Note: I have gone back and forth on whether or not I should post this on the site. This is so personal and heart wrenching to me and because of my age and marital status when this happened, people have judged me in the past. But I've decided that anyone who will frown upon me because of this has obviously never experienced this kind of pain. And anyone who cries when they read this, understands. So, for those of you who are understanding, here is the story.
On March 8th, 1994, I found out that I was pregnant and having a miscarriage all at once. I was just starting to think that I may have been pregnant and before I even had a chance to find out, it was already too late. I went through so many emotions, I can't even begin to explain exactly how I felt. I think more than anything, I felt like I was cheated. I never even had a chance, for anything! I didn't have a chance to enjoy being pregnant or have the experience of feeling like a mother-to-be. And then to have to go through the grief of losing my baby, it was too much to handle! I was very young, only 18, and I was probably not prepared to be a mother but that didn't ease my pain. And to top it all off, when I told my boyfriend of several years what happened, he broke up with me. He gave me all different kinds of excuses but I think most of all, he just didn't want to deal with it. So, I was left feeling very much alone. I confided in a friend who had been through a miscarriage and she really became my safety net from falling of the deep end. I was not planning on telling my mom, but I ended up breaking down about a week later and telling her. I was scared that she wouldn't understand but she was very understanding. I should have known that she would be, she lost her first born to SIDS when she was 18. Since then, my mom has made a point of sending me a card every Mother's Day, which is the hardest day of the year for me. As of right now (3-2001), I haven't been pregnant since. I'm 25 and just got married in September 2000. My husband knows about Cori and respects the fact that I still have bad days. I love children and want to be a mom more than anything else in this world! I always have! I think that's why its still so hard for me. The fact that I was pregnant and should have a child but don't, crushes me. As the years go by, I still think of Cori often and wonder if I'd have a son or a daughter, what my baby would look like, what kind of child would Cori have been, all the questions a mother is left with when they lose a child. Some times are better than others. I've been having a very hard time lately, that's why I decided to make this website. They say that a mother's love is unconditional, its true. I never got to see my baby, hold my baby, know if my baby was a boy or a girl, nothing!
But, this child was mine, none the less.
And I ache for my child, none the less.
And I love my child, none the less. |
