Title:
For Jessica
Author:
Mel (e-mail me at
[email protected])
Disclaimer:
The characters of
JAG are the property of Donald Bellasario, CBS and Paramount and no profit
has been made by my utilising them in my story. Everyone else belongs to
me.
Rating:
PG-13 for language
and angst (you know that angst is a necessity for me).
Pairings:
Harm/Mac friendship
Spoilers: This
takes place during the episode 'Goodbyes' just a few days before Harm leaves.
Summery:
Mac begins to understand why Harm reacted so obsessive and recklessly when
he went after Charlie without back-up and why the case of Annie and Darlin
Lewis affected him so deeply. In Mac's POV.
Archiving:
As long as you ask first, it should be okay.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Harm's Residence
Washington, DC
2315 EST, June 5th
"Are you crazy? Do you have a death wish or
do you just not care?"
I was pissed. No, this went beyond simple
anger...there was not a word to describe the way my blood boiled and the
deep homicidal urge to slowly wring Harm's neck. There have been many times-
more than I could count- when I was mad at Harm but until today I don't
think he has ever been at the end of the full force of my anger. This went
way beyond him quitting JAG for flying and sand-bagging me in court; this
was about suicidal stupidity.
We were standing in the middle of Harm's living
room. I was too mad to sit down, and he was more concerned with quieting
me down than with comfort.
"I had to go after them, Mac," Harm replied
in that 'everything-is-fine' voice of his. Just hearing his casual tone
made me want to deck him right here and now. "I didn't know what he would
do to Darlin. Anyway, this is just like one of the many recon missions
I've been on. You're a *Marine*, you should understand."
The way he was talking, anyone would almost
think he'd just taken a walk in the park instead of pursuing an armed and
dangerous murderer on his own. It wasn't the fact that he had just gone
after Charlie Lynch, it was the fact that he didn't even think to call
for back-up once. Hell, it was one of the first things you learned at the
academy- 'always call for back-up'. Any re-con mission, no matter how safe
it seemed, stated an officer should always have at least one other person
with them. Harm could have so easily been killed at the hands of this psycho
who had callously murdered a small child.
"I think the real reason you're mad is because
I'm going back to flying."
He sounded so smug that it took all of my
self-retraint not to rip out his heart right then and there.
"I can't believe you," I said incredulously.
"He could have killed you and you think I'm more interested in you changing
designation. I don't seem to give a damn about that!"
That wasn't true, of course. It froze me to
the core when he announced he was leaving me for his stupid obsession over
flying. The only reason I did keep quiet was because it would be hypocritical
for me to stop him. Besides, I may be his best friend but I was not his
lord and overseer. Harm had the right to make his own choices and I just
had to stand by and live with them.
Still, it was bad enough to lose Harm to a
bunch of jets on a ship but to lose him to death...to a place where I could
never visit him again would have been unbearable. I found it difficult
to cope when Dalton and Chris died so soon after each other. Then just
a few months ago my father succumbed to cancer and although I hadn't seen
him for years, it still hurt. But for Harm to die...He was my best friend.
Of course, Harm was acting like he didn't
care if he had lived or died tonight. I know a little girl's life was at
stake but to see him behave so damned cavalier really ignited my murderous
rage. This was one of those days when I wondered if Harm really did have
a death wish, he sure as hell acted like he did.
"Maybe it's just as well you're dating Jordan,"
I muttered.
His blue eyes narrowed. "What the hell is
that meant to mean?"
"Well, it looks to me like you were having
suicidal thoughts tonight. No-one in their right mind goes into a situation
like that by themselves. Not only could Lynch have killed you but he might
have turned on the kid." For the first time since his little run-in with
Lynch, Harm looked shocked at what he had done. "Harm, why did you do it?
How could you have been so reckless to have gone after a killer by yourself?"
