Online journals, diaries, and blogs are exploding onto the Internet faster than ever! And with a little bit of work, your journal or blog can be attractive, interesting, and popular.
But who wants that? Why not create a clumsy, boring, unreadable mess? It's a lot easier, and millions of bloggers can't be wrong! So join CCJ as we dissect the typical blog and help you along your way.
Pop quiz: Which of these is better?
Obviously, choice one is easy to read, doesn't strain your eyes, and still gives you a little room for creativity. So, of course, the correct answer is choice two. Who wants readable text? Make a statement with tiny, squiggly fonts and non-contrasting colors. And pwN the readorxz with cr4zy h4x0rz speak!!! With any luck, your readers' computers won't be able to handle the formatting! Now you're thinking like a real blogger. Another pop quiz -- let's see how much you've learned:
If you answered #2, you're doing well. Continue on to the next lesson.
Your biggest ally in creating a terrible blog is your bad poetry. Cultivate poor word choices, spastic rhythms, and pessimistic sentiments, and you'll go far in the online world! We'll let you in on a little trick of the trade:
Now, let's try a little, keeping in mind the previous lesson on formatting:
My blood flows out like red paint
I feel all of the pain inside of my body
Like red paint only there's more of it.
And it hurts
A lot
Good work! Note the bad rhyme between "brain" and "paint," the pointless repetition of the red-paint phrase, and the sudden switch to free verse. Remember: content doesn't matter -- as long as there's no punctuation, it's poetry! Of course, there's room for improvement. See how bad you can make yours.
The inside joke is an art that has been refined for centuries. Many people can produce mediocre inside jokes, but only a select few can make it truly obnoxious and inappropriate. A proper inside joke will only be funny to two, or at the most three, other people, and make the rest feel excluded. Here's a good example:
Pay close attention to the conspicuous overuse of capital letters, exclamation points, and abbreviations. Using three or four inside jokes in a row is a perfect way to baffle and alienate your readers. With practice, you can offend all your friends in just a paragraph or two! Remember, even if no one else thinks "that time at the mall" was funny, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't mention it!
Practitioners of blogging and online journal keeping are very familiar with this skill. By listing every tiny disappointment and grievance in your life, you can gain sympathy or annoy in just a few sentences. It's easy! Check out an example:
This is a great example. It never lets up on its depressed tone, except for a heavy dose of bitter sarcasm. Try combining it with bad poetry (see Chapter Two) for a great "one-two punch" of bad blogging. These entries will bring in loads of sympathetic comments -- use them at least once a week for full effect!
The opposite of the inside joke, the personal attack is ranting at one person about a real or imagined wrongdoing. These are extremely popular, and one of your most effective tools in creating a bad blog.
This is a fantastic example of a personal attack. Punctuation and spelling have been completely ignored in an outburst of rage. It's more incoherent than Ozzy Osbourne and angrier than Mike Tyson. A great way to blow up a small conflict into a long-running, personal vendetta!
- LOL -- Laughing Out Loud
- ROFL -- Rolling On the Floor, Laughing
- IDOABAFL -- In Danger Of A Brain Aneurysm From Laughing
- SBFASI -- Substituting Blogging For Any Social Interaction
- DTFC -- Desperately Trolling For Compliments
- BPOMCFMNCPCU -- Blurry Photos Of My Cats From My New Camera Phone Coming Up
Hopefully, these five lessons have prepared you well. Soon, you'll be blathering on about your great breakfast or gallbladder surgery, posting Photoshopped images of yourself looking thoughtful, and misquoting lyrics every day! Good luck, and happy blogging!
