The demonic voices from my mini-fridge sitting next to me were telling me to chew my left arm off and dance a dance of lint as i did so. I was not one to disappoint demonic fridge voices, so i happily oblidged.Just as I had started to munch on the fleshy goodness that was my left arm, SHE walked in. She had legs a mile long. The kind a guy would like to chew on if he were a cannibal. But i won't discuss my personal life here. She was a classy dame, I could tell by the way she told me she'd skin me alive with my own femur if i didn't take her case. And so, i took her case, halfheartedly. Halfheartedly because i had unwisely fed the other half to my creepy gardner, victor.He ate it with all the ferocity of a starved german sheperd.
Anyways, the dame says to me"My name's Crystal, I desperately need your help"So I says back to her"Name's Alan, detective alan, but you can call me mighty morphin power ranger" "I don't want to.." she said. "You see..someone has killed my beloved richie.." she added. " Did he have black hair, weigh about 170 lbs and was last seen wearing a wwf t-shirt?" i asked. "umm..no" she replied, confused. "Good, he wasn't the guy i shot..er.. i found on my doorstep this morning" i finished."The only clue i have is this box of matches" the dame said as she handed me said matches. I quickly shoved them up my nose and yelled obscenities. I had been told by old man whitherspoon that it was wise to shove matches up your nose at least once a month for reasons he would not disclose at the time.Nonetheless, i shook her hand, gave her a wink and went back to talking to the demons in my fridge.
"SHOULDN'T YOU BE LOOKING FOR CLUES OR SOMETHING?" she asked with a firm tone. "perhaps you have a point.." i said as i removed the lamp shade from my head and nodded agreeingly."If you'll excuse me, my lady, i'm going to go and see what word on the streets is about your beloved richie, i'll be back in two shakes of a lizard's hiney" i said as i trotted out the door of my office.I then realized i didn't know where the hell i was, nor how to get back in my office. It had been ten years since i had left, afterall.And so, i sat on the steps leading to God knows where, and began to cry.My pointless whimpering was interrupted soon, by a man calling himself the "great leftover pea". He told me of candycane houses and gingerbread men living in his head. I told him that he was, at least to me, "crazy as a one armed cyclops trying to play chess". He was not amused.He told me if he didn't consider me the patron saint of dish cloths, he would beat me to a bloodly pulp. I was thankful, at least for the moment, to be considered saintly in his eyes."Say, great leftover pea, you don't know anything about a local murder, do ya?" I asked my newfound aquantaince. He grinned, turned to me, and duct tapped a two liter pepsi to my forehead.He then proceeded to drop to his knees and worship me as the god of frosted flakes.
I smiled. I jumped for joy. I was a mere lad the last time someone had mistaken me for a deity.And the god of frosted flakes was no pushover, mind you. One of the greater Norse gods, I had learned in my college days.He then pointed me to a house at the end of the street with explicit instuctions to go inside, yell "poop a cachoo, they call me spanky loo loo dookie head" and to knock three times on my own gall bladder with a piece of wood no larger than the hoof of a welsh ox in spring time. Apparently their hooves had varying sizes during the other seasons, but i won't get into that. I followed his instructions to perfection, and was rewarded with the presence of a young neanderthal refering to his person as "grog". "I make big fire. Burn your face off. we feastem on your face" said grog with a tone that gave me a bit of the jitters. "No thanks, grog, I'm on a diet from eating my own face" I said as I began to leave, a bit disappointed.He looked as though he was about to cry, so, being the kind person i was, i gave him a small portion of my flank as a treat. He looked pleased.
