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One of the strange rituals handed down to generations of females is called the �Shower�. It involves no water, soap or removal of clothes. It is given for the girl who has reached her goal of snaring a man. One way or another. A bridal shower is usually given shortly before the wedding and there can be more than one. This is where terrorists can learn a lot. If , for instance, the bridesmaids and maid of honor give a bridal shower then the next of kin will want to throw a bigger, better one. The �girls� in the �office� can give a small one usually held in a local bar and give smaller, cheaper gifts. This has become the �Bachellorette Party�. A large amount of alcohol is consumed and the psuedo-Chippendale male dancers will give highly suggestive lap dances to all attending. Looking back to more traditional times I can see the allure of this�HMMM� Yeah! O.K., You have a group of people who were trying to give the most memorable shower. If your aunts and mother and sisters gave the shower in the home of one of the more wealthy family members, say on a Saturday afternoon, his female relations might decide to rise to the challenge by giving one on a Sunday evening in the banquet room of a pricey restaurant or even a hotel. We are talking major bucks here! We can trace this activity back to an antiquated custom called the �Dowry�. In olden days,(No, I don�t mean 1956!) the bride had to deliver some actual goods. Her virginity was not the selling point. That was taken for granted. It was a sort of payment to the groom for taking on this high-maintenance woman. Way, way back it might have livestock or farming implements or even real estate. �Yo Ugh, We give you 2 chickens 1 goat and the pumpkin patch if you take daughter Swampella and make more people to work on cave renovations.� Now this was a good idea because it leveled the playing field and even ugly, nasty women could find a guy who would be willing to take them on if it meant he would never have to work again. Kings were famous for demanding outrageous dowries from prospective bride�s families. And they got it! Many a Royal bailed his country out by marrying wisely. You couldn�t get a home equity loan on a castle back when knights were bold. His only point of sale was she would get to be called �Your Highness�. Of course Henry the VIII screwed that system up nicely. It lightened up with each passing generation and it evened out a little more when the custom of �Engagement Rings� started. For once the groom had to come up with something besides his reputation. The bride was still expected to fork over the many items needed to set up and run a household. (After all, you can�t have too many blenders!) There should be no male involvement in this type of gathering. They usually stay in a pack and go to somewhere they can watch sports, drink beer and have farting contests. The women are the ones who plan, track and execute all the moves needed to have a "Memorable Shower�. Make no mistake, THIS IS A COMPETITION!!! If the bride-to-be is a Southern Belle there is a training manual for bridal showers. Our sisters from Dixie make the Yankees look dull and unimaginative. They tend to have longer engagements in the south so they can set up the boot camp for the event. The actual wedding is anti-climactic. The 45 showers that precede it is where the real action occurs. Get ready, The place for the shower has been selected. Sometimes the Moms and assorted female relatives get together to set the happening up. ( This doesn�t mean there will be only one shower.) Mothers keep lists of whose showers they have been to and the approximate value of the gifts they have given. See this is really retaliation for having to go to other showers and giving gifts that cost a lot because the bride-to-be was the daughter of your cousin�s best friend. You can still cheap it a little for that one. When it is your blood relative getting showered you better go for the gold. There are some factors that have to be looked at closely. If you have gone to all 5 weddings and 25 bridal showers for your cousin Ditzbella because her mother, Your aunt, is your godmother, you can lighten up on the loot. Ditzbella and Aunt Boomer will have to shake the money tree quite vigorously for you. The bride-to-be is completely in the loop for the planning but she can�t talk about it to anyone but her mom..Well�maybe Granma too. This is supposed to be a surprise! Even if she is the one who selected the invitation, decided on which fancy umbrella she wants hanging over her chair and did some heavy hinting on what she expects people to give...SHE KNOWS NOTHING!!! The planning that goes into the �Surprise� would make the C.I.A. faint. Although almost everyone present is totally aware the guest of honor has had full control of this wing-ding, they can never say it out loud. To do so would be shattering the shower code. She will be escorted to the designated area by her almost groom. He will �lure� her there by saying things like �Uh, Uh, We gotta go to this place at three o�clock on Saturday..because, because�.Uh�Your mom said so.