for human frailty. Your passions are intense, extreme and without reason; in fact, you are a person of extremes all around, in the clouds one minute,in the pits the next. In reacting to these extremes, take care not to overcorrect. Guard your health and nerves, and avoid any tendency to be mercenary, acquisitive or self-aggrandizing.

12th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twelfth day of the month indicates a brilliant, magnetic, imaginative person, a good speaker who can be very convincing in an argument. Since you have a well balanced mind, artistic tendencies and enjoy life and action, you could succeed as a trial lawyer, actor or in sales/advertising. Your high ideals demand that you have a"mission" in life. You need to keep intellectually active to avoid the ups and downs that are the handicap of all 3's. Your flair for design would serve you well in architecture or interior decorating. Flirtatious and inclined toward affairs, you need to finish what you start and avoid the tendency to scatter.

13th Day of the Month

A birthday on the thirteenth day of the month indicates a riddle inside a contradiction, creativity, expansion and restlessness(1+3) behind regularity and limitation (4). You are sensitive and spiritual, suffer through your environment, and are given to explosions of temper. Your good mind is offset by an exceptionally stubborn will, and while you have a strong love nature, you seldom show it and then suffer because of it. Often misunderstood, you are considered temperamental and at times unreasonable, and while you are inclined to be dictatorial, you are an excellent manager. Your best success is in dealing with the earth mining, geology, practical construction. A walking dichotomy, you love a uniform but hate war. Home is essential to your happiness.

14th Day of the Month

A birthday on the fourteenth day of the month indicates a versatile and dual person with both a reasoning and a prophetic mind. "Lucky" in games of chance and contests, you're a natural bettor and gambler. Your success lies in business on a large scale, but you need some form of artistic expression for recreation and to "let off steam." Very emotional, you can always be appealed to through your feelings and sympathies. You are apt to crave constant change, and should avoid all of the pitfalls associated with the physical - drugs, alcohol, promiscuity and other sexual excess. You can be a bridge between the physical and spiritual worlds, and have great constructive or destructive power - as you choose.

15th Day of the Month

A birthday on the fifteenth day of the month indicates a gifted person under the protection of the kindly, harmonious six who absorbs knowledge rather than acquires it through hard study. In fact, you attract many things - friends, gifts, money, opportunities, and give the impression of youthfulness and good health. You're capable of much self-sacrifice for a good cause or to help a friend, but you will not submit to domination. Your mind is scientific but your expession is often musical; although your success lies in a professional career, music plays a pivotal role throughout your life. You love your home, and while you are demonstrative and generous, you are more inclined toward individual acts of charity than to institutional philanthropy.

16th Day of the Month

A birthday on the sixteenth day of the month indicates a nervous and sometimes irritable person who makes complications and intricacies and then suffers the consequences. Naturally aloof, you nonetheless lean toward home and affection. Though you can suceed in art or literature, your powers of reason and analysis demand a business outlet as well. While not actively aggressive, you don't like your plans interfered with. You tend to put off until whenever the things you know you should be doing right now, and live too much within yourself. As much as you want affection, you don't always make the effort to earn it.

17th Day of the Month

A birthday on the seventeenth day of the month indicates a high minded, proud spirited individual, sometimes liberal, sometimes conservative, generous or stingy, collecting or dissipating. Very set in your ideas, you seldom yield to others; in business you do best at the head of the enterprise, working with under-partners. You execute whatever you do, have a particular talent for managing the interests and affairs of others, and are drawn to dealing in large affairs. The details are for someone else to take care of, since you hate to be bothered with them. You can be successful in any enterprise connected with the earth (e.g., land, mining, oil, livestock), as well as writing, though you are more inclined to technical or historical writing than to fiction. You love knowledge and like to explore. When it comes to spiritual matters, you want proof.

