I'm in a dither this evening and have been most of the day. The problem is that I can't think of a poem to put on the Valentine's Day card I always make for Frank. You know, Frank. He's my hubby. You met him one time at the supermarket when you came to buy a pomegrante. I don't mean to be nosy, but do you do your own cooking? Do you ever invite guests for dinner and do the cooking? I bet you have a maid who does your cleaning and cooking. Do you have a maid, Father Gregory?

Okay, so I'll get back to the reason for my e-mail, which is the dilemma I'm in because I can't think of a poem good enough for Frank. Sure I could make one up...one that starts out with "Roses are red, violets are blue." But I want something more personal and original. Anyone can write a "Roses are red, Violets are blue poem".

One thing I always try and remember when I compose Frank's poem is that he doesn't like mush. You know what I mean? I mean he doesn't like for me to lay on the heavy romantic stuff. Unfortunately, what he doesn't like what I like but that isn't here nor there. I often wish he would make up romantic poems for ME, but (sigh) he never does, because 'romantic' to him means a good meal and a piece of homemade apple pie. Someone sure knew what they were talking about when they said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. The problem is, I haven't gotten to his heart yet because what I've discovered during our 34 years of marriage is that Frank is all stomach.

Well, enough of that so it's back to the issue at hand. Okay? You still with me, Father Gregory? How about this for a start: "Love Means The Two Of Us". Do you think that's too mushy? Or maybe "Two Hearts Entwined". Is that better? Maybe though, that would be a better title for his Anniversary Day poem.

Do you see what I mean, Father Gregory? Writing an appropriate poem for Frank's Valentine's card isn't easy for me. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if it might not be a good idea if I bought him a box of chocolates this year and let it go at that. What do you think? If you had a spouse...of course I know you don't have a spouse....but if you did, do you think she'd be offended if all she got was a box of chocolates?

I hope you don't take too long to answer my e-mail Father Gregory because if you nix the chocolates, I'll have to come up with a poem, and time is short.

Sincerely Yours, Marci

Dear Marci,

At first I thought of writing a poem for you, and made several attempts, some of which were plagiarized and some merely stolen. For instance:

"Roses are red Violets are purple Sugar is sweet So�s myrply syrple."

And: "Valentine comes but once a year. I am not sure how Mrs. Valentine feels about that".

But after giving it considerable thought, I realized that if you give a Marci a poem she will be able to rhyme one tyme, but if you teach her to write poems, she will be able to bother other people the rest of her life! As a matter fact, she will go to sleep at night, and wake up in the morning, running to her desk and writing a poem without any further thought! (Going from bed to verse, so to speak). All you have to do is put a word at the end of a sentence and then a word at the end of another sentence that sounds something like the word at the end of the first sentence.

As to the chocolates, the answer is an unqualified "Yes" and "No." Further, in answer to your other question, as to the cooking and cleaning, I do do my own cooking, and I do do my own cleaning, and I do do my own do do.

A trite title such as either of those you suggest -- "Love Means the Two of Us" or "Two Hearts Entwined" does not take into account the possibility of a menage a trois, which I believe is French for managing the household, and might be very important to your husband�s future happiness.

Yours in the Muse, Father Gregory

Dear Anal Retentive,

What we have here is the age old dilemma of how to reconcile differences between men and women.

To begin with, what exactly is a Valentine's Day and when does this ridiculous occurance take place? Men have no idea and having lived with someone for 37 years certainly doesn't make them any more inclined to recall days like this.

Maybe if you had only lived together for six weeks, your hubby would be more attentive to things like this. Perhaps then, he would even remember the color of your eyes and dumb stuff like that if he thought it might help him in talking you into bed for the third time that day. After 37 years of marriage, he is only interested in 'what's for dinner?'

You ask my advice about various possible bits of poetry. I can state with certainty that "Two hearts intertwined" will preclude the need for cooking dinner that night. After reading that, he will be much too nauseous to even think about food.

How about a nice limerick? Men like limericks. Maybe something like "There was an old lady from Deluth who suffered from a sweet tooth

Until one day, she was heard to say........

Nah! Better forget that one. This IS a family newspaper.

You say you've been married for 37 years? OK..............If you insist on poetry, what I would suggest is something like this: "Roses are red, violets are blue remember me? I'm married to you."

I suggest you hand carry this to him because, if you just leave it somewhere, he will pick it up, read it, and will have no idea who it's from.

I hope the above is helpful and I wish you a happy whatever that holiday is that you are yammering on about.

Sheeeesh

Sincerely yours,

Father Gregory