As you know, it has never been out of favour in the fetish scene. However, I would like to make corsets into acceptable everyday wear for the first time since the First World War. Feminist doctrines tell us that no self-respecting woman would wear restrictive clothing simply to look attractive to men: I say that no self-respecting woman would want to look fat just to appease her jealous sisters.
What to do with corsets: Just remember not to slouch, eat fast or get too excited, as all these things could result in the local fire department having to cut you out of it. Which is a waste of a mervellously-constructed piece of clothing, whatever your men-in-uniform fantasies are.
No giggling at the back, you. A muff, for those of you who only know it as a slang term, is a little like a double-ended mitten, or a scarf for your hands. Is also a useful hiding place for all manner of things: as long as you remember to always keep one hand blocking up the end, you could in fact do away entirely with a handbag and stuff in your keys, purse, smokes, phone and everything - thus doing away with the pulling-one-glove-off-with-your-teeth-and-scrabbling-around-to-answer-your-phone problem.
What to do with muff: as explained above, stuff it full of all the crap that would usually be in your bag - the perfect combination of glamour and slobiness, I think. Which brings us nicely onto....
By which I mean little beaded leather things, not these bulbous canvas shoulder bags that people have taking to carrying. An overstuffed rucksack is a sign of mental disarray: the carrier doesn't know what they need so they might just have to take everything. On the other hand, a tiny impractical clutch bag is the sign of a ruthless and razor-sharp intellect. Very few people are confident enough to leave the house with nothing but keys, a credit card and an eyeliner, which is about all the smallest bags can accomodate. Organised women of the world, I salute you.
What to do with a girly handbag: If it has a strap, hang it round your wrist - hold it in your hand and you look like you're about to hit someone with it, dangle it from your elbow and you look like Margaret Thatcher's long-lost evil twin. If it's a clutch, jam it under your arm: not so chic, I'll admit, but better than putting it down and having to keep checking nobody's run off with it. And just think, if you combine it with a muff, you'll never have to worry about getting mugged again. 'Silly thieves! Think my money is in my handbag? Can't you see there's nothing but a bus ticket and a stick of gum in there? Ohoho, I've outwitted you all!'
How unfortunate that shoulderpads will for so many people be forever associated with bad 1980s suits. Worn correctly, they are actually surprisingly flattering: they elongate the neck and slim down the waist. No, really. I think you'll just have to trust me on this one.
What to do with shoulderpads: wear them with something really, really tight. Shoulderpads in a loose top make the wearer look like a cross between the Hunchback of Notre Dame and a social worker.
By which I mean all ties: not only tie-ties, but also bowties and cravats. I believe that 'Dress-Down Fridays' will be the downfall of society. Already the slack-jawed yoof of today make excuses to dress like they've ramraided Oxfam: employers should be actively opposing the creeping trampification of society, not endorsing it. I forsee a future that is a sea of denim and sportswear, and it scares me. Take a motherfuckin stand, you jersey-clad pussies, and do up that top button!
What to do with ties: first things first, don't do a fat knot because it just looks pathetic and try-hard. Don't wear polyester ties unless you really can't afford silk, and just say no to novelty patterns. Bow ties make excellent hair ornaments, if you feel so inclined. Cravats should be accessorised with a growling Rottweiler and gang of tough-looking and similarly-dressed friends - you know as well as I do that less fashion-forward types will take the piss, and these people must be taught a lesson.
Come on, you know you want to....You know there's a little tiny part of you that's bored with jeans that soak up dirt and fall down when you run....Just admit it, honey, there's nobody watching....I won't laugh....Give in to the trend that dare not speak its name, and I promise you'll never go back. I've got a long rant against baggy clothes somewhere, which I will post at another time, but for now I want you to consider it from a purely practical point of view. Pick fights, run from the cops and wade through muddy puddles, all without fear of being tripped up by your impractical trousers....Just imagine the feeling of freedom! Feel the wind through your legs! Rediscover your thighs! Wouldn't it be wonderful?
What to do with drainpipes: first rule, fabric is all. Tough denim or canvas is best: they suck in all your fat bits and keep them there. Lycra is the enemy when things like this are concerned: it looks like you're wearing leggings. To get into tight jeans, lie flat on your back, slip a coathanger hook through the zip and pull with all your might. Take a hot bath in your jeans to if you want to shrink them further. Don't sit down or the whole ensemble could well come apart at the seams - and no, I'm not exaggerating for comic effect. It has happened.
Simply because there are few things less attractive than a shiny face.
What to do with powder: downward strokes to apply, followed by upward strokes to remove excess. So simple, yet so many people don't bother....
Proper hats, rather than knitted beanies: hats for hats' sake, rather than for such silly trifles as warmth. This is simply because they make the wearer look really high-maintenance and classy, but acually remove the need to do things like wash or brush the hair. Add a little veil (see right) or some such, and you only need to make up the bottom half of the face; easy. Gents, there is no longer any need to doff your hat for girls, but it's a cutely quaint custom that could probably get you laid if you practice it enough. You may laugh, but can you really afford to pass up the chance?
Warning: hats are one of the only items of clothing for which you still get exactly what you pay for. In the words of the wonderful Lucy Duff Gordon: 'Even the face that launched a thousand ships would not have looked great in a cheap hat'. So be warned.
It has always puzzled me why women expect to wear veils on their wedding day but at no other point in their lives: this is surely one day when you want everyone to see how pretty you look. It is at other times that one would wish for the convenience of a veil; as a winter alternative to sunglasses, if you need to hide hungover eyes; removing the need for waterproof mascara at funerals; and, with the more voluminous types of veil, a classier disguise than a stocking over the head when robbing a bank.