Welcome to:

The Unofficial Official Big Sur Reverse Fan Club

Created and Maintained By Richard J Stanley

Hello and welcome!

Like many, many others, I have an intense disliking for rubbish London indie band 'Big Sur'. They suck. There's really no other way of putting it. They are just plain awful. 

It is for this reason that I have elected to set up The Unofficial Official Big Sur Reverse Fan Club. The aim of this site is to disencouragise people from putting up with Big Sur, and to encouragise folk to take their Big Sur CDs and banish them to the four corners of the Earth. To help encouragise others to take this drastic but necessary course of action, I have led by example. Below you will find a short photo essay detailing how you can distribute any Big Sur CD to the winds.   

Should you not be entirely convinced to immediately go and destroy the CD that you wasted five good pounds on, please consult the following list of reasons to hate Big Sur. Be warned, it makes for some chilling reading. 

List of reasons to hate Big Sur:

  • They raise money for their instruments by stealing out of charity boxes.
  • They purposefully break windows at retirement homes.
  • At each gig, Big Sur sacrifice one member of the audience to ensure that fire regulations are observed.
  • Big Sur have to be home by 10.30 each night.
  • Each member of Big Sur carries a knife, just in case an ox needs to be slaughtered. 
  • Big Sur offset the carbon emissions from their tours by setting fire to an area of rainforest the size of Wales.  
  • Big Sur have what can only be described as 'colorful' views on gay rights.
  • If Big Sur were forced to choose between steak and Spam, they'd choose Spam.
  • Flash photography at Big Sur concerts is welcomed, but frowned upon. 
  • To keep fit, Big Sur have created a game called 'Water Polo' -a cross between polo and water polo. 
  • Big Sur speak entirely in Elvish. 
  • Big Sur have an official kite but it is so offensive that the wind refused to help fly it. 
  • When touring, Big Sur travel in a hot air balloon and like to drop marbles on the hatless folk below.  
  • Big Sur always eat really quickly so that they can avoid getting indigestion. 
  • Big Sur have to buy tickets to their own gigs, otherwise they're not allowed in.
  • Big Sur can swim, so they are not concerned by rising sea levels. 
  • All four members of Big Sur share a single Gillette Mach Three razor.  
  • When an old lady asks Big Sur if it is safe to cross the road, Big Sur always answer 'yes' without even looking. 
  • If Big Sur have guests round, they feed them dog food.
  • Big Sur can play every chord apart from an A.
  • Big Sur's guitarist is 90% plant.
  • When they are out driving, Big Sur always add 20 mph to the local speed limit.
  • Big Sur contain asbestos.  
  • Big Sur's collective age is 20,087 years. 
  • Big Sur contains small parts. 
  • When not playing, Big Sur roam about London stealing the compressed air out of people's tires
  • Between them, Big Sur have two GCSEs. 
  • Big Sur has a half-life of 4,900 years.
  • As musical influences, Big Sur point towards Jamie Oliver. It does not concern them that he is not a musician. 
  • Before going on stage, Big Sur eat raw kidney pie.
  • Big Sur doubles in size every four days
  • The earliest recorded sighting of Big Sur was by Sir. Charles Montaqu in 1827. 
  • On a recent Big Sur ascension of Everest, 127 sherpas died of being eaten by Big Sur.   
  • Big Sur advise fans to combat chip pan fires with water.
  • Big Sur claim to be 'bigger than Jesus' even though they are only 4'6" when standing on each others' shoulders. 
  • A Big Sur 'world tour' entitles going anywhere north of Watford.
  • Big Sur once supported Elton John, only they were playing at a different venue and at a different time to Elton.
  • Big Sur's manager won't let them watch any TV after Newsround has finished and always makes them eat their vegetable, even when they have yukky sprouts for tea.
  • Big Sur are under strict contract not to help the economy of Estonia in any way. 

Weeping tears? There is something you can do -

Banishing Your Big Sur CD To The Four Corners Of The Earth

Because Big Sur's album 'The Great All Or Nothing' (preferably nothing) was so atrocious, I was left with no choice but to get it as far away from me as reasonably possible. I considered mailing it to Romford, but I knew that it'd find its way back to me somehow and would start annoying me again. Taking this into account, I decided it would be best to break the CD into four parts and send it off to the four corners of the Earth. That way I could be reasonably sure that it would not come back to get me. 

Stage One - Smashing your Big Sur CD into bits (the fun bit)

Take one Big Sur album. Sum up all of your negative feelings about it and channel them toward the CDs destruction. Like I did, you will probably find yourself flying into a blind rage. I would advise you to destroy the CD outside, as this minimises the chance of any furniture, walls or pets becoming collateral damage.

Before, as it was...

And after, as it should be.

Stage Two - Wrapping up the pieces and putting them into suitable envelopes

The next step is to enclose the four segments in neat little bags. This step is important because broken bits of CD (especially those containing Big Sur music) are quite sharp and you don't want to injure the embassy staff who will open the package. That's how wars start.

Stage Three - Enclosing the covering letter and sending the CD far, far away

With the CD hung, drawn and quartered, all you need to do now is put as much distance between the pieces as is possible. Firstly, download a copy of the official covering letter. It's a Word document. Visit the Post Office and purchase some sturdy envelopes (they'll need to survive long voyages) and then present accordingly.

Here are the CD pieces, sealed in lead-lined plastic bags.

And here are the Russia-proof envelopes, available from any good Post Office for about 37p.

The addresses you will need are -

Wainwright, Alaska, U.S.A. -

The Mayor,

City of Wainwright,
PO Box 9,
Wainwright, AK,
99782

U.S.A.

 Anadyr, Russia -

Office of the Governor of the Chukotka Autonomous Region,
22 Lenin Street,

Anadyr,

686710,

Russia

Puerto Montt, Chile -

Ilustre Municipalidad de Puerto Montt,

San Felipe 80,

Chile

 

 

 

Mosgiel, New Zealand -

Chairman John Kelly,
233 Gladstone Road,
2RD,

Mosgiel,
Otago,
New Zealand

Stage Four - Banishing the CD to the four corners of the Earth

Finally, all you need to do is stroll down to the Post Office, buy appropriate postage and then hand the packages over. You'll NEVER see them again! International postage is £1.12 or £1.19 to New Zealand. A small price to pay in return for never having to listen to Big Sur again!

And finally.. Stage Five - Enjoy a world without Big Sur's music

Imagine a world where disease was forgotten, where war no longer ravished nations and where happiness was the international language of peace and brotherhood. Imagine a world in which the ice caps were not melting, in which the air was pure and the lakes full of trout. Picture, if you will, a land of plenty with rolling green hills, rich fields and smiling children. A world where no one is starving, where no baby cries out alone and where everyone has shelter.

Welcome to the future. A future free of Big Sur. Our future.

Peace, friend. 

Richard

P.S. - I'll post any responses if and when I get them. Now we play the waiting game... Hmmm... the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

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