How far does the truth stretch before it�s a bald-faced lie? If I say that �I�m 22 with a perfect figure, very friendly and have a post - graduate degree in Humanities.� At first glance, It IS a bald-face lie. However if we pick it apart I can justify all of it. �I�m 22�--- O.K., I didn�t say �years of age�. Maybe it�s my hat size. Could be dog years or my standing in a group of 25. So I didn�t do a bald-faced lie. Let�s call it a fuzzy truth. �Perfect figure�, Not a lie. I can order from the �Larger Babes� catalog and the multi X sixe fits perfectly. (I have also been eyed up by some horny male rhinos.) So, There! �Very Friendly�, Well in comparison to some serial killers,, I AM! I hardly ever slap the snot out of someone without smiling at them. �Post-Graduate degree�, Here we go� Post means after and I did graduate from nursing school. After nursing school I spent a lot of time in saloons and even bar-maided now & then. As for degree? Well I know that water freezes at 32o fahrenheit. That�s how you get ice cubes for the drinks that you serve to Humans! Lots of them in large groups, ergo� Humanities. See? I don�t lie.

I love to read. Especially the want ads and the real estate ads. Which is where I learned about the elasticity of honesty.

There is a shortage of nurses these days. I am only 5� 1� so I believe this. I read the ads and almost regret my decision to never touch human flesh again unless it was for fun. But then I read between the lines and I get to the reality.

�NURSES! COME WORK FOR A MAGNET HOSPITAL!!!�

Don�t you visualize little iron nurses being drawn into the door of this institution? It�s supposed to mean this joint is so good that every one wants to work here. If this were true, wouldn�t it mean that they were so flooded with applications they don�t need to advertise? Or are they so overstaffed they don�t have room for patients? HHHMMMM�.

� 5,000$ SIGN-ON BONUS!�

WOW! I can walk in, sign up and then say �Show me the money!� Not quite. You find out that the $5,000 is only available if you are hired to be the C.E.O. or if you sign up to work 400 days a year on the off shifts. Alrighty then�

�FREE T-SHIRT WITH OUR LOGO!�

That one is the truth! You will be given a T-shirt by the guy in Human Resources. It�s a one-size-fits -all and the consistency of wet tissue paper. The label says �Assembled in Occupied Afghanistan�. The logo is slightly blurred in light yellow letters and if you can read it at all, seems to say �PROWED DUE WIRK AT GENERALLY INHOSPITABLE� If you ever wear it and it fits, DON�T WASH IT!! It melts into goo.

�ON-SITE CHILD CARE�

You picture the twins, Cuddles and Bunny, being cared for in a beautiful. Large playroom staffed by young, pixie-like pediatric nurses and sweet grannies who love to hug. Let�s take it from �On-Site�. It turns out that Generally Inhospitable owns an abandoned pickle factory about 10 miles away. That�s the sire of the proposed parking garage but the site is owned by the Generally. The staff resembles the �Witches of Eastwick� but not quite that attractive. You will pay a special rate as an employee, ASTRONOMICALLY HIGH!!

�SECURED FREE PARKING LOT�

YES!! There is one. The large to big wigs park there. There are only enough spaces for the administrative vehicles and a platoon from Special Forces struts around to make sure no one else gets in. You see, They really do have one. They didn�t say YOU could park there.

�FULL MEDICAL BENEFITS AND MATCHING RETIREMENT FUNDS�

The medical bennies are an H.M.O. named Saint Jude Wellness Program. You will contribute 50% of your paycheck for this. If you do get sick there is a list of approved providers. This is a very long list and has many specialities on it, �Granola Maintenance. Fluorescent Proctology�� The doctor�s names seem to consist of strange vowel/consonant combinations. If you get a magnifying glass and manage to make out the address of these docs, You will see there are exactly 2 within a 250 mile radius of you. The rest seem to be in Liberia, Mexico and Tanzania. As far as matching retirement funds, let�s say you stash about $25 dollars a month in your 401K. They will match whatever falls to the right of the decimal point.