18th Day of the Month

A birthday on the eighteenth day of the month indicates a person whose life is filled with change, activity and travel. You may find yourself responsible for the care of groups or communities that will tap your fund of helpfulness. Much is expected of you because much has been given to you: The independence of the 1 and the efficiency of the 8, manifesting to mankind through the 9. Since you don't like to take advice, it's as well that you rarely need it. You're drawn to any large field in need of efficient administration (e.g., law, politics, religion), and although your first efforts may not always succeed, you do succeed on repetition - so try, try again. Somewhat emotional, you are nonetheless intellectual and enjoy both reasoning and arguing. These traits equip you well as a drama critic, writer or speaker. In money matters you are never rash, for you feel the responsibility of handling material assets. Marriages or engagements made during the middle ortion of your life are likely to be broken.

19th Day of the Month

A birthday on the nineteenth day of the month indicates the full gamut of the vibrations, from 1 through 9, influencing your personality. Logical, persevering, tenacious, practical , artistic and universal, you can rise to great heights or fall to great depths in both acts and emotions. You're independent and must not submit to limitations. This independence is the source of your dislike of society's conventions, which you refuse to follow in your private life, though you don't give public offense. Your versatility opens a wide range of career options for you, though you are suited to a profession rather than to business. Your deep sense of responsibility and strong impulse to better conditions equip you well for politics if you are so inclined. You crave change and variety, are always altering your surroundings and will need to make many adjustments in your personal life.

20th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twentieth day of the month indicates a person best suited to small business, in a friendly, protective atmosphere. You prefer to work with others rather than shoulder all the responsibility yourself, and are somewhat disinclined to branch out into larger fields. Although you are a better speaker on paper than before crowds, your instinctive compassion and sensitivity suits you well to politics or ministry. Sympathetic and affectionate, you're able to accumulate a store of knowledge and should have a good education. Your attention to detail makes you well suited to professions demanding that trait, such as corporate law or estate management. You prefer the country to the city and are deeply vested in your home, family and friends. While you like to be helpful, you're not inclined toward avoidable manual labor. Musical expression uplifts you, though you should pursue this as part of a group rather than a soloist.

21st Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-first day of the month indicates an individual blessed with a beautiful singing and speaking voice that is a significant asset. Magnetic and musical, fond of beauty, art and dancing, you are rather nervous and high strung. You need to get a grip on the inexplicable aversions you feel toward certain things and people. When it comes to love you're more receptive than active in expressing it, but you take great pride in the objects of your affections. Your active imagination leads you to be suspicious, which can cause serious problems in relationships, especially marriage. Avoid the tendency to brood or become depressed. Inherently drawn to books, publishing, editing and related fields, you can be very successful in anything educational.

22nd Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-second day of the month indicates a high powered individual who functions in both the objective and subjective worlds. This is a master vibration and as such, nervous and over-stimulated; you need rest and seclusion in order to recharge and maintain your equilibrium. Highly intuitive, you should rely on your first impressions. Although you have unlimited power on both planes, you are constantly pulled between expressing your ideals and keeping them within constructive limits. The 22 bears the mission of universal utilitarianism, which leaves little room for personal ambitions. Your greatest success lies in the world of form, in any line that meets your ideals and contributes to the general good. Avoid any dubious or illegal transactions; you would be sure to be caughtand suffer the consequences.

23rd Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-third day of the month indicates a sympathetic, sensitive, understanding person with a practical turn of mind. You have an uncanny ability to diagnose physical ailments and would therefore be well suited for a career in medicine (but not surgery, since the mission of this vibration is to build and heal instead of tear downand destroy). Your technical ability and practicality may give you an interest in law, chemistry or stocks, but you are simply too practical to succeed in art. Self-sufficient, popular and sociable, you do not suffer from an inferiority complex. You get a lot out of life because you make the best of any situation. You're a good friend who is willing to take on many responsibilities.

