Editors note-Most of this was written as it happened. Please forgive me as I drift in and out of past and present tense.

                                                                                   Part 1

        Hi ! My name is Robert. My friends sometimes call me Rastabob (something about being deported from Jamaica when I was in my twenties and had to shave my head to remove the dreadlocks in my hair but that's another story). I'm an average, middle income, blue collar owner of a small business. I was tired of the grind of working constantly, being both the owner and only employee. I had a travel trailer which I sold for about $4,000. As usual, I wisely invested that money by blowing it on a trip to Costa Rica. I have always wanted to actually learn a foreign language, not just a few remembered words from high school, but actually learn it. So I decided to enroll in a spanish school for 2 weeks (that ought to be enough time, right??).
Well, little did I know that a trip to Costa Rica would change my life forever and I sincerely hope that if you ever go there it will change yours. I have learned a lot about myself, about patience and mostly about how to stop and smell the roses without strangling the person in front of you cutting them down.
 
 

     My adventure begins in Tallahassee. Florida where I live and work. From Tallahassee, it only took an hour and forty minutes to get to Miami. Even though I was flying at 13,000 ft., you could still see the trees and highways clearly as we moved south across Florida. The landing and arrival in Miami was uneventful. The Miami Airport is a large, international airport about the size of the town I grew up in. If you've never been to Miami before, you will quickly find that most everybody speaks spanish. Almost all the employees here at the airport and hotels are bilingual. If you're really watching your money, bring a sandwich with you. The airport food is way overpriced ($5.00 for a beer). If you have a layover on your return flight or just want to see Miami, you can get a room for about $50.00/night near the airport. There are almost as many beautiful women in Miami as there are in Costa Rica. If it wasn't for all the crime in Miami, I would probably live here. That is not to say there isn't crime in Costa Rica, but it is not usually the type of violent crime you find in American cities, both large and small. In Costa Rica, the crime problem is theft, not face to face confrontations.

   Finding LTU Airlines, which I was taking to Costa Rica was easy and I had enough time to stop for an overpriced gristle sandwich, known to those at the airport as roast beast (beef). Once through customs and upon boarding the plane, I found you are only allowed one piece of carry-on luggage instead of the usual two. Planning ahead, I had packed all the necessary belongings into one suitcase should my suitcases get lost. I found myself sitting next to a friendly Tica (males are called Ticos in Costa Rica) by the name of Nelsa. She was returning to Costa Rica from a Christmas shopping trip. It seems that most, if not all goods imported into Costa Rica pay a 100% import tax (probably incorrect), so most everything imported is fairly expensive. Ticos can fly to Miami, shop, and bring back their purchases cheaper than they can buy them in Costa Rica. For example, I have heard of dictionaries going for $100.

    Coming into Miami, it had started to rain and as we were waiting to take off, it got worse. Five planes overshot the runway and had to go around. We waited for departure for so long that we had to return to the runway to re-fuel. LTU is a German airline that stops in Miami to re-fuel on it's way to Costa Rica. Approximately one half of the passengers were German, one quarter Tico, and one quarter North American. The refuelling gave us a chance to try some free German beer and wine. Another plus to flying LTU, besides the cheapest tickets to Costa Rica, was the unusual German lunch we were served once we got underway. The flight took about two hours and we arrived at the Juan Santamaria airport in the rain. This airport has a short runway nestled in the Central Valley. Even though I used to be a private pilot, the landing was pretty thrilling (i.e.scary) as the reverse thrusters kicked in to slow us down. The passengers applauded when we had landed safely, (do you suppose they thought we weren't going to make it or they just wanted to show their appreciation for a job well done??)

    Once through customs, and yes, they do have drug sniffing dogs if you are so inclined to do something stupid, it took me awhile to find Martha Bennet, who, bless her heart, had been waiting at the airport since 2:45. By then, it was about 5:30 and I was amazed at how quickly it gets dark once the sun sets over the mountains that surround the Central Valley. We rambled down the road to Heredia to where Martha has her B&B, only one block from Parque Central (central park, every town has one). She has a comfortable house, close to everything and she made me feel right at home in a foreign country. I would spend the next three days there before I went to stay with a family the language school arranges for the next two weeks. Then it would be off to explore the beauty of Costa Rica.

    Day 2 begins with "desayuna tipico", a typical breakfast of "gallo pinto" (rice and beans), eggs and toast with fresh mango jelly. Martha has several fruit trees in her backyard which she uses to good advantage. We then went off on a walking tour of downtown Hired where she showed me the important points of interest including the bus stops to San Jose, restaurants, stores and a very interesting fort. It seems that at one time, way before they abolished the military, a fort was built by an artist who, not being a military man, designed the gun ports with aesthetics in mind. He built the ports, a funnel shaped in which to shoot out of, backwards. As a result, even if you were a lousy shot, the the port would funnel the bullets into the portal. It must have been a short war.

    The bus ride to San Jose from Heredia on the more expensive, (no standing, less crowded) bus cost 100 colones, about 42 cents (9/97). It took about 15 minutes and is fairly comfortable although there is not much leg room for someone six ft. tall like me. San Jose seems busy at all hours of the day and night. The streets are packed (depending on where you're from- New Yorkers would feel right at home) with a wide variety of people. Getting to know the street system takes some getting used to. Not all streets have signs so it helps to know exactly where you are going and counting the streets in two's helps. I suggest studying a map or carrying one with you. Even though I'm a fairly big guy and have never been mugged, I suggest staying on the main streets at night and if you must go the Gringo area around Parque Morazan, don't go alone. I felt a definite uneasiness as I was being sized up by the hookers and their male lookouts. If you are alone, join a group of people going in the same direction or better yet stay away altogether. If you must have- ahem female companionship, I suggest getting a room at the Hotel Del Rey and finding what you want at the bar downstairs or use an escort service. And while we're on the subject, even though they should have a health card, remember- no hat, no party. Be safe!! It's not worth your life.

    As I soon found out, if you're coming to Costa Rica for cosmetic surgery, call ahead for an appointment weeks in advance. Some doctors don't open their offices until after 6 or 7 p.m. (if at all) in the private clinics. Most work all day at the public hospitals during the day. And while the doctors speak english, most receptionists don't. You can circumvent this by making appointments via fax. It seems that everybody has one.

