Romantic deception has always been with us. I cannot imagine that it will NOT always be with us. There are simple things both men and women can do to protect themselves from it, however. I already hear those of us who WANT romance and think the deception is a part of it saying, "Awwwwww do I havta?" No. You, nor anyone else, "havta" put on a warm coat when it is -4� either , but I suspect most do-----simply as a matter of self-protection. None of them are a guarantee, but they do help weed out the pathological liars, at least.

First, let's define it. Romantic deception is lying about who you are in order to gain someone�s affection. It may be a lie about availability (married), finances, location, profession, or it may be about intentions. There are other lies in romance, lying about feelings, for instance. This is not about that, but I will say one thing about it. The reason people who lie about feelings get away with it so much is that so many of us want, and NEED, to believe that someone feels that way about us.

Intuition is a GOOD tool to use in those cases. If someone makes you doubt your own instincts, my personal advice would be to run like the wind. I have not always done that. I have always paid dearly for that folly. We tend to idealize and romanticize the sacrifices people make in the name of love. Remember the song My Man by Billie Holliday? ./* "Two or three girls has he, that he likes as well as me, but I love him"....!? ;. *" He beats me, too"!? Come on! Friends, that is total nonsense. Let's stop that with one basic statement of fact that we all surely know is true....LOVE would never want anyone to make those kinds of sacrifices. True love would die and turn into pity toward anyone foolish enough to make that kind of sacrifice. Enough said.

I have been online for 6 years. Almost all of my chatroom time has been spent in two chats. Both are rooms with predominantly older people that are not vulgar, nor as likely to use cursing. I have made some very close friends in those rooms and I treasure them. What I have seen though, is shocking. People, even very smart people, are lonely. They feel, for various reasons, neglected and unappreciated. Some, I hate to say, are simply "on the make". Without judging the actions of others, but only as a warning, I would like to give some brief observations.

I am a female, and mostly it has been females who have confided in me, but I know there are men who have also been victimized online. When I first started learning of cases of romantic deception I was shocked that the cases I knew of personally involved people that I considered to be HIGHLY intelligent people. I didn�t know how that could be. I think now that people who tend to be basically honest are perhaps, the easiest to deceive. They expect others to be honest. They are not naturally suspicious. They have seldom been exposed to people who can and do lie so convincingly in a one on one situation.

People are also vulnerable. They want to believe what the other person is saying, maybe because they need to believe them. In real life, we have many protections beyond what is available to us online. We usually know what type of people a person associates with, we see the places they go and the way they treat children and dogs, etc.

Online, however, anyone can appear in our chats and with few exceptions, our only clues about that person are the language they use and how they interact with others in front of a room full of people. Those criteria are child�s play to almost any romantic deceiver.

One of the reasons many romantic deceivers are so successful is they seduce themselves with their own words. Some of them actually believe their words of love when they say them. They are lonely, too. Some have an ego that constantly must be fed and they often have NO compunctions about the damage and heartbreak they cause others in their efforts to feel wanted and desirable. The problem is, they will need a new victim to feed their ego and odds are that it will be sooner than later.

Many of them always have multiple "affairs" going on at the same time. Their appetite is so voracious they cannot be happy unless there is always someone online to feed them with declarations of love and/or sexual attention. Some are highly educated and fond of what we consider the higher things in life. Art, music, literature, even religion and philosophy. They are charming and almost always say the perfect thing. It is all just part of their "craft" of making people think they are wonderful.

The number of cases that one person can know personally is limited, and yet, I personally know of almost two dozen. Not enough to make me an expert, but certainly enough to alarm most people with speculations about the percentages of incidents that must be occurring.

A dear friend confided in me about a man in one room. I started observing him in the chat. He was indeed a charmer. He was funny, smart, and seemingly a very kind man. Less than two weeks later another friend confided in me about the same man! In the conversation it soon became evident that this man followed a set pattern with women. He used the same words with each of them. He had both of them believing that he was hoping to escape his present marriage and marry them. BOTH of these women were highly educated and were women of unusually high intelligence. Part of that man's ego trip was that it BE intelligent women that he fooled.