� He knows why but has been sworn to act like James Bond,007. She doesn�t let on that this is no surprise to her because guys are just no good at the shower game. I remember two or three showers that were REALLY a surprise! They were planned by women on the groom�s side who were just being beyond sneaky. One of them was held in a large room in the rear of a not very trendy saloon. This worked well because the groom�s relatives owned the place and he spent many happy hours there. His fiancee had already had 3 showers by that time and no one on her side had been told about this one. (That�s what kept it secret.) It was held on a Thursday night, definitely not a peak time. She got home from work and wanted nothing more than to wash her hair, take some Pamprin and eat Godiva Dark Chocolate ice cream while watching Survivor. He convinced her he was only stopping by there to pick up his winnings from the dart contest. Only take 5 minutes. She whined, bitched, groused and mumbled. Threw on some paint stained, slightly ripped sweats. No bra. Rubber flip-flops. Pulled her hair back with a �skrunchie� so her obviously dark roots were spotlighted�.no make-up. She looked like a collage of every �before� picture you see on those 2:00 AM info-mercials. He didn�t have a clue this was not a good idea. She follows him into the darkened back room, spewing complaints like tidal waves; �Why do you have to chase your family for your own money? Are they so greedy that they think you forgot about it? Your mother hates me for not being Italian.� At this point someone flips the lights on. There stands the bride- to-be looking like she just crawled out of a dumpster. Fifty women yell, �SURPRISE!!!� They are aged 15 to 95 and dressed to the �nines� and every hair is perfect. They are all smiling as if they had wedged coat hangers in their mouths. The bride screams and looks around to see her soon to be mother-in-law who is REALLY smiling! Like a great, white shark with fresh bleeding meat dropped in front of it. That was one of the best showers I ever attended. It took five years and one grandson before the mother-in-law could say a word to her daughter-in-law without spitting on the floor. The only ways to avoid this happening to you are: NEVER go anywhere with your fiance. Wash hair and face at 3:00 A.M. but put make-up on before you go back to bed. If it happens anyway, Throw up and faint. If you are lucky, someone will call 9-1-1 and you can lay around the emergency room for 6 to 8 hours. Alrighty then, Here we are and she has entered the room. She sees herds of women seated at beautifully decorated tables. There is a chair by itself with a fancy umbrella hanging over it all fancied up with bows, flowers, lace ruffles and ribbons. This is her Throne. She will gasp with �Surprise�, clench her hands together and say: �OH MY GOD!!! You gave me such a SHOCK!!� (The really good ones can even turn on the tears.) Then she takes her seat after slobbering about how gorgeous everything looks and how much work must have gone into it. No one knows it better than she does. After eating a bit, drinking a bit comes plunder and pillage time. Sitting in her lacy, ribboned throne with the equally ostentatious umbrella over it, she is handed gifts by someone who is usually in the bridal party. I think the reason for this is certain gifts of a questionable nature like, battery operated sex toys, edible panties, etc..can be quickly put to one side rather than handed around to be admired by the herd. If one of the guests is a missionary nun you don�t want her to ask about the fruit flavored condoms and the strawberry love gel. (You find out later she�s the one who gave it.) There are some upscale, high-tech lassies who create a web site to let people know exactly what they expect to get. That does take some of the mystery out of a �Surprise� shower but at least she won�t have to try to exchange 3 toasters, 6 blenders and a set of twin size sheets. And then there�s the sound track. As each gift is opened there is a verbal response. It reminds you of a church service but instead of �Amen! Praise the Lord! Jesus have mercy!� you get �AAHHH! OOHHH! UUHHH! And �WOO-HOO!!