Title: Everyone's a Little Jaded
Author: cherry vanilla
Fandom: The West Wing
Pairing: Josh Lyman/Sam Seaborn
Rating: R for very mild sexual situations and language
Status: NEW, Complete 4/21/01
Archive: yes
Series/sequel: Sequel to Barely Breathing, which is a sequel to Tooth and Nail. Maybe I should title this series.
Feedback: all comments appreciated. [email protected]
Website: http://www.netcolony.com/entertainment/ratchick
Spoilers: Takes place sometime after '17 people.' Includes minor spoilers.
Summary: "I blame myself for being too much like somebody else/
I never thought I would just bend this way."
Notes: Summary and lyrics belong Our Lady Peace. This is Sam/Josh story with almost no Sam/Josh dialogue. Scary, huh?
"We're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Josh stares intently at Sam. He enjoys these little moments in which he can catch Sam completely unguarded, dead to the world, and drink his fill. Or perhaps he just loves the fact that they're in bed together.
Josh turns onto his back and stares blankly at a crack on the ceiling and thinks about his life and where it's going. He thinks about his job, thinks about Sam and how things have become very complicated. At times, Josh feels as if he's living a double life.
He goes to the office and plays the role of Mr. Liberal- but not too liberal- Deputy Chief of Staff and people listen to him, because after all, he does have a title, and yet it never escapes their attention that he is indeed a little fucked up, and that sometimes he can just flip; and he then he would go to Stanley and say how he sometimes feels the world is collapsing around him, how he feels like he's not cut out for any of this anymore.
And then he tries to justify going to the office and shelving hate crime bills and flirting with Donna and getting stopped by women in coffee shops who ask for his autograph, and then afterward, ask him out to which he responds he 'has a girlfriend.'
He tries to justify how that same night he sits in his dark apartment and waits for Sam to come over and fuck him into oblivion.
Which leaves him here in bed wondering, with Sam beside him, what the hell he's doing and who he really is. And if who he is isn't the man that people see everyday, then what does that say? What does it mean?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Josh, you're fidgeting."
Josh is aware he's fidgeting. "Yeah," he sighs.
Stanley looks at him, his eyes patient.
Josh fidgets some more. "Look, this isn't easy to talk about."
"If it were, you wouldn't be sitting here in therapy."
"Good point."
"Take your time."
Josh takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes. "What I'm about to say -- it can't leave this room."
"Josh--"
Stanley starts to protest, but Josh holds up his hand. "I know, I know, 'nothing leaves this room' but this is serious, I mean, more serious than anything else we've talked about. It *cannot*--"
"Leave this room, I know. I'm not about to reveal any information about you, Josh, whether it's potentially damaging or not."
Josh looks at him for a long time and is finally convinced. He gathers his courage and fidgets once more for good measure.
"God, this is uncomfortable."
"Take your time."
Josh isn't sure how many minutes go by. Finally, the words come out. "So, I'm sort of in this relationship,"
Stan crosses his legs and nods encouragingly. "Go on."
"It's with a man."
"And how do you feel about that?" Stanley replies, completely unfazed, which causes Josh to do a double take.
But, of course, he shouldn't have been surprised; after all, this guy was a therapist, he's probably heard all kinds of shit in his day. Josh still can't help think about the ensuing headaches and drama that would have occurred if it were CJ or Leo sitting across from him rather than Stanley. And he's suddenly aware that this may be the only person he *can* tell, the only person that won't judge him, that won't spend hours sitting around figuring out away to solve this new 'problem' rather than asking Josh such a simple question like the one Stan just did.
"I don't know," Josh replies, feeling exhausted.
"Ok, let's take this one step at a time. Are you ready?"
"Yeah," Josh sighs, his eyes focused on the floor. "Yeah."
"All right," Stan says, uncapping his pen and holding it against the pad on his lap, "is this your first sexual relationship with a man?"
"No."
"Is it your first romantic one?"
Josh clears his throat. "Yes."
"Are you gay?"
Josh's eyes shoot up. "What? No!"
Stan gives him a level stare, and then scribbles something down. "Why did you respond defensively?"
"Because I'm *not* gay."
"You're in a romantic relationship with a man -- to the majority of the world that qualifies as gay. Do you consider yourself bisexual at least?"
"I -- maybe."
"Ok, let's back up. You obviously felt the need to talk about this relationship, even though you had some reluctance to do so. Why is that?"
Josh lets his head fall back and taps his fingers against his knee. He stares at the ceiling. "The -- man I'm with -- I'm not going to reveal his name, I don't feel it's my position to, but if you figure it out, so be it. Let's just say he has every bit to lose as I do if this gets out."
