Martha And Fred

One thing I've never tried to hide is my cluelessness about the fairer sex. Yet another thing I have tried to be honest about is the fact that I seem to see life a little differently than others do.

Today, on the way to work, I passed a sign I have passed some hundreds of times before. "Adopt A Highway". I was a half mile down the road before it registered in my mind. Do What? Then I saw the follow up sign. "The next five miles has been adopted by Denny's Restuarant".

I still had another twenty minutes to go in my ride to work. For the remainder of my trip..... I tried, but couldn't stop the following scenario from playing out in my mind.

A young married couple is childless. After three years of bickering and gradually having to face the realities of marriage, they are drifting further and further apart. One evening after work, the following conversation takes place.

Martha (wife): "Dear........we need to talk."
Fred (husband): "OK.....So talk!"
Martha: (sitting primly at the dining room table) "Something is lacking in our lives".
Fred: (opening a beer and using the remote to turn on "Cops") "Does this have something to do with me subscribing to Playboy Magazine last week?"
Martha: "Uh.......well.....in a way it DOES!"
Fred: "I KNEW it! Last week, you said OK! Now, you want me to cancel the %$%&*@!#^ thing. RIGHT?"
Martha: "I don't know why I even try to talk reason with you. We need something else in our life and I am going to make it happen."
Fred: "Whoa! Let's start over. Just exactly what do you think we need?"
Martha: (Sitting up straight and squaring her shoulders) "We are going to adopt!"
Fred: (spilling beer on his shirt) "We're gonna do WHAT?"
Martha: "I know I agreed to wait five years before we started a family, but we could still adopt."
Fred (chugaluging rest of beer): "We aren't ready for a child yet. Fer God's sake, we don't even like each other anymore. Why would you want to adopt some kid? That makes less sense than having one of our own!"
Martha: "Not a child, you idiot! A five mile stretch of highway!"
Fred: (opening a second beer and staring disbelievingly at Martha) "You want to do WHAT?"
Martha: "I want us to adopt a highway."
Fred: "Your mother came over today and you both got into the Vin Rose again. RIGHT?" Fred: "OK, OK........(slumping down in chair and switching remote to "America's Most Wanted")............Tell me about adopting a........did you say highway?"
Martha: (leaning forward in her excitement) "We could adopt a highway. It would be almost like adopting a child. We would spend evenings getting it clean for the next day. We stop on the way home and share in creating and raising the most beautiful five miles of highway in California."
Fred: "Do you realize you are giving new meaning to the word "Dingy"?"
Martha: "Do YOU realize how close you are to spending the next six weeks on the couch?"
Fred: (realizing he has gone too far) "OK.....I'm sorry. Maybe you are right. Which stretch of highway did you have in mind?"
Martha: "Wellll..........the really good one's are all taken. I called the Dept. Of Highways this morning. There are some good places in Watts, Compton and East L.A. still left though."
Fred: Are you crazy? You are into interracial now? What kind of chance do we have of raising a Spanish speaking highway? And Watts? You expect me to learn Ebonics?"
Martha: (trying to calm her husband) "We wouldn't have to learn the language. We could teach it ours. Just think of the opportunity. A chance to mold our very own area of Calif. in our image."
Fred: Have you thought about what this will do to our weekends in Big Bear and our trips to Vegas?"
Martha: "Mother could babysit on weekends...and, have YOU thought about what six weeks on the couch is going to be like?"
Fred: "Alright, alright already! I give up. You've already picked out a piece of highway to adopt haven't you? Go ahead and tell me. I can take it! Black, Mexican, Indian, Chineese......I don't care. I can handle it!"
Martha: "Uh..........well......to tell the truth, I adopted one this morning. It isn't in any of the neighborhoods you are making such a fuss over."
Fred: (opening third beer and looking doubtful) "So........where we adopting?"
Martha: "Uh........well.......I DID make the commitment this morning. You know the area between Hollywood Hills and downtown Hollywood? We now are the proud mother and father of a five mile stretch of it".
Fred (spilling the remainder of his third beer): "Are you outta your cotten picking mind? That's the "Swish Alps". That area has more limp wrists than ten dozen bath houses and six episodes of "Fraizer" put together".
Martha: "This is OUR area now. We are going to love and nurture it. No matter what it's sexual orientation might be."
Fred: "You expect ME to stop on the way home from work..........and pick up condoms along side a five mile stretch of highway so all the gay boys in the area can have an aestheticly, pleasing ride to work the morning after?"
Martha: "It's either that or the couch for the next six weeks."
Fred (eyes darting all around the dining room): "Well..............Maybe, I can offer another alternative................."
Martha: "And what might that be, dear?
Fred: "Uh...................Maybe........ah..tonight, we could start a REAL family. No need to wait five years. I've always wanted a son. A daughter would be nice too!"

Martha: "You mean..........?"
Fred: (taking Martha's hand and turning off remote after surfing the channels to make sure no baseball games are on) "Tonight, we start our own family."

Well.............about this time, I pulled into the hospital parking lot. In my head I was still wishing Fred and Martha well. A few minutes later, I was waiting for the elevator on the basement floor when I noticed the sign beside the elevator. "In case of earthquake, take stairs. Do NOT use elevator". On the GROUND floor? What kind of idiot would need a sign to tell him not to take an elevator going UP in the middle of an earthquake? Then, I thought of Martha and Fred.............

Sigh..............it's hard to concentrate when you are surrounded by signs all day. It's even harder when your mind wanders like mine does.

Don't you agree?