This page was made in 2000, partially partially to show potential boyfriends/girlfriends what they're about to get into and partially as a joke by me (), Dan (), and Andrei ().
Take note that I'm pretty awful as a girlfriend and even worse as an ex.
NOTE:It's now 2004. I did minor updating, but left 95% of the original just as it was. For your edification, anything with the note O means that it's oudated and anything with the note D was something Dan (the co-creator!) did wrong, and anything with the note A was added in 2004.
GETTING IN THE DOOR
Are you...
a) a straight guy?
b) a lesbian girl?
c) a bisexual?
If not, then why are you here? I'm trying to keep my options open, folks, but you have to be attracted to women for this to work. Now, read the following list and see if you fit under any of these categories: if so, you're not eligible at all... ARE YOU:
smelly?
grungy in any way shape or form?
cocky? (sorry, Garrett, you're not datable, only fuckable) ("the ego is the only part of him that doesn't need to be stroked")
unusually cruel? D
here for the sex?
violent?
particularly ugly? (have people reccommended you putting bags over your head? I can't date you if I can't look at you)
The following are the things you should and should not adhere to. They are not the utmost of importance like the above, but they're pretty important. check off all that apply to you (good or bad) if you're going to hand it in...
PREREQUISITES
YOU SHOULD...
Listen to good music (IE manson, NIN, techno, the Pumpkins, Sir Mix A Lot ("Baby Got back"), a Perfect Circle, rock-n-roll in general, some light rap perhaps)
Be intelligent
Be artistic/creative
At least moderately good looking (but I have strange tastes, so this might just be okay)
Wear some black (if you wear yellow, we will look a bumblebee!)
Be funny
Be nice
Have respect for women
YOU SHOULD *NOT*...
Listen to bad music such as: COUNTRY, FOLK ("phil ochs: all the news that's fit to sing"), show tunes (that's YOU Sarah), Bluegrass, excessive rap, jazz, Blink 182, White Stripes D, etc
Play guitar on the phone D
Do DUMB things in public (ie farting, burping, belching, armpit sounds, nose picking (BILL), jerking off, bursting out into bad song, etc)
Talk excessively (no babbling about... TV plots, manga plots, movie plots, book blots, (unless I ask) your clothes, your hair, the size of your tits/dick/fat (dan loved that), the mall, boring experiences, boring details, etc... OR to keep talking after I tell you to shut up)
Try to make me nature girl (I will NOT enjoy the forest with you)
Force me to play sports (my ass is large for a REASON)
Ask if you can take nude pictures/videos of me (you can NOT)
Try to impress me (yes, you can do a cartwheel/climb that goalpost, but that does not in any way make you cool)
Try to convert me to your religion (or your anything: I CHANGE FOR NO ONE)
Buy me things (consult the Leah List - Updated 7|12|one O)
ON A MONTHLY BASIS
Put up with my period and mood swings
ON A DAILY BASIS
Grovel D
Worship
Compliment
[Leah facts-
Leah is beautiful.
Leah is sexy.
Small breasts are great.
Leah is a Goddess.
Leah is your one and only.
Leah has beautiful eyes.
Leah has perfect hair/makeup/clothes.
Leah can and will beat you to a pulp if necissary.
If not, she has violent overprotective friends, some who wield broomsticks.
Leah is the perfect weight. (none of your business)
(this is where Dan kicks in)
Leah is smarter than you.
Leah is a better artist than you.
Leah is a better person than you. (Thanks, Dan.) (Andrei Contributes:)
Strive to be more like her.]
Show love (do NOT whip it out)
Call
Hug
OBEY MY EVERY COMMAND (Dan)
GENERAL TIPS...
On "Valentine's Day" I expect a rose, preferably a black one but red is acceptible O
If I break down, you will hug/kiss/comfort, or be broken yourself
If I am ignoring you, get over it O
I want a big, expensive Christmas/Hanukkah/Yule gift. Start saving now. (Dan inspires Andrei to say: Ideally, hire Trent as a gigalo for the evening.) O
Leah Mis-Maintenance
THINGS YOU ARE NOT TO DO, unless you want your sorry ass dumped...
Making me feel stupid/ugly/fat
Not being good at sexual endeavors (something tells me Dan was behind this one) D
Forgetting my birthday (October 21st. Remember it well)
Talking about me behind my back (says Dan: she has connections you sick fuck) D
Blowing me off (I am the only one allowed to do the ignoring) D
DISCLAIMER
I want no wussies. I only happen to want a man/woman who will bend to my EVERY WILL. I will not be pushed around by my "significant other." I am not flimsy. Frankly, I'd rather be single than get in another stupid relationship and guys should know what they're getting into when it comes to me because I'm not going to just sit around being someone's bitch. They should know their rights and regulations RIGHT OFF. Also, I can not be fully responsible for this: Dan helped out a LOT (some of it has been designated as Dan Territory) and if you want you can beat him up. (But please don't; he's one of my best friends. Besides, he knows what to do with a broomstick.)
SIGN HERE: X________________________
Keep one copy for yourself and hand the other, signed and with the "should" and "should not" s that apply to you checked, to me.
I HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO DUMP YOUR SORRY ASS.
PS - to be my FRIEND, you must...
a) be nice
b) be interesting
c) not anger me too much
Perhaps this options is for you. If you still want to ask me out, well, think carefully.
), Dan (
), and Andrei (
).