| Sorry... That's all there is. to answer some questions I'm sure you have: 1.)This whole story's premise is fictional. 2.)There are elements of truth in it, but all fiction has some 3.)Don't go thinking everything that the narrator says is neccisarily what I would do or even that it is what I wouldn't do. 4.)Names are nothing any yet everything in it... the real names mean stuff but I'm changing them for posting the story on here so that those who shouldn't know anything about things that have happened don't. 5.)Like #3, don't go thinking that everything that happened to the narrator or what she did is something I did or had happen to me.... it might have and yet it might not have, so don't bug me about anything like it happening to me or something..... 6.) Sorry, that's all there is to the story, I hope you liked it..... |
| La Cartasis |
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| The final chapter of the story..... |
| The snow falls more rapidly now. I�m bundled up in clothes that are not my won. Digging is slow work, but Teresa, Bill and their friends deserve better than lying there, exposed to the elements. To our �luck� they had a shovel in their pack. It seems that they were going into Canada eventually, as their map indicates. It took all day yesterday to scrape out three graves and start on this last one, but we were too tired to finish it yesterday. But now I climb out. It is the best we can do if we want to head out today. Amy is almost done with the four wooden crosses made from sticks and a ball of string we found in their supplies. I carved �Teresa� and �Bill� into theirs, but the other two are blank as I have no idea of their friends� names. It�s sad and brings tears to my eyes as I collapse from exhaustion to the ground. As I look at their bodies, it seems all I want to do is run away screaming. Too many images burned on my brain. I�m sick of here. I want out. I�ve had enough. As I lay I close my eyes, holding them shut in the hope I don�t have to open them again. I feel snow piling on my face as the wind blows around but I don�t want to care. I�m being buried in a sea of nothingness. I see nothing. I hear nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing. I don�t know how long I was like that, but someone reaches into the abyss I inhabit and lifts me up. I open my eyes and look into those of the one who raised me up. Brad asks me, �Are you okay?� I find myself all choked up. I don�t know what to do. I can�t lie to him, not now, but how can I tell him that I feel so awful now. Why am I standing here now, by the compassion and help of those lying there? They aren�t. It�s not fair. I�m the one who deserves to go into those graves, not them. I was to awful to myself, who can ever forgive what I did? I don�t answer. He looks at me in his crazy way that usually makes me laugh. I find myself even sadder and a lurch goes through my stomach. I turn away and tears are pouring down, turning to ice crystals on my cheek. He pulls me closer. I don�t understand, such a short time ago he held me and I felt safe. Now, now I feel, now I feel, I can�t explain. I just don�t know what I feel. I don�t think I feel anything anymore. I�m so lost and hope has flown from me on swift wings. I feel my wrist. I wish it to be deeper than any well on earth; that all the blood in my veins would go. Why am I so ambivalent? Why am I so lost when part of me knows exactly where I am, and is happy? Well maybe not happy, but I should be content maybe. I don�t understand. Oh well, it doesn�t matter. What�s the point in comprehending anyway� Brad wipes my ice-encrusted cheeks. I open my eyes. �Come on, these tears are pointless. You�re getting nowhere. Please. It pains me so when you�re sad.� I try to smile. It�s weak but at least I am attempting to. Oh well. The fa�ade gets stronger as the core grows weak. We bury them, Teresa and Bill by each other, their friends alongside. Tears are rolling down and no one has a voice to say anything. I keep my silence not for a lack of things to say, but for fear that once I start talking I�ll never be able to stop. �Come on. Vamanos a home-o.� Jeff says as we head back to where the tents were. We each pick up our pack and start down the hiking path. We go back the way the others came. We head south and for civilization, following the cardinal, the loons, and all the other birds. Trudging through the snow is exhausting. With each step through the knee mess I grow weaker. But I push myself. I can�t hold everyone else up. I lead the way, trying to break a path so that the others� way is facilitated. I�m so exhausted. My legs are lead. This day�s journey has been too much for my weak self. I try not to fall over but my legs just give out and I fall into the snow. �Meredith!� Brad grabs the pack and picks me up by it. �I don�t think we should go any further. Now we need to rest up and get warm.� He turns around, �But you need to just sit down. I don�t want to lose you again. Please�� His eyes beg so much from me. I don�t think I can do everything he wants. I can�t be everything he wants me to be, I can�t become all that he thinks I should. �I�m sorry, I didn�t mean to fail you.� I pull away. I look over to my right. There is a cliff it seems, the rock just stops and all that is beyond it is a void. I remember seeing it in a glance on the map. Deadman�s drop I think it was. It goes down into the black icy water of the lake beside. �I�m sorry.