When less than another month had gone by and the THIRD woman started confiding in me about their romance, I interrupted her to tell her what he had said to her, in the order he had said it and what he would do next. Her reaction was astounding. She said, and I quote, "Oh, please don�t tell me anything bad about him. I love him." That reaction stunned me then. I would expect it now.

That particular man used to come into the chat room and if only one of his lady loves was in there, he would openly say very romantic things to her, as if he wanted the world to know how he felt about her. One New Years Day, I saw him in the room openly talking to each woman in turn about how he had wanted so badly to spend THAT day with her! Yes, other people saw it and I wondered, the first time it happened, why he felt no one would tell the other "loves of his life". Now, I do not wonder. Now I have seen it too many times.

The fact is, many of us have egos that are starved for appreciation and praise. We may be ill and shut in, we may simply be in situations where we have long been taken for granted, whatever the reason. It seems to be a rare person who is not vulnerable to a romantic deceiver in some ways.

Most of the cases I know of have gone on to real life meetings. There have been 7 divorces and one attempted suicide that I personally know of. The attempted suicide is an invalid for life because of her attempt. She has been in a nursing home for 4 years now. There have been transcripts of private conversations circulated online and others mailed to spouses. The damage has been horrendous.

What do you do to avoid it? I would suggest that one measure would be to tell friends in the chats that know that person and then listen to what they say. It would be nice if people used ethics in their romantic pursuits. I don�t know why they don�t.

In today�s world, there are men and women who have no problem with having an affair with married people. Some even prefer it because they think it keeps them safer. Let them seek each other out. Why lie about your marital situation and deceive a person whose emotional pain at the end may cause untold damage to YOU as well as to themselves?

The simple truth is, many of these people are simply bad people. They don�t consider the effects on others their behavior may cause. Maybe they don�t even care. To some of them you are just another sacrifice on the altar of their ego. Some of them are briefly contrite about your pain, but they are quickly distracted by their search for new victims. Many of them will appear to be genuinely sorry, they believe it themselves, but they go on to repeat the same patterns again. Some react with shock that you took them seriously and will even make statements making their victims feel stupid for ever listening to them in the first place.

Answers? I have none past the common sense we should all use. Be careful. Verify what people say to you. If a person wants to call you at home but won�t receive calls from you, be aware. Ask others about a person�s character or marital situation. Especially read the site below about real-life meetings with someone you only know from online. If both of you are part of a chat group that has bashes, ask if that person attends them. Have any of your friends met them? What do they think of their character? Sometimes online romances are real. Sometimes they go on to long and happy real life relationships. The odds are very high against that though. Very high indeed.

In a recent book by Sally Caldwell, PHD, she outlined six ways to tell if a person was practicing romantic deception. They are:

1. They are secretive, very stingy with info about themselves.

2. They make non-verifiable statements about themselves to give you a distinct sense of knowing what they are like. For example, one might laugh and casually say that they spent way too much money in an exclusive restaurant, but they or someone in their circle loves that type of food so. With that they make you think they have money, they are kind to those around them and that they are sophisticated in their tastes.

3. Many cases of romantic deception appear to be love at first sight. If a person is telling you what they think is wonderful about you when they have simply not known you long enough or well enough to KNOW that, apply some common sense. It would be a case of miraculous perception if a person understood and appreciated your character from a few snippets of conversation.

4. Does your new "love" try to avoid your friends and family? Do they hesitate to show interest in you in front of other people? If you met in a chat room do they take off quickly when certain other people come in? Do they try to control who you talk to about them? 5. Intuition, as mentioned previously is an excellent tool. If you have doubts, address them. Pay CLOSE attention to the other person's reaction when you do. Are they open? Defensive? Do they give you actual information or a lot of soothing reassurances?

6. Many cases of romantic deception involve outlandish claims. Former CIA agents, ex movie stars, war heroes and the like do exist. Not a great many of them, but MAYBE they are real. It is a big red flag though. Check it out.

If you met your new friend on the internet there are some simple and basic rules. Find them at http://aolsvc.health.webmd.aol.com/content/article/1687