Once the snakes had left Ireland the people noticed it was very green and fertile. So they started calling it the �Emerald Isle�. They celebrated it�s snake-free greenery by paying homage to Saint Patrick on March 17. I�ll drink to that! They were in the habit of celebrating anything because it was a bit boring just watching the green grass grow.

They learned how to brew their own beers and liquors. The Guinness family did very well at it and moonshining was truly a �cottage industry�. They turned out some wicked-fine stuff called �Poteen�. Now my personal belief is that Poteen is really Vodka. Think about it� When the potatoes went bad the Irish started leaving the Emerald Isle in droves. The Guinness clan stayed put as they didn�t need potatoes for their liquid magic.

When they got to America, by way of places like Australia and Canada, They brought their customs and celebrations with them. And on March 17,,, EVERY ONE IS IRISH!!!

This is the one day of the year that you know you should wear something GREEN! Or if you want to piss off the Irish Catholics, wear orange. If you want to get the significance of the color Orange, ask an Irish Protestant. But you�ll be hard put to find one until at least March 21 or so.

Don�t wear anything orange when you walk into that Irish Saloon on that day.

If St. Paddy�s day falls on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday it becomes St. Paddy�s WEEK!!! And by March 18 a lot of people are seeing snakes. Also pink elephants and plaid zebras. This phenomenon seems to be inspired by the fuel that keeps the celebration running,,, GREEN BEER!!!

If you�ve never gone to a bar on St. Pat�s day you won�t believe that normally sane people will stand for hours and hours slurping mugs of beer that have been adulterated by food coloring to make it forty shades of green. One of the reasons they stand for hours is THERE IS NO ROOM TO FALL DOWN!!!

At closing time you will notice, as the crowd thins out, loud thudding noises. Now don�t imagine that they got pass-out drunk in the few moments before they hit the floor. They have been comatose for hours but the densely packed crowd didn�t give them enough room to flop out. You may see some Off-Duty Medical People,( E.M.T.�s, nurses, Paramedics, doctors, dentists veternarians) rolling these blissed out lads and lassies so they are lying on their backs. This is done so they don�t drown in the green beer that is on the floor. There is so much foaming , green liquid sloshing on the floor that it looks like a scene from �The Perfect Storm�.

Don�t wear your new spring sandals when you go out bar-hopping. Chest high waders would be perfect and they come in a lovely khaki green !

One of the popular Irish saloons in my area was Morley-Mc Govern�s. It was owned by Owen and Bill and they had enough relatives to staff the bar for St. Paddy�s day and never had to hire extra help. They had �Live Entertainment� on Wednesday. Friday and Saturday nights. The Willie Lynch Trio was the featured band, consisting of Willie, Jimmy Cox and whoever they could coerce into playing either drums, accordion or penny whistles as long as it wasn�t guitar. The bar is gone but the Willie Lynch Trio is still out there playing �Irish Music�. They would get so into it that people named Stryeski, Rodriguez, Corleone, Gorbachev and Hung Ting were clapping and belting out songs like �Give Ireland Back To The Irish�. I remember standing next to a guy who was drinking his green beer and singing �Danny Boy� in what sounded like Swedish! He was great on the melody but the lyrics were lost.

Like the timing of solar eclipses, the day that March 17 falls on the same day the St. Patrtick�s day parade,,, Expect the unusual! At some point you will inevitably hear the sound of bagpipes. These are carried by guys dressed in skirts and wearing knee socks. A lot of them are from the Emerald Society Pipe and Drum band. The PO-LICE!!! Then throw in a couple of firemen who also honk a mean chanter. They have been marching all day and squeezing the bag pipes at 90 miles per hour.

An aisle opens up for them in the sardine can packed celebrants and they march and honk all around the bar. The pipers go at it with �Amazing Grace� No! NOT THE SONG!! Gracie Reilly from North End! She always said the only thing that she liked better than a man in uniform, was a man OUT of uniform!Grace is at her most hospitable and she has always been friendly to a fault. The line forms to the right.

I know some of you are shaking your heads in disgust, �The Irish are not all drunks who swill beer and chase women.� I didn�t say they all are. Just the ones I know. I�m half Irish and on March 17 that half overwhelms the Austrian side. (During October Fest it reverses.)

A lot of places offer Corned Beef & Cabbage on this day. Places that would normally charge you $15 for a bag of stale pretzels will give you a huge plate of it for a paltry sum. The profits, if any, are donated to a good cause. Cause we gotta pay the mortgage, Cause we gotta pay the band, Cause the beer truck guy won�t give us any credit. You know,,, A REALLY GOOD CAUSE!!!

Don�t fill up on the Corned Beef & Cabbage or you may find yourself talking on the porcelain telephone. Green beer creates an indisposition to solid food.

At best, on this day the bartender is looked upon as a sort of altar boy. What he is providing is considered to be of a sacramental value. Rarely will you find a barmaid at the stick. This is because women are not as intimidating to the more outspoken drinkers. When the barmaid refuses to serve you any more it is taken very personally. If a male bartender says �You�re flagged.� Well, flagged you are and get used to it or go someplace else where they don�t know you. (If there is such a place!) When Owen or Bill cut off the supply the rowdiest drunk on earth stopped cold. Neither of these guys were Massively Muscled Steroid Monsters. Just ordinary looking guys with gray hair. But if either one said, �You�ve had enough.� And removed your empty glass? Well, The next place you thought of going was the one where they talked about 12 steps and served only coffee.

The bartenders had a small area to work in and on March 17th there is hardly room to breathe. Imagine, if you will, 6 guys in a bathtub trying to bathe a horse, and a Clydesdale at that! Arms are waving with empty vessels over the bar. Some will order 5 mugs of beer. (4 of them are a back-up.) A few idiots will ask for things like a �Long Island Ice Tea� or a �Harvey Wallbanger�. The big-haired, red-tipped Jersey Girls are famous for that. On This Night You Will Drink Green Beer And Love It! A good bartender doesn�t drink anything on St. Patrick�s day. He is absorbing alcohol through his pores. His hands and arms are becoming a ghastly green just from handling the glasses. He has a heightened perception and always knows which pile of soggy dollar bills to liberate his payment from. He empties the overflowing ashtrays every 30 seconds and wipes up all manner of spills with his bar towel. At the end of this fiesta�HE COUNTS HIS TIPS!!!

Now if the priest can serve you only a small sip of wine and then take up a collection or three, (Pagan Babies, Building Fund, Etc.) remember the bartender gave you a lot more and didn�t take up any extra collections. If you get so blurred that you leave a $20 on the bar and jam a dollar bill in your pocket, Well..? Who got you blurry in the first place? RIGHT!

There is an upsurge in Emergency Room visits on the 18th of March. Seems to be a lot of it going around. Here they come, looking sheepish, embarassed and Yes,, Green around the gills. The Triage nurses see a lot of familiar faces.(They were also doing a pub crawl the night before.) The Urologists are gathered around the corner. They are all smiling and giving each other high fives. They know how to reap the whirlwind and they all own stock in Anheuser-Busch. The Question is asked, �What is your major malfunction?� The patient squirms and mumbles, the Answer, �I�ve been pissing green all day and I think my kidneys died.�

A Happy Saint Patrick�s Day to all and especially to the �Seven old ladies locked in the Lavatory.