You know, when I get depressed, I like to imagine a special corner of hell reserved for the creators of Xanga.com. A place constantly blinking with animated GIFs, where bad Real Audio versions of Hawthorne Heights are always playing and those dirtbags who created it are constantly tormented by vicious emoticons.
Sick? Maybe. But I can't restrain my hatred of Xanga, where horrible personalities and low IQs crash headlong into each other to create the worst web journals imaginable. And thus we introduce the new CCJ feature Xamining Xangas, where we dredge up the worst of the site for your enjoyment. Let's go, shall we?
anarchist_0666First up is anarchist_0666, aka "Mike DUffMUff," a heaping helping of anarchism stuffed into a gawky 15-year-old frame. Mike's interests are listed as, "I like fire. ALOT. and Power tools. and bombs. anything dangerous or illegal." So he's one of those anarchists -- the kind who express their philosophical views by breaking the electronics at Wal-Mart and arguing with the security guards at the mini-golf course.
Attaboy, Mike. You just proved why anarchy doesn't work. Genuine anarchists believe in a communal, mutually beneficial society without government or an organized economy. Such an arrangement requires outstanding maturity on the part of the participants.
Mike demonstrates very effectively what happens to unstructured societies: they go straight to shit. His friends begin to call each other "poser" and "gay," and the girls leave his clique for "some new fuckers," in-fighting in the group becomes more severe and "all this shit just finally collapesed [sic] and now everyone hates everyone." If he could spell, this could probably make it into a sociology textbook.
This weepy little tirade offers more evidence that we're not ready for anarchy. In an anarchist society, Mike would be the one hoarding food and pissing in the water supply "becuz nobody can tell me not to!!!! yay anarcky!!!!!"
Wicca_Magick001Wicca_Magick001 shows again how the 15-year-old mind can make a bad idea even worse. I think regular Wiccans are bad enough; see The Daily Ficus for my views on that. But the teen version... well, see for yourself.
Think about it for a moment. This girl wants us to believe she can perform magic; and yet, she's gullible and superstitious enough to post a chain letter. Kind of sends the wrong message, doesn't it?
According to her obscenely large collection of Internet quizzes, she's the color red, dragon wings, the Tiger, the element of Chaos, "definetly a witch," like a fairy, the wind, a "SWEET TEEN!!!," a "fairly evil egyptian spirit," The Hermit, Sexy Barby, and Suicidal Care Bear. How informative!
Spellbinding as her journal is, let's move on and see what else Xanga has to offer.
IntelectualPoetThe name says it all. Look out, world, this kid is a bona fide poet and intelectual!
If you're feeling seriously emo-deprived or you're craving a massive headache, the poetry should provide all the plodding self-pity you need. Otherwise, stay away.
That's all for this time. Next time we'll be back to X-plore more X-tremely bad Xangas.