- a compilation of my (and Elizabeth's!) discoveries....

1. Never go out with anyone who is not interesting. If you have someone who happens to be interesting, he must also be either A) good-looking or B) good at sexual favors, preferably both. But then, he’s probably hiding something and is HENCE too good to be true.

2. Never, EVER, put all of your friendship eggs in one basket. Have friends from different social groups that do not usually interact so that if you fall out with one group, you will always have other things to fall back on. Have different friends. Do not just rely on one friend; sooner or later, he or she might let you down. DO NOT, I repeat do NOT, center your life on males. It will get you KILLED socially, and, besides, it’s annoying to others.

3. Don’t share information (personal information) with people you don’t know very well, or anyone who usually has the potential to blackmail you (I. E. younger siblings). They will all use it against you for money or power.

4. Don’t give people your password for ANYTHING. They’ll use it for their own sick purposes.

5. Don’t even THINK that you’re in love. You’re not. As you will painfully discover far later on in the relationship. This doesn’t really happen to ME, just to others who I happen to know, and I thought it’d be a good one to put in.

6. Find a good hobby. Find something decent that will get your anger out in a productive manner. Burning things is good for blackened rages but there’s no need to do that any time the need arises. Draw. Read. Write. SELF-MUTILATION is a very popular thing, but … how does that help ANYTHING? I just realized this. "I have a gash on my arm that I have to worry about people seeing… how exactly does this help my depression?" It doesn’t. Enough said.

7. Try to be nice to people & cut back on those insults. Only tease the teasers, I suppose, is the key point here. Good old Laura. HELL, she WAS stupid. Fuck that. Anyway.

8. If your eyes are glazed over, go to sleep.

9. Never go out with a devout Catholic. NEVER.

10. Look for the pretty things. They’re there. Somewhere.

11. Don’t say things you know you don’t mean, and can whip back and hurt you or somebody else in the future. "I love you." "But I thought we were going to get married!" … errr….

12. Be who you truly are. Even if that means, "act like Satan." Acts are stupid. Other people are laughing at your acts, whether you know it or not.

13. No matter WHO you are, someone is laughing at you. Laugh at THEM. Keep a secret laugh for everyone who gets in your way. Don’t get angry – just pity them.

14. Hate is stronger but kindness GOES farther.

15. There is no "perfect world," "perfect relationship," or "perfect" anything because "perfect" is a JOKE.

16. It’s better to be disillusioned in the long run.

17. Sometimes it’s better just to speak up and ask if you can go to the bathroom. Otherwise you hold it in and miss your chance and your bladder, like, explodes. Random? Yes.

18. Don’t tell someone your problems if theirs are far worse. "I’m fat!" you cry to the 300-pounder. It’s like… rubbing it in.

19. Eat dessert. And appreciate your body. WHO GIVES A FUCK, ANYWAY? I mean, really. No one really cares too deeply. I think they only laugh at those people in the spandex who are like 400 pounds and should NOT BE IN SPANDEX. They don’t laugh at those teenage girls who are 5 pounds overweight and happen to have a little bigger thighs than the rest. Fact is, everyone has big thighs! SCARY! So don’t feel alone.

20. Tanning will make your skin look like leather. BE pale as ass. It’s Covenerific.

21. If you wear GAP, potential friends with depth won’t even SEE you. Instead, you will end up chatting with other people wearing GAP and you probably don’t want that. Darker colors are better if it’s Mansonite friendships you prefer.

22. Don’t LISTEN to your MOTHER, and never, EVER, tell her the TRUTH. "Sure, Mom, we were smoking up"? NO. You say "Um, well, see my boyfriend’s SHY and we’ve only kissed but not even… (blush) all the way… you know…?" when you’ve gone to third. It’s a great comfort for you, and a great comfort for her. Let your parents think that you were at the play when really you were out at the dike at 10:oo at night. They don’t WANT to know the truth. And you don’t want them to, either.

23. If you’re going to be standing around and no one’s looking at your feet, then why wear heels? I’ll never know.

24. If you say random things, people will think you’re spontaneous and interesting. For some reason. (shrug) I’m neither spontaneous nor interesting but HEY I get ahead!!

25. Don’t talk back to your teachers. They just give you bad grades.

26. If someone is pissing you off, or harassing you, don’t take it. Tell a teacher and GET THEM IN DEEP SHIT. That’ll teach ’em a fucking lesson or two. Even threatening them with authority sometimes works.

27. SIN. God doesn’t care.