�FULL SERVICE CAFETERIA WITH A DISCOUNT FOR EMPLOYEES�

You will have to show your employee ID badge because you will be the only one in the line.

The discount will apply only if you take the bologna sandwich they hand you. If you want to pick out your own bologna sandwich, the discount is off. And there is a full selection of urns containing hot water. No one remembers the last time they filled the baskets labeled �tea�, �coffee�,�sanka�, �hot chocolate� and �broth�. The hot water is the only thing that can be ingested without side effects. At $2.25 for a 4oz cup it seems a real bargain.

�PAID VACATION AND SICK DAYS�

A while back some enterprising Admin-Clone developed the �Time Bank�. For every week you work 40 hours they allot about 10 seconds to your �Time Bank Account�. If you want to take off 2 weeks for vacation, Well,,, Math is not my strong point but I suspect you might get the 2 weeks off with pay when you have been retired for a while. Of course you have to request, IN WRITING, the time you want off and wait for approval. If you request December 24th, 2002 and you submit it on January 2nd. 2002, you might discover on December 23, 2002 that:

The Head Nurse is off that whole week and she forgot to approve it. Someone else requested it 2 years ago and got approved.

The Head Nurse was fired in April and everything she approved is no longer valid.

In the �Policies of Convienience�,( made up on the spot to fit a situation,) it says no more than 1 nurse can be off within 3 months of a holiday. Do your holiday shopping on-line and avoid the agony. Sick days are also the Holy Grail. You are supposed to request them in advance also. We have all been hit by a flu bug who gave us no warning. If that happens and you are confined to your bathroom with your phone,, Go Ahead, Call in Sick!! I DARE YOU!!! Not only will you not get paid for it you will be vilified for being a weakling. Sure, you COULD go in and when your fever hits 106, go to employee health where the janitor will give you an aspirin suppository with instructions on placement. By then you will have given the flu to all of your co-workers and patients. By the way..? The meaning of the word NOSOCOMIAL? �An illness acquired while in the hospital�.

�WE TREAT OUR STAFF LIKE FAMILY�

Uh-Huh� The Addams family or the Charles Manson family. The kind of families that bring loaded weapons to holiday gathering. Like when Aunt Bootsie greets you by grabbing your cheeks and pinching until your nose bleeds. Or when cousin George spews 2 gallons of undigested corn chow and beer on you. Hey! LET�S HEAR IT FOR FAMILY!!!

�COME TO OUR WINE & CHEESE JOB FAIR�

If you do go to this bun fight, Be Prepared! The cheese is stale velveeta on moldy generic crackers. The wine has been bottled �on-site�. It�s a combination of Ripple, Thunderbird and something from the pharmacy. After one small paper cup of it you will wake up wearing your free T-shirt and matching bumper sticker to find that you have signed something promising you as an indentured servant to Generally Inhospitable for the next 20 years. Comfort yourself by thinking that the line in the cafeteria was a lot shorter than the one in the unemployment office. Onward now,, To����.