And so I left, and headed back to where i perceived my office to be. "How's the case going?" asked Crystal as i seated myself back in my trusty chair. "It's...going well" i said, a bit nervously and shifty eyed. "Good, then you won't mind me accompanying you on further investigations" she said as she flashed her f.b.i. badge. Why would a dame in the f.b.i. want me to solve a paltry murder case? It didn't add up. Neither did my fingers and toes, however, and so i shrugged it off as one of the many unusal things in my life. "very well" i started"you may accompany me" i finished, although i was totally stumped as to what to do next."We must go to the Strip Joint" I said with a big goofy grin. "What, pray tell, do you plan on finding at the strip joint?" she asked with a frown. "Strippers!, WOO HOO!" I replied as I darted out the door.This was unwise. How easily I had forgotten that my door was rebelling against me, and told me via a vulcan mind meld that it would maim me in ways that my feeble mind could not comprehend should i dart out of it again.Luckily, Crystal had some duct tape and managed to make a makeshift kayak, which we later found to be useless. Nonetheless, I managed to escape the wrath of my evil door, and headed towards the strip joint. As I headed for said strip joint, I found it increasingly difficult to think of excuses as to why I was going there in the first place.Crystal and I entered, and were greeted at the door by the new dame. I asked her name, and she responded by clubbing me with fresh kfc chicken.She then giggled a bit, and said "my name's mary""Is that a fact, ma'am?" I asked as I shifted my eyes about."I quilted a lovely mongoose sweater" Mary added. I smiled as I quickly put the gorgeous sweater on.I then remembered that I wasn't a mongoose, and thusly removed said sweater."The reason we're here.." crystal began, "is we wanted to ask you some questions concerning the death of my beloved richie"Mary's face turned a ghastly pale color at the mention of richie's name."i knew him.."Mary said"he used to come in the club, he'd sometimes sing latin hymns as he stroked an egg mcmuffin, which he refered to as 'the lesser island of hysphalt'"she finished.
"A CLUE!!!!!" I screamed with delight as I pointed to a guy wearing a plastic bucket on his head. "No, it's just a guy wearing a plastic bucket" Crystal said. "BUT YOU SEE, Plastic buckets are often worn by shady characters to repress certain 'i wanna maim someone and fashion a crude vest from his flesh' feelings" I screamed with such excitement I almost urinated on myself. I then recalled that it had been at least a month and a half since my last urination. I knew this because I kept them logged in a booklet I had codenamed "the emancipation proclamation".I codenamed it this for reasons I dare not reveal to the right hemisphere of my brain. So don't ask, okay?The guy with the bucket on his head really creeped me out, so I decided not to question him.Mary then offered her services to help in solving the case. She wasn't really a detective, nor would she be of much use, but hey she was a stripping dame, so i let her tag along. Contrary to popular belief, all the answers to all the questions of mankind were not to be found in the stripclub.
This case was perplexing, indeed.As we left the strip club, We noticed some strange writing on the pavement just outside. Upon closer inspection, it was reavealed to contain this message:"Go to the park, detective alan. you'll find your answers there"This case certainly was the most difficult thing I had ever dealt with in my life. I had no idea where to go.So, instead, I sat there and swore at make believe french fries, which i perceived to be sitting on my shoulder swaying about to an old jimmy buffet tune.Crystal and Mary beat me senseless with a seabass and told me to go the the "damnable park". I decided I best not argue...so off i headed to the park.There, sitting on one of the swings, was a young woman calling herself "beth villa".Before I had a chance to question her, she fashioned me a crude chair and sanded it to perfection, then topped it off with a lovely cherry varnish.I was impressed.She informed us that she had seen a suspicous character talking about that "cursed richie" hanging around the slides. FINALLY we were getting somewhere. Without another word, she shrank to 1/8 her size and leaped into my pocket.Off to the slides, we were.Suddenly, beth started chirping like a young cricket.Where the slides were supposed to be was a large alien spacecraft."We must board" Crystal said as she handed mary a small pistol.