� The darkness is calling me. I don�t care what the darkness has. It must be better than the nothingness I dwell in now. �I�m sorry I lied to you so much. The little girl you were holding is only a front, a fa�ade the real me put up. The real me is not worthy of living�� Before I can even get vaguely close to jumping, Brad gets between the edge and me. �I won�t let you. You�ll have to kill me first. Even if you get past me and jump, I�m coming down right after you. Is that what you really want? To you really want to do that? Well do you�?� �I don�t know, I�m so confused. I�m hurt and lost within a sea of emotions and feelings and I�m struggling to keep my head up, but I don�t know where I am, and I don�t know where to go. I don�t know what I feel. I don�t feel anything happening to me. I�m numb, going through a nightmare I can�t wake up from. I want out of this�� �This isn�t the right way. Come on. We can go back to civilization and the struggle to survive won�t be so evident. It�ll be better. I promise. Now let�s go back to the fire that Jeff has built. We can thaw the numbness a little there. Alright?� I stare at him and something clicks in my head. As long as I am in pain and crying out his pain will be worse. I feel bad because others worry about me. Others worry about me because I�m so sad. I need to stop this cycle before it destroys me, along with everyone else around me. �Yeah.� I answer him after what must seem an eternity to him too. Although I said that, I find it hard to just turn around leave this easy escape. Instead I force myself to abandon my abandonment. I�ll escape this false escape. The fire is warm. I should go. One foot. Now the other. Right. Left. Each effort is tremendous at first. Then it gradually gets better, easier. The glow is inviting. We sit there. I curl up next to Brad. With his arm around me, and the fire blazing I thaw. Feeling comes back to my heart. I�m refreshed. There�s new life within this broken shell, there is more than a vague outline of who I am. Maybe. Still doubt lingers now. I�m not fully healed. No matter what I�ll still have to be cautious. Brad and Jeff need to look out for me. I�ll have my struggles. Times will come when I am very close, sometimes too close for comfort. But I don�t think I could ever disappoint them like that. My wrist has almost stopped its constant burning. I wonder if it is infected or something. I stare beyond the fire. I see blurred outlines of trees underneath blankets of snow. But I thought I saw a flash of movement. I look again in that direction and see a glimpse of eyes. Blue eyes. I wish they were from my wolf friend but they are not. Oh my� �Don�t you dare move. I don�t want to shoot but I will. Ha I see it in your eyes and written plainly on your face. I see I fooled you. We may have just abandoned on the Island, but you were only to be free for a little bit. We took the canoe and quickly made our way to the start of this path, of course you were going to come down it after all. He had a nice head start and a faster way. It seemed unlikely that you wouldn�t stop to bury their bodies after all. It would only be a matter of time until we met on this path. Oh my precious, I�ve missed you so much I can�t wait to hold you close and,� �No.� The silence is deafening. �No?� He creeps closer and I stiffen up. �You heard me. No.� Mike glares at Brad. �By what authority do you think you have and can order me around?� Brad�s glare is frightening me now, even though I can barely see it. I want to tell him to stop, to save himself. He�s already almost gotten himself killed once on my account. I don�t want him dying for me. I try to tell him to hold back, just let whatever happen to me and live. I can�t bear the thought of him being gone. The emptiness of his death, there�d be nothing left to keep this shell from collapsing under pressure� �By the authority of my love. I�ll die in an attempt to save her of whatever pain is possible. Besides, a part of me is dying when I see the hurt in her eyes. If anything more happens to her, I don�t think I can live with myself.� He pauses and looks at me. �I�m sorry. I don�t think I can save you from pain in one way or another.� He holds me closer. I my face soaking in tears, both his and mine. I feel great pain in my heart as I tell him to save himself. Then I kiss him softly on the cheek. �Please don�t you do anything foolish like try and save me.� I take his arms off of me and stand up. �You bastard. I hate you and wish you were dead. You are so evil there is no way to describe you that can even show the smallest miniscule amount of your evilness.� The breeze picks up. �Alright, now kill the other girl with your knife Tyler.� Mike is whispering but my senses are attuned much sharper now, back to their canine potency. �No.� Mike�s face is full of shock. �What?� He turns to Tyler with the gun drawn. �I�m sick and tired of being bossed around be you. So what I�m a whole year eight months and fourteen days younger than you? I won�t do any more for you. I�m sick of being your little,� BANG. Tyler drops dead. There is blood pooling in his face in the dirt. Amy screams as she frees herself from the corpse. I find myself nearly possessed. I don�t know why I do what I do next. I tilt my head back and howl. I howl in pain, fear, anger, hate. I don�t hear an answer. Great, even the wolves have left me. Mike comes close enough and grabs me, the gun�s cold hard barrel on the side of my head. �Now tie the other girl up. Do it, or she dies.