� Let�s look at the meaning of this.: AAHHH! Is usually for expensive or very foofey items. Like Egyptian Cotton sheets with hand made Belgian lace edges or Antique Satin toilet seats OOHHH! Is for medium priced objects or ones that are Essentially useless. Good towels in strange colors or the life sized plaster goose statue that comes with outfits to put on it for different holidays. (YES!! I SWEAR IT�S REAL!) UUHHH! Is those gifts from Wal-Mart, K-Mart or National Wholesale Liquidators. There are always a few things that were given to the person who is now presenting it to the bride-to-be. Like that snappy bedspread in black velvet with Elvis painted on it and the pillow shams shaped like guitars. The Mom recognizes it right away! She got it from her sister, Aunt Boomer. And 22 years later she gave it to her niece Ditzbella for her third or fourth wedding. The bride is very excited by this particular gift� She saw it on e-bay selling for $5,000. Even the Uuhhh level gifts can be welcome. WOO-HOO! gifts are those which suggest some sort of lewd and lascivious behavior. The G-string with the bunny rabbit head and matching pasties are a Woo-Hoo. Strawberry Love Gel and fruit flavored condoms?�Also Woo-Hoo. The white lace negligee set IS NOT A WOO-HOO!! It is to suggest a virgin sacrifice.(Yeah,,Right.) and therefore rates an AAHHH! If it is not made of see-through material it indicates the bride�s mom does not approve of her future son-in-law. ( We won�t belabor the fact that the couple has been living together since their third date.) If it�s from the groom�s mom and it�s made of leather, chains and brass studs and a pair of thigh length boots with matching whips.....The Honeymoon may reveal certain issues not previously discussed by the happy couple. The gifts are passed hand to hand and the herd can price them quicker than those experts on the Antiques Road Show. The grandmas are getting into heated discussions about how they had to churn their own butter and grow the wheat for home baked bread. It sounds as though they came over on the Mayflower. Or maybe they just swam behind it. Every fourth sentence starts with �We were so poor then I had to _____ _____ _____ ____� (Fill in the blanks) The moms are also comparing beginner�s meat loaf recipes but they are not doing the �We were so poor�thing. They are comparing the quality of ground beef from the Gourmet Butcher to the King�s Speciality Meats. The bride�s peers are making lists of which micro-brew beer goes best with take-out chinese or Domino�s Pizza. The only thing the bride knows how to make for dinner is reservations. She moves from table to table thanking people she has never seen before for gifts she has no use for. Here is where it gets weird. The people who have been helping her unwrap the gifts are wading through a pile of wrapping paper and gathering all the bows and fancy package decorations. They are being attached to a paper plate. ( Never use the real china plates for reasons that will become obvious.) The longer pieces of ribbon are tied together and rolled into a ball. The slightly impaired bride-to-be, (O.K., Drunk as a skunk.) is assisted back to her chair and a paper plate with the bows, flowers, stuffed doves, etc. is tied to her head. WHY? DUNNO� The best answer I ever got was , � We always do that.� Every one cheers and applauds, probably from relief that they aren�t the one who�s getting the $65 hairdo smashed down by a plate full of bows. The long line of ribbon pieces is handed around and unrolled. I have heard that it is only for the single girls. I have also heard it is only for married women. And then again I was told it should be only widows and divorcees depending on who I asked. Anyway, the one who gets the end of the ribbon line is supposed to be getting lucky in some way. No one could give me a direct answer for that one either. I have a feeling this custom may pre-date civilization. Whoever got the end of the vine rope was then tied up with it and given as a virgin sacrifice to the goddess of reproduction or possibly she was given to the guys who were doing the catering. �YO, Tarzan!! You win Jane!!� Someone was getting lucky. We are NOT going to discuss the combination Bridal/Baby shower. This is becoming more popular as the need for a wedding can be delayed until all the paternity tests are in. In my family, we have always tried to have some of the nicest maternity wedding dresses in varying shades of way-off white. The heirloom shotgun is kept in pristine condition and hardly ever fired. My father commented on a discrepancy of �June Bride� and September Mommy. He said, �Everyone knows the first baby can come anytime. It�s the rest of them that take nine months.� Dad was a man way ahead of his time. So were his grandchildren.
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