A long time ago, in the realm of the earth known to those living on the earth's crust as middle-earth, there lived four major races of humanoids. The elves, keepers of the forest, and of nature's magic; the dwarves, miners living amongst the caves known for their great weapons; the humans, most easily corrupted and power hungry of all, but also the most powerful; and the hobbits, the short but proud farmers living in their tiny shanties. Each race kept to themselves, living in peace and harmony.. that is, until the evil lord barry white crafted his enormous wang. The "one wang", the one all powerful wang that could rule over all the humanoid races. This wang was crafted in mount gloom, the most evil and corrupt of places, and so, the wang, itself, was evil and corrupt. And whomever possessed it, thusly slowly became evil as well.. Barry White carried his great wang with him at all times, and so it was with him in the great battle known as Wangstock. It was supposed to be a great concert featuring many great acts such as Staind. But no, it didn't feature Barry White, and the evil lord was quite angry of this. And so, the battle of Wangstock began, Barry White and his army of evil creatures including orcs, versus all the humanoids. The great human king Bryan of Locksley defeated Barry White at said battle, and removed the one wang as his own personal memoir of the battle. In due time, the great evil wang corrupted even the good king Bryan's mind, but as luck would have it, he managed to lose it in the stream of eternal cow urine. Now, the only creature that would even be caught dead in the stream of eternal cow urine was a hideous cave dwelling creature calling itself "pus". Pus found and kept the wang for many years, living alone in his cave. But as fate would have it, a hobbit named Peg Bobbins stumbled upon pus's cave, and somehow managed to smuggle the one wang out. Peg lived in her peaceful village of Hobbitville for many years, secretly keeping the evil possession..
It is here that our tale begins..
"Alan! Oh my gosh, can it really be you?" said a young hobbit staring at an eldery man riding in a carriage on the outskirts of hobbitville.Alan smiled. "Yes, Mary, tis I, the great wizard Alandolf, have you missed me?" he said with a grin as he munched on random vegetation. "I think I accidently cast that dreaded horse appetite spell on myself" he began,"Lately I've been grazing the pastures a bit more than usual". Mary giggled a bit and hopped on the carriage."It's been sooo long since you've visited hobbitville, have you had excellent adventures since then?" she asked with a bit of excitement in her voice."Please do not chew on my left hand, Mary" Alan replied. "That's my left hand..and YOU'RE chewing on it" mary yelped. "So I see" Alan retorted as he stopped chewing for a moment to recite a limerick about a paraplegic muffin."That's...very nice, but what of your adventures?" Mary said. " I shall tell you of them later, now, correct me if I'm wrong, but is today not Peg Bobbin's birthday?" Alan replied. "It is!" Mary squealed, "And we've got a huge party planned tonight, oh do say you'll be there, Alan!" Alan grinned, "I wouldn't miss it for the world, or for a klondike bar for that matter". "Yay!" Mary yelled with a huge smile on her face. "But you know something, Mary... sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live up on the earth's crust" Alan stated. "Don't you worry bout dat, now, mon.." Mary started. "Mary.. since when do you have a Jamaican accent..?" Alan responded. Just then three other hobbits leapt out from the bushes holding various kitchen utensils. Mary nodded to them, and began to sing:
"Up dere da people are meaner
Dan all of da orcs down hea'
You dream about going up dea'
but dere is much to fea'
Just look at the world around you, a little closer to the earth's core
such wonderful tings around you..what more is you looking for?
wuh oh..
UNDA DA CRUST
Alandolf it's granda dan upperlanda, in me you should trust
what do dey got, a lot of land?
we got a hot hobbit band
every elf here know how to jam here
Da orc play da fork
Da elf play da spoon
We all play togetta by the light o' the moon
you should join our band, Alan, you should do it soon
now back off foos, give mary some room
WOO HOO!"