24th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-fourth day of the month indicates an extremely active person who must keep on the go in order to avoid wasting energy. Though you concentrate on one thing at a time, you thrive on constant change; you aren't the type to retire because you need to keeping expanding and enlarging. You're strongly allied to art and have considerable talent for the stage - your nature is thoroughly dramatic - but are more likely to succeed in business or real estate. Externals don't count much with you, so you don't have much appreciation for the value of time or money. You're primarily practical, with a little inclination to dream and a large inclination to magnify your joys and sorrows. You have a decidedly domestic nature along with a well developed ego and will learn much through your powers of observation. Avoid depression, jealousy and worry.

25th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-fifth day of the month indicates a naturally prophetic and intuitive person with a strong leaning toward the occult. You tend to conceal your true feelings and as a result are not always understood. Artistically gifted, you can commercialize almost any area of art to which you are inclined. Success can also be enjoyed in the professions, business or the constructive side of politics. You tend to be vacillating and inconsistent, and until you overcome this tendency your affairs will suffer. It's imperative that you learn to concentrate, force your mind into stability and away from a sense of inferiority, self-pity and depression. Your affections are your greatest weakness, and you must always stay on the straight and narrow, for there's a strong tendency to wander from the path that inclines you to preach morals but practice excess. Idealistic and hopeful, you need to work against laziness.

26th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-sixth day of the month indicates an individual with full closets and drawers, for nothing is too small for practical use, and you just know that you'll need it if you get rid of it. You're very introspective and tend to live in the past - to the detriment of the present and future. Although you start many things, you find it hard to finish them, and either rise above or fall below average - as you choose. You can commercialize anything in the artistic lines - except music- in a big way. You can also do well in politics or diplomacy, and should have a good education. You have a beautiful domestic nature, love home and children and are the "marrying kind." Fastidious about your personal belongings and fond of color and show in the clothes you wear, you nonetheless do not insist on physical comforts and are very generous to others.

27th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-seventh day of the month indicates a more materially inclined individual than those born on the other "9"birthdays (9th and 18th). The 27 is a strong marriage vibration, though the experience may be disappointing. You're forceful, quietly determined but somewhat erratic, a natural leader who cannot be satisfied in a subordinate position. Neither do you like to account for your own conduct. Versatile and artistic, you also have literary talents and could be a journalist, writer, lecturer or teacher. You're ardent in your affections but tend to overdo family traits. Your religious tendencies are toward Eastern beliefs and away from orthodoxy.

28th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-eighth day of the month indicates a strong willed, dominant, tenacious person who is nonetheless filled with love and willing to go to any lengths for its sake. In this regard, your unions may be unconventional, but are always in keeping with your ideals. Executive by nature, you want to excel and will make great sacrifices to do so. Your tendency to daydream and goof off could nullify all your wonderful gifts, so you must never let laziness get the upper hand. Most of your disappointments come from magnifying everything that concerns your life. Freedom is essential to you; you suffer when restrained or limited in anyway. Watch out for the tendency to drop your ideals once you have realized them, since this can deny you your final success.

29th Day of the Month

A birthday on the twenty-ninth day of the month indicates inspiration, spirituality and leadership abilities, since this is a master vibration (2+9_). You have a unique ability to bring together disparate forces and can mediate labor problems or unify religious differences. Your powers are great; you can use them to bring honor or destruction to yourself and others - as you choose. You're an extremist in everything, intense in love and judgments, either way up or way down emotionally.Home is essential to your happiness, but you're high strung and moody, and not easy to live with. You get absorbed in your dreams, aspirations and plans and forget to consider the needs or feelings of those around you. You need a definite work to keep you balanced and efficient.

30th Day of the Month

A birthday on the thirtieth day of the month indicates a vital, rather nervous individual who seldom suffers from illnesses thanks to an enviable ability to throw them off. You need to avoid any type of obsession and should never experiment with the occult "for fun." Set in your opinions, you always think you're right, basing your conclusions on a little knowledge combined with much imagination and intuition. Fundamentally loyal, a true friend, you would make a good teacher, writer or social worker. You're flirtatious, but fundamentally loyal and like to be thanked for the thoughtful things you do. Although you're an excellent manager, you're not terribly fond of work.

