So you want to rant about past girls and the horror they cause? Or are you wanting to rant about the utter depression life becomes? I knew a girl one time...you couldn't stop staring at her...a laugh I'd tear someone's pancreas out for. I fell over, then fell over again. The pit of your stomach rotting with a mysterious yearning, a wonderful, yet painful feeling. You put yourself into a routine...knowingly or unknowingly. You cannot stop thinking about her, no matter what you do. It brings a smile to your face just to see her car sitting in a driveway or in a parking lot. The feeling comes back. So you go to bed, thinking about what you're going to say next time you see her. You toss and turn for a good hour before finally falling asleep in the middle of your dream conversation, stuck in your melodramatic fantasy. The next morning, you get out of bed, feeling great. The world in your hands, you could put Tony Montana to shame. The daily routine is easier for you, because you can think of only one thing. You take care of yourself...for the first time in your life, you're actually worried about your body and appearance. This feeling goes on and off, you can't control it. It doesn't matter what anyone says to you, their words go right through your thin skull, because you know better. After time, you find out she likes you as well. The feeling jumps from the deep pit of your stomach up to your throat. It feels like your neck could split at any second. The two of you exchange words, sometimes little gifts, you know, the no-risk gift. The kind you give to a good friend. It's been a good day...so you take your shower, wondering what tomorrow will bring. The feeling has fallen back down into your stomach, but you're feelings are still on high. No drug can make you feel this way. Into bed you go, pulling the covers over you. You exhale a deep breath with a little smile on your face, thinking of the one in your heart. Sleeping is a bit easier tonight, thought it's still hard. Tomorrow is here...a new day has risen.

Off to find her you go, but something else happens.

You find her...but something is different. There isn't any more sparkle...no more feeling. There she is, flirting like she's wants her ovaries busted into eternity. You walk up to her after the other man leaves...trying to act like you know nothing, but the look on your face tells her everything. She realizes what she has done to you, but in reality, she can't feel the pain that has just been shot into your body like a rusted heroin needle. The two of you go your seperate ways, you trying to be tough about it...not showing emotion. You drive around for a while, just trying to get thoughts through your head. When you get home, there's a note on the door. A note from the one you thought you knew. Dear John, I'm sorry I flirted with you like you were a cheap piece of meat, I didn't mean to hurt you. Her note cannot even begin to revive the part of you who just died. Just yesterday, you would give your soul for her, now the life you had has become a downward spiral of depression and anger. You could be disemboweled right now and care less. Death is actually preferred. There's no end in sight...the world has fallen out of your hands, right into a toilet in a Philips 66 station. You go to bed that night, trying to hold back any emotion. Strength is key. The question "Why?" comes up over and over in your head and out of your mouth.

You two meet up again. In her imagination, you two are still friends. You keep the act up, as if you aren't bothered by her. But you are. You can't deny the murder she has performed. Your life has been changed because of her and she cannot even comprehend it. She's oblivious to everything, except she doesn't want you anymore. You've been used like a tampon. You worked for a while, but she got tired of you and threw you out. She still talks to you and friendly to you, but the thoughts will never leave your mind. Depression sinks in deeper and deeper as if it's a never ending ocean. You try and find someone to replace her, but it's impossible. The feeling comes back sometimes, but you try and fight it off, telling yourself not to get sucked back in. Time goes on and your feelings are slowly patched in certain places, but you have become closed up to your feelings. The opportunities to meet others have come up, but you were hesitant to follow through. Afraid of being hurt again, you allow no one in. Friends, family...you even deny yourself access to those feelings. Your daily routine has become so dull and repetitive that you'd like to just drive off one day...disappear. You have no idea what the future will bring or where you want to go with yourself. But, that's what makes the world go round.