Long, long ago, not too long after I first got divorced, I received a phone call from my youngest daughter. "Dad" she said "How about I fix you a special dinner for your birthday? Could you be here on the twenty sixth?" I assured her I could and sort of forgot the matter for a week or so. She called back three days before my birthday. "Hi, dad" she said. "I invited mom (my ex wife) too. I hope that won't be a problem. Oh, and mom is bringing a date. I've met him and he is one bodacious, studpuppy."

Well, you can imagine how chargrined I was to hear my daughter using language like that. "Bodacious, studpuppy" indeed. And her not yet even thirty. "Dad, why don't you bring a date too and we can make it a real party?" The question caught me so completely off guard that I felt kinda like a NFL quarterback must feel when 'Mean, Joe Green' comes outta nowhere and puts his lights out. I said "OK" and hung up the phone.

I was sitting there thinkin' fond thoughts about my daughter when it finally dawned on me. I didn't have the female equivalant of a 'studpuppy' to take to a dinner. I wasn't dating anyone at all at the time. My ex wife is ten years younger than I and was still a beautiful woman when I had divorced her a few years earlier. According to my daughter, she was even more beautiful now. I had no doubt my daughter was right when she described her mother's date.

I sat there pondering for quite some time before I finally came up with the answer. I would have to hire a date for this dinner. No way was I gonna let my ex sit across a dinner table and smirk at me while she nibbled on some studpuppy's ear all evening. I dug out my telephone book and looked under the "E"s for Escort services.

A-1 Escort Service was right there at the top of the page. Thirty seconds later, I was talking with the owner.

A-1: "A-1, what can I do for you?"

Loyal: "Uh-----------I want to rent a woman."

A-1: "I beg your pardon."

Loyal: "A woman. You know, the equilavant of a bodacious, studpuppy." A-1: "A bow what?"

Loyal: My daughter is fixing a whole ham for dinner and she's cooking lima beans too."

A-1: "Are you sure you have the right number?"

Loyal: "You don't rent women for dinner?"

A-1: You wish to engage one of our escorts for an evening?" Loyal: "God, no. I'm not interested in getting engaged. I just want a woman to nibble on my ear during dinner so my ex won't be able to smirk while I'm cutting the ham."

A-1: "Is this Roger Clinton? I told you the last time, Roger. One more dumb prank like this and that's it."

Phone goes dead and sound of "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" in my ear.

I sat there for about thirty seconds just looking at the phone and trying to figure what I had done wrong. I looked back at the Yellow Pages and saw that Bottoms Up was the next escort service listed. I dialed BU's number.

BU: Bottoms Up, can we help you?"

Loyal: You rent women, right?"

BU: "Ahh, we provide escorts for discerning men."

Loyal: "Uh----------what kind of men did you say?"

BU: "You wish a lady for an evening?"

Loyal: "How much to rent one for---------say four hours?"

BU: "Twelve hundred dollars."

Loyal: "WHAT?????????" ARE YOU CRAZY????"

BU: "You needn't yell, sir. Negotiations should never be conducted in a loud voice."

Loyal: "Lady, I just need a woman for four hours to nibble on my ear and pretend I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's just a little acting gig, not the part of Lady McBeth, fer God's sake." BU: "Sliced bread?"

Loyal: "For a ham dinner-------with lima beans."

BU: "Lima beans?"

Loyal: "Are all your women the same price?"

BU: "Of course not. It depends on the service they are going to be performing and what you require in terms of looks, age and-------uh----the services you require."

Loyal: Jewish probably isn't good. You know, with the ham and all?"

BU: "I've stopped recording this conversation. No way you can be a cop."

Loyal: "Of course I'm not a cop. I'm just a guy that needs a woman for four hours to impress his ex wife while we eat a ham and lima bean dinner. Why is that so hard to understand?"

BU: "I understand now, sir. I think we have exactly what you want. The young lady is twenty one years old and is--------how can I put this? She is accomplished, both in and out of the bedroom." BU: "Twelve hundred dollars"

Loyal: "WHAT!!!!!!!!"

BU: "Please, sir. I asked you not to yell into the phone that way." Loyal: "I'm sorry. How much for an older woman? I really don't want a twenty one year old one anyways. Say one in her late thirties or early forties? Fifties might even be ok"

BU: We do have one newly hired escort who's forty three years old. She's recently divorced and is absolutely gorgeous, if I do say so myself."

Loyal: "How much?"

BU: "Four hundred dollars for the evening."

Loyal: "WHAT?"

BU: "Sir, I'm going to hang up if you yell at me one more time." Loyal: "Listen, I'm sorry. Don't you have any women cheaper than four hundred dollars?"

BU: No, sir. That's as low as we go."

Loyal: "How about an ugly woman? Doncha' have any ugly women? An ugly woman would be cheaper, right?"

BU: 'click' Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I called my daughter and told her I had just gotten an invitation to spend my birthday with a bodacious lookin' stripper in Las Vegas.

My daughter sent me a COD package of ham and lima beans. I had to give the FedEx guy a check for nine dollars.

I still don't know what bodacious means. I ain't sure what a studpuppy is neither.

� Loyal ([email protected])