    The next day was spent mostly in San Jose. I went to change some money at a place I had heard about but I couldn't find it. A friend of mine back home wanted me to pick up a T-shirt so I thought I would get him something with fish on it (he's an avid fisherman). So, I headed off to the Blue Marlin bar at the Hotel Del Rey where they not only have cheap T-shirts but is also a well known place for ex-pats and fishermen/alcoholics (of which I occasionally fit into the latter category). It is also a well known place of ill repute and while I didn't take advantage of the services available, it is always nice to have young, beautiful women flirt with you even though they are more interested in what's in the back of your pants than what's in front. One of the patrons, an ex-pat of many years, commented on how he doesn't find American women interesting anymore and I tend to agree. There are so many beautiful women here that by the time I get back I'll probably have a sprained neck and perpetual woody. Then I guess I'll have to come back to Costa Rica for rehabilitation! Seriously though, I don't think I have been anywhere where the women are as kind and friendly as they are here.

    I guess now is as good as time as any to talk about prostitution in Costa Rica. First, it is legal and the girls (and men too, but I wouldn't know about that) are supposed to carry a "tarjeta de salud" or health card. All the bars around Parque Morazon are well known as having large numbers of hookers. The government doesn't encourage prostitution and it is against the law to have a pimp, but there does seem to be a pretty good sex-tourism trade. I've heard of many tourists never leaving downtown San Jose to see the beauty of this country and spending their entire vacation gambling in the casinos and sleeping with the women. Many of the women are not "professionals" but rather are looking for a quick buck and possibly hooking up with a rich foreigner. If you're interested, check out James Kennedy's book "Happy Ageing with Costa Rican Women". There are quite a few retirees here in Costa Rica and I assume that they are pretty happy about the situation here. Please be careful though, they can come up with some pretty ingenious ways of relieving you of your money- all of it!!. So, keep your passport and money in the hotel safe and carry only what you need. A good place to just sit and watch pretty women is the central park in Alajuela.

    That night I went to a small bar atop a hotel about 10 blocks north of Parque Central in Heredia. It has a great view and I had the "boca grande" platter, a tray of appetizers. It was great and very filling too. The prices there are a little higher than in some of the cheaper bars, where you can get a beer at happy hour, 2 for 1, for about 70 cents. Altogether, I spent about $16.00 for the platter, 3 beers and 3 specialty mixed drinks. At night the view of the central valley is spectacular, a great place to bring a date.

    Day 4 is the day I go to stay with the family I will be with for the next two weeks while I'm in school. The house, la casa de Henry and Roselle Rameriz Sumbado, is a beautiful two story house, with an unusual design, wooden ceilings and doors, excellent trim and tile work and a cold water hotub in the backyard. It's a house I would be proud to own anywhere in the world. San Antonio de Belen (Belen) is a small, quiet community unlike the hustle and bustle of San Jose. Excellent vistas, lots of pretty women and quiet neighbourhoods. The tile work down here is fantastic. It's everywhere. On the walls, on the floors, on fences, in bathrooms. I even saw a garage floor done with tile. This is my first day of speaking only spanish and it can be quite intimidating. It can make you homesick quick but that's why I'm here, to experience a different lifestyle and culture. It sure beats the crap out of the same old, same old back in Tallahassee. As with all new things, it takes some getting used to. I went for a walk to familiarize myself with the town about 2:30 and had a beer in a small bar (they're all small but this one was really small) by one of the bus stops. Although I was flirting with one of the women, one of the patrons was putting on a humorous show on how not to drink, so I left to explore the town some more. The clouds started to come in (this is the rainy season after all and it rains most days around 4:00 for an hour or two) so I duck into a pleasant looking bar. When I left it turned out to be only five doors down from where I was staying. Look out liver!!!

    While I'm thinking about it, Martha gave me the number of a good, inexpensive excursion service. Chippa (422-1184) has 4 buses for trips all over Costa Rica. His main clientele is Ticos (i.e. no english spoken), however the prices are great which brings me to another point. Learn as much spanish as you can before coming and be serious about it because in the small outlying towns, almost no english is spoken. You will absolutely enjoy your trip more, in direct relation to amount of spanish you know. Although there are enclaves of ex-pats and Canadians, it is pretty dull if you only stick to those areas, and their higher prices. You won't get the flavor and spice of the country by speaking only english. As far as spanish schools go, I could have gone to Guatemala for a lot cheaper but considering that I also came for surgery and the fact there is an open season on tourists in most parts of Latin America, I think I made the right choice. I believe the immersion method will improve your skills much faster than traditional methods. The safety and comfort factors and peace of mind of Costa Rica is worth the extra bucks if you can afford it. It's hard to learn a language if you're not sure if you're going to be kidnapped. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I've never been to Guatemala but the time I have spent in the border towns of Mexico haven't left me with the safest feelings.

    While I was at Martha's I got a chance to watch TV. There is cable and they get several US stations that are subtitled in spanish and quite a few Costa Rican channels. The programming runs several weeks behind in programming. Who gives a crap anyway. I didn't come here to sit in a hotel room and watch TV.

    Sunday is a sleep-in day, that means 9:00. Here people go to bed much earlier and get up much earlier. The family I'm staying with has an excellent cook from Nicaragua. Every meal just gets better. After doing some studying, go out for some serious exploration. First was Ojo de Agua, about a 30 minute walk north of town. I could have taken a taxi, but what fun would that be?? You miss so much by driving. Ojo de Agua is a series of swimming pools with a small waterfall that drains into a lake. It's very popular with Tico families and teens and the water ids ice-cold, being fed by natural springs. There's a path around the lake where lovers smooch and rowboats are available for rental. Very nice but somewhat crowded.

    On the way there and really throughout the whole day, I saw more beautiful houses than I have seen in a lifetime. I have seen some grand mansions in my day, but the small casas here have them all beat. They do more with a quarter acre than most do with twenty. The houses here almost adjoin the street so there is more room for a backyard. As with all the houses here, there are intricate wrought ironworks over the windows. Most people have their windows open all the time hence the ironwork. Tile work is everywhere and it is amazing. It would cost an arm and a leg for the same kind of work in the States.

