It was a cold, dark, and all together ickyfied day. Billy had spent the greater part of the morning trying to decide if cornflakes were actually corn dandruff. It was Billy's way to think of things like that; he was known by many as a man of science. His theory of dung in milk, for example, earned him worldwide acclaim. He discovered, through a series of experiments he called "operation refrigerator magnet", that even trace amounts of dung would contaminate milk. Don't ask why he called it "operation refrigerator magnet", Billy was a weird guy. Nonetheless, it was a dreadful day, and he couldn't bear to stay cooped up in the house any longer. So he did the only logical thing to do, he went to visit his criminally insane uncle, Hector.
Hector lived, by all accounts, out where the buses don't run. Far, far, from civilization. In the middle of nowhere. Waaaaay out dea'. Not in the city limits. In the woods, if you will. Whoa, sorry, sometimes, I get a little carried away. Anyways, yes, he lived in a very nonpopulated area. On the way to Hector's house, Billy had some reservations about seeing old Hector again. He recalled with a slight frown, his last visit, in which Hector made several attempts on his life. "People can change" he thought to himself, and to prove his confidence in Hector, he decided to wear his shirt which read "Kill me". "This is gonna be great" Billy said with a slight grin. He then realized he was talking to himself, and beat himself with a flashlight.
The road which led to Uncle Hector's humble home (alliteration!!) was one filled with many dangers. There were many well travelled tales about this road, about people that were killed on it. Most were completely based in falsities, but it was a known fact that Old Emeril Chekinbotter died on this road after a freak grass herding accident. Herding grass was mostly considered a safe practice in these parts, however, from time to time you did hear of some unruly grass that went rampaging over everything in it's path, devouring cattle and the like in some sort of spiritual quest to obtain chlorophyll. Anyways, this has nothing at all to do with this story, I just felt like wasting your time.
Billy hadn't gone too far down the old creepy road when he was stopped by an odd individual claiming to worship sea cucumbers. "But there isn't a sea cucumber within thousands of miles.." Billy stated, sadly. The odd man sat straight up, smiled a bit, and tore off his left ear. "With this ear, I thee wed" he began in some sort of sadistic attempt to marry Billy right there on the spot. Billy did the only humane thing to do. He quickly snatched the ear from Mr. Odd and ate it. The odd man was appalled..he was filled with rage. He began furiously making wicker baskets and selling them on ebay.
Billy didn't know what to do, but he did know one thing; this man would have to be stopped before he completely monopolized the wicker basket industry. Hesitating not a moment longer, Billy constructed a 7 feet tall wicker troll and unleashed it's fury upon the land. It killed the odd man in sheer moments, and then fled into a nearby town were it ate children and pepperoni pizzas for the rest of it's natural life. Nonetheless, Billy was happy with himself, he had stopped the odd man and was now free to continue about his way to Unlce Hector's place of abode.
Upon reaching Hector's doorstep, Billy recalled that Hector was a cannibal, and he had unwisely bathed in A1 steak sauce earlier that morning. "Drats" Billy squealed in horror, "of all days to take my A1 bath." Still, it had been a good while since he had gotten to see Hector, and he was determined to make this visit count.
So Billy came up, and gave a lil knock knock knock on the door Hector answered, covered in muck, saying "what the heck are you here, for?" Well, isn't he mucky, this backwoods cannibal guy and they say, he's so mucky, and he's insane but they die, die, die, when he get's eatin' on his brain He's thinking, if they didn't wanna have a shortened life then whhhy did they have to come here tonight
"So..how've you been, Hector?, Rolling about amongst the hogs again, I see.." Billy asked, sheepishly. Hector paused for several moments and then answered with a bit of tremble in his voice, "A gerbil visited me in my dreams last night, Billy" "A...gerbil.." Billy said. "Yeah..and it told me many things. One of which being that a goldfish would mutilate my left hand." Hector continued. "Well, that's just silly, Hector, now how could that happen?" Billy replied. "You..you don't understand.. this morning, a goldfish jumped out of my toaster and mutilated my left hand severely" Hector said. "My God, what else did he tell you?" Billy asked, with a bit of concern in his voice. "It told me, that you would arrive, and that you would defecate on my doorstep" Hector replied. "Dear lord, he's two for two.." Billy stated, solemnly.
"I think you know what we must do.." Billy began, "I must knock you out and travel into your dreams and kill that gerbil" And with that, Billy quickly knocked Hector out with a pack of saltine crackers. For Hector's skull was very fragile, and it didn't take much to knock him silly. Billy then realized he had no idea how to get inside of Hector's dreams. He theorized that he could reach Hector's brain by crawling up his rectum and making his way north. After shoving his head into Hector's rectum, however, he quickly realized that his entire body simply would not fit.
Hector's rectum was a place filled with many wonderous things. A trio of plastic fairies called it their home. "Oh wise and powerful fairies, could you tell a poor soul like myself how I might travel into Hector's dreams?" Billy asked. This angered the fairies greatly. Talk of travelling into dreams was known to make even the calmest of fairies most irate, and these anal dwelling magic folk were no different. They responded with a series of well-placed kicks to the eyes and nostrils, which, in turn caused Billy to gnash his teeth about, ferociously, occasionally accidentally nipping at his poor uncle's intestinal tract.
Little did Billy know that Hector's intestinal tract had serious allergic reactions when it came in contact with human teeth. Most other mammals were fine, in fact, it was known in some parts of Bangladesh that a manatee came and chewed on his intestines from time to time.But human teeth caused severe allergic reactions.Quickly, Billy removed his head from Hector's now swollen anal cavity. Hector's large intestine exploded violently, and erupted into a sea of gooey, voluminous liquid, which I like to call "goo".
The goo was not amused. It consumed Hector's buttocks in an awe-inspiring display which can only be viewed on pay-per-view for 19.95. ORDER TODAY! The goo continued to consume like a "thing that consumes". Soon, Hector was dead. And so was the gerbil, seeing how it lived in Hector's dreams, and they, too, were consumed. Not knowing what else to do, Billy quickly flung a pack of Mcdonald's mcnuggets at the goo, in an attempt to make it think twice about consuming anything, ever again. Even Billy knew that surely Hector's buttocks tasted better than mcnuggets. A quartet of Japanese chefs had actually offered to buy Hector's buttocks once, for in Japan a dish called Huzieeayamato was quite popular. "Huzieeayamato" translates roughly in English as "man named Hector's rear end". Nonetheless, the goo was appalled by Billy's mcnugget offering, and imploded in upon itself. Billy sobbed quitely to himself; he had, in those few short moments, grown to love the goo. They had laughed together, smiled together, and made love together. Not knowing what else to do, he headed home, feeling slightly depressed, and even more confused.
(THE END)