1. people will no longer "fart" but will instead "speak italian"
2. because of the overabundance of paperclips due to neptune and pluto's collision, farmers across the world begin to harvest three-hole punches
3. 40,000 dervishes agree: diet dr. pepper tastes nothing like metamorphic rock
4. garth brooks and jesse jackson will implant penises on each others forehead, and have a jousting match to the death
5. those who use ear wax as a masturbation lubricant are destined to spend 5 eternities in kansas hell
6. twelve tiny t-bone terrorists, telepathically tease tenacious, toothless, timid, triumphant toads on tuesday; trying to topple their 'tudes by taunting timely teachers, tormentively
7. the apocalypse is sadly postponed when the fourth horsman decides that he can't bring on the end of the world in last season's shoes
8. martin short, woody allen, and kristi yamaguchi form an unholy alliance set out to rid humanity of leather wallets
9. walter matthau,grown weary of his legs, will saw them off and replace them with bob saget
10. all ford tauruses shall be assimilated into the great evil of manitoba, known commonly as carrot top
11. homekeys is crazy and has a gun
12. all devotees of the plan will get a 25% discount on their next purchase at walmart
13. become one with soiled underpants, and ye shall be rewarded with spearmint
14. six insectivorous ducks will be seen mauling a large disembodied penis at kaybee toys
15. martha stewarts new cookbook "101 ways to cook a corpse" will mysteriously flop
16. a single hispanic woman with 6 children will get a job at the service counter of k-mart
17. fascists are replaced with rubber cement
18. someone will eat mcdonald's mcnuggets and not become a dribbling shadow of their former self
19. jungle gyms will include masked serial killers and..even worse..a tower of old mayo
20. knock knock. who's there? joe. joe who? JOE MAMA, AWWJEAH!!!!!!3
21. a bumblebee will stalk strom thurmond for 7 days thinking he is a lilac
22. the entire population of salt lake city will have sex with your mom. by the way, she's a whore.
23. the beginning of the end is no longer a beginning, nor an end..but the midpoint of the hypontenuse on a right triangle
24. typos are replaced with baked potatoes that are covered with gerbils
25. 125% will impregnate wilt chamberlain with the spawn of cabbage, and then all will know the wrath of grapes
26. badger-sniffing is the latest craze in brazil and is the leading cause of malaria in luxembourg
27. mr. t and popeye are voted america's most eligible bachelors by People Magazine
28. upon realizing he is infected with a strange disease, mr t will exclaim " I PITY DA MICROSCOPIC FOO DAT GAVE ME DIS"
29.jaime sucks and kory is gay; be ye not too wise nor angry with janet reno's scrotum
30. the frenchman attempts an escape of the smouldering cabbage and is then hurled into the rotting pit of a nectarine
31. disney will rewrite history such that torquemada was jolly and only punished heathens by spanking them
32. vicatin is found to actually raise the count of hairs on one's left eye
33. chewing on anything that rhymes with golgi apparatus will be outlawed in georgia
34. tiny pieces of spicey chipmunks will replace toilet water
35. polar bears strike because their minority is not being recognized apporpriately
36. jimmy stewart rises from the grave to punch fred durst in the throat and to take his little red cap, and thusly jimmy stewart is fawned over by trailor park princesses everywhere
37. ed mcmahon becomes a demon of the night, to chirp "haHA YES" outside of the neighborhood children's windows
38. aphrodite decides to be known as the greek goddess of spit and butt plugs
39. !!!!!!!!!!!3