    Before I paint too rosy a picture, let's get real. On a clear day, it truly is beautiful. Surrounded by mountains with a cloud canopy covering their tops, perfect weather that rarely changes more than 10 degrees, fields of coffee and fruit trees and views one simply cannot describe. However, there are a lot of people and wherever there are a lot of people there is trash and Costa Ricans have not caught on to the idea of litter disposal. "Tira la basura por la ventana" is a sign you see on buses- it means throw your trash out the window!! Another thing you will immediately notice is that most stores are no bigger than your garage and frankly I like it that way. Small business is alive and well and living in Costa Rica, just as it was 40 years ago before Sam Walton gave us the megastore. But let's not forget the mall, my next excursion. A real mall right by a real highway, the perfect cure for homesickness and culture shock. There were a few differences though, most notably the people will actually happy to be there and actually enjoying those gourmet favorites- Burger King and McDonalds. There was a small ice rink for the children to play on and an unusual escalator design. I really enjoyed watching the people use them, as it was obvious that many had never used them before. Kids were crying and some older women simply would not get on them newfangled devices and took the elevator instead. Like malls everywhere, they were somewhat overpriced but not too much considering the import tax just about doubles the prices. Luckily, the things I am interested are not overpriced such as the friendliness of the people, the beauty of the country, and the outstanding climate. I live in Florida where winters are mild and summers are hot but I must have walked eight miles and never broke a sweat. The nights are just cool enough to need an extra sheet and I've only seen about six mosquitos and that's with the windows open 24 hrs./7 days.

    Ticos are well known for the value they place on family instead of material possessions (like the rest of the world, things are changing here too) and it is no more evident than in the children. I know kids in the US that have hundreds of toys and couldn't be unhappier yet tonight I witnessed two children playing with a cheap transistor radio and couldn't be more pleased. Well behaved and- happy!! So far I've seen about three toys in this house and it's not because they can't afford it (they drive a BMW) but because of the lifestyle they have and the fact that children can play with anything and be happy.

     The roads-what can you say about the roads??? Hmmm......they SUCK!! The cars here are mostly foreign and there have been a few which I have never seen before. The drivers here use the horn as a tool to communicate with friends,enemies,dogs,other motorists and sometimes, I believe, the birds as well. Drivers are either sitting on a pile of thumbtacks or think that driving is an adventure that must be done with the most daring maneuvers done on the movie "Lethal Weapon". Driving in the country might be fine but I wouldn't drive in San Jose without about 10 million in life insurance and a motorcycle helmet. I never thought a bus, a car and a motorcycle could fit on a road about as wide as a driveway filled with potholes. When you are walking, you will soon find that you do NOT have the right of way and you will be run over.

    Monday starts like most Mondays in the world except that no alarm clock is needed. San Antonio de Belen, like most small towns here, every morning around 5:30, someone rings the church bells and just like an alarm clock, it rings again at 6:00. I am living about 4 blocks from the church and I can assure you that it is quite effective at waking me up. If you want to sleep late, I suggest bringing earplugs, not just for church bells and traffic noise but because even the birds are rather vocal.

    This is my first day at the language school. The director, Rita, speaks english very well and made me feel at ease as I went through orientation. From this point on, most everything is in spanish. This is to get you accustomed to hearing the language and lets you hear how common questions and answers sound like in real-life situations and at a natural speed. The first few days, if you know any spanish (and I know very little) is spent talking about yourself and your likes and dislikes. This is an effective method of learning to talk about things you will be using everyday. By talking about what you plan to do and have done covers most situations involving travel and eating out, shopping, etc.

    I've come to Costa Rica in the slow season, their winter or rainy season. Most everyday it will rain for an hour or two so a good umbrella is a must. Raincoats are too hot as it's a constant 72 degrees depending on the elevation. As for me, I find a big umbrella is necessary to keep the rain from soaking the tips of my shoes even though it's more of a hassle. Here's a hint for the guys, use a black umbrella or you'll suffer some embarrassing stares. No, I won't tell you how I found that out. They even have two different names for them, "paraguas" for men, "sombrillas" for women, the only difference being color.

    The different schools have different hours so use that in figuring out which school is more cost effective. Other guidelines are; how far to the school, how many meals are included, location, quality of teachers and word of mouth recommendations. If you already have a place to stay and plan to eat out alot, tutors can be found in the Tico Times, the english language newspaper, for about $4-$5/hr. I chose a school whose family serves meals three times a day, five and a half hours study 5 days a week.

    To the walking persons delight, there are small bars every couple of blocks. Some serve "bocas "(appetizers) free, others are not but always cheap. You might pay a little more for a beer in the places with free bocas but to me it's worth it. Bavaria, a Costa Rican premium beer costs about $1.30 and Heinekin (locally produced) costs about $1.50. With an appetizer choice of seafood soup, pork ribs, ceviche, black bean soup, spaghetti, fried fish and sausage with every drink you could probably live in the bars. Of course these prices change as the value of the colon fluctuates. I spent most of the day talking with an American living here on permanent vacation-something to do with his family owning Bacardi, and a fellow student (well actually the only other student, another reason to come during the rainy season) named Marcie and a Tico who spent some time in the US before moving back to Costa Rica.

    Birds chirping, the stirring of traffic and the whirring of a blender full of fresh fruit- this is morning in San Antonio de Belen. My second day at school was fun also. As you start to get the hang of it, and start understanding a few more words everyday, life becomes less stressful. People can actually understand you even though it's hard to understand more than a few words from them but it is pretty easy to get your point across with the help of hand gestures and pointing. I went to the mall with Marcie and saw the movie "Nothing to Lose". It was cool to see how the people enjoyed even though they had to read the spanish subtitles. Popcorn was sold in small plastic bags to keep it fresh and there was nachos and other junk food available too. Costa Rica is a modest country and I noticed that the subtitles really toned down the bad language in the movie. While some women do dress sexy, people make a point of being very clean and dressing nicely is obviously a point of pride with them. Most men wear slacks with only a few wearing blue jeans and children wear uniforms to school. Now at the pool, however, women wear the usual bikinis but the men wear speedos, all of 'em, fat and thin, young and old- no modesty there.

