The Lord allowed a wonderful blessing (at the time is was heavily disguised) to begin unfolding three and a half years ago when, six months after the Lord delivered me from smoking, I started to gain weight. within five months I had gained 70 pounds and 20 more within the two months proceeding, half my body bigger! I couldn't figure out what was going on. I wasn't eating anymore or any different, but noticed I tired very easily, was loosing hair by the handfuls, I had become very forgetful (unlike me) and my personality in general was changing; I began to severely withdraw from the world. The doctors ran blood and urine test after test. They did a CAT SCAN from my waste down, they poked and prodded yet everything came back negative. My cholesterol, except for the Triglysoride levels, which were high, came back so good that a couple of the doctors said, "this is the best cholesterol levels I've ever seen."

Finally the day came, a few months later, the conclusion - that I was depressed. "Depressed from being overweight" is what she wrote in my medical chart. And I was reluctantly put on the anti-depressant, Zoloft; I really didn't want anything to do with anti-depressants - "but for my families sake", I thought. Well, within a week or two I did start to feel more like myself and my family was happy to see the old wife/mom/daughter coming back to life. All went okay but I continued to have short term memory problems, which began to worsen. My skin began to get so dry (during summer it's pretty humid here in south TX) that the mega strength lotions weren't working and I developed cracks on the side of my left hand that bled, my right index finger started getting (and still has) little blisters "under" the skin and I started sleeping my days away again. This lasted about three years. Once I tried coming off the Zoloft and within a month (I guess that's how long it takes to get out of your system) I was doing worse than when I'd first gone in; so they put me on Paxil another anti-depressant in the same grouping as Zoloft and my symptoms appeared to improve.

I'd like to be able to type what a spiritual pillar of strength I was through all this but I can't because I wasn't. I began to think that my Lord had forsaken me and was leaving me for the roaring lion to devour. I cried out many of nights pleading to be healed or at least send me to a doctor who could help me - "I can't go on this way any longer Lord! Please, can I come home instead of leading (I wasn't living) a life like this?" These were my pleads for many a nights. But the Lord is so faithful, He lovingly allowed me to suffer till I turned to listen to Him and what He had to say. He led me through Psalm 139 over and over and over along with 1 Samuel 16: 7b, "man looks at the outward appearance; but the LORD looks at the heart."; for John struggled with watching his wife turn into someone completely different than the woman he married - I didn't even recognize myself in pictures. As I drew near to the Father He assured me, through His word, that He hadn't, nor would He forsake me - He would walk with me through this all the way and give me the strength to endure and when I felt I could not go on any longer - His grace would cover me.

Six months ago (in August 1998) He put me in the path of Dr. Willie Cacho, who is knowledgeable about the thyroid, loves the Lord and has, I believe, the gift of mercy. I initially went in to see him for a Paxil refill. We talked a bit and he read my chart asked me questions then ordered blood work to be done; this is standard when on an anti-depressant. One week later I went back to go over the blood work. Doctor Cacho started talking about the effects a Hypothyroid (under active) has on your body; this he spoke while going over the results of the blood work, and there it was right before us on the screen - I was just under the mark that tags the doctor indicating something is abnormal. As he continued to speak the tears streamed down as he was describing every thing I had been going through for the past three years. He placed me on a medication called Synthroid, at a very low dose, and told me that he had to start me off low and work me up as the thyroid releases hormones that my body hadn't been getting. He offered to continue to keep me on Paxil to which I replied I'd rather rely on the Lord's strength to which he said, "Good, but if you feel you need the Paxil come on in and get it because the recovery process is long and hard." about six weeks later I was in his office requesting the Paxil. All the way home I thought of how I didn't want to do things this way. I wanted to rest in the strength of the Lord and get through this situation in His strength (I felt He wanted me to) if possible. I took a pill when I got home and the minute is was down and non-retrievable my heart sunk; I KNEW I'd been disobedient and took things into MY hand. That night I went into mega prayer and sought the Lord desiring earnestly to hang in there for just a couple more weeks when the Synthroid should start to take effect. I went to sleep with swollen, sore and very tired eyes but peace in my heart. The next morning I awoke with a fresh new look at life and a closeness to Jesus that was better than I could ever imagine; and just keeps getting better. I flushed the Paxil down the commode and choose to wait on the Lord who makes Philippians 4:13 such a reality to me, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

Are you, beloved, going through a trail at this very moment and it appears to you that the Lord has forsaken you? Please know that He is right beside you at this very moment with His arms of love wrapped around you and He's whispering this promise to you, "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid for I, the LORD your God, am with you. I will not fail you nor forsake you." Listen to Him, beloved, and believe Him - He speaks only the truth and it will set you free.