News updates page.
You may not see these reports on the news but thats only because the TV sucks.
Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing

WASHINGTON, DC National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Tuesday that she is "extremely distressed" that her lunch is missing from the White House break-room refrigerator. "I'm not going to ask twice: Who ate my turkey-and-avocado sandwich?" Rice asked Cabinet members. "My name was written right on it 'C. Rice' in thick, red magic marker, so don't tell me it was an accident." Rice vowed that she will make whoever ate the sandwich buy her a whole new lunch.
Jesus signs bible in hopes of raising alcohol awareness.

DOVER, NH- Jesus just recently rose from death� again and this time he has much to do. He is starting a six month campaign touring the US and other parts of the world to raise alcohol awareness. "I just want to educate youths about the dangers of alcohol." Jesus said in an interview with Crab Bloke. Jesus recalls his painful childhood full of domestic abuse. "God would
come home after  spending a little too much time at the Black Clover, a small bar located on the end of Klenmont Street. It was at this time when things would get out of hand." Jesus said getting a little teary eyed. "Mom would try to calm him down but it would only frustrate him more." And it is this hysteria which has led to god beating his wife. "No one should suffer threw this, and that's why I'm raising awareness about the danger. I've decided to start my campaign at Dover High School signing Bibles during all lunch periods except periods. Expect period 8."
When I asked why not during period 8, Jesus started to get upset and did not answer. This got me curious so after period 7 I followed behind Jesus. He walked into the boy's bathroom and opened a bottle of Captain Morgan. When I came up and confronted him while He was drinking he shouted "WOE UNTO THEE!" and then he vanished.
Later that day Jesus told me not to report anything I saw so I agreed and then he continued on his tour. He will be in El Banco New York on Wednesday and I'm not sure where from there. If you want to get your own bible signed by Jesus I would recommend you hurry to El Banco before he leaves.
Pirates can kill anyone they want!
Pirates cut off heads ALL the time and don't even think twice about it.  These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time.  I heard that there was this Pirate who was eating at a diner.  And when some dude dropped a spoon the pirtate killed the whole town.  My friend Ezekial said that he saw a pirate totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.
Facts:
1.    Pirates are mammals.
2.    Pirates fight ALL the time.
3.    The purpose of the pirate is to flip out and kill people.
4.    Pirates dont like Mr. Ely
homeward bound
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