31st Day of the Month

A birthday on the 31st day of the month indicates a person who, like those born on the thirtieth, shouldn't play with psychic phenomena. Your aspirations aren't always reasonable, which leads to disappointments; you need to apply practicality and patient hard work to your endeavors in order to succeed. You don't like to live alone and responsibility is a stabilizer for you, so it makes sense that you're the "marryingkind." You have good business qualities but need to get a grip on your tendency to spend money and dissipate other assets foolishly. Interior decoration, writing,chemistry and pharmacy (you have a special talent for combining drugs and medicines) are other career avenues for which you are well suited. You never forget a kindness - or an injury, real or imagined.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

College : A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Optimist : A person who who starts taking bath if he accidently falls into a river.

Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Rumour : News that travels at the speed of sound.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest of us...except that he got caught.

Worry : Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

S/W Engr : who is paid for sending and receiving such junk mails!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The atomic scientist was so exhausted from the lecture circuit that he let his chauffeur give one of his lectures while he dressed as the chauffeur. During the question and answer period there came a very

difficult question. Holding his composure the chauffeur-turned-atomic-scientist responded, "That question is so ridiculously simple to answer, I'm going to have my chauffeur answer it for you."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

S/W Egr. husband.......

Husband : (Returning from work) "Evening dear, I'm now logged in "

Wife : Have you brought the ring?

Bad Command or file name.

But I had told you in the morn......

Erroneous syntax. Abort?

What about my diwali saree?

Variable not found...

Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Too many parameters.

It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.

A true case of data type mismatch.

You are a useless nut.

Ha ! Ha ! It's by DEFAULT.

What about U'r salary.

File in use.

Who was in the car this morning.

System is unstable press CTRL + ALT + DEL to reboot.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Here are some actual court transcriptions, some of which you have seen, but there are several new ones:

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. Q:"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "How many were boys?"

A: "None."

Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

A: "I went to Europe, Sir."

Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

A: "By death."

Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."

Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

A: "I have been since early childhood."

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused an autopsy.

* The patient has no past history of suicides.

* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

* If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. Rev 3:20:- "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

Genesis 3:10:- "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

Paddy the Irishman, Charles the Englishman and Jimmy the Scot visited a strip joint. The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a g-string. Paddy (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her ass cheek. Charles (trying to show up Paddy) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other ass cheek. Jimmy pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the $20 and the $50 in his wallet.

Don't be too hard on li'l Monica. Clinton told her oral sex wasn't adultery and she swallowed it. Clinton's defense:

"I didn't tell her to lie in deposition" "I told her to lie in THAT position"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Green, Pink and Yellow

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

Daily Laugh

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

Bird Flu Symptoms

From the Home Office in Hong Kong where everything's gone wrong, here's tonight's Top Ten List.

Top Ten Signs you may be suffering from the dreaded Chicken Flu.

As a public service announcement, sometime last year we put out a top ten list of symptoms of the Mad Cow Disease. So from the same people who brought you that top ten list, here's the slightly revised, blatantly imitated, and mostly unoriginal top ten signs you may be suffering from the dreaded Chicken Flu.

10 Every time you sneeze, you find feathers in your tissue.

9 You wear an egg timer on your wrist

8 Whenever a waiter asks you how you like your eggs, you say, "laid."

7 You have an irresistible urge to peck at things.

6 You have recurring nightmares about a stocky, white-haired gentleman with a goatee and a white suit saying, "lick my finger, go ahead, lick my finger".

5 You purposely flunk all your tests just so you can see the big red zero on the top of your paper.

4 You have a pathological phobia of the letters C, F, and K when they are arranged in a specific order.

3 You wake up at 4.30 am, with your arms flapping, and then you burp very long and very loudly.

2 People call your handwriting chicken scratching from the dreaded chicken flu...

1 Your pay is chicken feed.

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University Essay

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion

- royalty

- sex

- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Towards a more American Conversation

* U don't open conversation (on telephone) with a "Hello" but with a "Hi"

* The telephone is never "engaged", it's always "busy".