RUBBERY REAL ESTATE ADS

Finding an apartment is easy�IF you have no kids, no pets a severe hearing loss and unlimited income. Oh? You have 2 kids, 1 Chihuahua , low wages and you can hear a gnat burp? Well, you could live under the Turnpike bridge. Bring your own refrigerator box though. Apartment ads are usually more reality based because there are more people than there are places. If you have decided to buy a house there should be a course you can take in reading the ads. You see��EIK,LR/FP, SPACIOUS DR, 4 BR 2 � BATHS, CAC, CIRC DW AND PATIO. And it means,,,,,,????? EIK,= eat in kitchen. That�s if you don�t mind standing up to do it and you only weigh about 90 lbs, then you can EIK. If you expect to sit down in the kitchen , leave the stove and refrigerator in the back yard. LR = living room. You breathe so you�re alive, you�re in a room, Therefore, it is a living room. FP= fireplace. This could mean the place in the room where the fire starts when you turn on the furnace. Or. It might mean This IS the FURNACE! They said in the ad it was a �COLONIAL�.( When we were the 13 colonies did you think the pilgrims microwaved the turkey?) Spacious DR= dining room is 3 inches bigger than kitchen. 4 BR = 4 bedrooms. If the baby crib is in the hallway, that would make it a bedroom. 2 � baths= means bathroom. A bathroom should have a toilet, sink and a shower or tub in it. A � bath is just a toilet and a sink. In this dream home you see a closet-sized space with what looks like a toilet, (WRONG! That�s the sink.) A pedestal sink, (WRONG AGAIN! That�s the toilet.) and a rectangular pit about 3 feet deep. YEP! That�s the tub. The bathroom off the �Master Bedroom� has a recognizable toilet, a saucer-sized sink and coming through the window. You see a garden hose tied to the light fixture. It�s pointed down at the drain in the concrete floor. AHA! A Shower! The � bath is what they used to call an outhouse. You thought it was a gardening shed? Well, if you had moved the spade, pitchfork and flower pots you would have seen the hole in the bench seat. It is a great place to grow things though. The geraniums around it are as big as basketballs. It gives a whole new perspective to being part of the ecological food chain.

Let�s look at the CAC, it�s central air conditioning. It is cooler in the house when you have to open all the windows to get the smell of freon out. And the CIRC DW, it�s a circular drive way with a �64 AMC Rambler parked on it. It�s still parked there because it is just a circle with no entrance or exit. The contractor went over budget.

Here is the patio. Eeeehhhh? It�s all poured concrete but it�s a bit lumpy. There seems to be a lump every couple feet but the lumps are even. Their raised outline is 3� wide and 6� long. The patio looks so familiar�Was it featured in �Architectural Digest�? You know you have seen it somewhere, possible �Better Homes & Gardens�? The neighbors will eventually tell the new owners that the patio was photographed for the cover story of �True Crime Magazine�. A famous serial killer named �Terry the Pirate� lived there. They never did find all of his victims but he confessed to the murder of the 10 bodies they found in the woods right behind the patio.

So much for the tour. You will also see phrases in the real estate ads like; �Lovely cul-de-sac�

Cul-de-sac = Dead end street. Never plowed in snowstorms, has a non-existent zip code and can�t be seen from the adjoining streets. Your mail will be delivered to the gas station on the highway.

�Beautiful Park-Like setting�= Trees, Trees, Trees! All of them shed tons of leaves in the fall. Your guests will need to follow a guide who is armed with a rifle. The flora consists of Poison Oak, Poison Ivy and toadstools. The fauna is rabid skunks, weasels and hungry black bears. Sorta like �Jurassic Park�.

�Close to transportation�, Well now, That one is true! The Railroad runs through the back yard. Oh..right! There�s the gas station up the hill. Bet you could catch a ride up there.

�Excellent neighborhood schools� Well, Yeah� depending on your educational needs. There�s the Dixie Duke School of Baton Twirling and Tap Dance. And the School for the Emotionally Disturbed and don�t forget the Homeless Men�s Shelter, They have Bible Study Class 4 times a week! And they are all in the neighborhood!

�Perfect for the First Time Home Buyer.� Sure is� If you had any experience at all you would run away from this one like a scalded cat.

�Lots of Potential� = Total shitwreck. But if you raze it to the ground you will have a nice lot to park your Airstream.

�Owner is Motivated to discuss Terms� Is he ever! His lawyer blew town with the bail money.

�Move-in Condition� and if you like camping �Survivor-Style� you�ll love it!

�Unique In Ground Pool�= the cellar is flooded and stays that way.

These are just a tiny selection of phrases to watch for. I know all of you must have discovered the fact that there may be a Truth in Advertising Law. There is no law restricting flights of fancy or between the lines. Just remember the blind men describing the elephant...None of them were lying!