"You are talented, young mary" the great wizard said, "By the way, who are your friends?" "This is my best friend, Crystal, and this is Brion and Dustin" she replied after taking a small bow. "We should really get going, it's nearing nightfall, don't wanna be late for Peg's party" Brion said with a strangely squared off smile.The trek into Hobbitville wasn't far, and soon the group could see all the festivities already beginning with banners hanging everywhere reading "happy birthday, peg bobbins". It was truely a joyous occassion in hobbitville.Alan smiled. Mary smiled. Crystal smiled. Dustin smiled. Brion smiled. Old Uncle Jebediah Frupola smiled."Finally,I have come back to hobbitville" Alan said with a chuckle. "Oh look, we're just in time to see Peg make her speech" Crystal said,giddily. "Aight, I know it's my birthday and shih, but I just want you guys to know, I'm bout to turn invisible and walk out this mofo. No offense or anything, but I hate you guys. And I mean this in the best way possible, but if you somehow follow me, i swear i'll hunt you down, cut you open, insert a new Volkswagen beetle,and sew you back together" Peg said with a big smile. She then put the one wang on and disappeared from view."What happened to Peg?" Mary asked with a frown. "I think I may have an idea" Alandolf said as he darted off to Peg Bobbin's house. Knocking on Peg's door yielded no results. "Special delivery for Peg Bobbins" Alan yelled. "Your best of sexy goat porn has arrived" He continued. This was enough to coax Peg into opening the door. Alan darted in. "Well, Ms. Bobbins, it appears that you are the possessor of the one wang. All this time the one wang has been under my very nose, and I didn't notice it" He began. "I would of gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you pesky wizards" Peg stated as she tried to pull alan's head off. "That mask is really on there" she said. "That would be because it's my actual face." Alan replied, smugly. "Wait a minute.." Alan said as he looked closely at Peg. He then began tugging at her head and pulled off a mask to reveal..FRED SAVAGE! "Sorry, but I take every little part I can get anymore" Fred said as he scampered off. The real Peg Bobbins was seated at her table."Give the wang up, Peg" Alan demanded."Bugger" Peg screamed as she handed Alan the wang. "I hope you realize that I'm still going to leave hobbitville, and travel to the north where I can finish my book" Peg added as she pointed to her own left leg for no apparent reason, other than to startle a small rodent living in her left shoe. "Fair enough" Alan said. And with that, Peg bolted out the door and was soon just a dark speck in the distance, on a quest to God knows where to finish her beloved book. Just then, Mary and Crystal walked into Peg's house to see Alan seated at the table examining the one wang. "Mary..I am sorry, but I must place a horrible burden upon you.. I need you to take this "one wang" to the small village of OkieDokie, where I will meet you. I, myself,along with my donkey, Meg, must go and seek the advice of the wisest wizard in all the land, Dave" Alan said with a serious tone in his voice. "You can count on me, Alandolf" Mary replied as she took the one wang from him. "You must be careful, Mary.. the wang itself is evil..and it will attract all sorts of evil as long as you have it in your possession. Excercise extreme caution..and godspeed.." Alan said as he bid Mary farewell. And at this point, they seperated. Mary and Crystal heading off to the village of OkieDokie, Alan and Meg off to the temple of Dave...
Mary and Crystal's trek took them through beautiful countryland, through lush gardens, and various orchards. Things seemed peaceful and serene. "RUN!!!!! RUN!!!!!" two figures screamed as they headed towards the girls. Upon closer inspection, it was Dustin and Brion. "Run? WHY?" Crystal asked. "Because we may have..umm..accidenlty stole a few crops and Old Man Whitherspoon may accidently be after us.." Dustin said, hardly slowing down. Mary and Crystal spoke not another word, but instead followed Dustin and Brion to a small cave. It was here they were going to hide until they felt that old man Whitherspoon had given up...
