halo

Halo Pwns the Human Brain

My head hurts. Every fucking day I have to hear about the things that Halo is doing to people. I'm suprised that everyone that plays Halo 2 doesn't have a huge hole in their ass where Bungie is raping people and stealing their money.

And now Bungie is planning on releasing Halo 3, a sadistic joke on the heads of every First Person Shooter fan alive. If you have Xbox Live, you're probably going to see at least half a million people on the game the first week it's released. But what is going on in the minds of the PR's and the developers? I'd like to think there was two people, hidden away in a multi-story complex, surrounded by nobody but the walls with ears. These people would talk about the hidden agenda behind Halo 3...this is probably how it would go.

PR: So what's all this about Halo 3 being the best shooter? We want to make it look good.

Developer:Well that�s about all we did was make it look good, what we did was more or less re-skin Halo 2 so everything that sucks about Halo 2 that we did wrong has been painted over with the illusion that we changed any fucking thing. The game is being rushed because that�s the mandate from Sir Gates. The guy has absolutely no clue how bad the game is and you know all that�s being done is to fix the problem is a massive PR marketing campaign to sell this to the masses.

PR: So...how do you suppose we market this? Do you think people will buy this if they knew that they were playing Halo 2 again?

Dev: That�s the thing about our industry; few new ip's or real innovations are rarely what gamers buy. The publishers know this, Microsoft knows this, so elements like the story and the game play often take a back seat to the graphic engine and how pretty you can make the game for an ad. PR works wonders, we are actually still surprised Halo even took off as bad as the last two games were, there are guys in the upper echelons who are certain we can sell anything with Halo branded on it even if it sucks. You're going to see it... we're already selling it as an RTS and we have plans for episodic content were really set to take advantage of the consumer and they will buy it faithfully, never underestimate the power of a fan boy, they have no brain.

PR: And what of the movie? Do you think that this might help resurface it?

Dev: Hahaha, yeah the movie, the only problem were having in terms of the movie is getting someone to make it for cheap, so we can see the cash roll in. Uwe Boll is the only one left who still wants to make it with the onsided terms we are putting forth. They know the fans will hate Uwe Boll and us, so we haven't offered him the project. We're looking for someone unknown and equal to his talent that we can make a killing off. I can assure you the Halo movie is coming... there's too much money in it, there's talk of tieing it into the episodic content!

PR: Oh no! We can't possibly get away with selling this game! The people will surely know! What do you think we should do? Cancel it? People might notice!!

Dev: Yeah, at this point we're trying to get the game out the door for the lowest possible amount in order to rake in cash to make up for high failure rate of the Xbox 360.

PR: Oh, well your talking money...who cares about the fans. Look, take this money, we never talked about this...

Dev: I never said a word.

As you can see, Bungie likes to talk a lot, but in reality, they really only care in grabbing your ass in search of your wallet. They are pediofiles to the masses and they will attempt anything to sell their mediocre junk upon unsuspecting people. I thank my sourse in the field for staging this spoof, although names could not be given, as he would surely be persued by Bungie and hung by his balls.

So what can we do about the epidemic? Surely we can't tell people not to play it. People don't listen to reason. People like to listen to the masses, and in this case, they'll eat up anything that has boobs and violence in it. A shame really, because real money can be made on real gaming, and not ones that is trying to be sold in ridiculous ways.