"This is going to be dangerous, so if anyone's out now, i understand" crystal continued.The three of us nodded and agreed to go with her. From here on out, things we're going to be difficult. I squirmed a bit as I boarded said alan spacecraft in an attempt to lure any hostile alien beings out of hiding. In my studies of extraterrestrial beings, I had found that squirming would bring even the most veteran of alien hiders out. Actually, I had never studied extraterrestrial beings, but it seemed like the thing to do at the time. The alien ship was most massive. It was larger than the cancerous legion on my left leg which had been deemed by the guiness book of world records as "a cancerous legion". Still, it seemed quiet.. a little too quiet for my liking, and thusly i serenaded the girls with my own special version of "who let the dogs out". Crystal fired a few rounds into my left leg as a reward. "Silence" she began, "chances are there are hostile creatures on board this ship, and it is of the upmost importance that we do not do anything to enrage them" she finished. Mary agreed, as did beth, who was now dressed not unlike a leprechaun. "three wishes ye get!" beth stated as she did an irish jig on my head. "I wish i could solve this case with ease" i stated, taking full advantage of the opportunity. Beth responded by setting me ablaze and running off giggling. I screamed the scream of a man being sodomized by a clydesdale horse. Mary then began flogging me with various undergarments to put the fire out. I smiled a bit and put a dollar in her garter belt. "Good job!" I said, sounding much like gilbert godfried.
I couldn't help but notice the hideous squid-like creature standing behind Crystal after the "flaming episode". "Crystal, are you aware that there is a hideous squid-like creature standing behind you?" I asked with a smile. "No, alan, I was not aware of the hideous squid-like creature standing behind me" she replied. "Hi, I'm a hideous squid-like creature standing behind crystal" the creature stated. "HOLY CRIKEY" Crystal screamed as she turned to see the beast. "Bah" the creature began" do not be frightened, humans, my name is dustin and i'll be your waiter this afternoon" he finished."Come, let me show you to your table" dustin added. "It's so dark in here" I yelled to our alien host. "Open your eyes, fool" he replied as he shook a melon knife in my direction. Opening my eyes did wonders for what ailed me.
He seated us in a nice, quaint little section entitled "foolish humans waiting to die by means of decapitation". It seemed like a nice place. There was a nice flower on the center of every table, and a generally cheery atmosphere."Would you like a menu, or do you want Chef Brion's special?" dustin asked. "We'll have the specials" Crystal announced, being the spokesperson for the group. "Excellent choice" Dustin said, as he carefully placed his dual melon knives in holsters on the ends of a couple of his tentacles. With that, Chef Brion came running out of the kitchen and asked for one of us to come back there to assist him. He was an odd one, this chef brion, a human being living amongst the aliens as one of their own. Perhaps it was his clever disguise, his t-shirt which read "I am an alien". Whatever it was, he was a crafty one, this Brion, and someone not to be trusted. I chose to go back there and assist him, myself. He instructed me to turn my back and close my eyes, so being the cooperative person I am, I did so. He then proceeded to remove my head from my torso in one quick swipe and place it in a jar perched just overhead. It was then, and only then, that I realized we were in trouble. I quickly grabbed my disembodied head and darted out the door. Dustin told me to stop running. I responded quickly and loudly with a firm "NO". He then asked nicely, so, I figured why not. I calmly strutted towards the girls and informed them of the situation. Crystal responded by firing a few rounds into my right leg. "What was that for?!" I asked, slightly peering out of the jar being carried by my headless body. " I don't know" she replied as she skipped around the table."Let's go!" Mary screamed in a panic stricken tone. "I think she's right" I said, looking at Crystal. She responded by firing a few rounds into my left arm.Actually, she fired them into my crotch, because I had chewed my left arm off earlier. I refered to it as "my left arm" from time to time, however. "WILL SOMEONE TAKE THAT THING AWAY FROM HER?" I yelled.Trying to escape through the front door yielded no results, as it had been locked down or something. We were trapped. Trapped like..well, like trapped things. Dustin and Brion were getting closer.Things seemed quiet omnious..
THE END
oh, hey..wait, what's that? you want closure? okay fine. there's more. Like I was saying, things looked pretty bad. Dustin's fangs glistened like no other. Brion was looking through his "100 ways and then some to prepare human flesh" cook book. Written by Martha Stewart, of course. Just then I remembered something Steve Irwin had said on the show "Crocodile Hunter".."if you're ever on board an alien ship resembling a restaraunt, and it seems as if you're trapped, put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye". BAH! that was useless. I would have to think of a plan myself. And I'd better do it fast, if the aliens didn't devour me, crystal would surely shoot me again.