"Well I went down to the Grundy County Auction.." Meg began to sing. "Dunkey? since when have you been able to talk, much less sing?" Alan asked, a bit puzzled. "I've always been able to talk, you just never listen. You know something..how come they're called smurfs and not smurves?" Meg said. "I..I don't know.."Alan replied. Meg then added"And you know something else..you're a big bad wizard dude, why don't you just zap us to the temple or something, do some of dat hocus pocus shih you people are so famous for, yanno do a spell or a chant or some.." "DON'T YOU EVER SHADDUP?" Alan interrupted. "It's not like that.. I can't just zap us there.." alan said. "And just why not?" Meg asked. "Because..well, listen dunkey, alan's are like carrots.." Alan replied. "Like carrots? You mean they're long, orange and they improve eyesight if you eat them?" Meg stated. "Exactly" Alan replied.
As the gang hid out in the cave, suddenly it became bitter cold. A strange feeling overcame Mary. "There...there's something here..something..evil" she said, souding quite terrified. She was right. Not far from the entrance to the cave, a corpse had arisen from the soil to walk once again. Zombie Elli carried with her on her right hand her sockpuppet, Muffy. Muffy was no ordinary sock puppet. She spoke three langauges, was the polka master of the midwest, and one bite from her would turn any living thing into a sockpuppet. A horrible way to go, indeed. Zombie Elli slowly crept toward the cave's entrance, being drawn there by the one wang, stopping only momentarily to mumble something about brains or ted koppel. Sometimes even ted koppel's brains. "I'm no genius or anything..but..I think it's time to RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, YOU PENISES" brion shouted. Hesitating not a moment longer, the group followed brion's advice.
"Can I ask you something? What are we gonna do when we find this dave dude anyways? Why's he so important? And why the hell are we parodizing Shrek, when this is Lord of the Rings?" Meg asked. "We have to find dave because that's just the way this story goes. You want to follow the storyline, don'tcha? And hush about those two movies that have nothing whatsoever to do with this story. This is completely original.."Alandolf replied. "Ohhhh..right..I getcha..wink,wink,nudge,nudge" Meg stated.
Our beloved hobbits ran as fast as they could, and finally seemed to have lost Zombie Elli, at least for the moment.Dustin stopped and noticed that one of the trees seemed to be moving. All of a sudden, it violently sprang to life. "I AM THE GREAT WOOD NYMPH, CHRIS" the tree shouted. "That's..nice.."Dustin replied."NO, I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. I AM THE GREAT WOOD NYMPH" "Yeah, I think I do understand..you're the great wood nymph, right?" Dustin said, sounding much like regis philbin. "YEAH" chris responded."So..what does that mean..exactly?" Dustin asked. "OH, IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, I JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT. IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME NOW, I'M GONNA GO BANG THE WATER NYMPH" the tree replied. "Okay..well..you have fun.." Dustin said with a chuckle, for he noticed a family of woodchucks following closely. "Say..is that nymph made of..wooooood?" one of them asked. "He sure is. Eat the filthy bugger" Dustin replied with a smile. At this point, they were almost in OkieDokie. Soon, yes soon, they would be in OkieDokie where they could rest their weary heads...
Alandolf and Meg had reached their destination, finally. "Dunkey, you wait outside, this should only take a minute." the wizard said as he sauntered in to the temple of Dave. "ALANDOLF! I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU. IT'S COOSAHN ALANDOLFIE!" dave screamed in a shrilly voice. "umm, dave..we're not related..i'm not your 'coosahn'..but hi.." alan replied. "SO ALANDOLFIE, WHAT GOOD FORTUNE BRINGS YOU HERE?!" dave asked, happily. "well,..dave..it seems that i have found the one wang, and i have given it to someone for safe-keeping" alan replied. "OKAY! THIS IS GOOD NEWS! BUT NOW I MUST KILL YOU DEAD" and with that, he thwaped alan over the head with his mystical rod. (if you just thought something perverted, then let me just say YOU EFFIN PERVERT! okay,right, back to the story..)"The one wang..Master Barry White will be most pleased to hear news of it..MUHAHAHAHAHA" dave said with an evil grin. Yes friends and neighbors, Dave had gone to the dark side..