    Coming back from the theatre, we walked down the hill from the mall to Belen. The only time I have felt uneasy about walking at night was in San Jose and I was alone. In Costa Rica, walking and taking buses and taxis are the norm as versus the US where everybody has a car. Even though this is a very safe country, it's best to exercise caution. Carry only what you will need for the day, and in different places, i.e. use a neck pouch or leg pouch (a calf brace works good) and definitely don't carry a wallet unless it's in your front pocket. Pickpockets work the buses and streets and are very good at what they do. A favorite ploy is for someone to spill something on you and under the pretense of helping you clean up, clean out your wallet. Be careful with backpacks too, they can slit it open as you are walking. I carry about $20 in my front pocket, $100 in a neck pouch and the rest back at home. That should cover most situations.

    Day seven is my third day in school and I have been learning quickly. My teacher (I am the only student in my class and I love the personalized instruction as vs. group instruction) really started moving me along- really piling on the work. I quickly realized that grammar was not going to be as easy as I thought but this is what I'm paying for. I waited until coming to Costa Rica to visit a dentist. The cost of dental work and generally all surgery, from liposuction to open heart surgery is about two thirds the cost as compared to the US. This is big business in Costa Rica and most of the doctors are US trained. I met a Canadian that saved about $20,000 on heart surgery here and the costs of a hospital room here are about a tenth of what they are in the States. Anyway, I had lost a filling about a year back and I hadn't been to the dentist in several years. It turns out I have 5 cavities. Total cost-$110 plus $25 for cleaning. Try to beat that price in the US!! My dentist is an experienced, US trained, english speaking women that also happens to be very attractive (but alas she's married). She works wonders, however I don't for a second enjoy sitting in a dentist's chair.

    Today was also my first time in a Costa Rican supermarket. It reminded me of a small version of the Walmart based "Sam's Club", where everything is in boxes. There's an impressive array of exotic (well,at least to me) fruits as well as giant bags of rice and other staples. The store is well stocked considering the size of it and the prices are reasonable-$3.42 for a six of Heinekin (they're sold by the can). Don't expect a lot of imported (i.e.US) goods and you won't be disappointed. Since then, I have visited several supermarkets that were exactly the same as in the States, same products too but higher prices. Here's something unusual -they charge you for the plastic bags, a whopping 4 cents, weird-huh??. But people count there pennies here. The average wage is only $150-$250 a month so when they think that you're rich because you make $30,000 a year, you ARE! Think about it, they pay more for cars, electronics, clothes, etc. yet they are happier than most US citizens. Don't let me paint a grim, third world picture with thousands of beggars in the streets. It's much more like the US 50 years ago, that's what makes it so attractive to expatriates and retirees.

    Thursday was an interesting day. After school, I went to the dentist to get the last two cavities filled. I had to leave early, so I'll have to come back. I went to Guadalupe, a small town outside of San Jose for an appointment with a plastic surgeon. I was thinking about having some work done and while it was not cheap, it was certainly less expensive than the States. The doctor was pretty slick, I think he was trying to gouge me. He told me that it would cost $2,500 and I told him that was more than I could afford. I told him that I had heard that similar surgery costs between $800-$1500 .He then countered with "I'll do it for $1,500 but don't tell anybody". Right! I think he's full of bs but I heard he's a good surgeon so I agreed and he managed to squeeze another $150 for the appointment and blood tests. I should have walked out just to see if the price would change. I took a taxi back to San Antonio because I was in a bad mood and I didn't feel like changing buses several times and the wait. The taxi driver didn't know the way very well so I had to direct him. I ended up with a cheap ride because we had agreed upon 1,500 colones but it took so long and it was so far that I gave him 2,000 colones.

    At this point, I was pissed and felt like getting drunk so I headed to my favorite bar and did just that (I'm writing this the next day with a hangover). While there, I hooked up with my buddy, Dave, the Bacardi guy and he offered to have me come along on a deep sea fishing trip with him at no cost. Hmmm.. three days on a yacht for free-OK!! However, I went over to his house with Marcie (I think he has a thing for Marcie) and it was kinda weird. A very nice house by Costa Rican standards but incredibly filthy. They have been ripped off so many times by maids that they won't hire anyone anymore. Dave's stepfather is some sort of recluse genius that's had a nervous breakdown. He's an excellent painter and has a stack of degrees from prestigious universities. He's also writing a novel. He wouldn't come out of his room so I never met him. I have doubts about this fishing trip.

    Friday, I went to school with a hangover and had a great time talking with my teacher, a woman in her thirties, about how to ask out women in spanish and other tips on dating Ticas. Now that's what I call personalized learning. It was kind of embarrassing when it got to the part about how to ask if she wants to have sex. This was in preparation for a date she had set up for me. Pretty cool, huh? I had told her I was interested in dating Ticas and this school certainly gears your education towards your interests!!

    So Saturday comes along and I travel to Alajuela to meet her. This is a town by the airport similar to all the towns I have visited so far. It has several parks and a very nice Central Park. Of course, there are hundreds of small shops that sell everything from shoes to pencils. It's very different from the US where a store tries to specialize in one type of product. Alajuela has a small mall and something very interesting. The second floor was devoted to baby-sitting the children while the parents shop. It's free and they have attendants to watch the kids while they play on a minature train, those inflated balloon rooms and other toys. In the middle of the mall, Ronrico put on a calypso show and gave free samples away.

    My Tica date attractive, thin and very nice but I didn't feel any chemistry for her even though I felt she was attracted to me. We had a fairly good time that has hindered by the fact that she spoke NO english and my spanish sucks. We spent most of the day hunting words in the dictionary trying to communicate. Even when I had the right words, my pronunciation wasn't exactly correct so she didn't understand anything until I showed her the word in the dictionary. Sometimes, I can understand all the words in a sentence and still not get the meaning. Please God, never let me get frustrated with talking to a foreigner in the US because I now know exactly how they feel. The same is true for learning english if you speak another language. Many words in english have several different meanings.

    We had lunch in a restaurant she knew of (slightly expensive, of course, they think we're all rich and women are the same all over the world....right, guys??) that had some good shrimp dinners. After about six hours of trying to communicate, I was exhausted so after about 10 minutes I finally got the message through that I was heading home. I just wanted to NOT speak spanish for a little while. I hooked up with Dave and Marcie at the bar and talked nothing but english until about midnight. Marcie thinks I'm really shallow because I'm attracted to women around 27 (I'm 40). She's probably right but I can't help that. I guess I'm like the Seinfield character, I never really grew up. Of course, growing up in that Never-Never land Athens,GA , where you don't have to grow up (and most of my friends there still haven't), sure didn't help. One plus about the younger women here is that they are more likely to speak some english which I would really like at this point. I don't want a supermodel, just someone I'm attracted to.

