current

I try to make my words fit
In some preconceived notion
Of what they should be
I stifle the meaning out

Yet it�s not the rhyme or rhythm
That is the beauty of a poem
It�s the meaning, thoughts, feelings
That shape it, mold it carefully

Making men�s hearts turn from dark
To a light that nearly blinds them
The stars burn brightly, marking their hearts
Forever they will shine on

A poem of beautiful meaning is more
Better than a perfectly made careless sonnet
Although some don�t recognize that
But they only deny the true beauty of words

I don�t know too much of rhymings
And rhythms, accents they confuse me
Trying to fit in what�s normal, it chokes
Removes most of what I�m trying to say

I try to be more graceful with words
Than my mind usually thinks
Sweet sonnets, little rhymed things
Those I write for class, aren�t me

Even some poems I write for me
Only take a little of what I wish
They don�t say everything I want them to
They come up short of my goals

I wish to communicate how I feel
Locked up within me, I want out
I want freedom, not just from the past
But freedom from predetermined images

Freedom from having to fit in
Freedom to feel okay odd one out
Alone all alone am I, but not lonely
No from few comes more than millions

I could have tons of good friends
Yet they wouldn�t serve me as well as mine
They know how to help me
The things I need to hear

Though sometimes I�m not ready then
Later comes along and it makes sense
It becomes clear as the sun rises
Yet a single star is still blazing

Burning on, a beacon of hope
As long as it�s there, hope is
Hope is strong enough even in minute amounts
The smallest will keep you going

Yet I almost lost my tattered hope
I wished this to end with all my strength
I wanted something other than this
The torment of Then I live with

But since that moment of confusion
Living with Then and Him in my heart
Has made me much stronger
I�m a better person for that

And even more recent heartbreak
Has scarred me, deep yet not too much
It�s livable, I can go on with it
I�m still a better person for knowing him

A gentle him, not the Him who torments me
Yet even He wasn�t as bad
As the evil truly evil one
Who came into me, and I didn�t turn him away

I let him grow in me, stronger he got
It was he that wore down my hope
Tore it into the tatters it was
But in the end it was I who cast it off

If not for a greater being, I wouldn�t be
Now, I couldn�t be writing these words
I could have given up all my hope
If I had found the means to

I wonder even if I had the means would I have
Actually done it, had the guts to follow through
To really say goodbye to everyone
To never meet many new friends

My friends, I�ve gained so many since Then and as their number grew, so did my hope
Once I was free of the initial chains of Then
Even though I still had a ways to go

And still do, yet I can never forget
Forget everything I did, haunting memories
Memories a curse, to be burdened with forever
Holding me back from perfection

Yet that�s not too bad, others have their own
Things like mine that hold themselves back
Keep them from that Ultimate Goal
What everyone wants for themselves: Perfection

But if we could reach it here or ever
Perfection would be nothing
Nothing more would anyone ever strive for
So a curse yet blessing it is

That Perfection isn�t ours to grasp
Just ours to hope for and aim for
Knowing to aim higher than you
Truly wish to or hope to reach

Try for more than you can do
And then you�ll reach as high as you can
Stop wishing on the stars
Reach out to touch one

Because of my friends
I now know the beauty of them
The stars in the heavens
They never fade or fail

And so they give hope to all who need it
Like I did, like I still do, I need hope
Greater than what I have
I have enough to keep going, not truly grow

I want to reach the stars one day
And then my hope will overflow
And I can be the me deeply hidden
The me that tries to get out

That�s keeping me from trying for better
Not sinking back into the darkness
Climbing out still from rock bottom
I�ve climbed over a wide ledge

It�ll keep me safe from falling so far again
But I still can. I need to still be careful
But I don�t need to live in fear forever
Then and Him no longer bind me

It�s been long enough, all they are is simple
Little reminders of what to do never again
What I cannot do ever again
Forget the real me deep within

Not this outer shell I appear to be
Let my true heart be shown
One that cares about everyone and everything
And would maybe be civil to Him

Not truly nice, but not evil, hateful
Evil for evil is two times as bad
As the original wrongdoing
Revenge is not the glory it first seems.

In the moment it may be okay
But in deeper reflection later
It�d be as haunting as what He did
The little things He did to me

Stupid little things he did, yet with maybe
Perhaps good intentions they were
But I maybe, was not open enough
Yet some things are too much

I can�t blame them on myself, no
Not even on Him it seems
A greater evil caused me to pick up
Two benign things and cause myself pain

Crying out in pain, yet still doing it
Who can do it to themselves?
I didn�t have a release from my pain
The pain in my heart, it merely multiplied

Each time it was worse
But ever worse was the hiding, lying
Band-Aids covering the scabs
Throbbing painfully were my ankles

Because of what I did
As I look back, the physical pain was nothing
Nothing compared to my heartache
Or the pain I had caused others

I hated the lies, but the more I told
The more they felt right
Like I should keep always telling them
Shielding myself from what could stop me

Being found out then, others knowing
Learning my secret then, wounds still fresh
Bring forced into treatment of some kind
Forced to tell the Dark Truth

Yet now, nearly two years from my darkest days
It seems distant, it no longer really matters
It�s something I did, that�s all
No worse than any other wrong

Because it�s all wiped from me
Clean is the slate before me
Yet not perfect, little things keep it from that
But as good as it was before Then

Now in my heart I�m truly ready
To move on and fly among the stars
Boldly living in happiness
Defying the Death and Loss almost mine

I want to rise above the lies
Above everything I told myself
The lies eating me up wearing away
The lies I told killed my hope Then

I�ll become what should have been
I�ll strive for excellence, the next best
Perfection�s second-in-command
What is humanly actually possible

I�ll become a better person, striving
Fighting to achieve that excellence
Becoming far more than I am
The best I can be.

Thanks to my friends I can set out
And travel down this path, hard and long
Yet with them it won�t be so bad
My life can yet be a jolly song.