So, Where do I start.
Well, taken from comedian Bill Cosby, I started out as a child! From then on, it was wet, and cold and I was hungry! I don't remember much of this time, though until I was about 4 or 5 years old. I can faintly remember some things from before that but they are very sketchy at best. From this time, I knew that something was different about me. I wasn't like most of the other little boys I was around. Not that I didn't enjoy playing with cars and GI Joe, and Tonkas in the dirt. Those were my faves. But there was something subtle in me. . . Something scary. . . Something dark.
As time went on, I began to have a fascination with women's apparel. I would sneak into the bathroom or wherever I could but the bathroom was the safest as no one would barge in on me there, whereas they might in other places. When I thought it was safe, I'd dig around in the laundry basket and find some of my mother's, grandmother's, aunt's or sisters things depending on where I was and try them on. Nothing really fit, though, but it felt so good.
All through school, I was sort of an outcast. Geek. Dork. Whatever. . .
When I was in the sixth grade, my dad married a lady who had a daughter who was younger than me by a year or so but we were close to the same size so after the rushes of adapting to a bigger step-family life and things settled down, I started to 'borrow' her things from her laundry basket. They smelled so good from her perfume! I 'borroewd things from my stepmom, too, as she was pretty petite. No one knew of my 'borrowings' as I would always have them back on laundry day.
My brother and stepbrother always called me names like fag, queer, wimp, girlie, and other such names as I never wanted to participate in their bodybuilding or sports. I don't think they knew about what i was doing, but I was always thin, uncoordinated, and just generally not much good at anything. Several times, I had thought about ending it all, but could never bring myself to do it.
One night, as I was getting ready for bed, I had my stepmom's bra on and my brother walked in on me and caught me before I could get my pajama top on. I WAS DEVASTATED! I told him I'd never do it again if he promised to not tell anyone. Well, as far as I know he held up his end of the deal. I didn't. I was just a bit more careful. This went on for the rest of the time my Dad and stepmom were together.
Once when I was in my room, my dad caught me but he didn't say anything so I don't think he knew I knew he did. Several days later, much to my surprise, he mentioned it, but it wasn't at all what I expected. He told me it was OK to 'explore' but that it was just a passing phase and I'd outgrow it. I haven't, yet.