The hobbits finally reached OkieDokie, and got themselves a room."I'm getting worried" Crystal began, "Shouldn't Alandolf be here by now?"Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Hey there hobbits, name's jason, jason of locksley. Perhaps you remember my father, the king bryan of locksley. If not, read the prologue again, you forgetful twits. Anyhoo..I overheard your one wang schpeel, and I'd like to offer my assistance in helping youse hobbits protect the wang. It's like Old pappy bryan used to say 'Son, you've got to protect your wang.' he he. old pappy, he was funny.. I bet your wondering when I'm gonna shut up, huh? he he. I just don't ever stop yammering on about something, do i? he he. I like oranges. Not porcupines, though. I don't like to smear porcupines in gravy and stick them in my anal cavity. NO SIR, not me. he he. wait..where am i.." jason stated. "You're umm..you're in OkieDokie in our room.." Mary replied as she made the face of a bad carrottop impersonator. "Your eyes! OH how they resemble belgium waffles in the misty morn. no..no wait, that was my grandmother that i punched in the face..forgive me, grandmama..ohh.." jason said. "WHAT..are you talking about?" crystal asked. "I don't know." jason replied with the grin of a praying mantis. Little did they know how much trouble Alandolf was in at the moment..
Alandolf awoke to find he had been placed on top of an enormous tower. Upon closer inspection, he realized that meg had been grafted to his buttocks. "Dunkey, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but we've got to find a way to get you off my butt" Alan yelped. "I agree wholeheartedly. This is a smelly place to be. the fact is, I fear for my life." Meg stated. "Are you implying that my anus is leaking some sort of foul smelling odor?" Alan asked. "No, i'm not implying. I'M TELLING YOU. YOU STINK, SUCKA" meg replied. "Now get me off here please.. seriously, I'm hearing some scary noises coming from back there and I just wanna go home..I'll never do anything bad again, honest..I'll be a good lil donkey..just please, please, for the love of all things holy, GET ME AWAY FROM YOUR ANAL SPINCHTER" meg shouted with tears almost forming. "It's okay meg, we're gonna get through this..just stay calm..you've got to breathe, meg, breathe.." Alan said, trying to offer support. "Breathe? ARE YOU CRAZY? BREATHING IN MORE OF THAT SHIH IS THE LAST THING I'M GONNA DO" meg screamed. "Okay, okay..geez..there's gotta be a way out of this.." the wizard stated.
"CHECK MATE!" Jason squealed with delight. "Yanno, Jason..that'd make a lot more sense if we were actually playing chess" said young Brion. "Oh, right.." Jason said, sounding a bit disappointed. "Guys..I don't mean to alarm anyone..but, umm, I'm having that creepy feeling like something evil is near again" Mary stated in horror. Zombie Elli was just outside the hotel they were staying in, but this time she wasn't alone. She brought with her Asta, the Arcane Admonisher and Robin, the Raging Republican. "Listen you two nitwits, this is the plan. we go in there, kill the hobbits,take the wang, drag the corpses off with us, and feast on the gooey goodness that is their brains before going back to mount gloom. Any questions?" Zombie Elli asked. "Yeah, umm, can we kill the hobbits first, then go in there?" Robin asked. "No. The hobbits are in there, you imbecile." Elli said. "Oh, right..but can we.." Robin began. "Yes?" Elli asked. "I forgot.." Robin replied. "..Okay then..Asta are you cool with the whole plan thing?" Elli stated. "LET'S GOUGE OUT THEIR EFFIN EYES" Asta hissed."Well, yeah..I guess that's okay..but why do you want to do that?" the zombie one asked. "LET'S GOUGE OUT THEIR EFFIN EYES" Asta replied. Elli said nothing in reply, just nodded. "It's hard to find good help these days.." she said under her breath.
"Did you just let one?" Meg asked with a frown.
