Title: The Other Half Of The Sky Author: shawntaw Rating: PG Classification: Major Mulder Angst Spoilers: This takes place during "One Breath" beginning right after Melissa Scully leaves Mulder's apartment. Summary: Realizations after Scully is returned. Mulder POV. Disclaimer: Not mine. But I'm glad SOMEBODY thought of them. Such complex characters.... Oh, P.S., don't sue me, pretty please. :) Note: I felt I needed a little break from the "Happiness" series (Don't want those stories to fall into a rut) and after watching "One Breath" last night, felt compelled to write this. And I will e-mail you one of my favorite pictures of DD if you can tell me from which song I took the title and lyrics. The answer's at the end, but be honest, no peeking! (Yikes, does that make this song fic?) Enjoy..:) ****************************************************** I love her. I feel my chest constrict. Melissa is right. I've known it for awhile now, I realize. I just didn't want to admit it. No, the truth is all that matters. I can't love anyone. It would be distracting, stupid. Besides, I've known for a long time that I'm emotionally-damaged. I have too much baggage. She wouldn't want me anyway. The truth is all that matters That's it. Period. Except I love her. My hand clenches around the cool steel of the gun. What am I doing? I'm lying in wait for those who did this to her so that I may reap my revenge at last. Let's be honest. Murder. Assassination. I realize this will make me no better than they are. A 'game player.' I glance at my watch. Melissa's only been gone for 10 minutes, but it feels like an hour. What if Scully dies and never knows how I feel? I swallow. She couldn't hear me anyway, I tell myself. Right? My hand flexes convulsively around the gun again. If she dies... I don't know what I'll do. I'll be lost. I had no idea how much a part of me she had become. How did I let that happen? I feel the refreshing coolness of the weapon in my hand. Who am I kidding? It isn't 'If' she dies....it's when. And my life will be over too. I bring the gun into my line of vision. I could end it all now. Save myself watching her die. She'd never know I was gone anyway; she's on her way out as it is. And maybe...just maybe..I'll see her on the other side? Not that I believe it that sort of thing. I caress the weapon. No one would care. No one would even miss me. But what if she can hear me? What if right now she's wondering why I am not among those at her bedside telling her goodbye? What if she is crying out my name, trapped inside the netherworld of her coma? Maybe she wants to say goodbye too... I put the gun down and glance at the clock. If I do this, I'll miss my opportunity. I may never have the chance to mete out this justice again. I picture Scully, trapped inside of herself...alone...wondering where I am. My decision is made. I let her down before and they hurt her. I won't let her down again. I stash the gun in the waistband of my jeans and grab my keys. Before I can change my mind, I dash out the door. ****************************************************************** "...I know you understand, the little child inside the man. Please remember, my life is in your hands.." The radio came on as I turned the key in the ignition and for a moment I was frozen, listening to my own thoughts expressed in song. I must have tuned out because I blinked and tuned in again, listening to the singer. "...please let me explain, I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain, So let me tell you again and again and again, I love you...now and forever..." I reached over and switched off the radio, angrily. Wiping the haze from my eyes, I squealed the tires in my haste to get to the hospital. ********************************************************************** **** Lord, she's so pale...am I praying? When did I start praying? I sit shakily in the chair beside her bed and take her hand. So cold...so cold.. I fight off the urge to scoop her up and run from this place. As if I could hide her from Death. I take a deep breath and say my piece. I'm here, Scully...I'm here. I don't know what else to say. I love you, please don't go....I love you, please don't go...I love you, please don't go.. These words rattle around in my head, but I don't say them aloud. I know if I do, I will completely dissolve, fall apart. The hospital personnel will have to pry my sobbing mess of a carcass from her when the inevitable happens. And it is happening already; I can see it in the utter paleness of her lips and the shallowness of her breath. So, I sit. I hold her hand. And, I would never admit it to anyone, but I pray. ********************************************************************** **** I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know I'm being awoken by a soft touch on my hair. It feels nice, like the way my mother used to touch me when I was a small child. No one touches me anymore - inside or out - so I wait a moment and feign sleep, allowing myself to be comforted. I finally raise my head from where it rested against Scully's and my joined hands. Mrs. Scully is standing there flanked by Melissa and a doctor. They are here for her morning check-up. She made it through the night. I feel uncomfortable under their understanding gazes. They seem to know what I have never even acknowledged aloud to myself. I love her. Apparently it has been obvious to everyone but me. I stand unsteadily and move out of the way for the doctor. I slip out before anyone can stop me. I need some air. ********************************************************************** **** After driving around the block over and over for a half hour, I finally decide to drive to my apartment. Did they come last night? Were they angry when there was nothing to find in my desk? ********************************************************************** **** It's a wreck. My apartment is beyond torn apart. Most of my possessions were purposefully broken, ripped or mangled in some way. I survey the mess, feeling numb. I should have been here. I should have killed them. Should have looked them in the eyes and then shot them dead and left them to drown in their own blood. These sadistic thoughts don't quell the pain that is growing in my chest again. I am a failure. I lost Scully. And now I've lost the chance to avenge her death. I am worthless. They have once again slipped through my fingers like wisps of smoke. I feel my legs go out and I begin to sink to the floor. Is that me sobbing? The pain seems crippling in my chest and all I can think is that I'm having a heart attack. I complete my descent and fall onto the floor, weeping. *************************************************************************** Hours later, I am sitting in the dark once again contemplating my gun. I am also thinking of the words of that song that was on the radio when I went to the hospital. I tuned in too late to hear the beginning, but I remember the song anyway. It starts with the singer whispering, "For the other half of the sky.." That's what Scully is, I decide, the other half of the sky. I like the sound of that. It makes me smile a little. I had decided not to, but I think I will leave a note. I'll address it to "The Other Half Of The Sky," and people will forever wonder who I meant. Yes, I'll leave my own mystery behind. It seems fitting. I'm waiting. As soon as I get the call that she's gone, I'm eating my gun. The phone rings. I almost don't answer it. I already know that it's her mother. I know what she's going to say. Dana's gone, Fox. I don't want to hear it, to hear the words said out loud. It's too real. I glance at my gun. I could do it now. I could do it right now. The phone is still ringing. No, I have to be sure. I answer the phone. Tears spring to my eyes; I can't believe what I'm hearing. She's alive. She's alive. I feel so light inside so suddenly that it makes me slightly nauseous. I set the gun down. I gather my keys and grab my coat. I won't let her down again. I slam the door on my way out. My gun is still lying on the floor where I left it. Forgotten. *************************************************************************** I just had to write this, it has been in my head every since I saw "One Breath" again and then was listening to my "Double Fantasy" tape. Please feed the author at shawntaw@hotmail.com. :) The song I quoted is John Lennon's "Woman" from the "Double Fantasy" album - his last one. It isn't listed in the lyrics, but right before he begins singing "Woman," he whispers softly, "For the other half of the sky." Of course, it was for his wife - Yoko. :) Oh, and disclaimer here: I don't own this song at all. John Lennon was a genius. Here are the full lyrics, if you're interested: (Whispered) For the other half of the sky... Woman I can hardly express My mixed emotions at my thoughtlessness After all I'm forever in your debt And woman I will try to express My inner feelings and thankfulness For showing me the meaning of success Woman I know you understand The little child inside the man Please remember my life is in your hands And woman hold me close to your heart However distant don't keep us apart After all it is written in the stars Woman please let me explain I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain So let me tell you again and again and again I love you...now and forever... (repeated)