"I had to do it." He was talking so hushed
that I was straining to hear him. What I did hear without difficulty was
the pain and anguish in his tone. I'd heard it before when he was looking
for his father and later when he discovered his father was dead, but never
had he sounded so tortured. "I did it for Jessica..." His voice was now
barely audible.
Jessica? Who was Jessica? I was so full of
questions. Sometimes it amazed me that while I had my own secrets, Harm
also had his. Maybe if I was not so mysterious, so secretive then he would
feel he could share. I wished more than once that I had told Harm the truth
about John Farrow and Chris.
Harm moved to the window, staring out at nothing.
I inched closer to him, inwardly begging for him to open up.
"Harm, who's Jessica?" I asked in a whisper.
I dreaded what can of worms I was opening but I needed to know what or,
more specifically, who would affect Harm that he would chase a psycho alone.
He bowed his head. "She was my sister..."
"What?!"
Had I heard correctly? Harm was an only child;
that was one thing I knew for certain about him. He was the only child
from the marriage between his mother and late father. His mother could
have had other children with her second husband but surely Harm would have
mentioned a 'little' thing like having younger siblings. We had been partners
for close to three years. However, the fact he had spoken in past tense
had not escaped me.
Before I could quiz him further, he sighed
and turned to face me. I was shocked to see his eyes glistening with unshed
tears. I wanted to put my hand on his cheek, to comfort him, but I knew
that wasn't what he wanted. He was about to tell me something- about Jessica-
and he needed some distance. I stood my ground as he trudged over to his
bureau and slumped into his leather chair.
"Jessica was always so patient with me considering
I was her little bratty brother. There was five years between us and I
always wanted to do what she was doing, to be like the big kid she always
seemed to me. She could so easily have pushed me about- her friends did
so to their kid brothers- but instead Jessica let me tag along." He was
staring at the wall like he held some fascination for him, as he told his
story. "She used to teach me how to play baseball and how to swim...You
know, the family all thought *she* would be the one who would follow
Dad into the Navy. Jessi had many little girl interests but sometimes she
was like a little officer."
Harm remained silent. I could see he was trying
to protect himself from further discussing something he knew was going
to hurt but it had to come out sometime. It would only hurt more if he
kept it to himself. I wasn't talking as an amateur psychologist but as
someone who was all too aware of how secrets always came back eventually.
"What happened, Harm?" I nudged, hoping I
didn't sound too pushy. "What happened to Jessica?"
"She's dead." I empathised at the young, high-pitched
tone he spoke in like he was still a little boy trapped in his memories.
But like always, Harm quickly composed himself. "When Jessica was eight
years old she had gone swimming with some kids in the nearby lake. Her
friend said Jessi had left early because she had homework to finish but...but
she never made it home." Harm fidgeted slightly, his brow furrowed deeply.
"The police found her body a week later in some undergrowths. Her killer
was some scumbag drifter who liked little girls. They said he had panicked
when Jessi screamed and strangled her."
Tears rolled down his cheek and he quickly
brushed them away. Unlike when his father's death was confirmed, Harm was
acting as if Jessica's murder was a confession, which was ridiculous since
he must have only been around three when it happened. No, there was another
reason why the all-too-familiar weight of guilt was bearing down on him.
Harm was now racking around in his bureau
drawer until he finally emerged with a crumpled photo of two young dark-haired
children; a little girl aged around seven or eight and a toddler boy.
"Why do you keep it hidden, Harm?" I asked.
That struck me as odd since both his home
and his office had photographs honouring his father. Why not do the same
for a dead big sister he obviously adored?
He just sat, mesmorised by the photograph
he cradled in his hands. "What Mom and Dad didn't know was that Jessi wasn't
coming home to do homework, I had made her agree to come home early so
she could build my train-set. I made her come home, if she hadn't left
early she wouldn't have walked home alone and she wouldn't have died, Mac.
Don't you see- this was my fault."
I couldn't stop myself. I moved forward and
enfolded him in my arms like he was that guilt-stricken three-year-old
boy instead of my stoic partner. I felt his body shudder as he cried, and
I wondered if this was the first time he had voiced his fears since that
day thirty-two years ago.