� He jabs me roughly with the gun and it takes all the strength hidden deep within me to keep from screaming and passing out from it all. �I know you�d hate it if your love was dead now wouldn�t you?� Brad reluctantly takes some rope and binds Amy up. I can see the apologetic look in his eyes as he ties the knots. When he finishes, Mike moves us over, gun still against my head and says, �Alright, now you tie him up.� I can�t move. I can�t do it. �I�ll shoot him if you don�t.� He pulls the gun from my head and points it to him. Somehow, I manage to tie him up. Tears stream down my face and my vision blurs. �Now the fun begins, my precious!� Suddenly I realize something. Where is Jeff? I try not to hint at his absence. It seems that Mike has overlooked it for now. Wait, I remember him getting up from the fire, to go to the forest and get more wood. He certainly heard the gunshot and would be very cautious now. Mike puts the gun in his pocket and grabs me and throws me to the ground. My body isn�t numb like the last time, the nerves and senses are working, oh my� �No!� Jeff jumps out of nowhere and is wrestling with Mike before long. Sounds come now but they seem in a dream. A hazy dream, a nightmare that you want to wake up from but find that you can�t. You�re frozen and can�t do anything about it. �I�m going to cut your throat you little�� Mike�s phrase is cut short. In a blur I see a black shadow tackle him, tearing him away from Jeff. Mike gets up and starts to run. He flees unknowingly toward the cliff. The wolf is snarling at him. The rest of the pack stands behind him. Mike probably doesn�t know what he�s backing into. The circle is closing in on him. He steps back a little further. He gets thrown off balance and I hear him scram as he falls and then a deadly silence. No birds, no wind no sounds but the frightened breathing of four teenagers and the nearly silent breath of the wolves. Now, absolutely all alone in the woods. I curl up into a ball. This pain is awful. My whole body hurts. I feel sick. I raise my head for a moment and clear some of the haziness from my sight. There he is. Magnificent in the moonlight, he walks to me now, and sits maybe a foot in front of me. I can feel his breath on my face, smell it. Even with normal senses I could have. He whines. Cautiously, I reach my hand out to stroke his soft fur. I can�t though, my arm is to weak to reach the whole way. Instead he moves closer and licks my hand. I feel it fall to the ground but after that I feel myself floating away, to another time and place� I�m flying, gliding effortlessly on a breeze. I look down. I see myself, older and a man, kind and gentle, with his arm around me. I can�t see his face, no matter how hard I try I can�t. I twist and turn around and I always find him turned the wrong way. I can�t see his face. Just as he is about to turn around� My eyes snap open. �Meredith!� Brad is staring at me right now and I see his eyes light up. He hugs me then kisses me. I�m kissing him back and in my heart I find happiness and joy are far outweighing despair and sorrow now. I know that this is destined to be right. There is no doubt that we should be together. If heaven isn�t this great or better, I don�t want to go. �Yay!� �We�re safe!� �Finally free!� We have a great group hug. We are safe. Nothing can harm us now. I hear a rustling sound behind me. I jump to turn around and see an officer of the forest or something with a gun drawn. �Hey, aren�t you that group of kids who got kidnapped in Indiana or something?� He puts the gun back into its holster. �What happened to your abductors?� No one volunteers an answer at first. �They are dead. One killed the other. And then he fell off that cliff over there.� Sweet innocent Amy tells him. The warden sees the bloody body of Tyler and then goes to the cliff where Mike had fallen. �Okay. So they�re dead. Now why don�t you start at the beginning and tell me what happened.� We all look at each other. It�s hard to think of where to begin. There�s no way to convey all these event to him, even if there was the time. We all want someone else to start. �Well, we were at this football game and hanging out together and joking about stupid stuff, and then...� And so this is an account from my point of view, my perspective of the events that happened then. It doesn�t tell everything. There is probably stuff I told you that you didn�t want to or need to know. Oh well, you know it anyway. There are probably many questions you are asking yourself about this, but they�ll be left unanswered. Sorry. I�d stay and write more, tell you about our fun trip back to civilization with the warden, of our somber trips back to the cliff and the clearing with four mounds and a big rock, and many other adventures our band had after our experience in the Minnesota woods. But I need to stop. Brad and I have much to talk about, much to do. Busy days are coming in our lives and this is enough looking back for now. Now on to the future, the bright living breathing future I am looking forward to. |