    Sunday, I slept late. It's the day before my surgery and I go for a walk. The signs for the butterfly farm start in Belen and one of them says 3km. I head off to check out the farm and as it turns out the sign meant 3 km to the turnoff to the farm. It turns out to be about 12 miles!! My feet are killing me. I'm just not used to all this walking. The "farm" is actually a screened in enclosure the size of a small backyard. The La Gucima butterfly farm is a must see in most guidebooks. It has hundreds of butterflies and many unusual ones, some that are raised for export. I didn't think it was worth $13.00. It was raining fairly hard and I asked the bilingual guide where the bus stop was. He said he thought he could get me a ride with the farms hotel pickup driver. It was the last tour of the day and he would be riding with us in the van. I was glad to not be walking or taking the bus and they had to go through Belen anyway on their way to San Jose. It's nice to meet so many friendly and helpful people here. I gave the guide and driver a few bucks for the ride which they tried to refuse but I insisted. Maybe a little diplomacy now might help in the future when they run across "the Ugly American" that US tourists around the world have come to be known as. I had dinner at the only chinese restaurant in Belen. It was good but the same price that it would be in the US.

    Monday- surgery day. Today is the big day of my surgery or so I thought. I woke up around three and couldn't go back to sleep. Around five, I got dressed and headed off to San Jose's Clinica Biblica. Like most hospitals, it's confusing and even more so because my spanish is so poor. I arrive a few minutes before 7:30, the time I was told to be there. Well, 8:00 rolls around and then 8:30 and then 9:00 and still no doctor. By this time, I'm pissed!! I'm cranky because I got up early, travelled all the way to San Jose. I'm hungry and thirsty (no eating or drinking 8 hours before surgery) so around 9:15, I leave and head back to Belen. Around 10:30, the doctor's secretary calls and I'm not in the mood to play "Can you figure out what I'm saying?" and mange to tell the secretary in my broken spanglish to have the doctor call me. He calls about ten minutes later and says that I must have misunderstood him. I was supposed to be at the hospital at 7:30 so I would be assured of a slot in one of the operating rooms and that he would be there around 10:00. I think I would have remembered that!! I blow him off by telling him I'll call him next week. I might, maybe. I wanted to rethink this- I'm only about 20 lbs. overweight but I can't seem to lose it. I check around a little and find that most doctors charge between $1,500 and $2,500 for liposuction of the love handles and stomach. Considering all the walking I've been doing, I'll probably lose the weight by the time I get back anyway.

    By the way, I went to the bank today and found out that they will not accept money that is torn, even slightly, well worn money, or even money that has those stamp marks that bills get when they're on top of a stack when the bank counts them. This is really incredible considering the shit they give you in return. Some of the colones are so well worn that you can barely make out the denomination.

    Tuesday was the first day I have had with another student. He is a Taiwanese man about the same age as me. He speaks no english and our only means of communicating is through spanish. He has been living here for about 3 years. Enough small talk- big news. I've been going to that bar a few doors down from the house every now and then. A very pretty girl around 21 works there and while we smile at each other, she seems to be pretty distant. There was no one in the bar I usually go to and I didn't feel like paying extra for beer and wasn't hungry for bocas. So, I went to the bar by my house and there was no one there either. Well, I started talking with the girl that works in the bar and she is really friendly (just quiet). I asked about whether she was married and she said she has a boyfriend. Oh well, the girl is a 9 and a half in my book so you would expect her to have a boyfriend. She asked about me and no I haven't been married (close,twice) and what kind of girl was I interested in. I told her exactly like you except older. Boy, that changed everything!! She speaks very little english and although my spanish is improving rapidly, she shows me with the help of some coins spread out on the table that she thought it was OK for a young woman in Costa Rica to be married to an older man, and we talking and flirting and I'm falling in love with her already (one of my many faults- I fall in love at the drop of a hat). Even though I didn't want to leave, I had told the family I was staying with I was going to eat dinner with them, so I left.

    I ate quickly and returned to the bar and she was getting an earful from her friends at the end of the bar and at the same time she was on the phone. I don't know for sure but by the tone of the conversation she was being talked out of dating a gringo but it didn't look like it was fazing her. The bar started filling up so she had to get back to work. I wrote a little note to be discreet, saying how I would like to practice my spanish with her sometime and she said "yes"! Got to go- time for a date with the most beautiful girl in Costa Rica.

    Things change quickly for me. I just trust in God that He will lead me in the right direction. The girl from the the bar, Mariela, didn't show up for our date and I was bummed out. I went by the bar where she works to find out why. She said her son was sick so we set up another date but this time I was going to meet her at the school and we would go to lunch. She came by the school early and told me that she had been called into work. Now, I'm wondering if this one is for real or not. It seems to me that if she wasn't interested she would just say so and quit stringing me along. I had planned on leaving early for the date even though this was friday- graduation day. My teacher, Isabel, and I talked some more about the situation with Mariela and she offered to go talk to her discreetly. The people, and especially Isabel, are so helpful that I would recommend this school to anyone. School info at the end. I hesitated but I thought what the hell, if she's playing games with me, maybe Isabel will tell her off and if she's serious, I'll find out what's going on.

    Well, it turned out to be a wise decision. Isabel came back brimming. It turns out that Mariela thought I was playing games with her. She was worried that I was like a lot of Costa Rican men, playing the field even though they're married and lie about it. She wanted to know if I was really single, that I didn't mind that she had a child (which is a drawback, I suppose, for some men- something              I don't understand), that I wasn't just after sex, did I believe in God,etc...She did everything but say yes to marriage. Isabel asked her if she had a problem with moving to the States, learning english, etc.. No problem.. This is getting interesting!!

    I had made plans with Marcie to go to Arenal Volcano when Mariela stood me up the last time. When I get back, I plan on spending the rest of my vacation getting to know Mariela better. I'm already in love with her and I think it might get serious quick. Pretty damn scary but I really have nothing to lose. What's that someone said about 'tis better to have loved and lost'. You take all sorts of chances in life, so..........

