| Dr. Pepper is the best soda ever. |
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| Cyndi Lauper and Anastacia want you to drink Dr. Pepper. Look at their flashy clothing and their exposed cleavage. Doesn't it make you want a Dr. Pepper even more? Well, how about their cute smiles and incredable singing abilities? Still not doing it? About cheerleaders and a song about being yourself? No. You just want a Dr. Pepper, cause it's the best soda on the planet. You don't care that half a million people like it as much as you, you love the crisp, refreshing taste as it slides down your throat and the carbonation tickles your nose. Why do advertisers insist that I need celebrity support to make me drink their products? Pepsi had Britney Spears, Mountain Dew had....well, they had extreme mountain biking and headbutting goats. But did drinking Pepsi make you want to make out with Britney Spears? Did "Doing the Dew" make you want to make love to a mountain goat while doing backflips down Mount Everest? No, you just wanted a Goddammed soda. I say get average joes like you and me to be in those commercials. If we saw some fatass drinking a Pepper while watching a porno, we'd be like "Oh my God, I want a Dr. Pepper." Wouldn't that be a more effective advertising slogan? "Drink Dr. Pepper and be a fat, disgusting slob?" Damn right, it would, cause people could actually relate! When was the last time that you drunk a Dr. Pepper and thought, "Damn, Cyndi Lauper really has gone down in her career since the 1980's, I feel so bad, let me wash away my sorrows with an icy cold Pepper." If you said never, good. Which is why I'm shooting a commerical of my own. It'll feature two kids drinking Dr. Pepper and watching a porno. One kid asks the other if he likes Dr. Pepper and his friend says "not really." Then the first kid gets up and beats him to death with a whiffle bat. Then the words "Take that, bitch" flash on the screen and it tells you--no, commands you to drink Dr. Pepper or God will smite you. Yeah, you'd all be watching that commercial. That'd rock balls. |