apartmentfear2

The phone call was a manic stream of paranoia, conspiracy theory, and thoughts about the inherent fear-inducing qualities of giant lizards and squirrels. I'm sure I hit brilliant a few times, though often with no help at all from my acquaintance on the other end of line, who wanted nothing so much as to see me snap completely, and go to execute the blind dwarf living next door. He even suggested that the dwarf wasn't blind, and was in fact French, in hopes of fueling my rage, and driving me mad.

He assumed that what'd happen, would be that I'd wake up the next morning, coated in congealed blood, and with no memory of what I'd done. The dwarf would be strewn from one end of the apartment to the other, and the police would be forced to assume that because I couldn't remember doing any of the horrid deeds I'd done, that I was incurably insane, criminally insane, and they'd have me drugged and locked up for good. Electro shock therapy, he suggested, could still be used. The bastard. I had to have something that he wanted for some reason, which is why he'd spin whatever web of lies necessary to get me sent to an asylum where I'd be hosed down and given multiple anal probes. All of this was his plan. I assumed. I had to.

At last I delivered my message to him. I can no longer recall what it was. I hung up, and I'll just take it for granted that he went on to sleep the sleep of the just ,while I'm still here watching the world slide sideways. Even the tracers are moving in slow motion. I need safety. I need protection. I can't pick up the knife again, out of fear that I'll trip and drive it through my own neck. It's like Vietnam in here, all flashing lights and broken record soundtrack. My head spins, and I have no idea as to what's keeping it propped up. It can't be my neck, because that's gone numb. Somewhere below it, I can feel my stomach twisting into new colors.

Snarling beasts around every corner, but everything's so still. I need an adventure, damn it. My life style has allowed me to just slow down, to the point where I might stagnate. If I'm to spread out words to the rest of the world, I shall require a great fountain of dealings. I've curled up and allowed myself to grow numb to the beasts outside the window, just on the other side of the glass. Somewhere out there are junkies and hookers and angry machines fucking children, and here I am, in here, watching white smoke drift out of my computer monitor. Any sane man would be paralyzed with fright at this point, but I'm past such things. I've grown beyond them. I've forced my brain cells to evolve and mutate to deal with this new world. But they must be put to use. My brain must be forced to work. Let it carry it's own weight, rather then making the rest of my life support it.

I'm done with thinking for myself. It's time for my self to start thinking for me.

I've grown tired and listless. The world has a dimmer shade turned on it, and now nothing's quite as bright. The edges are all dulled and the ceiling is creeping down on me, a physical manifestation of the inevitability of the end of the night. But I don't plan to be around for that. I plan to turn my head right off from that whole scene, and not stir from my slumber until it came time to move out into the world once more. I had boots which required re-stringing, my bed remained unmade, and my hands and arms were hanging heavy like I was struggling under water. Were. Are. All movements take so much energy, like I'm in a sauna with no heat. Or maybe it is like a sauna, heat and all, but I've gotten so used to it that I can't feel the heat anymore, just the fatigue. I'd have to check the thermostat before I passed out. Still a world to observe through crafty, suspect eyes.

Time to fade out from all of this. My head hurts, like it's been rocked by a conveyer belt. Like if I don't lie it down it'll just fall off, and my consciousness will remain in the body, which won't stop typing. I need to lie down. To brush my teeth. To turn off that damn TV with it's damned images of a tormented hell in bright lights. There's more, but... well, that's just not for right now.

Over and out.