"All right."
Josh looks at Stan, suddenly feeling brave. "We've -- had feelings for each other but only recently crossed the line. At first we didn't talk about it. And then it happened again and -- okay, we both know the ramifications that would occur if this gets out, so basically we're going into it with the attitude of 'I know this can't work, but I want to do it nonetheless.' We,"
Josh sighs heavily and slaps his hands on his knees, bending forward, his head down. "*jesus* I mean, we *know* this is a no win situation! We have to sneak around, we see each other maybe two times a week outside of work because we're so fucking *terrified* that there'll be someone waiting around the next corner with a camera. We -- he stays over and even that's dangerous. Sometimes I don't know what the fuck we're doing. What -- how can I live like that? Why," Josh broke off, breathing heavily.
Stanley sits up straight. "Breathe, Josh. You're doing well. Tell me, do you *want* this to work?"
"Yes!" It's the one answer he hasn't had to think about this whole session.
"And does he?"
"Yes.."
"You don't sound too sure."
"No, I mean, he does. But -- see we both know it could never be a *real* relationship. Not the kind you could have with your wife or girlfriend. So it confuses just exactly what this is. And we just, if it ever came down to it, I know we'd sooner end this than be found out."
"And how does that make you feel?"
Josh gets up and walks to the window, silent.
"Josh?"
He looks down and thinks about where Sam could be at this very moment; what he's doing, if he's sitting around Josh's apartment watching C-SPAN eating Chinese takeout -- or if he's off somewhere with Ainsley or Mallory or some other beauty that he'd have no problem taking to bed, no complications on whether a simple touch would be misinterpreted by lurking media, with someone who was not like Laurie. And Josh realizes that perhaps his involvement with Sam is as dangerous as Laurie's was. And he wonders how long it will be until Sam comes to that same conclusion as well.
"Let's table that for a minute." And he turns around and realizes Stanley is talking.
He nods numbly.
"Do you see yourself as bisexual?"
"I never really thought about it."
Stanley waits.
"I feel -- I feel like I'm leading a double life," and he decides to tell Stan his inner most thoughts because after all, that's why they were here.
"Go on."
"I want him, I -- love him. Okay, then. So why do I flirt with other women, why do I tell other women I have a *girlfriend* when propositioned. Why, when I am completely for gay rights, do I feel I still have to abide to this country and succumb to its 'not too far to the left' ways when a lot of times I feel differently. Why the hell do I shove my morals aside for the good of everyone else? And why, *why* is he Mr. Morale -- but when it comes to us he'd sooner throw it away, no matter how much he cares."
"Are you starting to resent him for that?"
"A little."
"But wouldn't you do it yourself?"
Josh is silent.
"Wouldn't you, Joshua Lyman, if faced with your job or this man, choose your job? Don't you think maybe you're being a little too harsh on him? That maybe, you're just seeing what you want to?"
He doesn't want to answer. He can't -- he can't breathe. He stumbles to the chair and sits and buries his hands in his face.
"Josh," Stanley's soft voice reaches him and he barely nods.
"Let me tell what I'm getting from you. I see a man who loves his job completely. I see a man who is used to being the strong one and somewhere along the line realized he couldn't take on everything by himself. I see a man who's used to separating his personal life from his work and has suddenly realized he can't anymore. And finally, I see someone who thought they could live their life in the way that society expected of them, and now sees that that will never happen.
"Your flirtation with women stems from the fact that you so badly want to hang on to what you think people expect from you, when in fact, it's the last thing you want. Your denial of your sexuality comes from the fact that not only do you live in a country where hate crimes are on the rise, but you are one of the people that *run* this country and have seen first hand the shit, pardon my language, that homosexuals go through. And there you are, surrounded by people that talk the talk, but at many times don't walk the walk. People that for the most part, don't know a clue what it is like to be gay.
"You're worried of your relationship being made public, you're worried about your social status, you're afraid of losing your job, you're afraid of compromising the President's popularity and his re-election, you're afraid of losing your dignity. Of losing your friends."
"And you're resenting your partner because you've been denying the way you've been feeling, you couldn't see it completely. So you try to force all the blame on him, and how *he* would choose the job first, even though in reality you know you would too. And that's something the two of you have in common, you have a healthy respect for each others commitments to this job, am I right, Josh? Yet you're trying not to see that."
"I feel like I'm going to fuck up his life," Josh's voice is barely audible as he stares at the carpeting.
"Why?"
Josh shrugs and continues, "that he'll look at me one day and realize what a risk this is and run off to some women who doesn't carry all this baggage."