    Saturday was a long bus ride, five hours, to La Fortuna, the town closest to Tabacon hot springs resort. The bus ride was at times very crowded and I gave up my seat, as is the custom, to a woman with a baby and stood up for an hour or so. It gave me a chance to talk with an Canadian couple going to the same area and get away from Marcie's nonstop talking. We checked in to a hotel on the main street across from the soccer field. We had dinner with the Canadian couple and drank a few beers. The restaurant was like a giant, open air, thatched roof hut that had a ping pong table off in the corner (there really is nothing to do in this small towns). We had wanted to go to the resort that night but it was getting late so I settled for trouncing the Canuk's ass in ping pong and we headed back to the hotel to get a good nights sleep. On the way out, there was a small group gathered around a couple of guitar players and we got to talking, I played a couple of songs on the guitar, and they played some and sang for a while before heading back to Cabinas Carmela. Room #8 was great and it's only $10/night.

    I can safely say that I have been to the most beautiful place on earth. It is absolute paradise!! Tabacon Hot Springs Resort is where I want to die.  The entrance fee is steep- $13.00 as is the food and drinks but what an absolute wonderland. Located at the base of the volcano, a large stream is diverted to run through six or so, natural type pools surrounded by large bromeliads and other assorted flora before running into the main swimming pools. The main pool has a slide and a swim-up bar. The water runs about 95 degrees and there are a couple of cooler water pools in case you get too hot. There is also a waterfall you can sit under and get the massage of your life. I spent seven hours going from pool to pool to waterfall to swim-up bar.

    I met two guys from California that were staying in Fortuna also. Marcie and I met up with them at the restaurant later. It turns out they were staying at the hotel across the street from the restaurant and we had kept them up with all the singing and laughing the night before. I thought they might have been gay from the way they were acting at the resort. A couple of young Ticas had been flirting with them , but they didn't seem to be interested. It turns out they had been doing acid and consuming mass quantities of alcohol since there arrival in Costa Rica. Ah, yes, to be young, dumb and full of you-know- what. One was a record rep and the other was some sort of computer wiz. I think it's a waste of money but I, too, was wild once. Marcie decides to stay out late with them but I'm going to get up early so I can get back to Belen to see Mariela.

    I took a bus to San Carlos and there caught a direct bus to San Jose. What a huge difference. The bus was actually comfortable and almost everyone fell asleep despite the beauty rolling by out the window. I get off in Alajuela because I didn't know if I was going to be able to stop any closer to Belen and I sure didn't want to go all the way into San Jose. Although the bus says direct, it does stop to let people off. It's a lot cheaper to take a taxi from Alajuela than it is from San Jose. I hate the traffic and crowds there anyway when I'm tired.

    When we get to Belen, it's raining so I head to the only hotel I know of near to Belen. It's expensive for me ($65/night/low season) but I don't splurge that often and it's really nice- gym, giant rooms, cable TV, pool, jacuzzi, restaurant, bar, and a bathroom the size of my living room with a giant tub with HOT water. I'm soaking in the tub as I write this. Most places have only a shower with an attachment to the shower head that looks like some sort of electrocution device that only trickles out warm water. The place is deserted and I head to the bar for some company. The only one there is the bartender, him with his bad english and me with my bad spanish, and we talk for a while. I'm used to the $10 cabinas and as with most hotels, the staff could never afford to stay at a place like the ones they work at, so the bartender goes against the rules and helps me find a cheaper place. He helps me make reservations at Apartotel Oro in the middle of Belen. An apartotel is a cross between an apartment and a hotel room. It rents by the week for around $250. Once again, I tip the bartender well, diplomacy and all that.

    So what about the food?? Well, they do chicken well and an egg is an egg but a cow is not a cow. The beef I've had here is not that good. Costa Rican fare can get boring quickly so I like to mix it up with Italian and Chinese.

    Tuesday, I sleep late and then head off to the apartotel. It's a nice place, it has a small living room with an attached kitchen, two large bedrooms. All the amenities of home including pots and pans and a jacuzzi tub too. I went to the Pali supermercado to get some food so I can start cooking again. I made some of favorite Cuban food, papas reyenos. Mariela was supposed to meet me at the school and doesn't show up-AGAIN!! I'm really pissed now and I'm tempted to just forget about her but what about all those things she said and she does have to take care of her son. She has no phone and the last time I saw her I didn't have a number she could call. But this is getting ridiculous. I may believe in fate and all that other stuff but I'm not stupid. If this is any indication if the future-forget her....time to reconsider again. Life sure does hand me a shit sandwich when it comes to love. Marcie said she would be coming back today but I don't know about her- she's a little mental. Anyway, she needs a place to crash for a few days and I have an extra bedroom. At least I'll have someone to vent on. What ticks me off even more is that I changed my plans for her. Well, I've already paid for a week at the apt. Maybe, I'll get surgery after all. Hell, I don't know what to do.

    I haven't done anything for two days now. I stayed in the house catching up on TV and being depressed. I went to Mac's American bar in Escazu. It's actually two bars, one atop the other and the upper bar has pool tables and dart boards. It's owned by Marcus and Lofty, two friendly Brits trying to make a living here. I also met someone who exports cigars (aka smuggler). I meet a lot of people here that are trying to figure out a way to stay here forever. Since you're not really allowed to work, it's not that easy. Lofty and I had a good time playing darts, we're about evenly matched but I mange to beat him. Escazu has a lot of ex-pats and some nice neighbourhoods and stores. Escazu rises above the central valley over San Jose with great views. Marcie has been staying at the apartment and I think we might go to the beach soon.