"You must flee, young hobbits, flee to the nearby hill. I shall travel to the Elven Village to ask for help." Jason stated. "Okay" said Mary with a goofy grin, as the group proceeded to do just that. The evil trio of Elli, Asta, and Robin finally made their way up to the hobbits room, only to find they were long gone. Crystal had foolishly left a note, however. A note that read: "Gone to the nearby hill to hide from these evil things. Be back soon." "To the nearby hill" Elli said with the evil grin of a one-legged pimp.
"We've got to find a way off this tower. Then maybe we can address our other 'little problem'" Alan said. "Maybe it's a 'little problem' to you, but you ain't back here with the stench. If you ask me, it's a BIG PROBLEM" Meg squealed. Just then, when our hapless heroes seemed stranded for eternity, a fairy landed on the tower. Not just any fairy. Tinkerleah."WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" Tinkerleah screamed in delight. "I CAN HELP YOU TWO GET DOWN..BUT..BUT!" tinkerleah began. "But..what?" Alandolf asked curiously. "You gotta kiss the donkey" tinkerleah replied with a giggle. "Umm..no." Alan replied. "Fine, stay up here forever, see what i care" tinkerleah stated. "Look, it's like this..
There, I see you, sitting here atop this tower
Alandolf, you need to shower..
but there's just one way to get down
There's only one way down, only one way to the ground,
you gotta..
kiss the donkey
No, you don't want to, that's for absolutely sure
But of your plight, I am the cure
But there's just one way i'll help you
you gotta suck it up, do what you gotta do,
Sha la la la la la, my oh my
you can stay here up in the sky
or you can
sha la la la la la, ain't i mean
i'm the evil fairy queen
but you must
kiss the donkey"
tinkerleah sang as she pranced around. "FINE!!" alan said as he kissed the donkey on the cheek. Tinkerleah snickered, "you didn't really have to.. i just wanted to see if you'd do it, you donkey kisser, you.." "AHHHH!" Alan screamed.
"We should be safe here, for a while.." Brion said while he flung mud on his own feet. "Let's go snorkeling" Dustin said as he put on a bear costume. "well, there's A. no water here, and B. you're wearing a bear costume.." Crystal said, looking very puzzled. "Oh, right.." Dustin replied. Before they could utter another word, the terrible trio of Elli, Asta, and Robin were upon them.
"In order to get down, all you must do is put these women's high-heeled shoes on, click them together and say 'there's no place like down, there's no place like down' "tinkerleah said with a smile. Without, hesitation, Alandolf placed the shoes on his feet and said the words. "Nothing's happening.." he said with a frown. "I can't believe you actually did it..boy you really ARE gullible" tinkerleah said, laughing hysterically. "Why you little.." Alan sneered.
"OUCH!!!" mary squealed as Elli's sock puppet, Muffy began to chew on her face."You..have been bitten by muffy,mary..this means you, too will become a sockpuppet if we don't get you cured somehow" dustin said with the look of a deranged sea otter upon his face. He was right, mary was getting worse before their very eyes. Just then, Jason arrived with an elven princess in tow. He flung various adam sandler memorabilia at the terrible trio. This seemed to stun them just long enough so that Jason and the elf could grab the hobbits and ride off to the safety of the elven village.
"Take this root of gary coleman fern tea,mary" said the elven princess."By the way, my name is Linz" she added. Mary instantly felt better. "Thanks, Linz" she said with a big goofy smile. Crystal, Brion, and Dustin were all at her side playing "poke the corpse with a stick". "Glad to see you had confidence in me living.."Mary said as she figured out what they were doing, for she had played the game many a time, herself. Suddenly a voice screamed from seemingly overhead "LOOK OUT BELOOOOW!". At this point, Alandolf and Meg came crashing through the roof into the room with the others. "He certainly knows how to make an entrance.." Crystal said. "Forgive me, my hobbit friends,but we are all in great danger. The great wizard Dave has been corrupted by the evil Barry White, we must bring the one wang to Mount gloom and despose of it, before either of those two get their hands on it. We shall form, a group..a 'fellowship of the wang', if you will, to escort mary into mount gloom. So the question is..Who wants to go?" Alandolf stated. One, by one, everyone agreed, including a young dwarf named Ashley,and an elven warrior named Britty that overheard from just outside. And so, the fellowship of the wang was formed, consisting of Alandolf ,Jason ,Meg ,Mary ,Crystal ,Brion , Dustin ,Britty ,and Ashley. It was an interesting assortment of the various humanoids, to say the least. Without further hesitation, the group was off. Off into who knows what sort of troubles to rid the world of the one wang.