Unfortunately, thinking of plans under pressure was never my strong point, and Dustin and Brion soon had the three of us in their grasp. "It's to the dungeon with you three" Brion said with a whimsical smile. "An Alien ship has a dungeon? That doesn't exactly make sense does it?" Crystal asked. "Think about who wrote this story, and then rethink that question" Dustin replied. "Oh yeah...him, ah well, so much for making sense" she retorted. And the three of us were tossed in the dungeon with a being that the aliens refered to as "Britty Kong". Britty Kong stood 6 cubits high and tossed barrels of Gary Coleman memorabilia with a tenacity not seen since that frog that threw flaming boxes of manure at me back in 'nam. We were soon pinned against the wall being pummeled with barrels like no other. "I just wanna go home.." Mary said, almost sobbing. The pain was immense. "DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF THROWING THOSE EFFING BARRELS?!" I screamed at Ms. Kong.
"Actually, I'm glad you said something, it's time for my lunch break" she replied. She then clocked out with her little time card and sat down to a warm meal prepared by chef brion. Now was our chance.I quickly dug into my pockets to find a 12 feet long string of dandelions I had wisely tied together earlier. Mary and Crystal just stared at me in disbelief as I tied said rope to my feet and hung myself upside down to the top of the dungeon."He's finally lost his mind" Crystal said as she fired a few rounds into my right arm. The blood loss from the bullet wounds was making me a bit queasy at this point, but I somehow managed to hang on. Finally, Britty Kong clocked back in, and I greeted her with "BLAH, I AM A VAMPIRE!" "Don't make me use my dark powers to do dark things to you in a dark way..cuz..it's dark..in dark places..in a dark kinda..way..with.."I stated as I kind of trailed off. "IF you're a vampire..then PROVE it" Britty Kong demanded. "I WILL" I screamed in reply.I then realized that there was no way that I could prove it."Okay fine, I'm not a vampire..but I am Sam Donaldson" I said. "SAM DONALDSON?!" she shrieked in horror. She then ran off in sheer terror. Victory. At least for the moment.
Now was our grand chance to escape the dungeon. I frantically looked around, and could find no exit. Crystal and Mary then suggested that I look someplace besides at my feet. "AHHA" I stated as I held my head up and looked up, grinning like Abe VIgoda on speed. The exit was not three inches in front of me. "Before we leave, there's something we must do" Mary stated as she began clapping her hands. "So..." she began, as Crystal and I looked at her puzzled. "Tell me what you want, what you really, really want, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want" she sang as she strutted about like a thing possessed. "I wanna...I wanna...I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT AN ZIG ZAG PIE" she continued. "IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER, YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY FRIENDS, MAKE IT LAST FOREVER, CAUSE FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS" she blurted out. "Dear God, she's under alien control" Crystal grimly stated. "The only way to turn her back is to kill the head alien" she added as she shot me repeatedly in the chest. "I AM NOT THE HEAD ALIEN, YOU ARSE" I yelped.
The Fonz gave me a thumbs up, smiled and walked off. "The Fonz... when did he get here?" I asked. Crystal did not answer, but instead nodded, and proceeded to powerbomb the Fonz through a table. She then smashed him over the head with a steel chair and DDTed him into a bunch of thumbtacks laying curiously about the floor.She could be a violent dame when she wanted.He died on impact, and Mary suddenly stopped singing. We darted through the exit door, and outside the ship, only to realize we still didn't know who killed Richie. Still, We had been through a lot, and I did not wish to go through anymore. So, naturally, I grabbed some random guy off the street and made him confess to the whole thing. Crystal seemed satisfied, as did Mary.I said farewell to the two dames, then collected my pay, and headed back to my office.
Yep, another case solved by Detective Alan