    Thursday, I went back to Loftys to get the black(!) umbrella I bought. I forgot it the other night. Lofty told me about a friend of his that runs a dive shop in Flamingo, an expensive resort area on the Pacific coast, and I did bring my dive card so I made plans to fly out there the next day. I'm kinda tired of Marcie talking bull all the time so I decide to go it alone and make a reservation at a B&B close to Flamingo. As usual with my life things change quickly. I went out to dinner with Marcie at Marisqueria Marlin, great food but a little expensive. On the way back we were passing by the bar Unicornio where Mariela works, and I decided to go in and say goodbye to Mariela for the last time. She apologizes for missing me the other day- Ticos have no sense of time and no Tico has ever been known to arrive on time in the history of the country- absolutely exasperating! She says she looked all over town for me. All of this is written in a note which I have taken back to the apartment to decipher. I decide to write her a note and tell her how I feel about her before I leave. It's time to take a chance and just wear my heart on my sleeve. I explain as well as I can in bad spanish that I think she is not interested in a serious relationship like marriage and how disappointed I was with her. I also told her how much I liked her and how much I had been thinking about her. I return to the bar to deliver the note and hang around for a little while. I find out later that her boyfriend works at the bar and this is the reason for all the note passing. She tells me she needs to think about things for a while and asks me to escort her home. I escort her home with one of the girls she works with and I can't stand it anymore. I'll be leaving in three days and I can't stand the thought of leaving so there, amongst the macadamias, like a nut, I ask her to marry me. Her answer" when?"." Tomorrow, of course!!", I reply. So the next time I write will be the conclusion of this little story and you (and me) will know how it turns out.
 
 
 

                                Part 2

                                        "Mi Amor"
 

    Let me tell you a little about the Costa Rican bureaucracy. It sucks. For the most part, Tico time (the time of the appt. and the time they actually show up, if they show up at all) takes some getting used to. I t is infuriating. I spent most of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, my last three days in Costa Rica, waiting in lines, talking on the telephone trying to get something done, taking taxis from office to office and not getting much done. BUT- on Wednesday morning -we got married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, we could not get a visa in time for her to come with me back to the States. We got her and our son passports (a whole other story in itself) but because of the long lines at the US embassy, I had to leave Costa Rica without her. I'm sitting in a hotel room in Miami very sad. The following information is incorrect but it is what I was told at the time. I thought all you had to do is get married and your wife would become a citizen automatically. Boy was I wrong. Read on. It turns out, if you want a visa quickly, the only type you can get is a tourist visa. A resident visa doesn't take that long but your marriage license has to be recorded in the National Registry, approx. 30 days. So now she is trying to get a tourist visa and we'll try to get the residency visa when she gets here. It's hard to believe I'm married to such a beautiful woman. I have a lot of work to do before she gets here. My friends always knew I was a nut but they're going to flip out on this one. I wish we could have had more time to spend with each other before I had to leave. It took 45 minutes just to cash my travellers checks at the bank in Belen so we would have enough money to buy her a plane ticket. I regret having to rush through the airport without the chance for a proper goodbye (much less a honeymoon).

    Travellers tip; forget what the guidebooks say about bringing small denominations, except for a few twenties, bring crisp, new, clean (no stamp marks or writing) $100 bills and $100 travelers checks. If you're staying much longer than a month, deposit your money and get a bankcard. It's a lot easier than standing in line and waiting for the clerks to inspect each and every bill with a microscope- well, sometimes it felt like that. Oh well, Saturday is only two days away, and I'll be able to talk to her then. My teacher, Isabel, and her son, who has spent time in the States and speaks english fluently, were an invaluable help this last week and I owe them a debt of gratitude I can never repay. If it hadn't have been for them, none of this would have worked out. They came with me to meet her family and helped tremendously, especially with communicating with my new father-in-law. Man, I was nervous. They actually took the news well despite the fact that I'm much older than she is. I explained to him, as best as I could, that I love and respect his daughter and want their blessing. It was a nerve-wracking experience.
 
 
 

     It has been months since I married my wonderful wife and I am still dealing with the attorney we hired in Costa Rica. GIANT NOTICE to anyone thinking of getting married in Costa Rica. Let me explain- first, if you get married before you leave the country, it takes between 2-14 months (wrong again, more about that later) before your wife is allowed into the US. However, IF she is able to get a tourist visa (not that easy, many Costa Ricans complain that we are able to visit their country and they aren't allowed to visit ours, a valid argument) or she is able to get a fiancee visa (2-5 months wait), she will not be deported just because you got married here in the States. You will have to pay a $1,000 fine if she came on a tourist visa. Even though you are married, it doesn't mean that your wife is able to just hop on a plane and come with you. I sure wish I knew this four months ago!! The Costa Rican bureaucracy may be infuriating but ours is disgusting!! When I got back, I found out I didn't need a lawyer at all, but simply fill out the forms from the Immagration and Naturalization Service (I.N.S.). The Catholic Social Services had someone that was able to help me with the forms

    So while I wait I try to learn more spanish. I study for an hour or so everyday but it can never take the place of the immersion method of learning and daily speaking with native speakers. The books I have found to help the most are the "Teach yourself" series- "Basic Grammar, Spanish Verbs and my favorite Basic Spanish". Other books I'm using are "Street Spanish and 2001 Idioms". Tapes are very helpful, it's important to listen to spanish spoken at a natural speed and as you learn more you will be able to pick up bits and pieces. If you have a Spanish television channel in your area, it can help too- the news and soaps are the best for learning, the soaps because of the slower speech and the news because you probably already know the story and there are pictures to give you clues to what they're talking about. It's fairly easy to learn how to ask for things but it's the responses that baffle most people.

    I want to comment the Costa Rican people for their generosity and friendliness. They are a wonderful, helpful people, in general, and I have made many friends that I'm sure I will visit again in the future. Even the Americans I have met in Costa Rica, I have felt a stronger bond to, as if we are all adventurers and of a different breed, and in a way, I guess we are. A quick word about the word "American". It's offensive and arrogant to use in other countries because it's incorrect. There are North Americans, Central Americans and South Americans and it's wrong for people from the US to claim to be the only "Americans".

    It's been four months and I've finally got all the paperwork (almost) I need to apply for immigration. After faxing my wife every other day, my spanish has improved a good bit but not to the point where I can keep up in a conversation. The immigration rules here suck with a capitol "S"!! Direct from the immigration itself- A fiancee visa takes 4-6 weeks and a resident visa takes up to 2 YEARS!!!!!! There is no way for a wife to get a tourist visa, they will not issue one if they think there is a possibility that she might stay in the US. This country is really screwed up. I found a web site devoted to the thousands of people just like me and are lobbying, to no avail, to change these ridiculous laws. Not only must you have a bunch of crap but you have to prove your income for the last three years is over a certain amount to even be considered. If I could find a way, I'd move to Costa Rica in a heartbeat.

