Annual Travel Guide, 2005
Letters like this one pour into the Clancy Beach Chamber of Commerce every day. Just ask our visitors: the 2002 poll showed that they resoundingly found the town "Mediocre to Adequate!" Why not find out what all the hype is about -- come to Clancy Beach this summer season!
--Dan Smithers, Mayor
Special Advertising Section
 Unlicensed Beach Houses! Allow us to pass on the savings to you by circumventing state regulations! Sandpiper's Carcass -- 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, collapsing roof, dangerously eroded foundation -- $300/wk! Sailor's Nightmare -- BARGAIN BLOWOUT! (Please sign waiver upon payment) -- $119/wk!! 15 Sand Dollar Drive -- (266) 555-4911 "Arrgh-thentic Pirate Grub Since 1971" Battered and fried onion and pepper segments Arrgh-Licious Pieces of Eight.........$4.95 Golden-brown crab cakes, seasoned with dill and cracked pepper Yo-Ho-Ho Pirate Planks.........$2.95 Specially seasoned potato wedges with southwest ranch dip French Fries..........$21.99 An appetizer that isn't embarrassing to order 448 Market Street • 555-1834 | |
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Why Take High-Priced Tour Buses And Trolleys? Try the Clancy Beach Metro Bus! Ride with the town's vagrants and petty criminals for pennies on the dollar! Enjoy the peace and quiet of our dark, secluded stops. 75% return rate on stolen valuables. Clancy Beach Metro ♦ 555-3366 |
Memphis Baby Back Ribs......................$10.95 Choice Tofu slabs, mesquite-smoked over coals and basted in our own spicy sauce. Southern Carrot Brisket.......................$12.50 Shredded prime carrot meat, on a fresh bun in North Carolina barbeque sauce Remember: Pork=Torture!™ 9 Cessna Blvd. 555-9220 |
Activities Calendar
54th Annual Gravel Festival
August 11 - 20
For over 50 years, Wanamaker Industries was a fixture in Clancy Beach. Their gravel crushing plant employed over 90% of the town's working population as unskilled laborers, until the company's sudden bankruptcy and the closing of the plant in 1971. The annual Gravel Festival keeps the tradition alive, with a thrilling parade, games, and much more. Pick up a liability waiver and enjoy the Slip 'n' Slide Water Ride at the abandoned quarry -- you will get wet! Pose for pictures with the unstable ruins of Crushing Machine #4! Wince at the re-enactment of the street fights and looting that followed the plant closing. If Harold, our lovable town schizophrenic, has a flashback and tries to shoot up the Korean grocery, it means another year of good luck! Nine days of wholesome fun for the whole family.
Beach Clean-Up Week
September 1 - 6
It's a tradition in our town to end another great summer by cleaning up the beach. We prepare for next season by getting together with friends, grabbing some latex gloves and trash bags, and picking up the debris that litters Clancy Beach in the first week of September. It may not sound like a good time, but it's fun for all, guaranteed! You can even participate in the litter pick-up contest -- but be prepared for some intense competition! Try and beat the famed Havershams, winners for three consecutive years. Last year, in addition to 119 dirty syringes, they brought in a prize-winner: a corroded 50-gallon tank of nitric acid! Think you can do better? Join the fun! (Participants bringing in needles can join us afterwards for refreshments and mandatory IV antibiotics!)
Kanawan Indian Reservation
Open year-round
Need a break from your marathon session of summer fun? Take a day off and visit the Kanawan Indian Reservation, located only five miles out of town on the Wanamaker Ridge Road. The Kanawan, a proud Native American people, stopped tanning human hides in the late 1800s and now make a peaceful living selling beaded handbags and tax-free cigarettes. There's plenty to do on this economically depressed, yet fascinating tract of land. Try your luck on the rigged roulette wheel at the Kanawan Casino! See if you can find all 27 loopholes in the Kanawan treaty with the U.S. government! Buy super-low priced gin from a resentful native at the Great Bear Gas 'n' Trading Post! Have fun and learn at the same time! Wee!
Sit 'n' Chat With Martin Wanamaker
Thursdays at 7 PM, all summer
Did the Gravel Festival spark your interest in Clancy Beach history? Well, there's no better place to get your history fix than from the source, Martin W. Wanamaker himself. The 88-year-old millionaire has lived in Clancy Beach since 1944, and started Wanamaker Industries with just a dream and seven acres of government land. He's been retired since the plant closed down, and every Thursday night you can come listen to him at the Wanamaker Estate on Birch Road. It's always an adventure, as the monologue depends on his current medication and mental state: Will he regale you with a rambling, disjointed story about the early gravel-crushing days? Will he describe in gruesome detail a series of industrial accidents from the late '60s? Or will he simply claw at himself and shriek, "I can feel the dead! They're reaching for me!" A great way to spend a rainy evening!
Other Activities
July 1-3 Clancy Beach Jellyfish Hunt
July 14-18 Sunburn Festival
August 1 Illegal Fireworks Day
August 22 Belligerent Drunks Beach Walk
Buffet Dinners With Live Entertainment Every Nite! "Home of the Surly, Hung-Over Guitar Player, Butchering Jimmy Buffett and Van Morrison Tunes and Demanding Requests" Dinner Specials Include Crabb™ Imitation Seafood Product and Double-Fried Potato Clumps 555-2376 |
Cheap, Pseudo-Ethnic, Homogeneous Dishes-- No MSG! Beef Platter Combo (#1).............$6.07 Beef Platter Combo (#2)..............$6.19 Chicken Delight (With Happy Rice Vegetable)..........$7.00 Vegetable Harmony Shrimp Sauce Family w. Scallion........$6.50 |
Kollaps™ Brand Surfboards......................$7.00! Kract™ Underwater Goggles.......................$3.50! 994 Beach Ave. 555-4239 |