"There is only one way to mount gloom, we must traverse the cavern of unholy anal sphincters" Alandolf said with a bit of fear in his voice. "I HAVE A PET SQUIRREL" said ashley with a grin. "HE BEHEADED AN OGRE WITH HIS 'POWER PENIS'"she added as she hopped about like a bullfrog on speed."dat guh..dat guh got issues like whoa" britty said as she shook her head. "I WILL KILL YOU, YOU INSOLENT TWIT" ashley screamed as she waved her squirrel about frantically in britty's face. Britty said nothing, but instead, responded by taking a bite out of the squirrel. Ashley squealed in horror. She then hopped up on britty's head and started pounding her with a hammer. "MY MAN AIN'T YO BABY'S DATTY" ashley screamed as the beating continued. The crowd chanted "Alandolf, alandolf, alandolf" "BREAK IT UP, GIRLS" Alandolf yelled. "I ain't breaking up nothing wit dis HO" Britty yelled as she ripped an impressive chunk of hair out of ashley's head. "AH, YOU DONE DONE IT NOW, ISA BOUT TO FU-beep- YOU UP, YOU FU-beep-ING TWO BIT MOTHA-beep-A" ashley squealed as she started whipping britty with a board with a nail on the end of it."WILL YOU TWO JUST STOP ALREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAADY!!!!!" alandolf demanded. "kay" ashley said. "no prob" britty added."okay..good..now..we're in the cavern of unholy anal sphincters, one would think we have greater problems than each other, so let's just calm down and stick together.."alandolf no sooner got these words out than a horrible beast appeared before the group. The giant cavern gypsy moth had a wingspan of well over 15 feet. Which is really useless information, because this wasn't a giant cavern gypsy moth. It was a beast calling itself "Bob Saget". Bob Saget glared menacingly at the fellowship."Listen, everyone..i want you to run for your lives.. I'll stay here and confront Saget, Mary, you get that wang to mount gloom. It is of upmost importance.." Alandolf said as he motioned the rest of the crew around and out of harm's way."Keep those cameras safely rolling" Bob said as he bludgeoned Alandolf with a half-eaten snickers bar. "AHHHH" Alandolf yelled as he charged Bob at full speed.Meg followed with her devasting "donkey charge of hades". Mary turned around just in time to see them all careening off a cliff, falling into a seemingly endless pit to all their deaths. "Poor buggers.."Jason said with a frown. "We must continue, we musn't let up, he would of wanted it that way..perhaps our luck will be better once we get out of this godawful cavern" Dustin said as he bolted to the big red exit sign. The others were not far behind. Waiting just outside the exit, however, was dave along with his orcish army. "Seize the hobbits!" Dave ordered with the deranged grin of a maniac. And just that the orcs did. Well, two of the hobbits. Dustin and Brion were seized, Mary and Crystal had wisely worn their "we are not hobbits" t-shirts. A move most wise. Wise in it's wiseness was this wise move. Wise. Wise. Kay, I'm done. It was upon the orcs retreat with the kidnapped hobbits that the remaining members of the fellowship of the wang decided that they must seperate. Mary and Crystal were to continue to Mount Gloom no matter what. Jason, Ashley, and Britty were to go and rescue Dustin and Brion. "There's no time to waste, let's roll" Jason said with a big goofy smile as we waved to Crystal and Mary who were headed in a different direction.
Their respective quests were really just beginning.
THE END
"oooooooh, baby"