"Harm," I said softly, "your sister's death
was *not* your fault. You were just a little boy, you had no say
in what happened. It was that sick freak who killed her, not you. It was
no-one's fault except that man who hurt her."
"Mom doesn't like talking about her, y'know,"
Harm said tearfully. "She locked up all Jessi's things and put away all
her photos. It was like she didn't exist to Mom and Dad."
It must have been awful growing up in a home
haunted by a missing father and a murdered sister. Sometimes, I had to
restrain myself from slapping Harm for being so stubborn and obsessive
but now that I knew about Jessica, I could almost understand why he had
grown into the man he has...
And why he made sure Annie Lewis didn't become
a forgotten child that Jessica Rabb had become.
I was just about to probe Harm further when
he abruptly pulled away and stood up. He shoved the photo into the drawer
then stalked towards his bathroom.
"I'm tired now," he stated. "I have to sleep."
I watched him retreat to the bathroom, knowing
he was withdrawing from his memories and me. He wasn't going to come out
until I was gone- he was done talking for today and I was willing to cut
him a break...for now. Instead, against my better judgment, I reached into
Harm's drawer, ignoring feelings of trespassing and intrusion and I retrieved
the photograph of Harm and his sister.
"Don't worry, Harm," I murmured. "I won't
let Jessica be forgotten either." I tucked the photo in my jacket
as I left his apartment giving Harm the privacy he needed
****************************************
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
1230 EST, June 7th
Harm was leaving tomorrow. I still couldn't
believe that his last day at JAG had finally arrived, I had always assumed
Harm was predictable and he was remain at JAG for as long as he remained
in the service. I never thought he would abandon it all for flying, even
though I knew how deep his love for the skies ran.
Before I was mad that he was going, angry
beyond belief. Yet now that he had told me the truth about his sister,
I had to consider if his need to fly was more something he had to fulfill
for her sake rather than his own. Harm had said she was the one they all
thought would join the Navy; perhaps, his goal to become a pilot for the
Navy was something her death had elicited, that somehow if he lived her
dream then she would not be completely forgotten in a home where his parents
blocked her memory out. Then his father's disappearance a few years later
was just the nail in the coffin.
I knew Harm and I knew how his mind worked.
He was too considerate, too protective of his mother to force her to acknowledge
Jessica so this was his way of making her face the memories.
If all that was true then it was far too late
for me to correct the damage. Thirty-two long years had past and only therapy
could help Harm come to terms with Jessica, and I knew he would never agree
to that. Instead, I could only help him see that just because his mother
had refused to remember Jessica then it didn't mean he had too.
I wandered over to Harm's office aware that
he was spending lunch in the office wrapping things up. We had not seen
each other for two days- Harm avoiding me because of what he had revealed
and me avoiding him because I had to gather my strength to face his transfer.
Knocking on his door, I immediately walked
in when he called 'Come in.' Harm was mildly surprised when he saw who
it was but otherwise his emotions were hidden behind a mask of nonchalance.
His eyes were drawn to the present I held in my hands. He indicated me
to the seat opposite his desk, waiting for me to make the first move.
Noticing the boxes by the side of his desk,
I decided to spark a conversation. "All packed then?"
"Nearly." He seemed relieved I had not brought
up Jessica. It was almost a shame that I was going to break the relief
in a moment. "I've just got a few more things to pack up and finish up
a couple of reports then I'll be done."
"Harm, we should talk..."
"About what?" he scowled. He was pretending
to flick through some files but his eyes were glazed and held no focus.
If he wanted me to spell everything out then
so be it. I knew how to play Harm's little distraction games, he thought
if he ignored me or made me mad I would leave him in peace. Sadly, it had
worked in the past but I was determined this time was going to be different.
Harm was leaving tomorrow and there was no more time for dwaddling around.