    Anyway, I can't stand it any longer. I'm leaving for a trip back to Costa Rica even though I can't afford it but I have to see my wife and son. The trip is uneventful other than this time, I take Continental Connections to Miami. This plane is much smaller than the US airways plane I took last time. You really have to crouch down to get to your seat and they don't offer any cokes or snacks. I also have a stopover in Tampa. But I'm flying on the cheap, so it doesn't really matter. Because I know what to expect, I zip through customs and there my wife and her family are there to meet me. Soon we part company and my wife, son and I are off to Hotel Mirador Pico Blanco.

    I don't know if I can say enough about this place. It's located in the hills of Escazu overlooking the Central Valley. The restaurant and most of the rooms have absolutely incredible views and at night the city below lights up in a spectacular display. It is very romantic. The restaurant has good food at reasonable prices and the staff, some of whom speak english, are friendly and helpful. While not the least expensive hotel in the area ($50/night), I believe it is one of the best at any price. It also has real hot water, not the shower head attachment kind. It is owned by an Englishman who married a Tica about 25 years ago.

    I won't go into details, but since my wife and I hadn't had a real honeymoon before I left, you can use your imagination about what we spent most of our time doing. We did manage to visit a restaurant called "Muy" the next night. The restaurant is located about a mile up from the hotel. We took a taxi there, the terrain becomes very steep, and this place even topped the Pico Blanco for views. It's a sort of Tex-Mex place that serves barbecue. The meat was a little tough and overcooked as it seems to be in all of Costa Rica.

    Friday, we're off to the beach at Montezuma. We leave early to catch a direct bus to Puntarenas. A short taxi trip takes us to the Paquerana or "lancha", a small, slow passenger boat that will take us to Paquera. While we were waiting, I witness the only violence (if you can call it that) I have seen in Costa Rica. Two bums were arguing and one grabbed the other by the throat. Someone else steps in and breaks it up. The whole thing lasts about 10 seconds and not a blow was thrown. At least it broke up the boredom, or tranquility depending on how you look at it. There are many interesting boats on the way out to the bay we will be crossing. The fishing boats ranged from odd looking steel hulled ships to tiny, death traps that looked like if they caught more than three fish they would sink. There was even one that was a hollowed out tree trunk like you might see in Polynesia.

    The bus is waiting to meet the lancha when we dock. This is not the modern express bus like we took to get to Puntarenas, but rather an old school bus with wood seats that quickly fills to about 50% over-capacity and heads off through the narrow and bumpy roads. By the time we get to Cobano, the crowd has thinned considerably and the dusty road gets much worse. When we get to Montezuma, we lug our stuff over the Hotel Amor de Mar. This place is what picture postcards are made of.  Hardwood and teak everywhere, from driftwood railings to the furniture. Our room overlooks a lush green lawn leading to the sea with hammocks and chair under the palm trees. Next to the hotel is a tidal pool perfect for children. For the next few days we do nothing but play with our son, visit the waterfalls, eat and pretty much do nothing (well,except you know what). Surprisingly, there is about the same amount of french and german speaking people here as there are english and of course everybody speaks spanish. We ate at Sano Banano, a good, mostly vegetarian restaurant that is also the local cinema of sorts. They pull down a screen at night and as long as you're eating or drinking there's no charge. We also had pizza right up the street from Sano Banano and some good continental food at Las Artisitas. We had so not so good food at El Parque located right on the beach. Our favorite was Las Cascadas, down from the waterfalls at the bridge. Multilingual staff, good food, reasonable prices, friendly. There is not much to do here in Montezuma and I get quickly bored. We're not into late night partying, surfing or drugs so we spend most of our time lounging about in the sun and of course I get sunburned. The last night we spend here is the second annual charity function that was hosted at our hotel. There are several bands and some interesting, albeit weird, acts. Most of the bands were awful but there were some that were pretty good. The whole town shows up and is soon having a good time dancing and drinking and doing the hippie thing. I think most of the people moved here right after Woodstock and haven't changed a lick since. I mean chanting for God's sake. Some people, I guess, really want to live this way and this is as good a place as any to be their never-never land. To me, it's just a reminder of the 10 or so years I wasted during that period.

    Anyway, I'm sunburnt and hot and I'm ready to get back even if it does mean riding down that damn bus again. We never did get to see the monkeys although you could hear them. We spend Monday night at my wife's parents house. Dang, I need to learn more spanish. I couldn't understand nine-tenths of what was said, it just goes by too quick. I didn't care, I was exhausted. The fans we slept with at Amor de Mar have given me sinus problems and now I'm sick.

    My last full day is Tuesday and my wife and I head off alone this time to Pico Blanco. She loves the place and so do I. We went to the mall to do some shopping and saw the movie "Titanic". When the movie was over, we both head to the bathroom and I tell you, you have never heard such silence before in a men's bathroom, just a few sniffles. If I hadn't been so sad about leaving the next day, it would have been funny. We take a little nap back at the hotel and there is some more crying involved. I love my wife very much and it is incredibly cruel to not be able to bring her back with me to the States. It has been a fabulous week watching the giant scarlet macaws outside our windows and laying by the pool, the beautiful sunsets and views, there with my beautiful, loving, caring wife.

    I have returned to Tallahassee now and I've never felt sadder. I pray that God will help us be together soon. I am seriously considering dumping my business and moving there even though it would mean a huge loss of income. Oh well- life can certainly be cruel.

    There's a saying about visiting Costa Rica- bring twice the money and half the clothes. I came back to the States with one dollar and my credit cards. I had brought a pair of dress shoes with me that I never wore and I would have traded them in a heartbeat for a pair of sandals. Comfortable walking shoes are the most important thing you can bring.

                                                        The End (almost)

    Well, where do I begin?? Months and months of waiting go by while about 30 immigration employees work on 20,000 or 30,000 cases before my case will come up for review. Both my wife and I were sick of waiting and decide to move on with our lives. She's young and not able to wait out life like I am. I'm heartbroken and disgusted with my government. I've learned alot about bureaucracies. Maybe, one day, I'll find a way to move there and I suppose it's possible that we could get back together but I'm sure not holding my breath. I hope this story helps you to not make the same pitfalls that I did.

I've gotten quite a few e-mails about this so;

• Yes, it's all too real.
• I have been back several times.
• My wife got tired of waiting and we have both moved on with our lives.(She thought I was lying about the waiting period and that I was really married to someone else already).
• Still looking.

Good luck with your adventures!
 

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