There's something boring and mindless lurking in your Sunday paper, and we're not talking about an interview with Ashlee Simpson. Perfect for lining your birdcage, it's the CCJ version of...

Muggins Daily Times

JULY 23-24, 2005
usaweakened.com




Beating Spousal Abuse

Fight Diabetes With Diabetes

Page After Page Of Vacuous Filler

A large, splashy photo
that has nothing to do
with the articles inside


Whose News? by Lotta Lynching
Q. My wife and I love watching ABC's new show, Supernanny. We think it's the best reality show of the season. When will hit sitcom Roseanne come out on DVD?
JIM SMITH, Meningitis, VA
The first season DVD will be out by late summer. Daughter Brandi and niece Melissa will sing on her first children's project, Sing Or I Will Gnaw Your Leg Off, due in stores next month.

 Q. I heard a rumor lately that popular funny man Bill Cosby and celebrity "It" girl Hillary Duff were related, but found out it was not true. Can you name some other celebrities who are not related?
IRMA BATEMAN, Old Syringe Beach, NJ
Wow, what a suspiciously convenient question for us to answer! USA Weakened's new book, Celebrities Who Aren't Related, just hit shelves! Sneak preview: outlaw country crooner Willie Nelson and busy actress Scarlett Johansson aren't related at all! Get your copy today!
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    TIPS TO FIX UP YOUR OLD HOUSE
    Even America's top home renovators learned new lessons on a huge recent project. Too bad we didn't ask them to help with this article.

    "Let's just have a look-see..."
     By elderly handyman Tim Bartlett

    Well, I'll just have a quick look around... Yep, haven't been in here since old Phil Turkin died. Used to live here, that's right. Had the gout something terrible...

    Say, I don't suppose you folks have had this tile checked out. Mm. I'm not liking this. Haven't never seen grout rot like that, and I've been working since '57.

    This'd be old Phil's work right here. Always on the cheap side, if you asked me. This outlet's fit to bust. Someone's bound to get electercuted if you don't check that out.

    Looks like you got some termite damage here, is what it looks like. Might want to get that checked out, I'd say. 'Course, I'm no carpenter. Let's take a look at that plumbing. I hear Phil tried to put it in hisself, near 'bout brought down a wall...

    Helpful Hint
    Old houses burn down, you know. Sure, happens all the time. No one's going to blame you or anything. And that insurance money comes in handy... You didn't hear this from us.

    "Help! I'm pinned under this drywall!"
    By injured carpenter Sherman Cook

    Help! Someone! I was cutting out a 4'x8' panel to make a classy divider between these rooms and it fell on me! I can't feel my legs!

    Say, if this sheet of drywall wasn't slowly crushing the circulation out of my legs, we could paint it with colorful lacquer for an oriental feel. That would be great with some brass hardware from the flea market. But my feet are turning blue! Someone help!

    Maybe if I could get some morphine for this horrible crushing pain we could get to work bolting on a convenient shelving unit. Is anyone home?!

    Or, we could go retro and put up some wood paneling. There's this mahogany stain on sale at Home Depot I love to use. Help! Why can't anyone hear me? Someone!

    "Say, that's strange,"
    By suspicious local Trish Brown

    Surprised to see they sold the old Turkin house. What do I mean? Oh, nothing. It's just a story. Urban legend, really.

    What? It's really nothing. I'm sure if it was really built over an ancient Indian burial ground, they would have told you.

    And don't listen if anyone starts talking about a curse. It's an old-wives' tale.

    Say, you haven't heard any sounds from the basement, have you? Like a bumping around? Chains rattling, maybe?

    Any screaming?

    Oh, don't sweat it. They never found any bodies, anyway.



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    Obesity link to eating a lot
    With our country facing an obesity epidemic, scientists are racing to find the cause. New evidence points to overeating.

    • Clancy Community College research suggests that eating too much of items like chips, ice cream, and even cake led to weight gain in 95% of test subjects. Possible reason: food leads to fat build-up.
    • Further research seems to indicate that a lack of exercise could also play a role.
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