"And so you figure you'll do it first."
Josh's head jolts up. "What?"
"And so you'll run from him first as a preemptive strike, so you won't be rejected."
Josh shakes his head vehemently but then stops -- because he realizes that's exactly what he's been doing. He realizes that leaving Sam's bed first, after they'd made love that second time, had been so he wouldn't see the rejection, the regret on Sam's face. And then Sam ended up calling, and he could hear the hurt in Sam's voice, and he wondered all the way home how he could have left.
And then he shakes a little, as he realizes the way he's been overly flirting with Donna, and how he'd thrown the whole flowers thing in Sam's face practically, and how Sam did some subtle flirting of his own with the blonde sex kitten, and -- jesus.
He wonders what the hell they've been doing to each other. Why it seems they're deliberately trying to break this thing apart rather than hold it together. He wonders why he's deliberately jeopardizing his relationship with Sam when Sam is the only one he wants.
He wonders how hard it could be to just say fuck it all for now and worry about everything later. And most of all, he wonders what life would be like again as 'Sam Seaborn's friend and nothing more.'
Suddenly he feels very cold.
"Josh? Josh!"
"Huh?" He looks up at Stanley, his head spinning.
"Want to tell me what's going on in your head?"
Josh rubs his hand over his face. "I just -- wow. I *was* doing that. And he was doing it as well, as sort of a defense mechanism of his own. Shit, I'm so stupid."
"You're not stupid Josh, you're just confused. You have every right to be, you have a lot on your plate, here."
"yeah."
"Answer me this, do you believe he loves you?"
"Yes," and he doesn't need to think about this answer either.
"And do you believe, that if anything drastic were to happen, that he wouldn't run out on you like it meant nothing, no more than you would on him? That you'd talk about it and decide one way or another what happens."
"I do." And he's surprised how much he means it. He's surprised how much he's been underestimating Sam.
"Good. This isn't completely resolved, but I feel we've made some progress. Do you?"
"yeah, actually."
"Are you feeling a bit more secure?"
"I think -- yeah."
"Good. That's good. Do me a favor then?"
Josh waits.
"Communicate with him. Share with him your fears, your problems; that is, after all, a relationship. And I shouldn't be the only one you feel you can talk to about this."
Josh nods and stands up and he feels confident, strong, for the first time in a while. "I can do that, yeah."
"Good. Same time next week?"
"Yeah."
They shake hands and Josh leaves. Before he heads home he stops and picks up a movie, barely giving a thought to the chance of Sam not being there.
Some things are just known.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Sam was there, doing exactly as Josh had predicted. And he had saved some food for Josh. They sat on the couch and ate Chinese out of the carton and watched The Contender, and made comments on how realistic and unrealistic certain parts were.
And then they made out and Josh loved being able to do this with someone he cared about without having to constantly be thinking in the back of his head where to put his hands or how to get the person into bed because this was Sam, and some things were just known; they could take their time and enjoy each other because they both knew without a doubt that by the end of the night they'd be seemingly wrapped around each other in the small room down the hall.
And so before long they had moved to the bedroom where Sam had proceeded to wipe Josh out completely. Sam had slipped out of him and rested his body on top of his and Josh had begun to feel his legs again and the trembling throughout his body had started to decrease. Sam had licked his collarbone and made a comment something akin to 'mm, salty' and Josh had laughed and ruffled his hair.
And then he had begun to talk, and he told Sam some of his fears and Sam expressed his own fears, and they agreed how selfish and stupid they had been acting lately. And when Sam had taken Josh's face in his hands and said that there was no one else and that he wants this to work more than anything, Josh finally, truly believed him.
He relaxed against Sam after that and had kissed him and suggested that maybe they should start taking it one day at a time. He laughed when Sam said 'In *our* profession? I'm not sure anyone knows the meaning of those words.' He had mumbled 'smartass' and tackled Sam and shut him up in his most favorite way.
So now, once again, he's laying in his bed staring at Sam, admiring the view. He's vaguely aware of how early it is but he can't go back to sleep. So he just stares, waiting for the moment when Sam wakes up. He's grateful for the fact that he gets to witness this. He's grateful that Sam shares it with him. And as he waits for the moment to happen, his head is finally clear, and he feels prepared to handle this one day at a time. And he thinks how maybe he needs to start being the man he really is, rather than the man he wanted to be.
So his personal life hadn't turned out the way he had planned, the way everyone had planned, but it'd led him here, led him to Sam, and that was exactly where he wanted to be. And it's were he'd stay for as long as the surrounding factors let them.
Josh moves closer to the warm body next to him and closes his eyes -- and waits for the day to begin.
