This journal is hard to write, sometimes -- especially when it deals with things I don't like or don't want to face, or ... bad memories.
Chapter 8, about dress in childhood and adolescence, drags up unpleasant memories from the past. Grade school began my downward spiral. For some reason, I just didn't fit in. I'm supposing that, that was because I was never allowed to go play with friends, and I had no siblings close to my age (I wanted a big brother SO bad), so proper socialization never occurred. Therefore, I acted awkwardly, consequently was made fun of (and you know how cruel and unrelenting kids can be), and started stress eating to get some positive stimulation in my life. I'll bet you can guess the rest -- yup, I ballooned out. At age twelve, I weighed 200 pounds (or pretty close). What a butterball!
My appearance, then, was the source of even more teasing, at a time which is very critical in the development of a person -- puberty. Add to this, the fact that I was not allowed to wear blue jeans until I was probably fourteen years old. Talk about a downer!
Here I was, having hormonal surges comparable to the tsunami seen in the movie "Abyss", and because of my physical appearance and the way I was dressed, plus my poor social skills, I had no girlfriend, and even the few guys, who were my friends, picked on me.
Changing my appearance and manner of dress was a daunting task for me. I bought my own clothes (bell-bottoms, complete with metal studs, and tank tops over collared shirts), grew my hair long (yes, I actually had hair, in those days, and It was down to my shoulders), and went on the first version of the Atkins diet (losing 30 pounds in three weeks). I started feeling better about myself (despite the fact that Mom and Dad were NOT happy), and even got up the courage to go to the dances at school. I even got to dance a few times (usually girls from other schools, who didn't know me). However, I never really recovered from those experiences in elementary school, junior high, and high school.
Now, I just dress the way I feel most comfortable, even though it may not be the 'in' style. I guess I learned that it's important to let adolescents dress in a manner which helps their self-esteem to grow (OH! WITHIN REASON, OF COURSE!).
I wish my parents had understood, back when I was young, just how important it is for a child to have experiences which will socialize him/her, and that for want of a pair of blue jeans, I might have been more normal, today.