* U don't "disconnect" a phone, U simply "hang-up".

* U never "mess-up" things, U only "screw them up".

* U never have a "residence" tel. no., U have a "home" no.

* U don't stop at the "signals", but halt at the "lights".

* U don't "accelerate", U "step on the gas".

* Your tire never "punctures", U may have a "flat".

* The trains have "coaches" or "boggies' no more but "carriages" or "boxes".

* There R no "petrol pumps", but "gas stations".

* "I don't know nothing", 2 negatives don't make a positive here.

* U no longer meet a "wonderful" person, U meet a "cool" guy

* U don't pull the switch down to light a bulb,rather flick it up.

* U don't "turn on the heat", U "turn on the juice".

* There's no "Business Area" only "business districts", and no "districts" but "counties".

* No one stays "a stone's throw away", might"a few blocks away".

* There's no "Town Side", it's "Down Town".

* In hotel U no longer ask for "bill" and pay by "cheque", rather ask for "check" and pay with (Dollar) "bill"s.

* There R no "soft drinks", only "sodas".

* Life's no longer "miserable" it "stinks".

* U don't have a "great" time, U have a "ball".

* U don't "sweat it out", U "work U'r butt off".

* Never "post" a letter, always "mail" it and "glue" the stamps, don't "stick" them.

* U no longer live in "flats" or "blocks", find an "apartment".

* U no longer "like" something, U "appreciate" it.

* "#" is not "hash", it's "pound".

* U R not "deaf", U have "impaired hearing".

* U R not "lunatic", U are just "mentally challenged".

* U R not "disgusting" U R "sick".

* U can't get "surprised" U get "zapped".

* U don't "schedule" a meeting, U "skejule" it.

* U never "joke", U just "kid".

* U never "increase" the pressure, U always "crank" it up.

* U never ask for a pencil "rubber" U ask for an eraser.

* U don't try to find a lift U find an elevator.

* U no more ask for a route but for a "RAUT"

* U don't ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What's up dude?"

* U never go to see a game U go to watch a game.

* If U see "World" champions(or Series),read "USA"champions(or Series).

* There's no "zero" but "o", no "Z" but "zee".

* There's no FULL STOP after a statement, there's a PERIOD.

* If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed".

* You don't say "How do you do", you say "How you doin"

* In short U don't speak English, U speak American.

* Well u dont' say life is boring u say LIFE SUCKS !!!!!

-----------

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

No time at all -- it is already built.

Which would you prefer to have, an old ten-dollar bill or a new one?

An old ten-dollar bill is worth ten times as much as a new one dollar bill.

Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?

Just one. All the others are anniversaries.

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

Very large hands.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

How can a man go eight days without sleep?

He sleeps at night.

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks

"What do you like best about it?"

"The artwork," says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Tits!"

"Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving."

Americans

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a

train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing

each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.

The lady was insulted; "You Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said.

The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant", she said.

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat

spoke up.

"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

TEST - DO NOT CHEAT!!!

Scoring:

20 Correct - Genius (that's me!!!!!!)

17 Correct - Above Normal

15 Correct - Normal

8 Correct - Nincompoop

6 Correct - Moron

3 Correct - Idiot

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?

5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?

6. How many outs are there in an inning?

7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?

8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.

9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?

11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?

14. How far can a dog run into the woods?

15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?

16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?

19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

20. What was the President's name in 1950?

ANSWERS:

1. Yes (they also have a 3rd of July, a 2nd of July, etc...)

2. One a year

3. All months have (at least) 28 days

4. The beggar is the woman's sister

5. Because he is living

6. 6 (3 per side)

7. No. the man would be dead

8. They are not playing each other

9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60)

10. White. (the bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole)

11. 2 (you just took 2 apples)

12. A fifty cent piece, and a nickel (one is not a nickel, but the other one is)

13. Light the match first

14. Half way (then he would be running out)

15. One hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more half hour)

16. 9 (all but 9 die...)

