So you're getting braces. I'm sure you're feeling worried... anxious... perhaps even a little scared. But don't worry--with the right knowledge, getting braces can be an exciting--even fun--experience. "Really?" you ask. No. I lied.
But that doesn't mean it has to be frightening, either. We'll give you all the knowledge you need to enjoy your braces...and maybe even have some fun along the way. "Really?" No, another lie.
The orthodontist is just like your dentist...except instead of cleaning and treating your teeth, he pulls and bends them out of shape. Why? A common question, and one we'll address very soon. Anyway, if you're getting braces, the first important step is to pick a good orthodontist. This doesn't have to be as hard as it seems...but you do have to do your homework. Why? Because I said so. And stop slouching.
Signs of a bad orthodontist:- Operates out of a van or behind a Chinese restaurant
- Cackles while rubbing his hands together and eyeing your teeth greedily
- Only equipment are a Dremel tool and a Saws-All™
- Has a video of Marathon Man playing in the waiting room
- Wears patients' molars as cufflinks
If you notice these signs in your orthodontist, he or she might not be right for you.
Like a Doctor's Hippocratic Oath, an orthodontist must also take an oath. The rules include:
- I promise to arrange sharp instruments in front of the patient and give them sinister-sounding names.
- I promise to place a tongue retractor, ten cotton balls, and dental forceps in my patient's mouth before attempting to make small talk.
- I promise to never divulge exactly when I plan to remove a patient's braces; should the question come up, I will mutter, "Well, we'll see when the time comes, won't we?"
Like your hair, eye color, fingerprints, and favorite meat, your teeth are part of who you are--one of the things that make you, you.
And your teeth are terrible.
Just ask an orthodontist. No matter who you are, how old you are, or where you come from, your teeth are disgustingly out of line, bent, and misshapen. That's not even the worst of it. They will continue to grow worse throughout your life. You will end up looking like Hugh Grant...but unlike the famous actor, you won't be cast in romance movies because you do not have a charming accent. You will become an insurance claims adjustor and live out the rest of your snaggle-toothed life in misery.
But don't worry yet--there's still hope, you buck-toothed, slack-jawed disaster! That's what orthodontists are for!
A trip to the orthodontist's is like a trip to any other doctor's. There's no need to be afraid, unless there are snipers or ninjas or vicious bobcats, which are all uncommon.
You should arrive early for your appointment, to provide ample time to listen to the pitiful screams and pleas of the patients before you. It is also courteous to the orthodontist and his staff. You will wait for an average of 1 hour, 15 minutes, during which time you can read outdated copies of Southern Bass Fishing and Talk Shows Today, or count the ceiling tiles (147, not counting the funny-shaped one next to the heating duct).
You will eventually be called in for your appointment. The orthodontist may want x-rays first; if not, you will have a seat in the chair. He will insert his gloved hand into your mouth, prod your teeth, then announce, "Well, let's give it another couple of months, shall we?" You will then be billed approximately 250 dollars.
Well, hey--that first appointment wasn't so bad, was it? It's the later ones you have to worry about.
The Orthodontist's EquipmentYour braces are a complex arrangement of ligatures and brackets, which to a normal person look like wires and rubber bands. However, because wires and rubber bands are about $0.05 at Wal-Mart, it's a lot easier for the orthodontist to make up names.
These parts make up your braces. According to your orthodontist, they may be "a little sore" for a few days. This means that they will be excruciatingly painful for at least a week, during which time you cannot chew and will eat a ridiculous amount of Jell-O.
After this time, there are a number of rules you must follow for your braces. They may take some getting used to, but they will eventually become part of your daily routine.
- Avoid hard or crunchy foods, as these might break ligatures or brackets.
- Avoid soft or chewy foods, as these might become stuck in ligatures or brackets.
- Avoid food altogether while wearing braces; however, as you may have them for two years or more, this may be impractical.
- Ignore the horrible rending pain caused by tightening sessions; this is common and usually temporary.
- If teeth begin to shatter, retract into the mouth, or grow, these are normal effects of braces and should be disregarded.
- Is it safe? ... Is it safe? It is your choice... pleasure... or pain...
- Your braces may become stuck on an object. If so, HA HA! Everyone come look! His braces are caught on his shirt! Ha, loser.
If your time in braces is successful, you'll have straightened teeth and you'll be free from them! However, you'll need a retainer to hold all the expensive dental work in place...bleaching to whiten your newly straight teeth...and extractions to remove troublesome teeth that are still crooked! You have lots of years of orthodontics ahead! Good luck!