"About what we talked about the other night.
About your sister."
He stiffened. "What about her?"
"Why don't you ever talk about her, Harm?"
"She's dead; talking about her won't bring
her back, Mac. Why bring up old ghosts?" He smiled coldly at her. "I thought
you'd be proud of me, Mac. You always wanted me to think the same way about
my father."
It was true. It was stupid and presumptuous
for me to dictate how Harm grieved over his father. God only knows, I'm
not one to talk when it comes to my own grieving. When Dalton died, I shut
Harm and my friends out, and turned to John Farrow when I killed Chris.
"Yes," I conceded, "and I'm sorry, Harm. But
we're not talking about your father, we talking about your sister." I watched
him, pleading for him to open up. "Harm, please talk to me." He had to
get this out, it had obviously been haunting him for years. Just looking
at him on the Lewis case showed he had never overcome Jessica's death.
Better to let it out now than for it to fester.
Harm just angrily glanced back to his files.
Standing up, I sighed and was about to leave before I did something I regretted
when I heard his whisper.
"I don't remember her anymore..." He looked
up, his eyes swimming with tears he was blinking back. "I don't remember
my sister."
"Harm, you were just a little boy and it happened
a long time ago, it's only natural your memories will have faded since
then."
"But she was my sister, Mac!" He jumped up
and began pacing the confines of his office. Harm hardly ever paced and
I could see the restless energy he needed to burn. "Jessica loved me, she
protected me from bullies and bought me candy, and how do I honour her?
By forgetting she ever existed."
"Did you forget deliberately?" I asked gently.
I knew the truth. From the way he spoke, Harm's
parents coped with their daughter's death the only way they knew how- by
pretending nothing had happened. I felt so sorry for Harm growing up in
that environment as a child, afraid to bring Jessica up in case he upset
his parents.
"No..." Harm sighed heavily. "I wanted so
much to remember but it was so hard. I tried talking about it with Mom
but she's wasn't interested and it made her cry so I stopped. Mom stored
all her photographs and eventually I forgot what Jessi even looked like...until
I left for the academy and took one from the attic. The reason I had to
get Lynch so badly was so Darlin didn't feel she had to forget Annie to
escape the memories. Today, I think only me, Mom and a small handful of
people remember Jessica. With a high-profile case like Lynch's making the
news, I made sure Annie was never forgotten- that people remembered that
a little girl was murdered. There's too many forgotten children out there,
Mac, and I won't add another name to that endless list."
It was time. I moved forward until there was
just an arm's length separating us and I handed him the present I was holding.
It was wrapped in brightly coloured wrapping paper. He smiled in bemusement,
carefully opening the parcel. Any other time I would have laughed, anyone
would have thought just by watching him he was deactivating a bomb instead
of opening a present.
Suddenly, Harm stilled when he revealed the
gift. "Mac..." He looked up at me expectantly, unsure of what to say.
I smiled and took the enhanced photograph
of Jessica and little Harm that I had arranged to be framed, from Harm's
hands and placed it on the desk next to his father's photo.
"I think that Jessica should be back with
her family now, back with her brother." I saw Harm studying the two photographs
sitting side-by-side, and I clasped his hand. "Harm, it wasn't your fault
Jessica died. It was a sick asshole who killed her just like it was a sick
asshole who killed Annie. And just because your mom chooses to forget Jessica
existed, doesn't mean that you have to. Darlin Lewis will keep Annie's
memory alive in the years to come, and you will keep Jessica's memory alive."
Harm squeezed my hand and his face lit up
in the first smile to grace his face in weeks. I felt a rush of pride wash
through me that Harm had been able to confide in me about Jessica and I
had been able to help him. And it was then I realised that Harm was not
really saying goodbye when he left to go back to flying, he was just saying
'until next time'.
THE END
==============================================================================
Well, what did you think? I could get into
the habit of doing short POV stories as long as I got to also work on my
hefty doses of Harm angst and/or torture.