17. None. Moses was not on the ark

18. He weighs meat.

19. 12

20. Bill Clinton

Cynic's Dictionary…

AUTHOR - A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

charge.

DENIAL - How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

EXPERIENCE - In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.

FITNESS - Salvation through perspiration.

GOURMET - A food fetishist.

famous humorless zealots.

KLEPTOMANIAC - A thief with breeding.

LABORATORY ANIMALS - Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

MARTIAL ARTS - A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic.

NEIGHBORS - The strangers who live next door.

ORGASM - The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.

PARASITE - A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.

QUAGMIRE - Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.

REDNECK - Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.

SMILE - To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

TRAILER PARKS - Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.

UNWED MOTHER - One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.

VOTING - The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.

WHITE SUPREMACISTS - The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.

X-RAY - A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.

Y-CHROMOSOME - A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

ZOO - A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde (all pregnant) are sitting around trying to figure out what sex their babies will be. The redhead says, "I always have sex on the bottom and I heard if you do that, you'll have a girl." The brunette said, "I always have sex on top, so I must be going to have a boy." The blonde pondered this a minute then began sobbing. "Oh no! I'm going to have puppies!"

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men.

For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.

Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing.

Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.

There would be no such words as ``wedgie'' and ``noogie.''

Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations there would be --I sincerely believe this -- virtually no military conflicts, and when there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).

So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.

When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective -- follow me closely here -- is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: ``Howdy! My bottom is the size of a Federal Express truck!''

The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as ``8'' or ``10.'' Don't ask me ``8'' or ``10'' of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8. So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.

``Hi!'' he'll say, when his wife finds him. ``You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and . . ' ``Am I fat?'' she'll ask, cutting him off.

This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers``yes,'' she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers ``no,'' she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.

The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote:

``I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a `6' on them.''

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called ``SIZE 2,'' in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words ``SIZE 2.'' I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.

Sister Mary & The Bet

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?" "Well, I hit the CEILING, father." "How much did you win?"

Babies

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

Attitude

Attitude is everything By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I

would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens,I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' "I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over

their laughter, I told them. 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

Blow to the Ego

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the

students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. "Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand".

Banta finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Banta goes back to the temple... "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!! Back to the temple.. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Banta is confronted by the voice of Lord: "BANTA , BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".

There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?" comes the reply, "Ha ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!"

There were these three guys, a surd, an Italian, and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves,they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they.

The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start.The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. Our Banta goes home and walks to his bedroom.... He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss..! He shuts the door and hurries out of the house!

The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask Banta if he wants to leave early again and he says,"no." They ask him why not and he says, "because yesterday I almost got caught!"

Banta Singh: Have you heard of Suez canal?

Santa Singh: Yeah!

Well, my grandfather dug it !

You must have heard about the Dead Sea?

Yeah ! anything special?

Well ! my grandfather killed it..............

Law & Disorder

A true story out of San Francisco:

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few

minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of

cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose himself.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and

moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

MEGA-MORON AWARDS

Tennessee:

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. ( That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera ).

Louisiana:

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed? ]

Ann Arbor:

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky:

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

--Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

--While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

--Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

--Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

--Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT

--When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

--If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

--Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

--A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

--Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

--Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

--If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)

--Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

--No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

--Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

--Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

--If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

--Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

--Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

--Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

--Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

--Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

--Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

--When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.

--Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

--A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.

--For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

--Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

--When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

--Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

--When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

--Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

--Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

--Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

--Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

--Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

--Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

--It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

--Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

--The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

--If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

--Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Dorothy Nevill:

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

The Small and the Mighty

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The massive bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out would walk away with the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." (After the laughter had died down,) the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and, one by one, six drops fell into the glass! As the crowd erupted into cheering, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man adjusted his glasses on his nose and replied, "I work for the IRS."

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

Words of Wisdom...

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. Indecision is the key to flexibility. I don't get even, I get odder. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. A day without sunshine is like night.

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